I just want to say that I never meant to insinuate that your actions with Tinya were wrong...
I cried all the way through that post yesterday and was so angry at having to give up what I loved...but not angry with you.
I remembered when you did take me to that barn and I remember how badly I felt walking away from her...glad that she has a safe home, but desperately wanting her for my own...
I went for a walk with the dog and cried...
I went back to the idea that I could/should have protected S#3 from the abuse...
felt guilty and angry about not speaking up and protecting her (and myself)...
I thought of the book Charlotte's Web...Fern had the courage to get between her father's ax and the runt pig...
why hadn't I found that kind of courage?
I just remained silenced.
I am crying again...why is this a window into my heart?
I saw ThunderBay this morning...he was charming, as always...
I hugged him and thanked him for never giving up on me...
he hugged back with his strong neck and gentle brown eyes...
he knows my heart and my story...
what a gift.
That dream will take some thought...
birds without a voice and self-mutilating is interpretable from all of this...
but the turtle? What's the significance of a turtle?
Is it their ability to curl up and protect themselves?...
to be impenetrable?...
or their slow and thoughtful processes and their living life on their own...
they are not tribal...they mate and move on...never seeing their offspring, or parents?
And what about the second marriage? How does it all fit together?
I am better at having dreams than interpreting them...
I have Freud's book on dream analysis...I will see if I can find something there.
So where were we in our walk through Mom's family, before my depression and dreams started to get in the way? We talked about the sisters...what do you remember about her brothers? And what do you remember about her aunts and uncles...there were spinsters and mental retardation...any insights?
I love you,
Maggie
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
The One Where the Delana Girls Outweird Each Other
I protest. We did not dispose of Tinya. I saved her from what Dad would have done. I found her a barn where she was fed regularly, where the humans knew her, knew her story, had compassion for her. For a kid, I did good. The day she tried to follow me home is one of those clear memories. I would walk two steps, and wait for her. We went a long way together. When she gave up I took her back. I knew she was safer there. I knew I could not bring her back into the house...maybe we should have hidden her, like those ducks...But it would have been in vain. When we moved, I am fairly certain we left our two tomcats there, to join the stray community.
Of course animal spirits live on, and of course they come back to us. I got a kitten in January. This is my companion cat. We waited until her name came to us, and it is Delilah. After a bit, I recognized her mannerisms, and knew she was with me years ago - named Lady Lilacs. I sleep on my side, and she sleeps on my hip, just as she always has. She is my cat, I am her human. I also have extremely close connections to certain dogs. We are companions.
One of my dogs was my husky who passed last October. He belonged to my oldest child who asked me to keep him for a little while because she could not have him in an apartment. A little while was 11 years. I always thought he was her dog, until slowly, after years, I realized he was mine. He was my protector, my companion, my playmate. He had cancer and I knew he was dying. I stopped being able to carry him up and down the stairs in the last 3 or 4 days of his life without causing pain, so I made him a nest by my desk, so I could touch him while I was working. I could usually touch him all the time anyway - he was usually by my side. The last night, when I said goodnight to him, he got out of his body and came up the stairs with me. My border collie who had passed several years earlier, also my spirit companion was also there. They both got on the bed, and laid down with me, exactly like they did when they were both in fur. It was so real and emotional and so full of love and connection. I came downstairs the next morning and my boy was still alive. I put my hand on him. I had to work, but I kept contact. After less than an hour, I felt the change in energy. He lifted his head, breathed in then out twice, and on the third breath he exhaled his spirit and was free. It was so tragically, exquisitely beautiful, and I felt so alive at that moment of transition. I felt emotions with my body and my spirit. I have seen him around the house since then, fleeting glimpses out of the corner of my eye. After his death, several friends told me he would send me a protector. I would see something of him in the new dog. Does that mean he will be back? I suspect so...
And I have had another cat four times. He is always a long-haired tuxedo cat with a quirky personality. He returns to me, because we belong to the same spirit family.
I have never had a horse. It would be interesting to feel a connection with that energy. I am glad Tinya is with you again. Next time you visit, share my love. What I thought was weird is that both times this spirit used lameness to draw your attention. What is it about lameness that he/she has to teach you. If you learn it, next time she can be whole.
I have a connection with someone who does research on PTSD. I asked her about CPTSD and she asked some questions. I gave her a brief synopsis of our story. She is going to read up, and said she can give me some of the biochemistry, but reminded me she is not a psychologist. I feel like anything I can learn is an important piece of this puzzle.
I think you may win the dream prize. Yours are always bigger and more powerful, and more symbolic. Even before I got to the end of your description, I made the Jeanne - Jahn, French pronunciation connection. Especially since I have heard you, in a fit of pique, mutter that you were moving to the South of France, more than once! And honey, you are recomposing! You are working on finding your heart. And you are reanimating to allow that to happen! This is so cool!!!!! Finding your heart, after tucking it away and protecting for so many decades will make you uneasy - at first. Then you'll be alive again, just as you were for a brief time as a child before you were knocked out of yourself and into pain.
