what's mine? what's theirs?

Hi Honey,

How are you feeling?  I saw that Mom said you still sound very weak, and so I don't want to nag.  I'm waiting to check in...

But I'm here.

So --- I saw an article that said we can inherit memories from our parents and grandparents.  That freaked me out a little.  I wondered if the overwhelming feelings I get when I hear stories of miners trapped underground come from Mom and her panic at being trapped in a trunk by her sibs.  I wonder how many of my responses come from a connection with Grandma B.  I feel like I am her sometimes.

Then I stopped to think about the way B#1 has rewritten his story and apparently lost memory of what he truly did and S#3 losing memory of what happened to her in order to survive. 

So --  we don't necessarily have our own memories, but we probably have those of our mom and grandmom.  It's a wonder we have any connection with sanity at all...if we do...

When I think about Grandmom, I worry about ending up like her.  She was deaf and blind.  Then I realized that she did not want to see or hear the reality of what happened to her/around her.  I will be different.  I will listen, I will see.  even when it breaks my heart, I will be vulnerable. I will never pretend things did not happen.

I love you, I can't wait to reconnect.

Sending healing thoughts,

Clare

ranting

Hello Sister,

It has been a long day. After work, I went to a neighbor's and picked strawberries.  It was warm and sunny.  I was leaning on the ground, stretched out, reaching. I could  small strawberries and wild carrots.  Then I brought them home and sat and hulled them for hours.  I froze some. Tomorrow I'll make jam.

The first message we got from S#3 was that you would be released today.  I know things happened, and now you'll be in the hospital for another day. I was so shocked. Major surgery means an overnight stay.  What is wrong with our health care system?

I have talked to people in Germany and found that not only do you get the basics but you get extras - massages, special stays in healing places.  Here, we get to survive.   We get the absolute minimum - if we have insurance.  Because insurance is not even a given.

We need to get out from under corporate control.  We need to understand that money is not the key point of every decision. We need to actually care for people.

That was the rant of the day.

Our cousin said it's going to hurt when the meds wear off.  I hope you don't hurt.

I will check back tomorrow.  Probably after I make the whole house smell like strawberries.

Love from Clare

good news, world

I checked my email every 10 minutes until I heard from S#3.  I got good news - you were in recovery, you were awake, everything looked good.  News to follow.

But no news has followed, and I'm not relaxing.  I talked to S#3 who promised to call me as soon as she hears from your husband.

And we wait.  We wait with our hearts in our hands - as vulnerable as possible...

I love you.

Clare

One more night...

Clare,
Thank you…

I am as ready as I will ever be.

I had some anxiety earlier today, driving to my injection….
I talked to husband and daughter…
and calmed down.

Husband and I are driving over tonight.
We are scheduled for 7 am arrival, 8:30 OR start time and they anticipate 4 to 5 hours of surgery.
S#3 is going to be our communicator…
husband will contact her and she will spread the news.

Know that I love you and appreciate you so very much.
I will be soft and open to the changes that are happening.
I will just be…
I will return cancer free!

Maggie

a few last words before transformation

Hello Valiant Warrior,

It almost seems that tomorrow is as much as being about a warrior as it is about being a surrender into the future, surrender into healing, surrender into release of the trauma.

A F/friend of mine writes poetry, and recently shared the following:

soft enough / that resistance, folds enveloped / within

 

He explained briefly: 
For me it expresses a logic of love, surrender and trust. I imagined a heavy object entering a soft space - like an iron ball falling into a large pillow - as a metaphor for how to accept the brutality and violence that we sometime experience in life. 

 

So be a large pillow tomorrow.  Surrender, endure, live long and prosper...and smile.

 

I expect to hear only good news.  But I won't breathe deeply until this is over. 

Every fiber of me is rooting for you.

Be well,

I love you...Clare

 

A quick update

Clare,

2 days to go…
today I spoke with the genetics counselor…
she recommends that all of the siblings and cousins have the CHEK2 gene evaluated.
I am going to get S#3 and B#4 to see her directly…
let me know if you want it checked.

I spoke with Mom last evening, B#2 &4 this afternoon, got a text from S#5…
what a day.
I also got messages from several friends…
and had one last reiki treatment prior to surgery.
I don't know what else to do to prepare, except relax.

I am doing well today…
I felt on the verge of tears for most of the day…
but it wasn't sadness…
I am not sure what the emotion is behind it.
I did have a little cry during the reiki work.
It relieved a lot of upper body tension.

Tomorrow I meet up with S#3, she is going to sit with me for a test that maps out my lymph nodes' drainage around the breast. I hope we have time to talk.

My older son is having a really hard time with all of this. His coping mechanism is to stay away from the house as much as possible…even when he's asked to stay home. I understand his reaction, but I really want to be able to talk  with him and spend time with him. But, every time I try he becomes angry and defensive…trying really hard to start a fight so that he has an excuse to stomp out of the house and leave. I really don't know what to do with him right now. So, try to hold him in the Light through all of this too.

Until tomorrow…
Love and Light,
Maggie

beloved

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” 

Today I bring you the gift of Brene Brown, from her Gift of Imperfection.  In a way she sparked us, almost as much as B#2's suicide attempt.  And when words and inspiration fail, I turn to her...

I have been thinking about the love you have seen manifesting, and thinking it must be there for all of us.We just don't see it, acknowledge it maybe, look for it...very often.

I'm also aware that you must love yourself very much, because everyone else loves you a lot.

Now is when you get vulnerable, walk past the family conditioning of I'm-not-good-enough, and allow everyone to love you.

I hope you have had a good day.

Sending love and hugs and anything else you might need...

Clare