I'm baaaack!

Hi Love!

I'm here!  I got in yesterday afternoon, had lunch with my oldest, then had dinner with my sons and the grandkids.  It was so wonderful to see them. But I do miss the west coasters so much.  There was this ephemeral moment when I thought I could feel the softness of an infant's head in my palm, and I missed the baby so very much.  And I always miss the boy.

When I got home, I couldn't find my dog.  My oldest called her sister who has been housesitting.   There was a note explaining that the dog had been running off.  The dog is over 13, completely deaf, developing cataracts and just a bit senile.  I thought I was going to lose her once or twice before.  She took off on Sunday night and now I am afraid that she has gone off to die, as some animals do.  I looked for her yesterday afternoon.  I talked to all the neighbors. I was back out today, but there is no sign of a little spaniel anywhere.  The tears have not started yet, because I don't quite believe she is gone.  But my hope is wearing thin.

I have been through lots of emotions.  I am grateful for them all.

While I was visiting, I simply didn't have the time or freedom to write here as much as I wanted.  I hope the thoughts flow now, because there were times when I had a lot to share.

First, thank you for the book.  I have not finished it yet, but I have the first three quarters very marked up with highlighter!  And thank you for the ticket.  It was such a joy to be able to spend so much time with my son and his wife and the kids.  I miss them so much.  My grandson said he wished we could just buy one ginormous house for all the families to live in together.  Both his mom and I, and his aunt agreed when I shared it with her, that we would like one ginormous piece of land with houses close together.  I often fantasize about having all of my grandchildren spend one night a week with me so their parents can have a date night.  Or sleep in late. Or simply sleep a full night.

I was able to share a lot of our thoughts with kids on both coasts.  I always start by saying,  "Well, Maggie and I have been talking about this a lot, and..."  Or, "Ever since the suicide attempt, Maggie and I have been sharing..."  I have had a few moments of feeling like I am an evangelist for the newest religion - Vulnerability.  I haven't given any advice, mostly I have been sharing thoughts, allowing for the Me, too moment to develop.

I feel a lot more confident about the kids out west.  They know there are problems, and are finding creative ways to approach them.  Their ways are not things I would have thought of, but their ways are steps towards openness, which we knows opens way for vulnerability.  I did "witness" a lot, and they did listen. 

Being with them was a very good fit.  I remember feeling the same way the last time I visited.  I don't feel like a bother or an intruder.  And this is a little sad/weird to note, but they take better care of me than I do.  I am so used to taking care of everyone else, that I don't have time for me, nor do I make room for anyone else to do anything for me.  When I told my son what I noticed, he said he didn't know whether to be happy or sad.

When I was reading your post about things being exposed, and so they die, I thought immediately of secrets.  Once exposed, they cause a lot of drama, a lot of emotions, some rendering of relationships, but they lose their power and die.  Child abuse and especially sexual abuse can only thrive in secret.  Once exposed, it dies.  Abusers know they are doing something so absolutely inhumane that their own species will reject them if they see the truths.  And so there is death - of the abuse or of the abuser. 

Maybe instead of severing the root that causes unhappiness, we shine a light on it and look at the pain.  I suddenly had the image of the little girl covered in tar/blood locked in the box for so many years.  I don't completely understand the connection, but it makes my heart hurt - or feel some kind of discomfort, therefore I know I am alive. Yeah, there's something I still need to shine a light on with her.  I wonder when that will open...

I completely agree with your appraisal of the moving situation.  We do allow ourselves to vent the angriest, ugliest, most frightened pieces of self where we feel safest.  My daughter-in-law commented once that her child was so good for everyone else...and I finished by pointing out that he was only safe to be "bad" where he knew he was loved unconditionally.  Recently a friend of hers called, totally frustrated with her toddler...my daughter passed the love along - her toddler was safe with her.  I love this process.  I do hate the fact that we share the worst of ourselves with those we love the best.


When you bring forth that within you,
then that will save you.
If you do not,
then that will kill you.

Thought provoking.  I immediately thought of cancers - both physical and emotional.  I think of love that has to be shared to be real and alive. 

No matter what it is, it is going to take some real vulnerability.

Love, love, love!!!  C.