I had one dream, years ago, that I am still trying to analyze. I have shared the symbolism with quite a few people, but no one understands. The week before I had this dream, I had met a turquoise colored parrot that was self-mutilating. It came to me, looked into my eyes and I spontaneously said, "Oh, honey, you don't have anyone to talk to." So, the dream starts with me attending an herb workshop. I am late, I can't find a parking place. I park on the grass. I go in, and find a seat next to a friend, in the second row. This friend has her knees drawn up against the seat in front of us, and is looking down. Without looking at me she says, "You are getting married again. The patterns of abuse are similar and the love lines are the same." (I repeated this line to that friend, and she said she had to have channeled that, because it was not something she would really say.) So we listen to the workshop, then during a break the teacher leaves the stage area. I am looking past the stage area, sort of backstage, and I see a huge cage. I walk toward the cage and see a huge yellow bird. As I get closer, I realize it is not a bird, but a turtle, standing on its back legs. It is a feathered turtle. I go to it, open the door and help it step down. It steps toward me, and the aforementioned parrot is suddenly between our hearts as the turtle puts his arms around me. I feel safe. I feel safe and protected and loved like I have never felt at any other time in my life.
I didn't want to wake up. When I woke up I tried so hard to go back to sleep.
The woman who channeled the line in the dream reminded me that those feelings are inside of me and I can always access them. But I can't...
I had forgotten about the dream, but I was outside early one morning and a huge turkey vulture swooped down from the sky and flew right at me. The words "Big bird...!!" in my mind brought the whole dream rushing back. Then there were a few episodes with turtles and songbirds that have kept this all alive.
Keep on dreaming...it's the way home to your heart!!
Love, C.
Of course animal spirits live on, and of course they come back to us. I got a kitten in January. This is my companion cat. We waited until her name came to us, and it is Delilah. After a bit, I recognized her mannerisms, and knew she was with me years ago - named Lady Lilacs. I sleep on my side, and she sleeps on my hip, just as she always has. She is my cat, I am her human. I also have extremely close connections to certain dogs. We are companions.
One of my dogs was my husky who passed last October. He belonged to my oldest child who asked me to keep him for a little while because she could not have him in an apartment. A little while was 11 years. I always thought he was her dog, until slowly, after years, I realized he was mine. He was my protector, my companion, my playmate. He had cancer and I knew he was dying. I stopped being able to carry him up and down the stairs in the last 3 or 4 days of his life without causing pain, so I made him a nest by my desk, so I could touch him while I was working. I could usually touch him all the time anyway - he was usually by my side. The last night, when I said goodnight to him, he got out of his body and came up the stairs with me. My border collie who had passed several years earlier, also my spirit companion was also there. They both got on the bed, and laid down with me, exactly like they did when they were both in fur. It was so real and emotional and so full of love and connection. I came downstairs the next morning and my boy was still alive. I put my hand on him. I had to work, but I kept contact. After less than an hour, I felt the change in energy. He lifted his head, breathed in then out twice, and on the third breath he exhaled his spirit and was free. It was so tragically, exquisitely beautiful, and I felt so alive at that moment of transition. I felt emotions with my body and my spirit. I have seen him around the house since then, fleeting glimpses out of the corner of my eye. After his death, several friends told me he would send me a protector. I would see something of him in the new dog. Does that mean he will be back? I suspect so...
And I have had another cat four times. He is always a long-haired tuxedo cat with a quirky personality. He returns to me, because we belong to the same spirit family.
I have never had a horse. It would be interesting to feel a connection with that energy. I am glad Tinya is with you again. Next time you visit, share my love. What I thought was weird is that both times this spirit used lameness to draw your attention. What is it about lameness that he/she has to teach you. If you learn it, next time she can be whole.
I have a connection with someone who does research on PTSD. I asked her about CPTSD and she asked some questions. I gave her a brief synopsis of our story. She is going to read up, and said she can give me some of the biochemistry, but reminded me she is not a psychologist. I feel like anything I can learn is an important piece of this puzzle.
I think you may win the dream prize. Yours are always bigger and more powerful, and more symbolic. Even before I got to the end of your description, I made the Jeanne - Jahn, French pronunciation connection. Especially since I have heard you, in a fit of pique, mutter that you were moving to the South of France, more than once! And honey, you are recomposing! You are working on finding your heart. And you are reanimating to allow that to happen! This is so cool!!!!! Finding your heart, after tucking it away and protecting for so many decades will make you uneasy - at first. Then you'll be alive again, just as you were for a brief time as a child before you were knocked out of yourself and into pain.
