I don't know...maybe you should parachute. Or ride roller coasters...let your body remember letting go so that your psyche gets a clue of how it is done. You could go skiing. I remember one skiing trip with you. We were both bent in half, skis on our feet, hands on the ground, unable to stand up and laughing so hard we couldn't breath. Every time I tried to stand, the skis slid and I was clutching the Earth, gasping through laughter.
We need to be bold like that again. But somehow I think crone-bold is different than maiden-bold. I think it may still involve public exposure of our foibles, though. And laughter...I hope laughter!
The part-time job you accepted is teaching you to be a writer, opening way...just saying, little sister...
I'm still rereading Shakti Woman by Vicki Noble. Last night I read and reread a passage. Maybe sharing it with you will bring deeper insight.
A major element in beginning shamanic work for Western women is overcoming our addictions. In the United States probably every single woman who is called to become a healer is confounded in some way by her own addictions, either physical or psychological. It is a given. Along with our false view of reality (that everything is either physical and visible or not real) and our ingrained sense of inferiority because we are women (the fatal "flaw" that all women in patriarchal culture experience at the core), we have all been conditioned to need things that are not necessary and do not serve our health. These addictions have been structured into our beings, like knee-jerk responses to stimuli, so that they constantly distract us from our true path and obscure our vision. We are crippled by our addictive habits, debilitated by our need for what is unhealthful and paralyzed from acting on our own behalf and on behalf of our children. It is no wonder that women have started entering therapy in droves, to join Twelve-Step programs in large numbers, and to form female support groups for dealing with things like incest survival and food compulsions. This trend is a mass underground recovery movement, in which women everywhere have decided to get well.
-Vicki Noble
I love the image of a mass underground recovery. I also wonder if that is going on inside of me. Is there a massive recovery happening just outside of my consciousness, happening in a place where I can't second guess myself?
Of course, I made chocolate chip cookies tonight - healthy with honey and whole wheat flour and oats and sunflower seeds, but still - sugar numbing for my psyche. Sort of healthy numbing, but numbing nonetheless.
This passage leads me to wonder how many addictions I have. I am addicted to wheat and to sugar. I am addicted to escaping through daydreaming. I am addicted to martyrdom and self-criticism. But I know there's more. But because it's just me, just my normal, I can't identify it.
How do we identify our addictions? Hmmmmm...something to chew on.
One year ago, I was leaving the west coast, ending my time with my son and his family. I thought of that as I was walking and tears began to flow - just a little.
I hope you have a wonderful day. I'll check back in tomorrow. We'll see if I have had any clear thoughts.
Love from Clare
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