Addictions...
interesting to have to identify seemingly innocuous substances and activities as addictions. Maybe the addictions have to be dealt with before there can be any openings.
I know my "go to" addictions...
busyness
control
chocolate
sugar (probably part of the chocolate issue)
I have been looking at my activities over the past several months...taking on big projects, allowing myself to get pulled out of my "disciplines"...daily yoga, meditation, and healthy eating. I did walk almost daily, but that was part of the busyness. I didn't use it to relax my mind. It was more a mission to manage my stress.
I need to recognize the gift that this summer has been and welcome the fall as well. I need to enjoy life rather than wanting more.
I am grateful for the opportunity to write, and develop those skills. I am grateful for the opportunity to work with people that I respect and enjoy being with. I just wanted a full time position. I guess I want to belong somewhere instead of dabbling in multiple places.
I am reading a book about thinking like Leonardo Da Vinci. I bought this book about 3 years ago and never read it. This week I remembered it and started to read...according to the author, there are 7 characteristics to that style of genius thinking. (Michael Gelb)
Curiosita- a quest for learning, insatiable curiosity
Dimostrazione- a willingness to learn from mistakes, and learn from experience
Sensazione- refinement of the senses, sharpening the senses
Sfumato- willingness to embrace ambiguity, paradox, and uncertainty
Arte/Scienza- a balanced understanding of science and art
Corporalita- physical and mental balance, grace, poise, fitness
Connessione- a recognition and appreciation of the interconnectedness of all things.
I love this idea...it is an opening of the mind, body and soul to experience and knowledge.
I am enjoying an interesting Saturday...My youngest had his first football game of the year. The team won, but he did not see much playing time. I came home and mowed the lawn. And now I can relax. I hope that you have a wonderful day.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, August 31, 2013
No1
So the cat knocked my key board on the f1oor...it was in her way, I guess. 1ucki1y, I had a keyboard - an extra one that a friend gave me. Now I know why he gave it to me. The 1etter 1 - JK_MNOP sticks, and refuses to work. Or, when the 1 works, the E does not work. So, for now, 1 is a 1etter. And I have to find a new keyboard sometime this weekend. Or I have to be very creative and on1y write words without the 1etter 1!!!!!
I had waterme1on for breakfast. My second son and his be1oved are impressive gardeners and sent us ha1f of a me1on. As I had my first bite of the sweet heart, the words that came into my brain were: There is natural sweetness in this wor1d.
Is that the basis of my sugar addiction? Do I rely on artificial sources of too-sweet (OMG, the L just started to work!) because I know the world is not sweet......????
I went to an alternative health fair once, and talked to a classical homeopath at length. He determined that I need one strong dose of a homeopathic made from sugar. He didn't have any with him, but invited me to his office to get it. I offered to pay and he got a little irate...I never went...
I have begun wandering into the land of wondering about addictions, and perhaps my subconscious is cooperating - saying, maybe you're ready for this, and punting 'aha' thoughts into my brain.
The other thing that happened, I was talking to a French woman who told me about a newly developing hands-on energy healing technique that locates and releases pain stored from early abusive or painful events of from patterns passed on by our ancestors. One can only study in France. I am making a statement to the Universe, if way opens, I will study this...
I hope your weekend is fun and relaxing.
I love you,
C1are...so much for my 1!!!!!
I had waterme1on for breakfast. My second son and his be1oved are impressive gardeners and sent us ha1f of a me1on. As I had my first bite of the sweet heart, the words that came into my brain were: There is natural sweetness in this wor1d.
Is that the basis of my sugar addiction? Do I rely on artificial sources of too-sweet (OMG, the L just started to work!) because I know the world is not sweet......????
I went to an alternative health fair once, and talked to a classical homeopath at length. He determined that I need one strong dose of a homeopathic made from sugar. He didn't have any with him, but invited me to his office to get it. I offered to pay and he got a little irate...I never went...
I have begun wandering into the land of wondering about addictions, and perhaps my subconscious is cooperating - saying, maybe you're ready for this, and punting 'aha' thoughts into my brain.
The other thing that happened, I was talking to a French woman who told me about a newly developing hands-on energy healing technique that locates and releases pain stored from early abusive or painful events of from patterns passed on by our ancestors. One can only study in France. I am making a statement to the Universe, if way opens, I will study this...
I hope your weekend is fun and relaxing.
I love you,
C1are...so much for my 1!!!!!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
And again with the shamanism
I don't know...maybe you should parachute. Or ride roller coasters...let your body remember letting go so that your psyche gets a clue of how it is done. You could go skiing. I remember one skiing trip with you. We were both bent in half, skis on our feet, hands on the ground, unable to stand up and laughing so hard we couldn't breath. Every time I tried to stand, the skis slid and I was clutching the Earth, gasping through laughter.
We need to be bold like that again. But somehow I think crone-bold is different than maiden-bold. I think it may still involve public exposure of our foibles, though. And laughter...I hope laughter!
The part-time job you accepted is teaching you to be a writer, opening way...just saying, little sister...
I'm still rereading Shakti Woman by Vicki Noble. Last night I read and reread a passage. Maybe sharing it with you will bring deeper insight.
A major element in beginning shamanic work for Western women is overcoming our addictions. In the United States probably every single woman who is called to become a healer is confounded in some way by her own addictions, either physical or psychological. It is a given. Along with our false view of reality (that everything is either physical and visible or not real) and our ingrained sense of inferiority because we are women (the fatal "flaw" that all women in patriarchal culture experience at the core), we have all been conditioned to need things that are not necessary and do not serve our health. These addictions have been structured into our beings, like knee-jerk responses to stimuli, so that they constantly distract us from our true path and obscure our vision. We are crippled by our addictive habits, debilitated by our need for what is unhealthful and paralyzed from acting on our own behalf and on behalf of our children. It is no wonder that women have started entering therapy in droves, to join Twelve-Step programs in large numbers, and to form female support groups for dealing with things like incest survival and food compulsions. This trend is a mass underground recovery movement, in which women everywhere have decided to get well.
-Vicki Noble
I love the image of a mass underground recovery. I also wonder if that is going on inside of me. Is there a massive recovery happening just outside of my consciousness, happening in a place where I can't second guess myself?
Of course, I made chocolate chip cookies tonight - healthy with honey and whole wheat flour and oats and sunflower seeds, but still - sugar numbing for my psyche. Sort of healthy numbing, but numbing nonetheless.
This passage leads me to wonder how many addictions I have. I am addicted to wheat and to sugar. I am addicted to escaping through daydreaming. I am addicted to martyrdom and self-criticism. But I know there's more. But because it's just me, just my normal, I can't identify it.
How do we identify our addictions? Hmmmmm...something to chew on.
One year ago, I was leaving the west coast, ending my time with my son and his family. I thought of that as I was walking and tears began to flow - just a little.
I hope you have a wonderful day. I'll check back in tomorrow. We'll see if I have had any clear thoughts.
Love from Clare
We need to be bold like that again. But somehow I think crone-bold is different than maiden-bold. I think it may still involve public exposure of our foibles, though. And laughter...I hope laughter!
The part-time job you accepted is teaching you to be a writer, opening way...just saying, little sister...
I'm still rereading Shakti Woman by Vicki Noble. Last night I read and reread a passage. Maybe sharing it with you will bring deeper insight.
A major element in beginning shamanic work for Western women is overcoming our addictions. In the United States probably every single woman who is called to become a healer is confounded in some way by her own addictions, either physical or psychological. It is a given. Along with our false view of reality (that everything is either physical and visible or not real) and our ingrained sense of inferiority because we are women (the fatal "flaw" that all women in patriarchal culture experience at the core), we have all been conditioned to need things that are not necessary and do not serve our health. These addictions have been structured into our beings, like knee-jerk responses to stimuli, so that they constantly distract us from our true path and obscure our vision. We are crippled by our addictive habits, debilitated by our need for what is unhealthful and paralyzed from acting on our own behalf and on behalf of our children. It is no wonder that women have started entering therapy in droves, to join Twelve-Step programs in large numbers, and to form female support groups for dealing with things like incest survival and food compulsions. This trend is a mass underground recovery movement, in which women everywhere have decided to get well.
-Vicki Noble
I love the image of a mass underground recovery. I also wonder if that is going on inside of me. Is there a massive recovery happening just outside of my consciousness, happening in a place where I can't second guess myself?
Of course, I made chocolate chip cookies tonight - healthy with honey and whole wheat flour and oats and sunflower seeds, but still - sugar numbing for my psyche. Sort of healthy numbing, but numbing nonetheless.
This passage leads me to wonder how many addictions I have. I am addicted to wheat and to sugar. I am addicted to escaping through daydreaming. I am addicted to martyrdom and self-criticism. But I know there's more. But because it's just me, just my normal, I can't identify it.
How do we identify our addictions? Hmmmmm...something to chew on.
One year ago, I was leaving the west coast, ending my time with my son and his family. I thought of that as I was walking and tears began to flow - just a little.
I hope you have a wonderful day. I'll check back in tomorrow. We'll see if I have had any clear thoughts.
Love from Clare
An new opportunity
Well, if I cannot control letting go then what will I do???
Actually I laughed when I read your sentence about willing the release...of course I am comfortable when I choose to let go...rather than just opening and waiting.
That is what I am attempting...to open and be receptive as well as giving.
I accepted a part-time job today. I am disappointed that it is very part time (20 hours per month), but I am intrigued by the potential of the position. It is for the agency that I interned with. They have asked me to write a monthly article for the newsletter on topics that interest me dealing with any aspect of social work. I will also have a current affairs blog on the website and will assist professionals around the state in social justice advocacy projects. They also want me to design and present continuing education programs for professionals. I am being asked to do all of the things that I enjoy...but am being compensated very little for it. I have always said that the more meaningful the work the less I need to be paid, so I will just have to make this really meaningful.
I told them that I want to be part of a collaborative team...that I don't want to be just sitting at home independently writing. They are going to build some office time into the position, but most of it I can do from anywhere.
There are several bonuses with this arrangement: I can still teach at the local university. I can still be open to any other opportunities that may arise in the future. I can still do research if the current project ever gets published, and I also get to work with some of my favorite people in the profession.
Now I have to develop my voice and choose topics to research and write about...
I think that your practice of considering what our father would do in a situation and then choosing otherwise is a solid one. I think that many people follow or avoid the lead that is set by their parents and families. Those that think generally pick and choose from previous examples set by family...while those that react tend to repeat the past...for better or worse.
I will check in tomorrow...I have to run to a meeting.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Actually I laughed when I read your sentence about willing the release...of course I am comfortable when I choose to let go...rather than just opening and waiting.
That is what I am attempting...to open and be receptive as well as giving.
I accepted a part-time job today. I am disappointed that it is very part time (20 hours per month), but I am intrigued by the potential of the position. It is for the agency that I interned with. They have asked me to write a monthly article for the newsletter on topics that interest me dealing with any aspect of social work. I will also have a current affairs blog on the website and will assist professionals around the state in social justice advocacy projects. They also want me to design and present continuing education programs for professionals. I am being asked to do all of the things that I enjoy...but am being compensated very little for it. I have always said that the more meaningful the work the less I need to be paid, so I will just have to make this really meaningful.
I told them that I want to be part of a collaborative team...that I don't want to be just sitting at home independently writing. They are going to build some office time into the position, but most of it I can do from anywhere.
There are several bonuses with this arrangement: I can still teach at the local university. I can still be open to any other opportunities that may arise in the future. I can still do research if the current project ever gets published, and I also get to work with some of my favorite people in the profession.
Now I have to develop my voice and choose topics to research and write about...
I think that your practice of considering what our father would do in a situation and then choosing otherwise is a solid one. I think that many people follow or avoid the lead that is set by their parents and families. Those that think generally pick and choose from previous examples set by family...while those that react tend to repeat the past...for better or worse.
I will check in tomorrow...I have to run to a meeting.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
leap of faith, well maybe a dip-a-toe-in of faith
I used to do what you do. I used to volunteer for everything - keeping myself so incredibly busy and exhausted, I never had to think about myself. I think part of not having a car right now is enforced hermitting. I have to stay home, I have limited contact with the world. I have to face me.
Not fun, but perhaps necessary.