I had one dream, years ago, that I am still trying to analyze. I have shared the symbolism with quite a few people, but no one understands. The week before I had this dream, I had met a turquoise colored parrot that was self-mutilating. It came to me, looked into my eyes and I spontaneously said, "Oh, honey, you don't have anyone to talk to." So, the dream starts with me attending an herb workshop. I am late, I can't find a parking place. I park on the grass. I go in, and find a seat next to a friend, in the second row. This friend has her knees drawn up against the seat in front of us, and is looking down. Without looking at me she says, "You are getting married again. The patterns of abuse are similar and the love lines are the same." (I repeated this line to that friend, and she said she had to have channeled that, because it was not something she would really say.) So we listen to the workshop, then during a break the teacher leaves the stage area. I am looking past the stage area, sort of backstage, and I see a huge cage. I walk toward the cage and see a huge yellow bird. As I get closer, I realize it is not a bird, but a turtle, standing on its back legs. It is a feathered turtle. I go to it, open the door and help it step down. It steps toward me, and the aforementioned parrot is suddenly between our hearts as the turtle puts his arms around me. I feel safe. I feel safe and protected and loved like I have never felt at any other time in my life.
I didn't want to wake up. When I woke up I tried so hard to go back to sleep.
The woman who channeled the line in the dream reminded me that those feelings are inside of me and I can always access them. But I can't...
I had forgotten about the dream, but I was outside early one morning and a huge turkey vulture swooped down from the sky and flew right at me. The words "Big bird...!!" in my mind brought the whole dream rushing back. Then there were a few episodes with turtles and songbirds that have kept this all alive.
Keep on dreaming...it's the way home to your heart!!
Love, C.
Out on a limb...
I will share a secret with you...Tinya lives on in ThunderBay.
That sounds so strange, and I 've only told one other person this...but I love a horse who is she.
ThunderBay is an elegant, tall, bay gelding. I adopted him when his owners could no longer use him for shows and jumping because he was lame in the back. I knew immediately that I had to have him. That was almost 10 years ago.
He is my favorite male on this planet...kind, gentle, unconditionally loving me.
When I am with him I feel so safe and peaceful.
A few years after I adopted him we were walking together (he can't be ridden)
and he stopped...looked me in the eyes...and I knew this was Tinya's soul...I just knew it.
I can't believe that that soul came back to me after we disposed of her, betrayed her...
twice....
my heart breaks over the thought of her wanting to return from that barn with you.
When I don't get to the barn for more than a week, he turns his back end to me and won't acknowledge me, until I have coaxed and apologized for my absence.
Then he fully embraces me again...what a kind and generous soul that is...
what a gift to me.
Last weekend I was bathing him, with a friend...we were talking about animal communicators...
We talked about having conversations with our horses...
ThunderBay looked my friend in the eye...
and she said to him,"you tell her, or do you want me to?"...
she never did say what he wanted, but I had the impression that he has much to tell me.
Fear...we do let our emotions control our actions and interactions. Part of the PTSD and CPTSD is emotional dysregulation...the inability to correctly interpret and respond to emotions.
It is the chronic fear that we live with...the hyperarousal, distrust, hypervigilance that something bad is lurking out there.
It is our siblings who laugh at inappropriate times...
it is my inability to cry even when my heart is breaking...
we are confused because we can't trust our own interpretations.
We are emotionally out of control because we never learned to correctly identify and respond to our emotions. We need to relearn the vocabulary of emotions and the internal feelings that go along with those sensations...like teaching a young child to speak...it will take time and practice. Be patient and aware of your reactions to things, try to consciously and consistently name each feeling as you experience it...
I am saying this for my benefit...I should be using first person, but it's easier to direct it away from myself.
So another series of strange dreams this week, it's been a nightly occurrence...
I have dreamt this just before I awaken in the morning, each dream a different morning...
I am in a room, with 2 chairs and a window to my right...a person, I think it's a man is sitting opposite me...we are talking about our childhood experiences. I am aware that there is something by the window.
Same scenario but this time it is obvious that there is a corpse by the window, covered in a heavy shroud...not moving...but definitely the shape and size of a corpse...the other person isn't bothered by this...doesn't even acknowledge it.
Same scenario but this time the other person seems to communicate, nonverbally, with this corpse...and it even moves under the shroud.
Same scenario but this time there is a half decomposed (bones and some flesh) hand that moves from under the shroud. It is the hand that is farther from me...not reaching towards me...just stretching and moving itself. The other person is not upset by this. I am feeling uneasy, but not terrified.
Same scenario but this time the corpse pushes off the shroud and shows it's partially decomposed body...I can't tell if it's decomposing or recomposing...does that make sense?...is it dying or coming back to life? The other person refers to it by name, John. There is something anatomically 'funky' about it's chest area...it seems to be loose, flail or not fully connected (sorry, not a very technical description). I look at all of this with unease, but not fear, maybe some confusion...shouldn't I be afraid?
