Great day

Thanks for sharing that link.
That performance was inspiring.
I love it when someone rises above those negative voices that they've heard all of their lives...
and dares to try.

I would also love to have a true opportunity to openly discuss all of our experiences with the whole family and have each see their own trinity...
how each of us played each of the roles of victim...rescuer...abuser...in turn...
we all could finally see that we are not bad...
we did the best we could under the circumstances...
but, more importantly, we could finally acknowledge the pain and shame...
our big Me Too moment.
I have thought that it might happen following the funeral of our father...
I feel as if his hold and control are too strong to confront or feel safe enough to confide...
if that is true, how sad it is that a chance for connection will be postponed until it won't include one of the key components.
Maybe it will never happen and we will continue the silence and pretend to be normal and well adjusted...at least until the next suicide attempt or similar crisis.
Sorry I am being very negative today.

I got a facebook message from S#5 yesterday....saying she woke up thinking about me and that when I am ready to reconnect she is open to that.

This has me feeling angry and frustrated...

I was not the one who disconnected.
I was the one who shared my secrets and disclosed not only the abuse that I experienced, but the depression and resultant behaviors from those experiences.
I was the one ostracized...no one has reached out to me but you...
and Mom...who doesn't know what to say...but at least she tries.
I honestly want to be sarcastic and reply that she is the one disconnected...part of me wants to ignore the post...it was a facebook message...how incredibly personal.
I am trying to remember the book that talked about reconnecting...with boundaries set by me.
I am not good at maintaining boundaries...I am easily sucked in.
I obviously need to give this more time to settle and think it through.
Any insight?

What a fabulous day.
I spent my day working in the yard, surrounded by my family.
We planted 7 trees today (husband did most of them).
The first is a large maple...I was digging the hole and could sit in it with my legs slightly flexed and the ground was above my shoulders. I like the tree. It sat next to the hole as I finished digging and I thought about what a tree "thinks" as it's being transplanted. Anyway, the tree dropped one multicolored leaf into the hole...I took that as a sign that it was ready to be planted in that location.
I also transplanted a rhododendron from a shady spot into full sun...it was stretching it's branches out to the sun and was so lopsided. I put 6 hostas in its place.
Then I mowed the lawn.
The boys both had friends stop by and just hang out.
Daughter #2 came home for the afternoon and we made dinner together.
It was a great day.

I was reading an assignment yesterday and they wrote about therapists playing through the cycle of victim...rescuer...abuser...
synchronicity is amazing.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie