Expectations

So nice that you are having a daughters weekend with your beautiful girls.  I am having a Friend's weekend.  I thought we were going to be exploring the idea of leadings and our own leadings today.  Instead what we were looking at was the state of meeting and the leadings we feel as a meeting.

What we feel is that we want to be connected with each other.  It was so deep and heart-filling to see that this longing I have to be a joined meeting - to be safe and connected - is shared by all of us.  We all want to be united in Spirit, at least during worship.

And one of the ways to do that is to be vulnerable with each other, to open our hearts and share.  Wasn't I just ripe for this?

We had to break into small groups - mine was three - and share an "Aha!" moment that changed our understanding.  My group-mates were two men I have known for about 15 years.  We were instructed to go for a walk and take turns talking.  No questions, no comments, just listening to each other.  After everyone shared, we could ask questions.  I decided to go for broke and talk about Grandma's haunting me and the breakthrough of understanding what happened to us.  We walked down to the lake, and as I spoke I was between the two of them - almost shoulder to shoulder as we walked.  And I felt safe.  It was so blessed to feel safe.

There was another moment that made an impact.  Someone asked why Friends used to have such profound experiences during meeting for worship, as compared to today when we seem to be lost and floundering.  And the answer was simple.  In the past, Friends expected to be changed by meeting.  Each time they entered into the silence they expected something that would change them.  And it occurred to me that that is what we are doing here.  We are struggling together, and expecting change.

Why do we hide?  The first thought that comes to mind is that because when we were innocent, forthright, inquisitive, gorgeous little girls we were told we were fat, ugly, a burden, so shut up and go away.  We learned very young that who we were was not loveable.  So we can't be that.  We'd rather pretend and be accepted than be authentic and be cold, isolated, abandoned.  The problem goes deeper because we didn't know what to do to be okay.  We didn't know how to act to be acceptable.  One day Dad loved us and laughed at us, the next, when we were acting the same, we were the cause of all evil in his life.  We were You damned kids.

I don't know if I understand ego well enough to know how much ego impacts our reactions.

Today we did an exercise of recognizing each other's gifts.  I was afraid that my list would be...nothing, words that don't mean much.  Instead I found that my meeting sees me as someone who speaks the truth and lives the truth.  I was relieved and touched.  Maybe they do see me...

Love to you all,

Happy Weekend!

Clare