Same scenario but this time I am sitting with my eyes closed for some reason and the other person says that John wants to touch me...I feel the presence around me...and then every cell in my body is electrified...it's not painful or pleasurable...it just is a surge of energy everywhere in my body...I am not afraid.
That was this morning's dream.
So is John a previous perpetrator? I am not afraid...am I confused?
Is John really Jean (French pronunciation)...the part of me that I have lost?
I truly am going out on a limb today...rather uncomfortable...
I have now disclosed that my horse is the reincarnation of my beloved cat and that I am being overtaken by a decomposing/recomposing corpse...What next??
I trust the contents with you Clare...
I know that you will help me to understand...
and that you do love me, unconditionally...as I do you.
Thank you,
Maggie
That sounds so strange, and I 've only told one other person this...but I love a horse who is she.
ThunderBay is an elegant, tall, bay gelding. I adopted him when his owners could no longer use him for shows and jumping because he was lame in the back. I knew immediately that I had to have him. That was almost 10 years ago.
He is my favorite male on this planet...kind, gentle, unconditionally loving me.
When I am with him I feel so safe and peaceful.
A few years after I adopted him we were walking together (he can't be ridden)
and he stopped...looked me in the eyes...and I knew this was Tinya's soul...I just knew it.
I can't believe that that soul came back to me after we disposed of her, betrayed her...
twice....
my heart breaks over the thought of her wanting to return from that barn with you.
When I don't get to the barn for more than a week, he turns his back end to me and won't acknowledge me, until I have coaxed and apologized for my absence.
Then he fully embraces me again...what a kind and generous soul that is...
what a gift to me.
Last weekend I was bathing him, with a friend...we were talking about animal communicators...
We talked about having conversations with our horses...
ThunderBay looked my friend in the eye...
and she said to him,"you tell her, or do you want me to?"...
she never did say what he wanted, but I had the impression that he has much to tell me.
Fear...we do let our emotions control our actions and interactions. Part of the PTSD and CPTSD is emotional dysregulation...the inability to correctly interpret and respond to emotions.
It is the chronic fear that we live with...the hyperarousal, distrust, hypervigilance that something bad is lurking out there.
It is our siblings who laugh at inappropriate times...
it is my inability to cry even when my heart is breaking...
we are confused because we can't trust our own interpretations.
We are emotionally out of control because we never learned to correctly identify and respond to our emotions. We need to relearn the vocabulary of emotions and the internal feelings that go along with those sensations...like teaching a young child to speak...it will take time and practice. Be patient and aware of your reactions to things, try to consciously and consistently name each feeling as you experience it...
I am saying this for my benefit...I should be using first person, but it's easier to direct it away from myself.
So another series of strange dreams this week, it's been a nightly occurrence...
I have dreamt this just before I awaken in the morning, each dream a different morning...
I am in a room, with 2 chairs and a window to my right...a person, I think it's a man is sitting opposite me...we are talking about our childhood experiences. I am aware that there is something by the window.
Same scenario but this time it is obvious that there is a corpse by the window, covered in a heavy shroud...not moving...but definitely the shape and size of a corpse...the other person isn't bothered by this...doesn't even acknowledge it.
Same scenario but this time the other person seems to communicate, nonverbally, with this corpse...and it even moves under the shroud.
Same scenario but this time there is a half decomposed (bones and some flesh) hand that moves from under the shroud. It is the hand that is farther from me...not reaching towards me...just stretching and moving itself. The other person is not upset by this. I am feeling uneasy, but not terrified.
Same scenario but this time the corpse pushes off the shroud and shows it's partially decomposed body...I can't tell if it's decomposing or recomposing...does that make sense?...is it dying or coming back to life? The other person refers to it by name, John. There is something anatomically 'funky' about it's chest area...it seems to be loose, flail or not fully connected (sorry, not a very technical description). I look at all of this with unease, but not fear, maybe some confusion...shouldn't I be afraid?
Same scenario but this time I am sitting with my eyes closed for some reason and the other person says that John wants to touch me...I feel the presence around me...and then every cell in my body is electrified...it's not painful or pleasurable...it just is a surge of energy everywhere in my body...I am not afraid.
That was this morning's dream.
So is John a previous perpetrator? I am not afraid...am I confused?
Is John really Jean (French pronunciation)...the part of me that I have lost?
I truly am going out on a limb today...rather uncomfortable...
I have now disclosed that my horse is the reincarnation of my beloved cat and that I am being overtaken by a decomposing/recomposing corpse...What next??
I trust the contents with you Clare...
I know that you will help me to understand...
and that you do love me, unconditionally...as I do you.
