We talked about lying, and I said I tend to lie by omission. I have been lying by omission, and I want to get it out. I want you to see me, but help me analyze this.
I told you that Mom and Dad asked us to put our names on items we wanted. I mostly took some small items, something for each of my kids, so they could have a keepsake from their grandparents' home - the one that will last in their memories. While I was doing this, my best friend from college was with me. We put a lot of little items in her car.
Mom said there was still some furniture left, did I want any? I said no, then looked at the list and saw that nobody wanted the corner cupboard. That piece has been in every home I lived in until I left for college. I said I would be interested in that. Then Mom told me that her parents had bought it before our parent's wedding. I never knew that, but it increased the value for me. S#3 said she would help get it to BFFC's summer home nearby when they came to load stuff for her daughter. This is where I get confused about the arrangement, about who was helping who move where...you know how it goes in our family.
Fast forward to a Friday evening and I talked to S#3, who was upset because Dad called and was demanding she get the stuff now. She was not able to get there immediately and so they were giving stuff away to neighbors and to the guy who fixes Dad's car. So that meant no corner cupboard for me. Just like - no house, I was rather oblivious, unattached. I got a call Saturday morning from Mom's new number. I couldn't answer immediately, then I called back 5 or 6 times through the next few hours. They did not answer. I knew she was going to tell me that they were giving the corner cupboard away.
A few hours later, BFFC called me. Mom called her and told her I was not going to be able to get the cupboard. My BFFC volunteered to drive up and get it, and since the weather was good, and she was up for an adventure with her granddaughter, they just drove here and spent the night. It was a nice interlude, a little magic to have them suddenly here for a short visit, to distract me during the dog vigil...And inside the bottom of the cupboard, Mom had stored a lot of family history photos and info.
Just like when I told you they offered me the house, I am ashamed, elated, confused when they single me out. Mom doesn't go out of her way for anyone else...and I know it's Mom, because I irritate Dad. It makes me crazy because - well, mostly because of the way they treat S#3. They won't do anything for her. When she asks for help, they turn her down. When she tried to commit suicide Mom simply said, "I hope you feel better now." As I write that, I am shouting a little...I hope you feel better now???????????
She has treated her like a dirty, promiscuous, worthless , trashy annoyance. She has reprimanded her for her behavior - which is light and gregarious. I get so furious, I get so hurt. Children who are not protected and who are sexually abused may act out. And it's so much easier to paint them as a sinner and blame them and simply continue the abuse. I am so angry.
And I don't want to hurt her or you or anyone by telling y'all that Mom will help me, Mom will go out of her way for me. I think she's a bit guilty and a bit grateful for the way I took over with her kids when I was too young to have a clue what I was doing. But I did keep you all alive, fed - and never lost any of you. I was hypervigilant even then!! And over-responsible.
In my desire to not hurt siblings, I hide the truth of family dynamics. Am I right or wrong? I'm definitely a liar!!
Thoughts?
Love you,
Clare
(Going through the photos, I found some of me when I was young. I look sweet and pretty. I almost don;t recognize myself. I don't think I was ever sweet and pretty. My impression is that I am always scowling and aloof...)
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