The Silence Is Ingrained Into Us

I thought the performance was inspiring because this young woman was naked before the world, unashamedly baring herself.  Usually when we are hurt, we pull on the bravado and pretend we are fine.  That's the tough exterior, the rugged individualism we have been taught to respect.  This young woman was not afraid to stand before the world, with tears in her eyes and say, "You had the power to hurt me, and you did.  You hurt me.  And I am in pain."  I always brush myself off and say I'm fine.

Hmmmmm...is it Dad's power and control that silences us?   If he is gone, will we speak our truths?  I am not sure.  I think silence is ingrained into who we are.    I mean, what could Dad do?  Kick us out, make us go home, refuse to talk to us for six years, threaten us, tell us how bad we are?  I think we could survive any of those punishments.  I think we have survived all of them.  I wonder if it will ever happen - will we speak as a family?  I think it is more likely to be minor breakthroughs between individuals that begin to influence and open the whole.

B#1 never responded to the note I sent him.  But I like to believe I am in his brain, niggling a bit, eroding his sense of numbed, it's-all-okay.  Maybe, possibly, it is nearing minor breakthrough.

We are all in pain.  We are all doing what we can to survive...

You are going to have to decide what to do about S#5.  I prefer to never ignore an attempt to connect.  But she is going to have to face having her memories of a happy childhood disrupted.  The smooth covers over our memories are hiding grossities beyond current comprehension.  It's in her, too.

I really don't know her well enough to know how she copes, what she remembers, what patterns she has brought with her from our childhood home.  I do get the sense that she is like my mother-in-law - make sure everything looks good.  But I don't know what affects her or moves her.  I know she is like us in that she gets very attached to her pets and takes joy in having them.

Think about your boundaries. And then let me know what you see.  I also struggle a lot with setting appropriate boundaries.  This could be healthy for both of us.

My day - I worked.  Then Son#2 brought me two grandchildren for the night.  We went for a walk, and stomped on each other's shadow's heads.  We wandered through the woods for a bit.  The neighbor gave them Jack-Be-Little pumpkins and gourds from his garden.  We ate dinner, got into jammies, then used my new toy - a hot air popcorn popper.  My little guy was so thrilled and excited, he screamed the whole time the machine was working.  He was laughing and carrying on about the popcorn.  He was so alive and so cute.

Now they are asleep.  And it's time for me to join them.  I agreed to work for a short time tomorrow.  So I need to settle in.

Goodnight Beloved