Thank you,
Maggie
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Quantam Emotions!
Fear -
Definition:
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.
Etymology:
O.E. fær "calamity, sudden danger, peril," from P.Gmc. *feraz "danger" (cf. O.S. far "ambush," O.N. far "harm, distress, deception," Du. gevaar, Ger. Gefahr "danger"), from PIE root *per- "to try, risk, come over, go through" (perhaps connected with Gk. peira "trial, attempt, experience," L. periculum
"trial, risk, danger"). Sense of "uneasiness caused by possible danger"
developed late 12c. O.E. words for "fear" as we now use it were ege, fyrhto; as a verb, ondrædan.
It can be noted then that with regard to the concept 'fear'
psychologists frequently mention 'avoidance behavoir,' which can be
characterized as 'flight, hiding or evasion.' (See Thomson, 1979, 8 and
Gray, 1971, 34.) I propose then that etymologically the stem
*bhe/o-y- was merely an alternative form of the stem *bhe/o-w- 'to
be,' but that when construed with the ablative case it originally
denoted 'to be away from, to stay away from.' Originally the syntactic
construction *bhe/o-y-
*vlkw-āt denoted
the avoidance behavoir, viz. 'stays away from the wolf.' Later the
concrete meaning of the construction which described the act was
replaced by the abstract meaning which described the feeling which
accompanied the act. Thus the construction became concentrated in the
verb itself, so that the form of the verb 'to be' with the element *-y, viz. *bhe/o-y took on the meaning 'to fear.' (From: LITUANUS LITHUANIAN QUARTERLY JOURNAL OF ARTS AND SCIENCES Volume 29, No.3 - Fall 1983 Editor of this issue: Antanas Klimas)
You've got my mind roiling and turning words around and trying to find something to grab to start to make sense of fear. I attached the above, because playing with words often helps me think.
I am trying to think of a basic fear. I am terrified of heights. Mom said I had a broken collar bone when I was two from falling off a sliding board. That could very well be the root of my panic when I stand on a fire tower or on a cliffside. There are no images, just that feeling of adrenaline coursing through my whole body. I am hyperalert, but paralyzed and I can not think. It is a torturous combination...I have to get out of here, yet I am afraid to move.
Then in less physically dangerous, yet fearful moments those feelings generalize and mix with other emotions, notably shame.
I looked at your list of fears, which are so much like mine, I thought about them and something deep happened...
I am afraid of being alone and so I keep people at a distance, and I am alone.
I am afraid of being overwhelmed, and yet life is completely overwhelming. I can't seem to make sense of the pieces and create peace.
I am afraid of losing control, yet I have no control. I am at the whim of the universe, and mostly I have learned that the universe is not kind. I know in my heart that's not true, but my personal experiences lead me to believe in pain and separation.
I am afraid of being helpless and voiceless, yet I still don't quite know how to help myself, nor can I speak up.
We feel sadness and longing because all of the things we fear most are our reality. We are living it, yet trying to identify it from inside the chaos.
I am not ready to think about life in a military family. It is still difficult and that lifestyle, that culture, is still at the root of a lot of our problems. I have done some military activism, and it releases some of the pain for me.
But I do have an alternate story for you. Tinya was loved by two little girls. When she lived with us, our bedrooms were next to each other. I had to walk through yours to get to mine. Tinya was always on one of our beds - usually yours because she loved your chenille bedspread. She did get pregnant and Dad took her "to the Farm." I think he dumped her along the road somewhere. And she did walk home to us. Then after her kittens, he said she had to go. I found her a home - because I knew I couldn't trust him. You were probably too young to remember. But I took her to live in a friend's barn. I visited her occasionally, and she always came to me, and begged me not to leave. You may have gone with me, maybe once, because there was a daughter approximately your age, I think. She remembered us and loved us. Once she followed me part way home, but she didn't have the strength to get very far on two legs. I was praying she could, because then I could legitimately say she followed me. What hurt so much was that Mom said we could keep her. Mom named her after the character in The Christmas Carol. We had so many animals that we
didn't take care of and just dumped. It breaks my heart, when I think back. I moved once, rather than betray a dog who knew he was part of this family.
I know that the kids have to get counseling, but I am glad that there will be a buffer for the time being. Counseling is a must - I share this message freely and widely with many, many people.
Back into the fear and into your words...sometimes it is so hard to identify emotions...they flow so freely from one to the next. It's hard to grab just one...kind of like quantum physics and the true state of matter. It may be a particle, but then again, it's a wave. Both states are real, but you can't have both at once.
Love you!! C.
Trust who?
The teacher you describe will come back again...I have heard or read that when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear...maybe this is preparing you for that teacher...I hope so.
I did the same fear exercise this morning...it was frustrating...
I realized that I am unable to allow myself to feel fear...I couldn't go there...
even in the safety of my own sacred space...
