forward...

Hi Maggie,

I am glad you are home.  It sounds like you are centered. Being there helps make you strong.

This summer - I don't think either one of us thought we were going to become a couple.  Too many red flags.  And too much of being more like best friends.  All of this anger and meanness is actually a glorious temper tantrum.  There is too much to go into here, but we react differently.  I am expected to be submissive and do whatever I can to make sure he likes me.  It bothers me that the friendship is ending, because we have been talking for about 5 years.  And I appreciate his intelligence and his worldview.  We have had some amazing conversations.  But I would not want to be in love with this guy.  It would be painful.

So I have been stymied on the book...going in circles...not finding way.

Then as I was reading Smithsonian, I got a glimpse.  There is an article,  Theater of War. A man named Bryan Doerries is using the Greek tragedies to create an opening for vets and others to reach that emotional point where healing can begin.

He said,  "Through tragedy, the great Athenian poets were not articulating a pessimistic or fatalistic view of human experience; nor were they bent on filling audiences with despair.  Instead, they were giving voice to timeless human experiences - of suffering and of grief - that, when viewed by a large audience that had shared those experiences, fostered compassion, understanding, and a deeply felt interconnection. Through tragedy, the Greeks faced the darkness of human existence as a community."

I don't want to write about bad things that happened to us, look how screwed up we are.  I want to shine the light in the swamp. Maybe then we can see who all is in their with us, and all help each other out. And then, together, we can shine the light and make sure no one else gets pulled into the muck and believes they deserve to be there.

I saw a headline recently that said that lack of connection is the root of all addiction.  I want to create connection.

So what I am going to do is mine this blog.  I am going to copy/paste some of my writing into Dreams or Aha!  or whatever.  It may help me think about which way to go...

I love you.  I hope you are feeling better and maintaining better...

Love and hugs from Clare

sabotage

Clare,

I'm back from the island.
Before I left, I completed the 5 K that I organized for my work...
I had some great support on the day of the race...
but carried much of the organizational responsibilities myself.
I became ill the day of the race.
I slept 3.5 of the 6 days I was on the island.
I decided at one point that I needed to see a doctor...
but the clinic on the island closed- so I gutted it out.
I am fine...at least healing.

I am confused about your summer visitor.
Did he come over with expectations of becoming a couple?
What were his expectations?
What were yours?
Is he so cruel because you didn't reciprocate?
Humans are kind until they are hurt...
then they strike out at you.

I am trading water at work. I cannot keep up the pace that I've been maintaining since the spring. Part of me wants to go back to part-time...
I need time for me.
I miss walking, yoga, meditation, crafting, reading, playing.
I have a meeting with my board chair soon, I am trying to decide what I want from all of this.
My co-worker, former boss, makes the office very "prickly" when I get attention she used to receive. I hate walking on egg shells when her nose gets bent out of shape. I hate dramatics.
I also have not yet figured out how to assert myself as the "executive director" because she maintains the role- minus the administrative bull that goes along with it. I am her secretary as well as my own, do the office bills and banking, I am a 'wife'.
I need a wife.
Part of me wants to just quit...
I think that's a direct sabotage of some potentially good work...
but it is honest.

I am going to try to be more disciplined with my habits...
yoga, meditation, journaling, blogging...
most have gone by the wayside because of my puppy.
He has needed a lot of time and attention, particularly in the morning...
but he's getting less needed...
and it's getting darker and cold in the morning.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

endings

Hey Sister,

Hope  you had fun on the island. I hope you had a chance to breathe and watch sunsets and walk in the sand.

Life has been much the same here.  My friend who visited this summer and I have had a total breach, I think.  He decided I am abusive, sadistic, a pathological mom, I drove Dad and my ex away because I am so bad, and my closest friend doesn't really like me, she just sees me as a therapy case.  His cruelty has escalated because I would not get him the contact info for a woman he found attractive. I can't tell if he has hurt me or not, because I know he is way off base. And I feel exceedingly nothing.  But all that abuse has to be doing something to me.

I tried to call him on his cruelty and he told me I am a hypocrite.  And so I am done.  I don't need this drama in my life.

I feel good about my boundaries, and I feel extremely uninterested in making him like me.

But it has been hard.

I had a moment, though, where I was sitting at a table with him and a few others...in my imagination.  I guess we were between lives, and talking about our lessons from this life.  And he and I were laughing, as I congratulated him on how well he played mean during this lesson.  I was reminded again that we are playing roles, and learning our lessons.

