I'm trying to think of someone, anyone, in recovery in our family...Nope - there's no one. I learned at Al Anon that if one stops drinking, but does not go through the process of healing, of reclaiming one's soul, one is simply a dry drunk. I see it in B#1 who no longer does hard drugs and alcohol, but uses religion as a numbing agent. I see it in Dad. He told me that he hasn't had a drink since 1992. That's great, but there's still so much pain and anger that comes out - it's just mean. We have lots of stories of decent, none of resurrection. At least with alcohol. Or am I being blind and judgmental?
Maybe part of the issue you need to address with your son is lying. I always asked my kids if this was who they wanted to be. Do you want to be a liar? His desperation to have his numbing agent, or perhaps his desperation to be cool and accepted, has led him to choose lying. Because the choices you make determine who you are. The image we have of ourselves is nothing...our behavior is everything. His friends need to think about who they are, also. Are these the older friends? (My kids hated it when I did this to them...it can be harsh, but sometimes it seemed necessary...)
It is a slippery slope into addictions. Once we start the slide, we have to hit bottom before we climb back out. We have to lose everything to become aware that we didn't want to lose it, that it was more valuable than being numb. It is amazing how much people will let go before they hit bottom. Some of us never hit bottom, and slide down into slow motion suicide.
I think I have been working on my question of who am I without all the damaged bits. I spent the weekend recognizing a calm and loving, very open and nonjudgmental person who loves all. But I recognized I am not capable of accepting love. And so I felt sad for about two days. Every time I was alone, I cried. I still feel sad...
I thought about my former rages. I would have this pressure and pain build up inside of me. I would scream and carry on and it would release, temporarily. But I didn't feel better. I felt exhausted and ashamed. Then it would build again. I was trapped in a vicious cycle. The changes, the steps away, the healing began with Al Anon, but RC - crying so many tears during peer counseling sessions were the big step. Learning to cry was my salvation...well, one step of it anyway. I am not close to healthy. I still have so much work to do...
So crying now...I'm releasing something, but I'm not sure what it is. But I felt true, deep sadness like I have never felt before. So I think I excavated something important.
And so life goes on in it's tedious, tiring fashion, and I am looking for joy. Okay, so that's a little maudlin - there is joy in the connection I am developing with my daughter and her daughter. The baby is completely relaxed and comfortable with me. I am loving my time with her. She is a gift. Especially since S#2's partner has begun to work full time and misses her kids and wants them with her on weekends. Before, she was happy for a break and I saw them a lot. I am missing them a lot - a whole lot!! We'll have to work on that...I'm sure there's a way...
So, I miss you. I'm glad you had a relatively nice trip to the beach. Did I say I miss you??
Love you, too!
Clare
No comments:
Post a Comment