So I began to meditate on this inability to allow myself to be afraid...
I am afraid to be alone.
I am afraid to be overwhelmed...emotionally and physically.
I am afraid of losing control.
I am afraid of being helpless...and voiceless.
I am afraid of being loved and loving truely...of being vulnerable.
I am afraid of being seen for who I really am.
I am afraid of being rejected.
I can take pain...I guess that deep down I feel as if I deserve pain...
so hurt me but please don't reject me.
I am afraid that I am confused...because as I share all of this I feel sadness and longing...not fear.
So what is fear...really?
All of this is in opposition to the persona I portray. I, on the surface, am OK with moving forward on this journey...even if it means that I am alone and rejected...but is that truely where I am at?
Is the fear exercise oncovering my present state...or is it a reflection of my past?
Without the emotional experience of fear, I cannot discern if this is past or present...
despite the use of meditation to access this experience.
I feel terror in my dreams...
I wake with a pounding heart and sense of dread and certainty that I am prey for something.
Although I wake myself before I see the outcomes.
Maybe that's why my dreams are such a blessing for me...they give me access to the emotions that I have locked away...
for self-preservation...to be that "good girl" that I was raised to be...
or the "good soldier" when you are raised in a military family.
I hated growing up in a military family...
cold, practical, detached, every man for themself, do your chores (KP) or you were humiliated and punished...
I never joined the army...just forced into it by birth! (now I am accessing anger...but still not fear!).
When dad was in Viet Nam, I remember Mom watching the news at night to see if Dad's name, or anyone they knew, had been killed. I remember they used to roll the names across the screen. What a sick preoccupation.
I hated when Dad was away...but I hated it even more when he returned.
I remember when he returned from Viet Nam...
there was a VW bus/van in the alley and I knew he was back...I hid...
I was so afraid of seeing him...having him back in our family life...
no teary-eyed, running and jumping into his arms reunion like they show on TV...
just fear of the unknown...he was unknown at that point...just a distant ambivalent memory.
After that, I adopted a crippled kitten, Tinya, who was the most loving cat. She was abandoned in the alley beside our house. She was so small...Tiny Tim, until we realized she was a female.
She got pregnant and Dad took her away...told me he drowned her because it was cruel to make her drag that big belly around...
He took and destroyed the one thing that I loved...cold heartedly...all in the name of kindness...
no wander I am so screwed up emotionally...
well she returned...a week or so later...she dragged that belly back to our house...he dumped her at a nearby farm, or along a road, who knows...
she returned to me and I realized that he lied to me, straight faced, coldly... I realized that he was capable of that.
She had her kittens...I watched them being born.
I can't remember what happened to her after that. This is making me cry...and so angry...
How many things were taken from us...in the name of kindness?
When I was 15, I met a woman who changed my life...she became my mentor...
she was 15 years older than me...we bonded...
the parents, especially Dad branded her "trouble"...
"Why would she want to spend time with a teenager?"..."What does she want from you?"...
blah, blah, blah...Ad nauseum.
The one person who truly saw and believed in my potential...
who encouraged me to follow my dreams was labeled bad and untrustworthy...
Being the "bad" ebellious adolescent that I was, I followed my heart and trusted her...
she is one of the few that I allowed myself to trust in life...
she never lied to me...she is a true friend...Thank you I.
Of course we moved when I was 17...and we had less contact...
but I have seen her occasionally through the years and we still have a bond. Thank you universe.
May I offer advice? Sending your yougest child to help is a good thing...but her presence will change the dynamics of that family. They will have another person to buffer their interactions. It might distract them from the real work that they need to do. That will prolong the inevitable...their need to explore and heal their wounds. Counseling during this time of support is necessary.
I really liked the image you used yesterday about our two Lights shining, illuminating the path...the others can follow...I pray they will and find their own shalom.
Thanks for listening/reading...this has been difficult for me...but I trust you with it...
Maggie
I did the same fear exercise this morning...it was frustrating...
I realized that I am unable to allow myself to feel fear...I couldn't go there...
even in the safety of my own sacred space...
So I began to meditate on this inability to allow myself to be afraid...
I am afraid to be alone.
I am afraid to be overwhelmed...emotionally and physically.
I am afraid of losing control.
I am afraid of being helpless...and voiceless.
I am afraid of being loved and loving truely...of being vulnerable.
I am afraid of being seen for who I really am.
I am afraid of being rejected.
I can take pain...I guess that deep down I feel as if I deserve pain...
so hurt me but please don't reject me.
I am afraid that I am confused...because as I share all of this I feel sadness and longing...not fear.
So what is fear...really?
All of this is in opposition to the persona I portray. I, on the surface, am OK with moving forward on this journey...even if it means that I am alone and rejected...but is that truely where I am at?
Is the fear exercise oncovering my present state...or is it a reflection of my past?
Without the emotional experience of fear, I cannot discern if this is past or present...
despite the use of meditation to access this experience.
I feel terror in my dreams...
I wake with a pounding heart and sense of dread and certainty that I am prey for something.
Although I wake myself before I see the outcomes.
Maybe that's why my dreams are such a blessing for me...they give me access to the emotions that I have locked away...
for self-preservation...to be that "good girl" that I was raised to be...
or the "good soldier" when you are raised in a military family.
I hated growing up in a military family...
cold, practical, detached, every man for themself, do your chores (KP) or you were humiliated and punished...
I never joined the army...just forced into it by birth! (now I am accessing anger...but still not fear!).
When dad was in Viet Nam, I remember Mom watching the news at night to see if Dad's name, or anyone they knew, had been killed. I remember they used to roll the names across the screen. What a sick preoccupation.
I hated when Dad was away...but I hated it even more when he returned.
I remember when he returned from Viet Nam...
there was a VW bus/van in the alley and I knew he was back...I hid...
I was so afraid of seeing him...having him back in our family life...
no teary-eyed, running and jumping into his arms reunion like they show on TV...
just fear of the unknown...he was unknown at that point...just a distant ambivalent memory.
After that, I adopted a crippled kitten, Tinya, who was the most loving cat. She was abandoned in the alley beside our house. She was so small...Tiny Tim, until we realized she was a female.
She got pregnant and Dad took her away...told me he drowned her because it was cruel to make her drag that big belly around...
He took and destroyed the one thing that I loved...cold heartedly...all in the name of kindness...
no wander I am so screwed up emotionally...
well she returned...a week or so later...she dragged that belly back to our house...he dumped her at a nearby farm, or along a road, who knows...
she returned to me and I realized that he lied to me, straight faced, coldly... I realized that he was capable of that.
She had her kittens...I watched them being born.
I can't remember what happened to her after that. This is making me cry...and so angry...
How many things were taken from us...in the name of kindness?
When I was 15, I met a woman who changed my life...she became my mentor...
she was 15 years older than me...we bonded...
the parents, especially Dad branded her "trouble"...
"Why would she want to spend time with a teenager?"..."What does she want from you?"...
blah, blah, blah...Ad nauseum.
The one person who truly saw and believed in my potential...
who encouraged me to follow my dreams was labeled bad and untrustworthy...
Being the "bad" ebellious adolescent that I was, I followed my heart and trusted her...
she is one of the few that I allowed myself to trust in life...
she never lied to me...she is a true friend...Thank you I.
Of course we moved when I was 17...and we had less contact...
but I have seen her occasionally through the years and we still have a bond. Thank you universe.
May I offer advice? Sending your yougest child to help is a good thing...but her presence will change the dynamics of that family. They will have another person to buffer their interactions. It might distract them from the real work that they need to do. That will prolong the inevitable...their need to explore and heal their wounds. Counseling during this time of support is necessary.
I really liked the image you used yesterday about our two Lights shining, illuminating the path...the others can follow...I pray they will and find their own shalom.
Thanks for listening/reading...this has been difficult for me...but I trust you with it...
Maggie
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Turning My Back
Fear - just draw black and pervasive. Got enough black markers?
My son and his wife...no news is good news? The youngest sibling is going to stay for two months and help out before, hopefully, starting school at a community college. It will be good to have someone in the family there to be an extra pair of hands, and a show of support from home. As with all crises, there was a lot of communication which settled back to the usual.
I am willing to wait to share this body of writing with the sibs and the 'rents. Part of me believes that we'll know when the time is right. Maybe my feelings yesterday mean that we are getting close. I'm glad you are so willing to share, because as I said, I get nervous, but I know I will do it and face the responses we get. And as I've said so many times, there's nothing to lose for me.
Perimenopausal confuses everything! The body is so discombobulated! What a time to be trying to find balance! You definitely do not do anything by the book. May I make a suggestion as an herbalist? Start drinking dandelion root tea every day. It relaxes and tones the liver. Once the liver is healthy it can do its jobs of clearing toxins, then have enough stamina left over to clear all those extra hormones wreaking havoc on your body!
Agreements I have turned my back on...I read a beautiful article once about life's interruptions actually being divine appointments. I can remember times when I had a chance to intervene, but fear pushed me away. Once when the kids were elementary age, we passed a woman screaming at her son outside the library. My kids were frozen in horror and so I shooed them away, then we talked about it. Her rage frightened me, because it reminded me of me. Now, I know it would have been so easy to gently say, "It seems like you are having a really hard day." to that mom. Instead, I let her child down and proved that the abuse was acceptable. My silence offered a strong message, even to my own children. It was the seed of our behavior. Don't get involved, you are helpless so don't even try, and it's okay for others to be bad in public as long as we behave properly. In public.