I don't think you can will yourself to lose control. Will implies force, and that leads me to think of a lack of faith. You are trapped in your yellow chakra again. You have to get into the green and LOVE!!! You have to love you and love your husband - no holds barred, or - fewer holds barred!! You have to have faith and jump into the flow. See where it leads you. Of course, like all the important things in life - It's easier said than done.
I sure as hell don't do it. I'm the little fraidy cat, sitting in the reeds watching the bold be swept by, wishing I was alive, too. Wishing I was going somewhere too. But I have a lot of excuses for not going...Actually I'm going to go, I'm going to do it - when things are better, when I am better.
But maybe we have to leap to heal. Never thought of that before. And it makes me really uncomfortable.
Why can't this be easy???
It probably is!!! I simply don't get it...
Maybe our parents are teachers. We learn from their mistakes. I will admit that one of my most powerful parenting techniques was to consider what Dad would have done - and do something completely different. (Not kidding...) But our parents were also destroyers. My psyche is so shredded. And then I stepped into the role and hurt mine. I need to find a way to step out of that shame. Hmmm, instead of What Would Daddy Do? maybe I should wonder What Would Brene Do?
Don't forget that you have created something for yourself. You have created family. You have created a home. Maybe things aren't perfect right now, but that's just part of the flow. Maybe you're white water rafting for a few months until your son gets his bearings. Then there will be something else. That's life, the cycle through okay and not so okay.
My quote of the day, something that I've been rolling around in my brain:
When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Sleep well, dream sweet dreams, love you...
Clare
Not fun, but perhaps necessary.
I don't think you can will yourself to lose control. Will implies force, and that leads me to think of a lack of faith. You are trapped in your yellow chakra again. You have to get into the green and LOVE!!! You have to love you and love your husband - no holds barred, or - fewer holds barred!! You have to have faith and jump into the flow. See where it leads you. Of course, like all the important things in life - It's easier said than done.
I sure as hell don't do it. I'm the little fraidy cat, sitting in the reeds watching the bold be swept by, wishing I was alive, too. Wishing I was going somewhere too. But I have a lot of excuses for not going...Actually I'm going to go, I'm going to do it - when things are better, when I am better.
But maybe we have to leap to heal. Never thought of that before. And it makes me really uncomfortable.
Why can't this be easy???
It probably is!!! I simply don't get it...
Maybe our parents are teachers. We learn from their mistakes. I will admit that one of my most powerful parenting techniques was to consider what Dad would have done - and do something completely different. (Not kidding...) But our parents were also destroyers. My psyche is so shredded. And then I stepped into the role and hurt mine. I need to find a way to step out of that shame. Hmmm, instead of What Would Daddy Do? maybe I should wonder What Would Brene Do?
Don't forget that you have created something for yourself. You have created family. You have created a home. Maybe things aren't perfect right now, but that's just part of the flow. Maybe you're white water rafting for a few months until your son gets his bearings. Then there will be something else. That's life, the cycle through okay and not so okay.
My quote of the day, something that I've been rolling around in my brain:
When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Sleep well, dream sweet dreams, love you...
Clare
Stepping into the flow
Your vultures have reinforced a message that I received today...let go and let life flow. Their effortlessly riding the currents should remind us of our need to step into the current and flow along the journey that the universe has for us.
I was challenged to do that today...and yet, I resist.
I am terrified of relinquishing my control, even though my version of control resembles chaos.
I somehow believe that if I fill every waking moment with purposeful work then I am in control...
the reality is that I am constantly distracted from hearing my inner voice...
failing to receive any inspiration that is coming my way.
As I reflect today I see many recent instances which have shown me the need to let go.
I struggle with my son's experimentations...and yet I am truly powerless. I can only shine a light, he has to choose the path he walks.
I struggle with our parents' decision to move and particularly with their breaking of promises to you and our siblings...they are unable to let go...to show true generosity and openness to their family...to be vulnerable even though the one thing that means anything to them should be their relationship with their children. They couldn't give their stuff away...but their real challenge is in their struggle of giving themselves to us in relationship. From my perspective, they cannot open themselves to relationship, truth, forgiveness, trust, and unconditional love.
I struggle with my marriage...allowing myself to open to that relationship.
I try...but my patterned response, learned behaviors, make me close down frequently.
I am so busy trying to protect myself...
again I stay busy, busy, busy...
avoiding true connection...
it's safer that way...
but courage and wholeheartedness are the key to happiness and contentment. I know this.
Why does all of this have to be so damned difficult? It sounds so easy...but it is really tough to consistently pull off.
So, with all of this...swirling in my head...I spent the day quietly...meditating...napping...reading.
I open myself to clear intent.
I open myself to that inspiration that will spark a passion and direction for me.
I rededicate myself to patiently waiting for the right opportunity to come into my life...
despite my intense desire to create something for myself...I am my own worst obstacle.
I will myself to release control...to step into the flow...the strong, center current...and see where my life goes.
Hold all of this in the Light,
Please.
Blessings,
Maggie
I was challenged to do that today...and yet, I resist.
I am terrified of relinquishing my control, even though my version of control resembles chaos.
I somehow believe that if I fill every waking moment with purposeful work then I am in control...
the reality is that I am constantly distracted from hearing my inner voice...
failing to receive any inspiration that is coming my way.
As I reflect today I see many recent instances which have shown me the need to let go.
I struggle with my son's experimentations...and yet I am truly powerless. I can only shine a light, he has to choose the path he walks.
I struggle with our parents' decision to move and particularly with their breaking of promises to you and our siblings...they are unable to let go...to show true generosity and openness to their family...to be vulnerable even though the one thing that means anything to them should be their relationship with their children. They couldn't give their stuff away...but their real challenge is in their struggle of giving themselves to us in relationship. From my perspective, they cannot open themselves to relationship, truth, forgiveness, trust, and unconditional love.
I struggle with my marriage...allowing myself to open to that relationship.
I try...but my patterned response, learned behaviors, make me close down frequently.
I am so busy trying to protect myself...
again I stay busy, busy, busy...
avoiding true connection...
it's safer that way...
but courage and wholeheartedness are the key to happiness and contentment. I know this.
Why does all of this have to be so damned difficult? It sounds so easy...but it is really tough to consistently pull off.
So, with all of this...swirling in my head...I spent the day quietly...meditating...napping...reading.
I open myself to clear intent.
I open myself to that inspiration that will spark a passion and direction for me.
I rededicate myself to patiently waiting for the right opportunity to come into my life...
despite my intense desire to create something for myself...I am my own worst obstacle.
I will myself to release control...to step into the flow...the strong, center current...and see where my life goes.
Hold all of this in the Light,
Please.
Blessings,
Maggie
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Again with the vultures
I was outside walking the baby, this afternoon. We visit all of the trees in the yard. And the flowers. It calms her quickly. Since she's not much of a conversationalist, I was thinking about this flow. I was thinking about taking the next steps into myself - I'm still feeling inspired by the Chopra quote you shared. I was feeling like we have a greater purpose, almost a soul contract to do...something. I sat on the swing in the driveway, with my granddaughter on my lap, and looked at the sky when a vulture caught my eye. It circled higher and higher, never moving its wings - just catching the updrafts and flowing with the energy. I thought, "It should be that easy. We should be able to soar effortlessly into what we're supposed to be doing." Then I started self doubting, and whining, spiritually, complaining internally about how hard life can be.
I was watching the vulture when I saw another climb the breeze and join the one I was watching...then there was a third, then four more joined them, and I was watching seven vultures sky writing - just for me. My daughter came home, and then there was just one. And I noticed that the cloud formations were completely different.
My daughter has been reading a lot about attachment parenting. In my day, we thought the best way to conquer tantrums was to ignore them. If the toddler didn't get what was demanded, they would calm down and learn self-discipline. My daughter just read an article that says when I small child is really losing it, they need support. Parents should not just give the child anything they want, but when the child feels especially frustrated, they should not be abandoned, left alone to self-soothe.
I was thinking about the whining, critical voices in the back of our minds. Is this an unfulfilled toddler who was ignored? Who still has something to say? What if we acknowledge and love that voice, soothe it and let it know we are not alone...sounds a bit schizophrenic, but I think you know what I mean. And upon rereading, what about the ego? Can recognition be the path to balance?
My daughter was with me when clothes shopping, but she was looking for some work clothes, and we were juggling the babe. If I hate something, I don't let anyone else see it. And I hated everything I tried on.
Almost at the end of my day...
Love you!!!
Clare
I was watching the vulture when I saw another climb the breeze and join the one I was watching...then there was a third, then four more joined them, and I was watching seven vultures sky writing - just for me. My daughter came home, and then there was just one. And I noticed that the cloud formations were completely different.
My daughter has been reading a lot about attachment parenting. In my day, we thought the best way to conquer tantrums was to ignore them. If the toddler didn't get what was demanded, they would calm down and learn self-discipline. My daughter just read an article that says when I small child is really losing it, they need support. Parents should not just give the child anything they want, but when the child feels especially frustrated, they should not be abandoned, left alone to self-soothe.
I was thinking about the whining, critical voices in the back of our minds. Is this an unfulfilled toddler who was ignored? Who still has something to say? What if we acknowledge and love that voice, soothe it and let it know we are not alone...sounds a bit schizophrenic, but I think you know what I mean. And upon rereading, what about the ego? Can recognition be the path to balance?
My daughter was with me when clothes shopping, but she was looking for some work clothes, and we were juggling the babe. If I hate something, I don't let anyone else see it. And I hated everything I tried on.
Almost at the end of my day...
Love you!!!
Clare
letting go of that little voice
We are off to another year of school and schedules. It is hard to get back into the routine, but I have to admit that getting up early to have time for me before the rest of the world rushes in really feeds me.
I become less than consistent during the summer, when I can wake up to my own internal clock. Discipline is good for me.
We are traveling along the same current right now...
I feel optimistic and full of energy to tackle the issues that are important to me one day and then a day or so later I am filled with doubt and question who that person really is...
why does she think she can make a difference in this world?
It's that little voice that runs in the back of our minds, reminding us of our weaknesses. It's probably time to let go of that voice. I wonder if consciously ignoring it will strengthen it or diminish it. It is probably much like the ego, it will complain loudly and bitterly at first, trying desperately to draw you back into ego-centricity, and eventually return to a quiet place of balance.
I think the path follows the flow of compassion and empathy. Again, we are back to being that channel that facilitates the flow, perhaps augmenting it, but not trying to divert it for our own profit or interests. I think that openness and trust are vital...but they are so difficult.
I have another job interview today. It is with the agency that I did my internship with last year. The position would involve a lot of writing. I wonder if my skills are good enough. I would need to learn to edit my work because I do love to go on and on. I am not convinced that this is the position for me, but it would be a starting place and I do really like the people who work in this agency. I will have to consider this one.
Clothing shopping is a nightmare...the lighting, those mirrors, being surrounded by people...Did you take someone with you? Sometimes it helps to have someone else along for their opinion. I often buy clothes on line because it bypasses all 3 of those issues for me. When I do buy in the stores it is usually something that I pick up and have a sense that it is going to work for me. I look when the girls are shopping.
I am off to tackle my day.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I become less than consistent during the summer, when I can wake up to my own internal clock. Discipline is good for me.
We are traveling along the same current right now...
I feel optimistic and full of energy to tackle the issues that are important to me one day and then a day or so later I am filled with doubt and question who that person really is...
why does she think she can make a difference in this world?
It's that little voice that runs in the back of our minds, reminding us of our weaknesses. It's probably time to let go of that voice. I wonder if consciously ignoring it will strengthen it or diminish it. It is probably much like the ego, it will complain loudly and bitterly at first, trying desperately to draw you back into ego-centricity, and eventually return to a quiet place of balance.
I think the path follows the flow of compassion and empathy. Again, we are back to being that channel that facilitates the flow, perhaps augmenting it, but not trying to divert it for our own profit or interests. I think that openness and trust are vital...but they are so difficult.
I have another job interview today. It is with the agency that I did my internship with last year. The position would involve a lot of writing. I wonder if my skills are good enough. I would need to learn to edit my work because I do love to go on and on. I am not convinced that this is the position for me, but it would be a starting place and I do really like the people who work in this agency. I will have to consider this one.
Clothing shopping is a nightmare...the lighting, those mirrors, being surrounded by people...Did you take someone with you? Sometimes it helps to have someone else along for their opinion. I often buy clothes on line because it bypasses all 3 of those issues for me. When I do buy in the stores it is usually something that I pick up and have a sense that it is going to work for me. I look when the girls are shopping.