I had a "dream" last night where a large man was behind me and tried to pull me inside his body.  That sounds strange. It was strange.  It was like he picked me up against his rib cage and popped me inside.  I popped myself back out, turned around and looked at him, and said, "That's not the way this is going to work.  We are going to dance."

And we did...not well at all...but we danced.

So what's up with you?

Love and hugs from Clare

need to breathe

Clare,
I am in a whirlwind of activity...
work...
home...
Meeting...
family...

I am in need of that calm, balanced place.

I am going to the island on Sunday...
just husband, the puppy, and me...
I am hoping for calm and quiet.
I need to re-group.

Hopefully I will have time to breathe and reflect.

I love you.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

transition

I have been trying to lie with the Earth in the middle of the night, to feel what is going on.

For awhile it felt like transition...one thing following the other, with no breaks in between...

Now it feels like that calm after transition.  Did you ever have that experience...being overpowered by wave after wave of contraction, feeling that surrender to being totally physical, nothing but sensation, and then...calm...nothing...just waiting...having a chance to center back down and breathe...

And then there is that urge to push. And nothing in the world can stop it...nothing...primal push...

Well, right now we are in that calm, centering moment.

And I am joyously terrified of what happens next...

Love and hugs from Clare

authenticity - joy - sorrow - shame...

Hi Maggie,

I didn't ditch and run.  I looked at those words quizzically, and walked away.  And perhaps that is the lesson.  It is better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship.

I think I passed that test!

The weekend was interesting.  I was tired, which affected my ability to think.  But we did an Experiment With Light on Friday night.  I felt like I was in the fog, fighting for answers, fighting for clarity.  I got a definite message.  "You know that thing you are afraid to do?  Well, you have to do it. There is a next step..."  I wondered about the next step, but no, that is not for now.

The next day was a lot of worship sharing, and so a lot of time was spent deep.  But instead of deep and clear, it was deep, and like I needed a shovel to get through.

So I approached this weekend wondering who my authentic self is.  I was thinking about moments of   bring truly who I am.

And someone quoted Joseph Campbell, I believe.  "All we need is sacred space, sacred time, and something joyous to do."

So joy.  Moments of joy are moments when I am authentic.

I said something to a committee member and she posed the query...Authenticity and joy.  And so someone else spoke about sorrow.

And I was back at that moment when I got word our sister-in-law had died.  And I keened. I never knew I could make a sound like that.  That was an absolutely authentic moment.  And it was rooted in sorrow.

I was in my mind trying to define joy. I couldn't.  I couldn't define sorrow very well either.  I got lost in that process of trying to define emotions.  And then I hit that place where I knew that the heart is the seat of emotions, and this all has something to do with evolving into the heart chakra.

Then someone else spoke, and brought out the idea of shame.  I knew I had to listen to Brene yet again...

So - authenticity - joy - sorrow - shame. I could not speak. I was lost in it all.

I think this was a searching weekend.  I think we were churning throiugh something new.  Clarity will come as long as we are faithful.

Similar to what you are planning...we are going to have a visioning session, with the new regional clerk - we are going to worshipfully see if we can get a sense of where the region is going.

I like your new idea. I have noticed that humans like novelty, but we really don't like change.

So, home, thinking, waiting for guests...and sending love


Love and hugs from Clare

ditch and run

Claire,
I'm not sure what exclusivity means...
in the context of relationship.
Of course they imply physical exclusivity, which is their way of ensuring you have no one to compare them with.
But do they also want your mind and soul too?
Do you have to be with them 100% of your time?
Are you allowed to see and enjoy your time with your children, friends, sisters?
What exactly does all of that mean?
I'd run away too.

A step-cousin of ours got married recently...
his fourth marriage...
he's my age.
I think he is living with serial monogamy...
like many.
Hang out until the tough stuff surfaces them ditch and run.

And a cousin of ours is dying from a metastatic tumor...
a life of abuse as a victim and a perpetrator...
Talk about ditching and running from the tough stuff.

What a fucked up world we live in.

I am clerking the planning committee for our spring retreat. I am changing the format and probably going to get push-back for it. We are doing 3panel with audience participation discussions on the topic of Quaker Obstacles and Opportunities...
past, present, and future.
No workshops.
We are doingbreakovut sessions between the past and present sessions.
I think we are going to discuss this through the lens of Equality.
I think it could be a rich opportunity to hear the wisdom of Quaker experiences and take the lessons with us as we tackle problems today.

I am interested in hearing about your discussion of authenticity. Perhaps I can borrow some of the ideas for this gathering.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie