Victim - Rescuer - Perpetrator

I have had a dear friend for years that used to live nearby, who moved back to Europe, and is now back living in the greater neighborhood.  We talked for a long time tonight, and I described what you and I are doing here, together.

She said that she has been reading a book about transformation, and the key is to be totally honest and open while looking at yourself and what happened.  She said we are doing the work, and commended us.  I love talking to her, because she looks at me and my kids and sees health and groundedness.  She reminds me to enjoy them as much as worry about them.

I mentioned your repeating theme of trinities, and she mentioned another that she has been learning about in a course she has been working on.  In response to my story of B#2's suicide attempt and family response, she pointed out that we each play the roles of victim, rescuer, perpetrator.  What was amazing was when she talked about how we slide from one through the other.  I could see it.  I have done it.

I like being the victim.  I used to write a column about life with kids.  Once one of my sons was throwing rocks into the air in a group of children.  Not malicious, but definitely not bright.  A little girl was clonked on the forehead.  I was the parent of the bad one.  I wrote a column about how much easier it was to be the parent of the victim - to share their victimhood.  To accept apologies and sympathy as opposed to groveling for forgiveness and not being the mom of the wild kids...

But I have recognized myself as rescuer.  Then I expect praise and glory for time immemorial.  When I don't get it. I know I use martyr to do my perpetrator act.  If  I can exasperate you, and make you react then I am comfortably back into victim - sigh of relief, St. Clare in in the house!

It was kind of fun to sit back and trace the way we and our sibs passed through the cycle when we have a family drama.  Since my rescues are a bit ineffective, I mostly get to play alone in the victim-pool!  Actually, I may be out and just be sunning myself nearby these days.

Sleep well.  I'll talk to you tomorrow.  With love from Clare.