I am off to tackle my day.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, August 26, 2013
wallowing and considering
Yay for traditions. They are a big part of the way we define family. We know we belong together because we celebrate or acknowledge the same ways...
I've been mulling over the Deepak Chopra quote you posted a few days ago. A few days ago, when I felt the love and passion flowing through me, I felt so led. I felt like I need to be doing something where I talk to people, where I model acceptance. I thought about counseling, or practicing as a community herbalist or flower essence therapist. I thought about writing, about the Me, too Foundation. It all seemed possible and right. I felt so...me.
But then I had to get up early for work. And then, well I haven't bought any clothes for myself for over two years. I went shopping today, and tried on a few garments, and hated them. I fell back into my pit of self-loathing. So I'm gonna wallow in the swamp for a few days and miss the sunshine.
I know I am that person, that flow of compassion. I just don't know how to be that person in today's world.
But for me, it always comes back to healing and sharing - which kind of blends into educating.
It has been a long day. How did the first day of school go?
Love to all of you...
Clare
I've been mulling over the Deepak Chopra quote you posted a few days ago. A few days ago, when I felt the love and passion flowing through me, I felt so led. I felt like I need to be doing something where I talk to people, where I model acceptance. I thought about counseling, or practicing as a community herbalist or flower essence therapist. I thought about writing, about the Me, too Foundation. It all seemed possible and right. I felt so...me.
But then I had to get up early for work. And then, well I haven't bought any clothes for myself for over two years. I went shopping today, and tried on a few garments, and hated them. I fell back into my pit of self-loathing. So I'm gonna wallow in the swamp for a few days and miss the sunshine.
I know I am that person, that flow of compassion. I just don't know how to be that person in today's world.
But for me, it always comes back to healing and sharing - which kind of blends into educating.
It has been a long day. How did the first day of school go?
Love to all of you...
Clare
The first day of school
The first day of school.
I just finished my introduction to my class.
I always wonder what they must think of me...hearing and seeing me for the first time.
I try to be upbeat and open with them, encouraging them to explore whatever we are talking about.
I started out by telling them that they are a mind, body and spirit and that to maintain health they must work on a balance of all of these aspects. I like to set the tone that this isn't an ordinary health class.
I describe the course, with an emphasis on healthy choices based upon factual information as the goal.
I tried to get a feel for how much background they have had...how much remediation I will have to do. I also explain that the evaluations of their work will be democratically decided upon...hopefully with consensus instead of majority rule. They decide project or exam...paper, poster board, something creative to demonstrate their understanding.
I am not sure how much they heard...
they looked like deer in the headlights...
most couldn't formulate questions...
or weren't awake enough to do so.
Oh well, I have them again on Wednesday...
we'll see how many I have lost or gained.
Usually after the first class there is a scramble to move to a "better" professor by some students. They get a feel for the profs and then talk with their friends...switching to improve their lot.
We will see.
I don't remember packing/carrying lunch when I was in school. I probably got a hand-me-down lunch box so it doesn't register in my memory banks.
This morning S#1 became responsible for transporting S#2 to high school. It was comical hearing him threaten, "If you are not in the car by 7:30 I am leaving without you!" What a wonderful tradition we have established...I have said that many times, D#1 threatened S#1 in the same manner, and now it is repeated yet again. D#2 went to a different school so she bypassed that all together...lucky girl. S#2 was so anxious about high school that the got up this morning early enough to do 30 minutes of "insanity" (a workout) and run 2 miles. I hope that he is OK today. He reminded me how he cried the first day of middle school because his homeroom teacher tried to intimidate them with a "bad ass" speech. I asked S#1 to help him...but all I got in reply was a smirk.
I am going to be a good mom and bake them chocolate chip cookies for their return. It is another tradition that we've established. At least I can make an effort on the first day.
I love you,
Blessings and Peace,
Maggie
I just finished my introduction to my class.
I always wonder what they must think of me...hearing and seeing me for the first time.
I try to be upbeat and open with them, encouraging them to explore whatever we are talking about.
I started out by telling them that they are a mind, body and spirit and that to maintain health they must work on a balance of all of these aspects. I like to set the tone that this isn't an ordinary health class.
I describe the course, with an emphasis on healthy choices based upon factual information as the goal.
I tried to get a feel for how much background they have had...how much remediation I will have to do. I also explain that the evaluations of their work will be democratically decided upon...hopefully with consensus instead of majority rule. They decide project or exam...paper, poster board, something creative to demonstrate their understanding.
I am not sure how much they heard...
they looked like deer in the headlights...
most couldn't formulate questions...
or weren't awake enough to do so.
Oh well, I have them again on Wednesday...
we'll see how many I have lost or gained.
Usually after the first class there is a scramble to move to a "better" professor by some students. They get a feel for the profs and then talk with their friends...switching to improve their lot.
We will see.
I don't remember packing/carrying lunch when I was in school. I probably got a hand-me-down lunch box so it doesn't register in my memory banks.
This morning S#1 became responsible for transporting S#2 to high school. It was comical hearing him threaten, "If you are not in the car by 7:30 I am leaving without you!" What a wonderful tradition we have established...I have said that many times, D#1 threatened S#1 in the same manner, and now it is repeated yet again. D#2 went to a different school so she bypassed that all together...lucky girl. S#2 was so anxious about high school that the got up this morning early enough to do 30 minutes of "insanity" (a workout) and run 2 miles. I hope that he is OK today. He reminded me how he cried the first day of middle school because his homeroom teacher tried to intimidate them with a "bad ass" speech. I asked S#1 to help him...but all I got in reply was a smirk.
I am going to be a good mom and bake them chocolate chip cookies for their return. It is another tradition that we've established. At least I can make an effort on the first day.
I love you,
Blessings and Peace,
Maggie
Sunday, August 25, 2013
bits-n-pieces of thoughts
I'm so glad you "got it." I knew what I meant about feeling like the Earth, like being on that fine line between health and disease. But I didn't know if I was making sense.
So many times I have felt like we are a strain of bacteria infecting the body of the Earth. But then as I read about our bodies, and I realize more and more that we are conglomerates of bacteria, I have begun wondering which species we are to the Earth's body -- or if we are even all the same species...
Who will survive? I have often thought it would be the people who know how to live in balance with the Earth. How do we eat, drink, heal without taking more than their fair share. I would guess that includes few of us in the US!
We have another week and a half before school begins here. It doesn't make much difference in my life anymore though. What kind of lunch box did you buy? Do you remember how we used to beg for and fight over lunch boxes featuring television characters?
Holding a sleeping baby today, and grabbed a nearby book. It is about feminine shamanism, suggesting that most of the first shamen were female. Then my daughter asked to watch an old rerun of the Cosby Show to help her unwind before bed. In the show, the women were talking, comparing stories, and calling the men to face up to some of what they had done. The men were humorously fearful and obedient. I was wondering if part of the problems with racism in this country come from a need to stomp out powerful women.
Wandering thoughts at the end of a long weekend.
Talked to Mom today. So far, they like their new neighborhood.
Off to bed with me. Sweet dreams sister!
Clare
So many times I have felt like we are a strain of bacteria infecting the body of the Earth. But then as I read about our bodies, and I realize more and more that we are conglomerates of bacteria, I have begun wondering which species we are to the Earth's body -- or if we are even all the same species...
Who will survive? I have often thought it would be the people who know how to live in balance with the Earth. How do we eat, drink, heal without taking more than their fair share. I would guess that includes few of us in the US!
We have another week and a half before school begins here. It doesn't make much difference in my life anymore though. What kind of lunch box did you buy? Do you remember how we used to beg for and fight over lunch boxes featuring television characters?
Holding a sleeping baby today, and grabbed a nearby book. It is about feminine shamanism, suggesting that most of the first shamen were female. Then my daughter asked to watch an old rerun of the Cosby Show to help her unwind before bed. In the show, the women were talking, comparing stories, and calling the men to face up to some of what they had done. The men were humorously fearful and obedient. I was wondering if part of the problems with racism in this country come from a need to stomp out powerful women.
Wandering thoughts at the end of a long weekend.
Talked to Mom today. So far, they like their new neighborhood.
Off to bed with me. Sweet dreams sister!
Clare
back to school
Your empathy for the world shows in your lifestyle and choices.
I do recognize that fine line between health and disease...
and we humans continue to push hard against those boundaries.
We consume too much and then wonder why we are not well.
Our earth is changing...
it is manifesting the consequences of overconsumption...
and we humans and most mammals will be the hardest hit.
We are moving towards another mass extinction...
some species will survive...
particularly the plants which will eventually rebalance the atmosphere and allow more evolved forms of mammals to emerge.
I wonder if there aren't humans who have silent genes that will allow them to survive or thrive on less oxygen and different environmental factors...then those "fittest" will reproduce and thrive. Can you tell I begin teaching again tomorrow morning..I have my science brain turned on again.
I spoke with several friends at Meeting this morning...
it was good to see them again.
Our meeting community splits for the summer with about two thirds going to a very old meeting house nearer to my home and the rest going to the city meeting house. It is a wonderful change of pace, but I miss seeing friends. It makes me realize how important community really is.
Everyone goes back to school tomorrow. We will be back on the daily schedule...the hardest part of that is going to sleep and waking up on time. This morning I made a list of all of the activities that I could do with my free time, until I get a job. It was good to physically see how much I have in my life...it is amazing how much I have neglected for the past 3 years.
I have to go buy a lunch box for the youngest...
Until tomorrow,
Maggie
I do recognize that fine line between health and disease...
and we humans continue to push hard against those boundaries.
We consume too much and then wonder why we are not well.
Our earth is changing...
it is manifesting the consequences of overconsumption...
and we humans and most mammals will be the hardest hit.
We are moving towards another mass extinction...
some species will survive...
particularly the plants which will eventually rebalance the atmosphere and allow more evolved forms of mammals to emerge.
I wonder if there aren't humans who have silent genes that will allow them to survive or thrive on less oxygen and different environmental factors...then those "fittest" will reproduce and thrive. Can you tell I begin teaching again tomorrow morning..I have my science brain turned on again.
I spoke with several friends at Meeting this morning...
it was good to see them again.
Our meeting community splits for the summer with about two thirds going to a very old meeting house nearer to my home and the rest going to the city meeting house. It is a wonderful change of pace, but I miss seeing friends. It makes me realize how important community really is.
Everyone goes back to school tomorrow. We will be back on the daily schedule...the hardest part of that is going to sleep and waking up on time. This morning I made a list of all of the activities that I could do with my free time, until I get a job. It was good to physically see how much I have in my life...it is amazing how much I have neglected for the past 3 years.
I have to go buy a lunch box for the youngest...
Until tomorrow,
Maggie
Saturday, August 24, 2013
compassion
You are in that same place where all new graduates start...how do I get the position I want without experience, how do I get experience if no one will give me a chance??? And like everyone else, you have to be vulnerable and have faith.
I am not sure what I am feeling. In the book I am reading - still reading Abraham, someone asked a rabbi from the mideast how he could stand the violence of the region. He said he looks for something good. He noted a few good things. And even though I have heard this before, I am working with this again.
The other thing that has been happening lately is that I feel compassionate. I feel like I have this warm flow running from the Earth and through me. I feel like I am on the border between healthy and chronically ill, and that is where the Earth is also.
Told you I'm being weird again...
But this compassion, it isn't personal, it's global. I don't know how to put words on this. But it is a good thing.
I had another day with the baby. It was a little frustrating, but something in me decided to disempower time. Time simply did not matter. We were just together. Somehow it made the day better. As I mentioned before I sing to her, as I have sung to all of my grandchildren. A favorite lullaby is Bob Dylan's Make You Feel My Love. I love singing this to them.
It made such an impact on one, that I received a gift of a video of my oldest grandson singing it to me. He made me cry...
But there's a line in the song about "the highway of regret." I think about regret. What is the moment I regret most? My answer has changed recently. In the past - I had a series of strange encounters with psychic people, all describing a specific man. I met him, I was terrified, I walked away...I sort of ran. I have regretted that moment of cowardice many, many times. Recently, though, I realized that I regret another moment even more. I don't even remember the moment, but I regret the first time I screamed at my child. I regret that first betrayal.
