Someone's gotta see what's under the rock...

Someone has to lead the way out from under the rock and behind the tree and from inside the cave!  I'm coming - slowly!

How did I feel when dancing?  Not self-conscious.  That may sound trivial, but it is huge.  In the past I have felt awkward and afraid to move.  This time my friend demonstrated the basic zydeco step, and I did it.  Not well, but who cares.  Then we were still there when someone began teaching the basic salsa step, so we did that for a little while.  I didn't sing along because I don't know any zydeco song lyrics, and many have no lyrics.  It's just music that encourages you to move.

I admired some of the dancers,. and some of the couples.  It shows a level of comfort in one's body I am not real familiar with.  I was most "in" my body when pregnant.  I was most physical.  Maybe that was when I was most wild.  And when I think about birthing - always out of hospital and without analgesics - maybe that was my Wild Woman!  I felt real and powerful.  So how do I incorporate that birthing self into my daily life...something to ponder.

And you are good - your words are why this daily sharing is so effective...So what did you mean when you said it has gotten too clean here? That you want to play in the mud. Is that your attempt at uncovering your wild woman?...Maybe it is.  Those words came from somewhere inside me.  I was thinking about the sterility of solitude.  I spend too much time alone - which is the source of serenity, but also of my hands-off detachment.  Can't get hands dirty when totally hands-off, now, can we?  I was expressing a desire to be more involved in life and with other people.  When I was sitting at the bar, observing and thinking - which again, does not make me uncomfortable - I was trying to imagine what I would enjoy doing with peers that didn't involve drinking in a place that is too loud to have a decent conversation.  Or an indecent one!

Mom's birthday is so far away, and so many things could happen before then, that I am not going to worry now.  I will know better what to do when we get closer.  I was remembering their fiftieth wedding anniversary when we were all instructed to show up at a hotel in...another state.  I was the only one who didn't show up.  I got the impression it would have been nice if I had been there, but I didn't get the impression that I was terribly missed. (So, now, eight years later, does it matter?  That's what will happen if you don't make it.)   Mom called me afterwards and gave me a lecture about asking for help.  But I hit a deer and destroyed the front end of my car.  I was on my way.  Geez!!

I really do think that the therapists are leading the way, but just barely.  And that is perfect.  The reason you have been able to identify the levels of resiliency is because we are ready to go.  It is time!!

Are we looking fear in the eye, or looking at the fear in our own eyes?

Love you, wise-one!

Clare