Meet you in the heart chakra!!

Reading about the Borderline Personality led me to wonder if there is a passive face and an aggressive face.  I certainly do not intrude myself into other's lives, but I have welcomed intrusion.  There's that duality of life again.  I have been drawn into drama, and enjoyed the angst that separates me from facing my own reality - all those demons chewing on my entrails, challenging me to find the limit of the pain I can tolerate.  Too bad we live in a culture that rewards us for bearing a lot of pain.  I think I have moved past the worse of it...

...But I worry about it.  I had a deep conversation with a man about his abusive childhood.  I could feel my heart opening, not in sympathy, not in Me, too, but in: I could save you!  I recognized the pattern, though, and backed off.  I am learning, but I am still worried about myself...

When I was married, people frequently said,  "Oh, you are so strong!"  I was praised for my endurance.  Was I just being a good girl by being quiet and smiling, not letting anyone see me slip...but unfortunately, never letting anyone see me smile, either - because I didn't!

Sometimes I think I am a cactus.  I am all prickly on the outside.  You can't get close to me because I'll poke you.  I just wish people knew I was soft and refreshing and giving and life-sustaining on the inside.  If I go with this, though, someone has to take a slice of me to get to the center...so I think I'll stop being a cactus!!

We need to create a safe place, a place where we are seen and recognized and honored and welcomed.  Once I am safe, I will ask for help, and I will know when to put my hand out to support you...covalescently.

I like the idea of covalence, of sharing electrons and becoming something new.  The more I think about it, the more I like it!

When I wrote the lament post yesterday, part of me was berating myself for whining.  But another part of me remembered birthing.  We take two steps forward, one step back.  Slowly, we make progress, and there is something new - a whole new creation.  We are rebirthing ourselves, in a way.  Another realization was that I take the logic that we offer each other and understand, but it doesn't completely reformat my thinking patterns.  I need those moments of sorrow and feeling lost or bereft.  The emotion takes the logic and makes it real.

So I will continue crying and whining and being a little out of control - a little wild - knowing I will come back to balance...and I will meet you in the heart chakra!!

Passionately,

Clare

I will be at a Quaker retreat all day tomorrow.  We are going to be thinking about our leadings.  I expect to have a lot to share, if I can organize my thoughts...we'll see!