I wish I could go to that self, just before I lost control, and could take that young mama in my arms and say, "I know. I know it hurts. I know you feel like you are going crazy. I know you don't think anyone loves you. You're not alone. It gets better - you get better. I love you. I love you so much. Take time. Calm down. Right now, you can change history - let love triumph over pain."
Compassion. Even for myself...
I love you, I honor you and your talents, I am grateful for you...
Clare
Friday, August 23, 2013
synchronicity...
I picked up a book tonight that I set aside when we left for vacation. I started to read this passage, it was something that I needed to be reminded of:
Wait until your intention is clear...Countless people are looking for motivation in the wrong places...Motivation, the kind that carries seed ideas to fruition with energy and passion, comes from a clear intent. Knowing what you want to do, with unwavering conviction, is the spark that generates everything else...Confusion and uncertainty divide the flow of life into separate, weak channels....The right kind of waiting involves discrimination: inwardly sorting out what feels right from what doesn't...you keep an eye out for the spark that refuses to be extinguished ...in hindsight, one can see that the individuals who held out until clear intent revealed itself were the lucky ones. Despite stress, peer pressure, and doubt, they had inner strength to trust that "something is out there waiting."The fog that shrouds your soul may be thick, but it will clear if you want it to, however long the process takes.
Deepak Chopra, Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul
Blessings,
Maggie
Wait until your intention is clear...Countless people are looking for motivation in the wrong places...Motivation, the kind that carries seed ideas to fruition with energy and passion, comes from a clear intent. Knowing what you want to do, with unwavering conviction, is the spark that generates everything else...Confusion and uncertainty divide the flow of life into separate, weak channels....The right kind of waiting involves discrimination: inwardly sorting out what feels right from what doesn't...you keep an eye out for the spark that refuses to be extinguished ...in hindsight, one can see that the individuals who held out until clear intent revealed itself were the lucky ones. Despite stress, peer pressure, and doubt, they had inner strength to trust that "something is out there waiting."The fog that shrouds your soul may be thick, but it will clear if you want it to, however long the process takes.
Deepak Chopra, Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul
Blessings,
Maggie
less than optimistic today
When did you stop Dancing?
When did you stop Singing?
When did you stop being enchanted by Stories?
When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of Silence?
I started remembering when I began singing, just after my youngest was born. My stories came back to me in a more coherent and believable way. Before that, if I remembered any traumas, I would tell myself they were too outlandish to be trusted. That I must be mistaken. Then I started writing my stories in the form of lyrics, as I came to understand their influence and meaning on my life. I should begin to write again...I have several concepts in my brain, I just need to write them down. My biggest obstacle is that the woman with whom I collaborate wants to sell the songs and promote them...I just want to write and sing without any pressure of success or failure.
These are the art forms that can bring me to tears...they are a conduit to the deepest reaches of our soul.
I am honored that you have shared this with your daughter-in-law...it is a trustworthy place to share and vent. If it makes her feel less isolated and more cherished then she is most welcome. I shared the link with someone a while ago, at first I was conscious of their potential reaction, but that quickly passed.
I was most worried when we invited our siblings to read and share...
but that turned out to be wasted anxiety...
they haven't accessed the blog as far as I can tell.
Today I am once again feeling like an anomaly.
I did not get either of the jobs I interviewed for.
I am being so hard on myself...why did I waste that time and money on education and I can't get a job!
Who does that sound like? But I can't get that refrain out of my head.
I know that patience is necessary. I know that the right thing will come along.
I just feel so lost...where do I fit?
How am I supposed to get professional experience if no one will give me a chance?
What the hell do I have to do to impress an employer?
I have to be honest...but it's not working.
I just want to know that it is all worth it.
I am getting tired of being optimistic...Blessings,
Maggie
When did you stop Singing?
When did you stop being enchanted by Stories?
When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of Silence?
I started remembering when I began singing, just after my youngest was born. My stories came back to me in a more coherent and believable way. Before that, if I remembered any traumas, I would tell myself they were too outlandish to be trusted. That I must be mistaken. Then I started writing my stories in the form of lyrics, as I came to understand their influence and meaning on my life. I should begin to write again...I have several concepts in my brain, I just need to write them down. My biggest obstacle is that the woman with whom I collaborate wants to sell the songs and promote them...I just want to write and sing without any pressure of success or failure.
These are the art forms that can bring me to tears...they are a conduit to the deepest reaches of our soul.
I am honored that you have shared this with your daughter-in-law...it is a trustworthy place to share and vent. If it makes her feel less isolated and more cherished then she is most welcome. I shared the link with someone a while ago, at first I was conscious of their potential reaction, but that quickly passed.
I was most worried when we invited our siblings to read and share...
but that turned out to be wasted anxiety...
they haven't accessed the blog as far as I can tell.
Today I am once again feeling like an anomaly.
I did not get either of the jobs I interviewed for.
I am being so hard on myself...why did I waste that time and money on education and I can't get a job!
Who does that sound like? But I can't get that refrain out of my head.
I know that patience is necessary. I know that the right thing will come along.
I just feel so lost...where do I fit?
How am I supposed to get professional experience if no one will give me a chance?
What the hell do I have to do to impress an employer?
I have to be honest...but it's not working.
I just want to know that it is all worth it.
I am getting tired of being optimistic...Blessings,
Maggie
dancing?
I just wanted to point out that it's not only family culture that has shredded our psyches. Our national violent culture as well as our religious culture all work together and destroy our humanity.
I did something extremely vulnerable. I was talking to my daughter-in-law yesterday when she opened up and started talking about some of the patterns in their family. I spoke openly about my problems and understandings. But we ran out of time. So, I decided to email her and tell her about this blog. I gave her the link and asked her not to out us.
For the first time I have someone I know and love reading this. I hope it doesn't change my honestly, I hope I don't start to protect myself.
But she sent a quick thanks, and a little insight. It was absolute Me, too time. Her patterns are our patterns. Maybe now we will start to have a direct effect on those we love the best, those nearest and dearest to us.
I'm still thinking about suffering. I am thinking about bearing sorrow and sadness and loneliness. It is like a pressure weighing us down. But we are supposed to feel. I was so sad when Grammy died. But she was worth the tears. Her absence in my life was painful, because I loved her. It is appropriate and almost beautiful to feel this sorrow. And once I got used to the weight, it lifted and joyful memories raced into their place.
But death of a grandparent is natural. The pain of being abused is not. Maybe we hold onto the bad feelings, because we are hiding from them, or hiding from more being dumped on us. Or maybe it's simply that part of our spirit has died. Is that possible? Did Dad's hate-filled words kill part of me? Is that the tar-girl?
Have you ever seen this quote?
I was walking the baby and singing while her mama attended a work meeting last evening. She actually likes Patsy Cline - Walking After Midnight! And I thought of this quote. I never stopped singing, but I don't think I ever started dancing. I think I was violated out of my body at an early age. I had the strong sensation that this is true again last night. So later, when I was ready for sleep, I thought of the tar-girl who has been dancing all summer, and I invited her back. She rejoined me, she seems to be part of me again.
I hope so.
I love you, Hope all is well with your brood.
Clare
Gabrielle Roth
I did something extremely vulnerable. I was talking to my daughter-in-law yesterday when she opened up and started talking about some of the patterns in their family. I spoke openly about my problems and understandings. But we ran out of time. So, I decided to email her and tell her about this blog. I gave her the link and asked her not to out us.
For the first time I have someone I know and love reading this. I hope it doesn't change my honestly, I hope I don't start to protect myself.
But she sent a quick thanks, and a little insight. It was absolute Me, too time. Her patterns are our patterns. Maybe now we will start to have a direct effect on those we love the best, those nearest and dearest to us.
I'm still thinking about suffering. I am thinking about bearing sorrow and sadness and loneliness. It is like a pressure weighing us down. But we are supposed to feel. I was so sad when Grammy died. But she was worth the tears. Her absence in my life was painful, because I loved her. It is appropriate and almost beautiful to feel this sorrow. And once I got used to the weight, it lifted and joyful memories raced into their place.
But death of a grandparent is natural. The pain of being abused is not. Maybe we hold onto the bad feelings, because we are hiding from them, or hiding from more being dumped on us. Or maybe it's simply that part of our spirit has died. Is that possible? Did Dad's hate-filled words kill part of me? Is that the tar-girl?
Have you ever seen this quote?
“In many shamanic societies, if you came to a shaman or medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or-Gabriel Rothdepressed , they would ask one of four questions:
When did you stop Dancing?
When did you stop Singing?
When did you stop being enchanted by Stories?
When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of Silence?
Dancing, singing, storytelling, and silence are the four universal healing salves and where we have stopped them is where we have experienced the loss of soul.”
I was walking the baby and singing while her mama attended a work meeting last evening. She actually likes Patsy Cline - Walking After Midnight! And I thought of this quote. I never stopped singing, but I don't think I ever started dancing. I think I was violated out of my body at an early age. I had the strong sensation that this is true again last night. So later, when I was ready for sleep, I thought of the tar-girl who has been dancing all summer, and I invited her back. She rejoined me, she seems to be part of me again.
I hope so.
I love you, Hope all is well with your brood.
Clare
Gabrielle Roth
Thursday, August 22, 2013
bless and release the pain
I do believe that religion has subverted suffering to control the masses.
It is glorified in martyrdom,
threatened to keep us in line with eternal damnation in hell.
What a confusing pack of ideas.
I think that we have held onto a lot of our pain and hurt and shame from childhood, which has caused us to suffer. I believe that we need to release those experiences to release ourselves from the hold that they have on our lives.
Depression comes from living in the past, anxiety from living in the future.
Even in the depression that I have experienced...if I hadn't clung to the negativity of my mood so tenaciously I would have fared much better. Not that I would not have experienced a depressed mood, but it would not have rooted itself so deeply in my life that I am still digging out.
At least I have the strength to dig.
So I will acknowledge the frustration, pain and grief and do as you suggest...bless them and release them. That will be a path to contentment.
I also believe that poverty by today's definition is nothing like it was when the scriptures were written. Trusting in the abundance of the universe meant that you needed to hoard nothing.
Today we hoard everything...and still fear that we will want. I am as guilty of this as the next person.
I am learning the lesson of waiting upon the universe to manifest...I am still waiting for the right job to open. I learned today that I did not get the public policy job that I had interviewed for. I am really disappointed. I know the woman who is taking the job, I really like her, so I can't be too upset. I just hate uncertainty...and then I realize what a ridiculous statement that is...there really is no certainty in this world.
I will continue to look...and persevere.
Love and Light,
Maggie
It is glorified in martyrdom,
threatened to keep us in line with eternal damnation in hell.
What a confusing pack of ideas.
I think that we have held onto a lot of our pain and hurt and shame from childhood, which has caused us to suffer. I believe that we need to release those experiences to release ourselves from the hold that they have on our lives.
Depression comes from living in the past, anxiety from living in the future.
Even in the depression that I have experienced...if I hadn't clung to the negativity of my mood so tenaciously I would have fared much better. Not that I would not have experienced a depressed mood, but it would not have rooted itself so deeply in my life that I am still digging out.
At least I have the strength to dig.
So I will acknowledge the frustration, pain and grief and do as you suggest...bless them and release them. That will be a path to contentment.
I also believe that poverty by today's definition is nothing like it was when the scriptures were written. Trusting in the abundance of the universe meant that you needed to hoard nothing.
Today we hoard everything...and still fear that we will want. I am as guilty of this as the next person.
I am learning the lesson of waiting upon the universe to manifest...I am still waiting for the right job to open. I learned today that I did not get the public policy job that I had interviewed for. I am really disappointed. I know the woman who is taking the job, I really like her, so I can't be too upset. I just hate uncertainty...and then I realize what a ridiculous statement that is...there really is no certainty in this world.
I will continue to look...and persevere.
Love and Light,
Maggie
What is suffering? A bit more...
Hello Little Sister,
How are you today? I feel my depression lifting. I am starting to feel like I can handle things again. I wish I understood why this happened...
I am still thinking about your post with the Dark Night of the Soul. You listed living through:
the frustration...
the depression...
the separation...
the isolation...
I think perhaps we have both been living with this all of our lives. Now you are living them with awareness, which allows you to feel the pain. You see them, you prayed for them, now perhaps the best thing is to thank them, bless them and let them go...I had the image of trapped birds flying free.
