safe to be vulnerable

Clare,
Your writing makes me reconsider the history of my marriage.
I lived for years avoiding confrontation...
and so did my husband...
it was a quiet, repressed, pregnant calm...
but it was artificial.
Differences naturally occur...
confrontations happen, they don't have to be disrespectful, just an expression of who you are.
Without revealing your views and beliefs you maintain the status quo...
comfortably uncomfortable...
you maintain your own power...because you don't open yourself to scrutiny.
By opening yourself up...being vulnerable...you break the status quo...
you can appreciate different perspectives...you grow.

The abuse and dysfunction we experienced did drive us to build a wall,
an impenetrable wall around our vulnerability...
our true self...
that wall allowed us to survive...and continue...even if we weren't fully alive.
But the wall is no longer necessary for survival...
we are safe...safe enough to become fully integrated...fully alive.

That lack of vulnerability and trust was the breakpoint of my marriage.
Neither of us trusted the other with our feelings and thoughts.
I was afraid of being exposed, scrutinized and rejected because who would want someone else's garbage.
Who would want to live that?
I am still not sure why husband was so closed...
Anyway, despite it being very difficult, I have begun sharing my thoughts and beliefs...exposing myself and allowing myself to be vulnerable.
It is frightening as hell...but worth pushing through that panic and need to protect self at all cost.

I am so glad that your little dog is home. I saw my horses today. Thunder nuzzled my neck and hand while I sang to him. Rusty is wasting away...he is old, but happy and well cared for. He was so grateful to have his neck scratched...the little pleasures in life...I wish it were that simple for humans.
I am grateful to be spiraling...with you

To answer your question about the broken bone...
the only way for it to heal is to rebreak it and set it right.
Unfortunately, the callus that has formed over the fracture is much thicker than normal bone and it will take more force and cause more pain to rebreak...
but it is the only way.

Disclose...
cut the roots that you believe are life-giving, but in reality anchor you to unhappiness...
have courage, wholeheartedly and proceed...
Thought, Word, Action.

I Love you,
Maggie