You say healing is becoming more relational. I say healing is beginning to come from the heart. We are all losing our fear of opening our heart chakras and exposing who we are. We are beginning to understand that as humans, this is where we belong at this point in our spiritual evolution.
A friend was talking about the evolution of philosophy last night. Someone discovers a truth, someone else sees a chink and restates another aspect of that truth, a third coalesces the truths into something larger. We learn from each other, lead each other, inspire each other. And as a Friend of many years says, "We are all in the same river - just at different points."
Confoundedly, I think I am simultaneously graduating from level 1 to level 2 and level 2 to level 3 resiliency!
So...last night I danced in public. Just for a short while. And even though I am not a good dancer, I was not feeling shamed or embarrassed. I also spent quite a bit of time alone at the bar watching others dance. I was fine, comfortable, and not wishing I was dancing - but wishing I could take dance lessons. Really thinking about that leap forward where we go from knowing the steps to coordinating those steps with another person - agreeing to move together and knowing who has the lead. Lots of life parallels here.
I realized, though - and I knew this - so I realized once again that I am not a bar chick. So what do middle-aged single people do if not into the bar scene? No answers, but there does need to be one! It also signals a desire for more of a community of peers. More changes in me.
A friend and I went to listen to a zydeco band. Both her boyfriend and my neighbor are part of the band. After they were done making music, we - the three women, not the boyfriend - got caught in a deep discussion of relationships with alcoholic men. My neighbor is just leaving such a relationship, and so we discussed Al-Anon and why we are in pain and how we fall into the traps of trying to save them, yet lose ourselves in the process. I shared a lot of my insight and some of the work we are doing together. My neighbor said something to the effect of admiring what I have learned and how I behave. I do know I appear to be extremely serene all the time. I often hear about my strong, soothing, loving presence - even among Friends. But suddenly it seemed like the Buddha on the mountaintop, the sage people go to for answers. And it seemed wrong and lonely and like - how can Buddha know if all wisdom comes from detachment?
I have pulled myself together and created a calm place. But it's too clean here. I want to get dirty again. I want to play in the mud.
Two other things happened yesterday that have been stirring great emotions. A friend died, after a six year battle with cancer. She was so loving and joyous, it is hard to know that such a good person has gone.
Then I talked to Mom. She had been praying for my friend. Conversation drifted to her birthday party next year. There was some talk of moving it closer to "home". That fell through, so we are back to the B&B plan - the one in the mountains halfway between here and B#3. I checked the website and saw the price and knew my family couldn't afford it. Mom said this may be the first time all 9 of our generation could be together since her 60th birthday. I know that is important to her.
Knowing money was my issue, Mom said S#5 said (because that IS how our family operates...we don't actually talk to each other. We just send messages through the grapevine and wait for them to arrive at the right sib!)...S#5 said we each pay what we can and some will make up for the others. This is the same problem I have with the Quakers. When a plan is too expensive for some, we have to go ask for help...every single time. In my region, I know who we are. I can name the Friends who have to ask for aid. And it's humiliating. So lots of times I just say I am busy. I just don't go. And a Friend, who was mentioned earlier, has told me I just have to ask...but I always have to ask. and in our family, it's always me. I always have to ask. I hate it. I hate it so much. I work really long hours, doing a professional job. But I don't get paid much. So I give up or I continually ask for more.
Mom said she really wanted me to come, so please ask for help. And I told her I might just go crawl back under my rock. You know, I think Mom might be the only place where I feel safe enough to release my inner Drama Queen! And she laughed, but with sympathy, and said she hopes I don't so that.
What we may do is find a cheap place to camp nearby...maybe...if we can even get down there...
Sorry, I have gone from"I danced in public" to "I am going back under my rock." Feeling very emotional.
I hope you are having a great day. I have lots of options for my day...and the sun is shining!!
Love you, Clare
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