When you describe living through suffering, I feel almost like you are describing drama - creating drama in order to feel alive. It is a symptom of being raised in alcoholic chaos. Drama, pain and suffering, are the everyday experience, and we feel incomplete without it. When everything is calm and peaceful, we are frightened, wary, waiting for the crap to hit the proverbial fan so we can feel relaxed and comfortable. I see this all the time with others. It's much more difficult to see it in myself, and therefore to release.
I think you could make a good case of your medical/physical description of self-imposed suffering as applied to emotional conditions. It would be an interesting assignment.
I thought a lot about suffering yesterday, and looked at the etymology of the word. I also thought about poverty, because I think that religion has taken some of these virtues and redefined them in such a way as to enslave us. I think poverty is faith - one does not need possessions because whatever is needed will manifest. We have lost that. We no longer trust the universe to provide. Now we think poverty is being hungry, ignored, not as good as...it is God's punishment. I believe the same happened to the concept of suffering.
I love synchronicity. I am currently reading the book Abraham, which I took from your back-of-the-car library. And just last night I read a piece about suffering.
...in doing so, (they) altered the notion of suffering that had existed fpr centuries. In antiquity, the children if Israel suffered because they disobeyed God's law...By contrast, medieval Jews began to see suffering as a sign of God's favor rather than his fury. Exemplary individuals are often asked to suffer for their righteous behavior...Hardship is an indication of worthiness, not sin, and only strengthens those who are faithful.
-Bruce Feiler
It goes on to talk about creation of the victim. The victim is holy.
Originally suffer came from the Proto-Indo-European language as a combination of sub - under, and ferre - to carry. It means, to me, to to bear something. It is not good or bad. While I was thinking about it, I thought about getting two puppies at the same time. I had to lose two dogs within a short time. I considered losing Grammy, and some of our cousins - we don't all come to Earth at the same time, we don't all leave at the same time. The suffering, the too-much-to-bear comes in the separation. By the 13th Century to suffer included allowing something to continue, and by the 14th Century, it meant to meekly submit. That just reaks of religion to me. It feels like part of the path to enslavemetn.
Not sure where this is going, but I wanted to share...
My youngest is home, and so I am off to Grandma-land!!'
I love you!!
Clare
How are you today? I feel my depression lifting. I am starting to feel like I can handle things again. I wish I understood why this happened...
I am still thinking about your post with the Dark Night of the Soul. You listed living through:
the frustration...
the depression...
the separation...
the isolation...
I think perhaps we have both been living with this all of our lives. Now you are living them with awareness, which allows you to feel the pain. You see them, you prayed for them, now perhaps the best thing is to thank them, bless them and let them go...I had the image of trapped birds flying free.
When you describe living through suffering, I feel almost like you are describing drama - creating drama in order to feel alive. It is a symptom of being raised in alcoholic chaos. Drama, pain and suffering, are the everyday experience, and we feel incomplete without it. When everything is calm and peaceful, we are frightened, wary, waiting for the crap to hit the proverbial fan so we can feel relaxed and comfortable. I see this all the time with others. It's much more difficult to see it in myself, and therefore to release.
I think you could make a good case of your medical/physical description of self-imposed suffering as applied to emotional conditions. It would be an interesting assignment.
I thought a lot about suffering yesterday, and looked at the etymology of the word. I also thought about poverty, because I think that religion has taken some of these virtues and redefined them in such a way as to enslave us. I think poverty is faith - one does not need possessions because whatever is needed will manifest. We have lost that. We no longer trust the universe to provide. Now we think poverty is being hungry, ignored, not as good as...it is God's punishment. I believe the same happened to the concept of suffering.
I love synchronicity. I am currently reading the book Abraham, which I took from your back-of-the-car library. And just last night I read a piece about suffering.
...in doing so, (they) altered the notion of suffering that had existed fpr centuries. In antiquity, the children if Israel suffered because they disobeyed God's law...By contrast, medieval Jews began to see suffering as a sign of God's favor rather than his fury. Exemplary individuals are often asked to suffer for their righteous behavior...Hardship is an indication of worthiness, not sin, and only strengthens those who are faithful.
-Bruce Feiler
It goes on to talk about creation of the victim. The victim is holy.
Originally suffer came from the Proto-Indo-European language as a combination of sub - under, and ferre - to carry. It means, to me, to to bear something. It is not good or bad. While I was thinking about it, I thought about getting two puppies at the same time. I had to lose two dogs within a short time. I considered losing Grammy, and some of our cousins - we don't all come to Earth at the same time, we don't all leave at the same time. The suffering, the too-much-to-bear comes in the separation. By the 13th Century to suffer included allowing something to continue, and by the 14th Century, it meant to meekly submit. That just reaks of religion to me. It feels like part of the path to enslavemetn.
Not sure where this is going, but I wanted to share...
My youngest is home, and so I am off to Grandma-land!!'
I love you!!
Clare
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
suffering revisited
Let me explain what I mean about suffering...
Take the example of physical pain. Pain can lead to significant suffering, but it doesn't have to.
Pain is a cycle which amplifies itself as time goes on, it feeds upon itself.
When we feel pain in the body we analyze it.
If it something we have felt before and understand it to be benign, we forget about it or at least put it out of our direct consciousness....and we move on.
But, say we have a new pain...
we are unfamiliar and so we focus on it...
analyze it...
let our imagination consider the potential sources of that pain.
Is it cancer, an infection, an aneurysm?????
This attention or attachment to the pain amplifies it and makes it more acute. Most people would also tend toward tension when they have uncertain pain...tensing muscles without being aware of it...causing spasm and more pain...and the cycle builds upon itself until the pain has indeed created suffering in our life. One of the keys to the treatment of pain is to break the cycle with relaxation techniques that take the mind away from the pain...allow detachment from the pain...relief.
Does this make sense?
I could construct a similar scenario for anger, anxiety, depression, grief. It is our attachment to the negative that causes suffering. It is also possible to attach ourselves to a positive experience and cause suffering as well...such as the endorphin highs, eating disorders, plastic surgery...all meant to make us feel better but we cling to them and want even more.
This morning, as I was meditating, I felt led to open my email...a very strange leading I admit. I scrolled down to the bottom and found the series of emails shared between our family members that started this dialogue. As I read through them I became increasingly upset by the abrupt ending catalyzed by our youngest siblings' request to keep this all private and neat. I realized that I have been clinging to those email which have allowed me to re-read those exchanges and have repeatedly caused me anger and frustration...I have attached myself to them ad they are causing me suffering. Today I deleted all of them. No more looking back to hoard that anger and resentment. I will live on from this moment and make my life one without secrets and shame.
I will look people in the eye and say
I am a survivor...
no I am a thriver.
Me too!
I am preparing for my class which begins on Monday. I am looking forward to teaching again. I have heard nothing further from 2 of my interviews...so I will proceed as planned with university teaching until something opens up.
I love the dream...especially that you persevered despite it being so physically arduous. You clawed and crawled your way to the summit even though others were walking and passing you by. You were humbled but not shamed...you made the journey. In spite of that you arrived at the same place that all of the others did, by a different route.
I love the Eiffel Tower in your dream...even though I was afraid to go to the top when I was visiting Paris...maybe next time.
I love you...
Blessings,
Maggie
Take the example of physical pain. Pain can lead to significant suffering, but it doesn't have to.
Pain is a cycle which amplifies itself as time goes on, it feeds upon itself.
When we feel pain in the body we analyze it.
If it something we have felt before and understand it to be benign, we forget about it or at least put it out of our direct consciousness....and we move on.
But, say we have a new pain...
we are unfamiliar and so we focus on it...
analyze it...
let our imagination consider the potential sources of that pain.
Is it cancer, an infection, an aneurysm?????
This attention or attachment to the pain amplifies it and makes it more acute. Most people would also tend toward tension when they have uncertain pain...tensing muscles without being aware of it...causing spasm and more pain...and the cycle builds upon itself until the pain has indeed created suffering in our life. One of the keys to the treatment of pain is to break the cycle with relaxation techniques that take the mind away from the pain...allow detachment from the pain...relief.
Does this make sense?
I could construct a similar scenario for anger, anxiety, depression, grief. It is our attachment to the negative that causes suffering. It is also possible to attach ourselves to a positive experience and cause suffering as well...such as the endorphin highs, eating disorders, plastic surgery...all meant to make us feel better but we cling to them and want even more.
This morning, as I was meditating, I felt led to open my email...a very strange leading I admit. I scrolled down to the bottom and found the series of emails shared between our family members that started this dialogue. As I read through them I became increasingly upset by the abrupt ending catalyzed by our youngest siblings' request to keep this all private and neat. I realized that I have been clinging to those email which have allowed me to re-read those exchanges and have repeatedly caused me anger and frustration...I have attached myself to them ad they are causing me suffering. Today I deleted all of them. No more looking back to hoard that anger and resentment. I will live on from this moment and make my life one without secrets and shame.
I will look people in the eye and say
I am a survivor...
no I am a thriver.
Me too!
I am preparing for my class which begins on Monday. I am looking forward to teaching again. I have heard nothing further from 2 of my interviews...so I will proceed as planned with university teaching until something opens up.
I love the dream...especially that you persevered despite it being so physically arduous. You clawed and crawled your way to the summit even though others were walking and passing you by. You were humbled but not shamed...you made the journey. In spite of that you arrived at the same place that all of the others did, by a different route.
I love the Eiffel Tower in your dream...even though I was afraid to go to the top when I was visiting Paris...maybe next time.
I love you...
Blessings,
Maggie
struggling upwards
I am going to have to think about suffering. Do you remember when we were children, sometimes when we would complain Mom would tell us to offer it up? I always thought she was asking us to give our suffering to God, to make it/us holier, somehow. Which leads me to think of all the Catholic celebration of Christ's suffering on the cross. We have been enculturated to believe that suffering makes us better humans, more godly. So you say I can feel grief without suffering, and I just can't imagine it. Suddenly, I am having a really hard time defining suffering.
Okay, recently my dog died. That was painful. The whole process of letting her go was painful. Did I suffer?
Hmmmmm.......
And you pose an important question...Why are family secrets so valuable to our family?
They are worth destroying lives and relationships over...
but why do they hold so much power and authority over our lives?
Okay, recently my dog died. That was painful. The whole process of letting her go was painful. Did I suffer?
Hmmmmm.......
And you pose an important question...Why are family secrets so valuable to our family?
They are worth destroying lives and relationships over...
but why do they hold so much power and authority over our lives?
Why is it so important? My first thought is shame. We keep secrets because we are ashamed of ourselves and ashamed of our family. We don't want anyone outside the family to know we are not the bright, upstanding family we think we appear to be!
But also shame - because there must be something terribly wrong with me, I am inherently flawed - I must be unlovable. If I show the world I am unlovable, no one will love me. Right now we think we are passing for okay.
Also, we don't know how to fix it. Nobody has done it. Look at our family, our extended family...can you identify a healthy branch of us? Just like trying to think of anyone in recovery, there are no healthy family dynamics to mimic.
The last thought that comes to mind is that once we realize what a mess our family is, we are adults. We have to go back and discover what happened to us. That is not fun. Then we have to look at what we have done to others. That is almost worse. There's too much pain. It doesn't seem bearable. But we do survive, even though it doesn't seem that we should.
I wanted to share a dream I had. It seemed to have a message.
I think it started in France. I was at the very top of the Eiffel Tower, and I could see the world, including our Appalachian Mountains. But then I was here in the US, climbing a mountain. There were a lot of people climbing as well as milling around at the base of the mountain. I had a really hard time climbing. I ended up climbing on my stomach, and pushing with my legs as I pulled with my hands. Other people around me were still climbing upright, but I didn't have the strength. I pulled and worked, and my head cleared the summit. I was holding onto the crest and scanning the world from way up high - and I saw the top of the Eiffel Tower. I had such a beautiful sense of connection. I looked around and realized that my youngest daughter had also climbed the mountain, and was standing on the crest with other people, and a friend of ours was also there, holding the baby up in the sky. I recognized the friend, knew who it was, but could no longer identify them when I awoke. I never stood up, I just clung to the mountain and looked at everything. I also said, "Be careful with that baby."
Then I looked down the impossibly steep slope and wondered how I was going to get down. I turned around, sitting on my butt like a sled, and I was down - it was smooth and quick and amazing. I joined the people milling around at the bottom, then woke up.
I have never prayed for a dark night of the soul. You are courageous!
I love you,
Clare
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Secrets that define us...
I was actually trying to identify someone that I know who has been through recovery...I couldn't.
Especially when it comes to our family members.
We are a tremendously talented group of deniers...
and repressors....
but it seems that we would rather die with our secrets and addictions than live free of those secrets.
Why are family secrets so valuable to our family?
They are worth destroying lives and relationships over...
but why do they hold so much power and authority over our lives?
They define us.
They solidify our purpose.
They offer a common goal.
They offer something to be cohesive to.
They create a sense of ourselves...even though it is a false sense.
They give us something to protect and nurture...because we don't do that with each other.
They are a path to something much greater...
a path to freedom and enlightenment if only we have the eyes to see it and the courage to pursue it.
But that path requires a reversal of thinking and the opening of honest communication.
It's the path of Me Too...break the silence, break the cycle.
It's the Dark Night of the Soul that has intrigued me for the past 10 years or so. I prayed for a Dark Night and I am living through one...
the frustration...
the depression...
the separation...
the isolation...
I believe that I am coming out of the worst of it, but there is no guarantee. I just have to wait and live through what comes into my life.
I have come to realize that there is an opportunity hidden in the pain and dysfunction. The opportunity to overcome all of those circumstances and rise above what is expected. I am not saying that we should suffer. But we choose to hold onto suffering and prolong its effects on our lives. We can feel pain and not suffer. We can feel grief and not suffer. We can feel anger and not suffer. Suffering is attachment to the pain, grief and anger.
You speak of the joy that you feel in the relationship with your granddaughter and daughter. Without the sadness, grief, and other negative emotions you would not be capable of feeling joy. Brene Brown talks of numbing emotions and says, very wisely, you can't numb one without all of them being numbed. Tears are the vehicle for your being able to feel the joy and happiness of being with your family.
I wish that others could see the value in the journey...
but fear is paralyzing...
especially fear of the unknown.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Especially when it comes to our family members.
We are a tremendously talented group of deniers...
and repressors....
but it seems that we would rather die with our secrets and addictions than live free of those secrets.
Why are family secrets so valuable to our family?
They are worth destroying lives and relationships over...
but why do they hold so much power and authority over our lives?
They define us.
They solidify our purpose.
They offer a common goal.
They offer something to be cohesive to.
They create a sense of ourselves...even though it is a false sense.
They give us something to protect and nurture...because we don't do that with each other.
They are a path to something much greater...
a path to freedom and enlightenment if only we have the eyes to see it and the courage to pursue it.
But that path requires a reversal of thinking and the opening of honest communication.
It's the path of Me Too...break the silence, break the cycle.
It's the Dark Night of the Soul that has intrigued me for the past 10 years or so. I prayed for a Dark Night and I am living through one...
the frustration...
the depression...
the separation...
the isolation...
I believe that I am coming out of the worst of it, but there is no guarantee. I just have to wait and live through what comes into my life.
I have come to realize that there is an opportunity hidden in the pain and dysfunction. The opportunity to overcome all of those circumstances and rise above what is expected. I am not saying that we should suffer. But we choose to hold onto suffering and prolong its effects on our lives. We can feel pain and not suffer. We can feel grief and not suffer. We can feel anger and not suffer. Suffering is attachment to the pain, grief and anger.
You speak of the joy that you feel in the relationship with your granddaughter and daughter. Without the sadness, grief, and other negative emotions you would not be capable of feeling joy. Brene Brown talks of numbing emotions and says, very wisely, you can't numb one without all of them being numbed. Tears are the vehicle for your being able to feel the joy and happiness of being with your family.
I wish that others could see the value in the journey...
but fear is paralyzing...
especially fear of the unknown.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, August 19, 2013
slippery slopes...up and down
I'm trying to think of someone, anyone, in recovery in our family...Nope - there's no one. I learned at Al Anon that if one stops drinking, but does not go through the process of healing, of reclaiming one's soul, one is simply a dry drunk. I see it in B#1 who no longer does hard drugs and alcohol, but uses religion as a numbing agent. I see it in Dad. He told me that he hasn't had a drink since 1992. That's great, but there's still so much pain and anger that comes out - it's just mean. We have lots of stories of decent, none of resurrection. At least with alcohol. Or am I being blind and judgmental?
Maybe part of the issue you need to address with your son is lying. I always asked my kids if this was who they wanted to be. Do you want to be a liar? His desperation to have his numbing agent, or perhaps his desperation to be cool and accepted, has led him to choose lying. Because the choices you make determine who you are. The image we have of ourselves is nothing...our behavior is everything. His friends need to think about who they are, also. Are these the older friends? (My kids hated it when I did this to them...it can be harsh, but sometimes it seemed necessary...)
It is a slippery slope into addictions. Once we start the slide, we have to hit bottom before we climb back out. We have to lose everything to become aware that we didn't want to lose it, that it was more valuable than being numb. It is amazing how much people will let go before they hit bottom. Some of us never hit bottom, and slide down into slow motion suicide.
I think I have been working on my question of who am I without all the damaged bits. I spent the weekend recognizing a calm and loving, very open and nonjudgmental person who loves all. But I recognized I am not capable of accepting love. And so I felt sad for about two days. Every time I was alone, I cried. I still feel sad...
I thought about my former rages. I would have this pressure and pain build up inside of me. I would scream and carry on and it would release, temporarily. But I didn't feel better. I felt exhausted and ashamed. Then it would build again. I was trapped in a vicious cycle. The changes, the steps away, the healing began with Al Anon, but RC - crying so many tears during peer counseling sessions were the big step. Learning to cry was my salvation...well, one step of it anyway. I am not close to healthy. I still have so much work to do...
So crying now...I'm releasing something, but I'm not sure what it is. But I felt true, deep sadness like I have never felt before. So I think I excavated something important.
And so life goes on in it's tedious, tiring fashion, and I am looking for joy. Okay, so that's a little maudlin - there is joy in the connection I am developing with my daughter and her daughter. The baby is completely relaxed and comfortable with me. I am loving my time with her. She is a gift. Especially since S#2's partner has begun to work full time and misses her kids and wants them with her on weekends. Before, she was happy for a break and I saw them a lot. I am missing them a lot - a whole lot!! We'll have to work on that...I'm sure there's a way...
So, I miss you. I'm glad you had a relatively nice trip to the beach. Did I say I miss you??
Love you, too!
Clare
Maybe part of the issue you need to address with your son is lying. I always asked my kids if this was who they wanted to be. Do you want to be a liar? His desperation to have his numbing agent, or perhaps his desperation to be cool and accepted, has led him to choose lying. Because the choices you make determine who you are. The image we have of ourselves is nothing...our behavior is everything. His friends need to think about who they are, also. Are these the older friends? (My kids hated it when I did this to them...it can be harsh, but sometimes it seemed necessary...)
It is a slippery slope into addictions. Once we start the slide, we have to hit bottom before we climb back out. We have to lose everything to become aware that we didn't want to lose it, that it was more valuable than being numb. It is amazing how much people will let go before they hit bottom. Some of us never hit bottom, and slide down into slow motion suicide.
I think I have been working on my question of who am I without all the damaged bits. I spent the weekend recognizing a calm and loving, very open and nonjudgmental person who loves all. But I recognized I am not capable of accepting love. And so I felt sad for about two days. Every time I was alone, I cried. I still feel sad...
I thought about my former rages. I would have this pressure and pain build up inside of me. I would scream and carry on and it would release, temporarily. But I didn't feel better. I felt exhausted and ashamed. Then it would build again. I was trapped in a vicious cycle. The changes, the steps away, the healing began with Al Anon, but RC - crying so many tears during peer counseling sessions were the big step. Learning to cry was my salvation...well, one step of it anyway. I am not close to healthy. I still have so much work to do...
So crying now...I'm releasing something, but I'm not sure what it is. But I felt true, deep sadness like I have never felt before. So I think I excavated something important.
And so life goes on in it's tedious, tiring fashion, and I am looking for joy. Okay, so that's a little maudlin - there is joy in the connection I am developing with my daughter and her daughter. The baby is completely relaxed and comfortable with me. I am loving my time with her. She is a gift. Especially since S#2's partner has begun to work full time and misses her kids and wants them with her on weekends. Before, she was happy for a break and I saw them a lot. I am missing them a lot - a whole lot!! We'll have to work on that...I'm sure there's a way...
So, I miss you. I'm glad you had a relatively nice trip to the beach. Did I say I miss you??
Love you, too!
Clare
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Catching up
Hey Clare,
I survived a 13 hour trip home yesterday. It was rather uneventful, except that we stopped once for gas in NC and went to a gas station out of the 70's.
The pumps were so old, the numbers scrolled through as the gas flowed...
my kids were thrilled...
until they found the bathrooms that hadn't been cleaned since the 70's!
Oh well...makes for a good laugh in the future.
Just a quick catch-up note today. Hopefully tomorrow my brain will re-engage and I will have something meaningful to add.
We continue to have issues with substance use. S#1 took along 2 of his friends with us to the beach. Despite several discussions with them, they smoked and used medications in ways not recommended by the FDA. I am so frustrated with him. He asked for money to get ice cream and spent it on cigarettes and Nyquil. I don't know how to make him understand that each step makes it easier to use more and more dangerous substances. He can't see how chewing tobacco led to smoking which led to alcohol that led to pot and then to Nyquil which will continue on and on. It's like the old woman who swallowed the fly...
I have thought about asking B#4 to reach out and explain his experience with his sons, in hopes that he might see the pattern...but then I remember that he isn't really comfortable with me.
I wish that I knew someone in recovery who could talk with him...let him see how difficult the road is.
I am still waiting for employment. I have heard nothing from two of the positions that I've interviewed for. The other agency has invited me to be a program facilitator, acting as an independent contractor putting on their presentations. I am not thrilled, but it might be a foothold into the agency.
I am grateful for the time and space that this summer has given to me, but I feel as if I should be constructive. Don't worry, I remember your friend's prediction, I am reminding myself to be patient...and open to possibility.
I am glad that you are having some quiet time to enjoy the summer. I hope that your youngest granddaughter is comfortable again.
Love and Light...
Until tomorrow...
Maggie
I survived a 13 hour trip home yesterday. It was rather uneventful, except that we stopped once for gas in NC and went to a gas station out of the 70's.
The pumps were so old, the numbers scrolled through as the gas flowed...
my kids were thrilled...
until they found the bathrooms that hadn't been cleaned since the 70's!
Oh well...makes for a good laugh in the future.
Just a quick catch-up note today. Hopefully tomorrow my brain will re-engage and I will have something meaningful to add.
We continue to have issues with substance use. S#1 took along 2 of his friends with us to the beach. Despite several discussions with them, they smoked and used medications in ways not recommended by the FDA. I am so frustrated with him. He asked for money to get ice cream and spent it on cigarettes and Nyquil. I don't know how to make him understand that each step makes it easier to use more and more dangerous substances. He can't see how chewing tobacco led to smoking which led to alcohol that led to pot and then to Nyquil which will continue on and on. It's like the old woman who swallowed the fly...
I have thought about asking B#4 to reach out and explain his experience with his sons, in hopes that he might see the pattern...but then I remember that he isn't really comfortable with me.
I wish that I knew someone in recovery who could talk with him...let him see how difficult the road is.
I am still waiting for employment. I have heard nothing from two of the positions that I've interviewed for. The other agency has invited me to be a program facilitator, acting as an independent contractor putting on their presentations. I am not thrilled, but it might be a foothold into the agency.
I am grateful for the time and space that this summer has given to me, but I feel as if I should be constructive. Don't worry, I remember your friend's prediction, I am reminding myself to be patient...and open to possibility.
I am glad that you are having some quiet time to enjoy the summer. I hope that your youngest granddaughter is comfortable again.
Love and Light...
Until tomorrow...
Maggie
Friday, August 16, 2013
nothing exciting...
What is your go-to movie for tears? Mine is The Color Purple. At the end, when Ceili sees her sister for the first time, and starts to shake with joy, I lose it - every time. I think about the lack of control we have over our lives. We seem to be battered at the whim of others. Of course, then we become batterers - but it's almost subconscious because we have been battered into submission.
And in the end, all we want is the freedom to make connections, to be loved and valued.
I was under the impression that B#2 left because S#5's husband was leaving for six months. We need a better gossip transmission system in our family.
We are having a gorgeous late summer day. Some of the leaves are blushing, just a tiny bit. And the crickets are loud. Bittersweet. I love the slowness of August, but I know it means we are beginning to accelerate into autumn. I have been doing lots of laundry, because I love the smell of clothes dried in the sunshine, especially sheets. Sleeping on fresh sheets is one of the biggest pleasures in my life.
Not much going on here. I'm tired and so I am not having many dreams or time to go outside and consider life. My kids all seem content right now.
I suppose I should relax and enjoy this moment of life...and maybe take a nap! I did start taking some vitamins.
Love to you and yours...Clare
And in the end, all we want is the freedom to make connections, to be loved and valued.
I was under the impression that B#2 left because S#5's husband was leaving for six months. We need a better gossip transmission system in our family.
We are having a gorgeous late summer day. Some of the leaves are blushing, just a tiny bit. And the crickets are loud. Bittersweet. I love the slowness of August, but I know it means we are beginning to accelerate into autumn. I have been doing lots of laundry, because I love the smell of clothes dried in the sunshine, especially sheets. Sleeping on fresh sheets is one of the biggest pleasures in my life.
Not much going on here. I'm tired and so I am not having many dreams or time to go outside and consider life. My kids all seem content right now.
I suppose I should relax and enjoy this moment of life...and maybe take a nap! I did start taking some vitamins.
Love to you and yours...Clare
Thursday, August 15, 2013
tired, but relaxed
I hope that our parents adjust to their new surroundings...
I doubt we will hear any complaints though.
If, by chance, things don't go well for them it will be silently tolerated until one day they will just announce another move.
I doubt we will hear anything but sunshine and lollipops from S#5...
I never heard any problems when B#2 lived with her until Mom announced he moved to B#1's because he failed to find employment.
It is rainy and only 70 today. It began raining yesterday afternoon and seems to have finally stopped. I hope that it dries by tomorrow...we are scheduled to kayak through the marshes tomorrow.
Today I saw a crane and a deer. Rumor has it that people saw an alligator (Big Al) eat a big turtle yesterday...love this island.
I am tired, but relaxed. I am cooking dinner for everyone, all of the factions seem to be getting along today so hopefully we will have a good time.
I am thinking about the quote you shared. I wonder if I fail to cry because I haven't yet resigned myself to giving up. It's a much stronger statement than repression.
I sometimes will myself to cry...even to the point of renting sad movies...just to feel that release.
Maybe one day...
it will come spontaneously.
I am too tired to think today.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I doubt we will hear any complaints though.
If, by chance, things don't go well for them it will be silently tolerated until one day they will just announce another move.
I doubt we will hear anything but sunshine and lollipops from S#5...
I never heard any problems when B#2 lived with her until Mom announced he moved to B#1's because he failed to find employment.
It is rainy and only 70 today. It began raining yesterday afternoon and seems to have finally stopped. I hope that it dries by tomorrow...we are scheduled to kayak through the marshes tomorrow.
Today I saw a crane and a deer. Rumor has it that people saw an alligator (Big Al) eat a big turtle yesterday...love this island.
I am tired, but relaxed. I am cooking dinner for everyone, all of the factions seem to be getting along today so hopefully we will have a good time.
I am thinking about the quote you shared. I wonder if I fail to cry because I haven't yet resigned myself to giving up. It's a much stronger statement than repression.
I sometimes will myself to cry...even to the point of renting sad movies...just to feel that release.
Maybe one day...
it will come spontaneously.
I am too tired to think today.
Love and Light,
Maggie
two thoughts...
Tears are what happen when the brain shifts from a state of stress to a
state of recovery. They indicate that a child has moved out of
problem-solving mode (acknowledgement of a problem and desire to do
something about it) and into futility mode (acceptance of the problem
and the realization that he can't solve, fix or change it). It’s an
emotional release that occurs as the nervous system undergoes a shift
from sympathetic (stress/ fight-or-flight responses) to parasympathetic
(maintenance of the body at rest). Tears are a body’s route to recovery;
the return to a state of rest. -Kelly Bartlett
Two things made me think today. First is the quote above. I was especially thinking about you not crying, and thinking about the amount of stress you maintain. One more facet of vigilance!
Then, I had another thought yesterday, that I chewed on a lot last night.
Who am I? If we remove all the broken, bloodied, wounded bits, who am I? I am not sure, completely, but I know I am the quiet, loving, accepting eyes of mamahood.
As I considered this, I wondered who my oldest is. If we take away my harshness and my yelling and her alcoholic father's influence - who is she? Because although she is amazing, she struggles with depression and her own numbing techniques...she struggles with awareness which makes it all harder to live with...
Hope you're having fun!!
Clare
Two things made me think today. First is the quote above. I was especially thinking about you not crying, and thinking about the amount of stress you maintain. One more facet of vigilance!
Then, I had another thought yesterday, that I chewed on a lot last night.
Who am I? If we remove all the broken, bloodied, wounded bits, who am I? I am not sure, completely, but I know I am the quiet, loving, accepting eyes of mamahood.
As I considered this, I wondered who my oldest is. If we take away my harshness and my yelling and her alcoholic father's influence - who is she? Because although she is amazing, she struggles with depression and her own numbing techniques...she struggles with awareness which makes it all harder to live with...
Hope you're having fun!!
Clare
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
rings
I loved the image of the shell, and the widening influence one little entity can make. For me, the image has always been of a pebble dropping gently into a pond. I want to be like those ever widening rings of impact. They move out - calmly, rhythmically, reliably. I have often envisioned healing being like this.
I was thinking about the aunts clearing out all of grandma's stuff, and going back to what may be the sexism of our family - boys are more ignored and abused than girls. But I'm not sure that is right. I think the boys are abused and berated more openly. The girls are abused secretly and sexually. It gives the impression of protected the fragile flowers. And as I write I consider that the boys are psychologically and emotionally abused more publicly, but their sexual abuse is also done in the dark. We pretend that doesn't happen, I guess.
I have been wondering how Mom and Dad will do. I mean, they moved all the time when we were young. We all got good and just moving on, not really belonging. Mom's sister is moving south with her kids. Maybe that is what compelled Mom to go. I asked if she was going to play organ. She said no - she was ready to retire. She might join a quilting circle, though. She has always been a better joiner than Dad.
I was thinking they might feel comfortable because they are in a military community. Maybe Dad will feel at home. I can't imagine living in a small apartment with a small patio after living in a national forest. But maybe it will seem different to me in 25 years.
I have been thinking about judging others. I think it's hard not to judge. I think that by observing others, and deciding if their process is successful or not leads us to try or reject their ideas. We have to judge. But maybe it is the competition. We always have to be ranking ourselves, maybe that has leaked into our judgments, and has made it more violent than it should be - or than it has to be.
We keep having storms then sun. It is chilly today. I can't decide whether to hang laundry outside or not...
I love you, enjoy your week...
Clare
I was thinking about the aunts clearing out all of grandma's stuff, and going back to what may be the sexism of our family - boys are more ignored and abused than girls. But I'm not sure that is right. I think the boys are abused and berated more openly. The girls are abused secretly and sexually. It gives the impression of protected the fragile flowers. And as I write I consider that the boys are psychologically and emotionally abused more publicly, but their sexual abuse is also done in the dark. We pretend that doesn't happen, I guess.
I have been wondering how Mom and Dad will do. I mean, they moved all the time when we were young. We all got good and just moving on, not really belonging. Mom's sister is moving south with her kids. Maybe that is what compelled Mom to go. I asked if she was going to play organ. She said no - she was ready to retire. She might join a quilting circle, though. She has always been a better joiner than Dad.
I was thinking they might feel comfortable because they are in a military community. Maybe Dad will feel at home. I can't imagine living in a small apartment with a small patio after living in a national forest. But maybe it will seem different to me in 25 years.
I have been thinking about judging others. I think it's hard not to judge. I think that by observing others, and deciding if their process is successful or not leads us to try or reject their ideas. We have to judge. But maybe it is the competition. We always have to be ranking ourselves, maybe that has leaked into our judgments, and has made it more violent than it should be - or than it has to be.
We keep having storms then sun. It is chilly today. I can't decide whether to hang laundry outside or not...
I love you, enjoy your week...
Clare
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
One steadfast shell altered the flow of the wave...
I see your point on the judgmental aspect of our lives.
I guess I look at some of those things with a different perspective...
in my previous profession I was paid to observe, inquire, examine, create a list of possibilities and then choose the one that made the most sense. I got paid to do all of that, it was called diagnosis, which sounds a whole lot more positive than judgmental. I guess I have been fooling myself that my thoughts about others were based upon evidence...not assumptions.
I will have to be more aware of my thoughts and judgements.
I do believe that we judge ourselves most harshly.
For me it generally begins with the physical...especially when I am at the beach.
I compare my body size to those that I see...
on the beach, the trails, and around the island.
I am brutal to myself about my body and lack of will power to lose weight. I expect more of myself than to let myself eat and enjoy food. It really takes a lot of fun out of life. I feel healthy but am dissatisfied with the way that I look in clothes, particularly bathing suits.
I still can feel how badly it felt to be called "fat" at home so many years ago.
Perhaps we do call ourselves names and demean ourselves so that no one else has to do it for us...or because it is consistent with what others might say and that makes us right about something.
I found myself walking along the beach this afternoon trying to listen.
It is a windy day and the combination of wind and surf was quite loud.
I found myself looking at the patterns in the sand left by small shells that partially embedded themselves into the sand. The water left a V shaped area in the sand extending towards the ocean. I started to think about how one, small, steadfastly planted shell could alter the sand, even though the waves swirled around them. So, I can create an ever-expanding impact upon my world...just as we all can. We just have to risk taking a stand.
I am sorry for your daughter and granddaughter...teething is no fun. Everyone suffers.
I hope that is goes quickly for you.
Today I walked in a maritime forest, by a marsh, and on a beach.
Each had very distinct plants and sounds.
I watched pelicans, deer, sandpipers, and fox.
I still have not seen the alligators that are in the lagoons.
I love this island because of the variety it offers...and the lack of commercialization.
I also love the uncrowdedness and unhurriedness of it.
I have not seen the facebook posts from our youngest sibling, although husband told me she gushed about having her parents close by and in her life. I am happy for her, but am afraid that her expectations may be deflated living that close by. I am also afraid that our parents may have difficulty adjusting to a totally strange environment. I am amazed that they could just toss their "home" and move on like that. I have also seen many older people become quite disoriented when taken out of familiar surroundings and circumstances. I hope that they can adjust well.
I am being called back to the family...
Blessings,
Maggie
I guess I look at some of those things with a different perspective...
in my previous profession I was paid to observe, inquire, examine, create a list of possibilities and then choose the one that made the most sense. I got paid to do all of that, it was called diagnosis, which sounds a whole lot more positive than judgmental. I guess I have been fooling myself that my thoughts about others were based upon evidence...not assumptions.
I will have to be more aware of my thoughts and judgements.
I do believe that we judge ourselves most harshly.
For me it generally begins with the physical...especially when I am at the beach.
I compare my body size to those that I see...
on the beach, the trails, and around the island.
I am brutal to myself about my body and lack of will power to lose weight. I expect more of myself than to let myself eat and enjoy food. It really takes a lot of fun out of life. I feel healthy but am dissatisfied with the way that I look in clothes, particularly bathing suits.
I still can feel how badly it felt to be called "fat" at home so many years ago.
Perhaps we do call ourselves names and demean ourselves so that no one else has to do it for us...or because it is consistent with what others might say and that makes us right about something.
I found myself walking along the beach this afternoon trying to listen.
It is a windy day and the combination of wind and surf was quite loud.
I found myself looking at the patterns in the sand left by small shells that partially embedded themselves into the sand. The water left a V shaped area in the sand extending towards the ocean. I started to think about how one, small, steadfastly planted shell could alter the sand, even though the waves swirled around them. So, I can create an ever-expanding impact upon my world...just as we all can. We just have to risk taking a stand.
I am sorry for your daughter and granddaughter...teething is no fun. Everyone suffers.
I hope that is goes quickly for you.
Today I walked in a maritime forest, by a marsh, and on a beach.
Each had very distinct plants and sounds.
I watched pelicans, deer, sandpipers, and fox.
I still have not seen the alligators that are in the lagoons.
I love this island because of the variety it offers...and the lack of commercialization.
I also love the uncrowdedness and unhurriedness of it.
I have not seen the facebook posts from our youngest sibling, although husband told me she gushed about having her parents close by and in her life. I am happy for her, but am afraid that her expectations may be deflated living that close by. I am also afraid that our parents may have difficulty adjusting to a totally strange environment. I am amazed that they could just toss their "home" and move on like that. I have also seen many older people become quite disoriented when taken out of familiar surroundings and circumstances. I hope that they can adjust well.
I am being called back to the family...
Blessings,
Maggie
judging
We are judgmental. We judge how others mother, for instance. My mother-in-law was appalled at my extended breastfeeding. But once, she admitted that she had wanted to nurse her third and the doctor told her not to bother. Her criticism stemmed from regret, maybe, and the wish for me to do as she had done. I think if I had parented the way she did, it would have justified or normalized or somehow made it okay. Instead, I made her uncomfortable.
I judge others who bottle feed, even though I stop myself. My first reaction is always, "Poor baby." I don't say it. I hope I don't show it. Because my next reaction is always, "That mama loves her baby and is making the best choice for her family and her situation." But my instinctive, honest reaction is always judgmental.
We judge each other as we gossip and compare lives. By commenting on what someone else is doing, we gauge ourselves. But I agree, we are hardest on ourselves. I know that no one else is as vicious about me as I am. I am cruel and heartless about myself. I am writing this to try to understand it. Where does it come from? Maybe I am honoring my father by agreeing and amplifying my perceptions of his opinions. Maybe it's like after being raped...sometimes we agree to sexual encounters a little too readily to avoid being raped again. In effect we participate in our own future rapes - we have learned that we are not in charge of our own beings. Maybe. I like the way I hide behind "we" instead of saying "I". I continually participate in my own rape to save you all the trouble, to protect myself from being the victim again...I save you all the bother of villifying me by doing it first.
I had never considered this before...something new to chew on!
I will try to find some vitamins. And I have not been walking regularly since I broke my wrist. My hands swell, and it is uncomfortable. I do most of my walking on weekends, when I have the baby. I walk for hours to keep her lulled to sleep.
I also wonder about our youngest siblings' great memories of our idyllic childhood. I wonder how this latest breach will affect S#4. She is one of the good-memory sibs. I wonder about S#5 and her jumping in to save and serve the parents, and the comments she makes about being the one that gets to live close to them. Seems like she is trying to create a scenario to sort of match her childhood memories. Note, I am being just a tad judgmental, even though I asked my rhetorical questions with love..
I really enjoy reading Barbara Kingsolver. Did you see many meteors? You get a wish for each one! I spent one night last weekend at a friend's home in the hills, watching the meteor shower and listening to the bird migration. It was magical. It amazed me that there were flocks passing overhead that we could not see...not at all. But two bird experts who were with us could hear them and identify them - warblers, apparently. Then yesterday I spent the afternoon at the lake. It was my granddaughter's birthday. The kids found a cicada that was molting. By the time I got there, I could see the newly emerged iridescent insect with shimmery blue and green wings, and the empty shell. We watched as the chitin hardened and the newly formed cicada could walk up the tree. More magic. And the lake was like a mirror. Amazing.
The baby is teething and is grumpy and in pain. It's going to be a long few days for her mama...
Enjoy the ocean.
Love from Clare
I judge others who bottle feed, even though I stop myself. My first reaction is always, "Poor baby." I don't say it. I hope I don't show it. Because my next reaction is always, "That mama loves her baby and is making the best choice for her family and her situation." But my instinctive, honest reaction is always judgmental.
We judge each other as we gossip and compare lives. By commenting on what someone else is doing, we gauge ourselves. But I agree, we are hardest on ourselves. I know that no one else is as vicious about me as I am. I am cruel and heartless about myself. I am writing this to try to understand it. Where does it come from? Maybe I am honoring my father by agreeing and amplifying my perceptions of his opinions. Maybe it's like after being raped...sometimes we agree to sexual encounters a little too readily to avoid being raped again. In effect we participate in our own future rapes - we have learned that we are not in charge of our own beings. Maybe. I like the way I hide behind "we" instead of saying "I". I continually participate in my own rape to save you all the trouble, to protect myself from being the victim again...I save you all the bother of villifying me by doing it first.
I had never considered this before...something new to chew on!
I will try to find some vitamins. And I have not been walking regularly since I broke my wrist. My hands swell, and it is uncomfortable. I do most of my walking on weekends, when I have the baby. I walk for hours to keep her lulled to sleep.
I also wonder about our youngest siblings' great memories of our idyllic childhood. I wonder how this latest breach will affect S#4. She is one of the good-memory sibs. I wonder about S#5 and her jumping in to save and serve the parents, and the comments she makes about being the one that gets to live close to them. Seems like she is trying to create a scenario to sort of match her childhood memories. Note, I am being just a tad judgmental, even though I asked my rhetorical questions with love..
I really enjoy reading Barbara Kingsolver. Did you see many meteors? You get a wish for each one! I spent one night last weekend at a friend's home in the hills, watching the meteor shower and listening to the bird migration. It was magical. It amazed me that there were flocks passing overhead that we could not see...not at all. But two bird experts who were with us could hear them and identify them - warblers, apparently. Then yesterday I spent the afternoon at the lake. It was my granddaughter's birthday. The kids found a cicada that was molting. By the time I got there, I could see the newly emerged iridescent insect with shimmery blue and green wings, and the empty shell. We watched as the chitin hardened and the newly formed cicada could walk up the tree. More magic. And the lake was like a mirror. Amazing.
The baby is teething and is grumpy and in pain. It's going to be a long few days for her mama...
Enjoy the ocean.
Love from Clare
Monday, August 12, 2013
"Old tapes"
The hole in us makes us less humane, somehow, more judgmental.
But to whom are we judgmental?
To ourselves...most definitely.
To our children...I don't think so.
To our siblings and parents...it depends upon their relationship to us...and even that is dynamic.
We are our own worst enemy...we pick at every nuance of our internal and external life...without mercy.
And yet I try very hard to not judge others...at least I try.
I am ready to believe the worst about myself...but give others the benefit of the doubt.
I have read...
Living in the past causes depression.
Living in the future causes anxiety.
Live in the present.
Obviously that is too simplistic, but there is some truth in the saying.
When we continually replay the "old tapes" in our head we actually solidify those neurologic pathways that cause the reactions that we have...
I'm so stupid...dumb...fat...etc.
It is a survival technique meant to teach us to avoid dangerous, threatening situations. If we come face to face with a tiger and survive we replay that scenario over and over to teach us how to survive future encounters. Well that same neurophysiologic reaction happens whenever we feel threatened...even if its psychological. So when we are shamed, mortified, embarrassed we replay the scenario over and over to help us survive something similar in the future. I think the key to this is to stop the "tape"...become aware of it...and give it a new outcome or solution...standing up for ourselves...not freezing...and envision a positive outcome.
Anyway, being trapped in our old patterns does make us more prone to depression.
A few suggestions...
Have you tried vitamin B6 supplement? It is a precursor of seratonin and can be helpful for depression.
Also try to get regular aerobic exercise, like walking.
I don't want to get stuck on this theme, but I am thinking about how Grandma and Pop tagged things in their attic to be given to family members...and Dad's sisters went and took what they wanted without regard for their parents' wishes...I guess it goes both ways...equal opportunity broken promises and disrespect.
I hope that S#3 and S#4 can get over their disappointment and hurt. I am sure that they are taking this all personally, but the reality is that there is no personal...
the parents cared more about their move and making it easy than they did about anyone else's needs/feelings.
I remember a time when I thought they really cared about my wellbeing...
and then I realized that I was ignorable, disposable, not always convenient.
I often wonder how our youngest siblings were able to have such different childhood memories...
or do they also rewrite the memories to make them more acceptable?
I am not sure which is true.
I have been reading a Barbara Kingsolver novel and have not taken time to listen...
Thanks for the reminder.
Tonight is a meteor shower...I am going to sit out on the deck with a glass of wine and enjoy the show.
Blessing,
Maggie
But to whom are we judgmental?
To ourselves...most definitely.
To our children...I don't think so.
To our siblings and parents...it depends upon their relationship to us...and even that is dynamic.
We are our own worst enemy...we pick at every nuance of our internal and external life...without mercy.
And yet I try very hard to not judge others...at least I try.
I am ready to believe the worst about myself...but give others the benefit of the doubt.
I have read...
Living in the past causes depression.
Living in the future causes anxiety.
Live in the present.
Obviously that is too simplistic, but there is some truth in the saying.
When we continually replay the "old tapes" in our head we actually solidify those neurologic pathways that cause the reactions that we have...
I'm so stupid...dumb...fat...etc.
It is a survival technique meant to teach us to avoid dangerous, threatening situations. If we come face to face with a tiger and survive we replay that scenario over and over to teach us how to survive future encounters. Well that same neurophysiologic reaction happens whenever we feel threatened...even if its psychological. So when we are shamed, mortified, embarrassed we replay the scenario over and over to help us survive something similar in the future. I think the key to this is to stop the "tape"...become aware of it...and give it a new outcome or solution...standing up for ourselves...not freezing...and envision a positive outcome.
Anyway, being trapped in our old patterns does make us more prone to depression.
A few suggestions...
Have you tried vitamin B6 supplement? It is a precursor of seratonin and can be helpful for depression.
Also try to get regular aerobic exercise, like walking.
I don't want to get stuck on this theme, but I am thinking about how Grandma and Pop tagged things in their attic to be given to family members...and Dad's sisters went and took what they wanted without regard for their parents' wishes...I guess it goes both ways...equal opportunity broken promises and disrespect.
I hope that S#3 and S#4 can get over their disappointment and hurt. I am sure that they are taking this all personally, but the reality is that there is no personal...
the parents cared more about their move and making it easy than they did about anyone else's needs/feelings.
I remember a time when I thought they really cared about my wellbeing...
and then I realized that I was ignorable, disposable, not always convenient.
I often wonder how our youngest siblings were able to have such different childhood memories...
or do they also rewrite the memories to make them more acceptable?
I am not sure which is true.
I have been reading a Barbara Kingsolver novel and have not taken time to listen...
Thanks for the reminder.
Tonight is a meteor shower...I am going to sit out on the deck with a glass of wine and enjoy the show.
Blessing,
Maggie
Sunday, August 11, 2013
still whining, a bit
Yes, we should thrive. I absolutely agree. But I am not thriving, and neither are my children.
But they are doing a bit better than I am. We all struggle with the depression thing, which I know comes from abuse. I know it changes our brain biochemistry.
I am struggling with a depression this week. I am crying easily, about everything. I know tears are good and cleansing. But I am getting tired of myself.
Bottom line is that I am so tired. I am so very tired and there is no end in sight. I feel trapped.
Sorry, I'm done complaining...
Because S#3 was in the cast for her hips, she may have been molested before you. You might want to work that possibility into your considerations. That might help you step out of the guilt you assumed. I would also ask you to consider - what kind of power did you have over a group of older boys. You could not fight them physically. And who could you have told. There were no safe adults in our neighborhood.
I talked to S#3. She told me that S#4 did not get the things she wanted, either. Her husband was frantically trying to make arrangements and negotiating with Dad when Dad announced - it was all gone. He gave it all away. So she is hurt. And angry. As S#3 says, it's only stuff, but the meanness makes everything so typical of our parent.
So Dad had untrustworthy parents, dishonest parents who stole from their children. I had never heard that story. Why, when we choose to have children, we accept the responsibility for them, why do we think they owe us? That is so twisted. At least Dad just told us to get out. He didn't expect repayment for allowing us to live! I guess he was a healthier parent!
I honor you for standing up for your daughter and making sure she could nurse. I remember you calling me, back then, and wishing I lived close enough to be her wet-nurse. I would have done that if we hadn't have moved so far away. She would have been a breast-twin with my youngest!! I took a lot of flak also, for extended nursing, cosleeping, not letting them cry. I think that attachment parenting hits deep in our soul, to that wounded place where we needed to be held, to be listened to, to be mothered as if we were important. The hole in us makes us less humane, somehow, more judgmental.
I'll be thinking about this. I'm tired, and I have a few things to do before bed...
Have fun with the ocean. Listen for the message!!
Love you, Clarre
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