In another situation, and my story is typically strange, I was supposed to work with a teacher. People sent me messages from their dreams, psychics felt drawn to tell me about it. Spirit worked hard to get the message to me, and I even kind of believed it. When the moment came, and it did, I was completely overwhelmed with feelings of shame and inadequacy and I walked away. I turned my back and did not allow the person to approach me. I regret this moment. Unfortunately, the same thing happened years later. I turned my back again. I thought I was stronger, but I was wrong. I feel really embarrassed writing this...
How long will your depression last? If you need to vent or need to spend time talking so you know you are not alone, call me...
My son and his wife...no news is good news? The youngest sibling is going to stay for two months and help out before, hopefully, starting school at a community college. It will be good to have someone in the family there to be an extra pair of hands, and a show of support from home. As with all crises, there was a lot of communication which settled back to the usual.
I am willing to wait to share this body of writing with the sibs and the 'rents. Part of me believes that we'll know when the time is right. Maybe my feelings yesterday mean that we are getting close. I'm glad you are so willing to share, because as I said, I get nervous, but I know I will do it and face the responses we get. And as I've said so many times, there's nothing to lose for me.
Perimenopausal confuses everything! The body is so discombobulated! What a time to be trying to find balance! You definitely do not do anything by the book. May I make a suggestion as an herbalist? Start drinking dandelion root tea every day. It relaxes and tones the liver. Once the liver is healthy it can do its jobs of clearing toxins, then have enough stamina left over to clear all those extra hormones wreaking havoc on your body!
Agreements I have turned my back on...I read a beautiful article once about life's interruptions actually being divine appointments. I can remember times when I had a chance to intervene, but fear pushed me away. Once when the kids were elementary age, we passed a woman screaming at her son outside the library. My kids were frozen in horror and so I shooed them away, then we talked about it. Her rage frightened me, because it reminded me of me. Now, I know it would have been so easy to gently say, "It seems like you are having a really hard day." to that mom. Instead, I let her child down and proved that the abuse was acceptable. My silence offered a strong message, even to my own children. It was the seed of our behavior. Don't get involved, you are helpless so don't even try, and it's okay for others to be bad in public as long as we behave properly. In public.
In another situation, and my story is typically strange, I was supposed to work with a teacher. People sent me messages from their dreams, psychics felt drawn to tell me about it. Spirit worked hard to get the message to me, and I even kind of believed it. When the moment came, and it did, I was completely overwhelmed with feelings of shame and inadequacy and I walked away. I turned my back and did not allow the person to approach me. I regret this moment. Unfortunately, the same thing happened years later. I turned my back again. I thought I was stronger, but I was wrong. I feel really embarrassed writing this...
How long will your depression last? If you need to vent or need to spend time talking so you know you are not alone, call me...
Feeling a bit chaotic...
I have been running back and forth to the orthodontist this morning...getting nothing real accomplished.
I did sit and try to draw fear...
but it was my attempt to draw what I had already described in words...
The assignment was to just draw the feeling and then go back, later, and write the words interpreting what I saw...
I will try again.
I wanted to ask you how your son and his family are doing? I have been thinking about them.
So are you asking if we should make this blog known to our family of origin?
My gut reaction is yes...get it out there...
but I then wonder...
if Mom has just started to share; would that drive her back into the mea culpa mode?
Can we hold off for another week or two to see if that goes anywhere?
Is that a legitimate concern, or is it a distraction/stalling technique?
I am stuck right now...feeling as if I am slipping into depression again...
I have noticed that after I ovulated this month I began to feel very negative, dark, overwhelmed...
this happened the first month I was on the anti-depressant as well...it cleared once my period started.
I have to discern if this is depression/monthly hormones/perimenopausal symptoms...
I just know that right now I feel chaotic and need to regroup.
I am pushing myself really hard to avoid contact with people...
I am cleaning, mowing, gardening, walking...you name it...
anything that gives me time alone, more control, and tires me out...
it's a weird way to handle depression...
most people slow down and stop moving...
I, paradoxically, drive myself forward...
busy-ness is my addiction.
I rarely do anything "by the book"...
This work is really hard...everything worth having is worth great effort...healing and peace will be worth the effort...I am grateful that you persevere with me along this path...it would be easy to ignore this blog..and just get busy...thanks for investing your time and energy into our journey. So, are you able to share when you turned your back on an agreement? How did you know?
About mysticism...I have been enthralled by mystics for years...
I found St John of the Cross and his Dark Night of the Soul...
that led me from one mystic to another...and to contemplation...meditation...
exploration of other religions/faith practices...and showed me that Catholicism no longer satisfied my spiritual cravings.
I craved Divine Intimacy and the Catholic church wanted me to fulfill obligations, follow Dogma and Tradition/tradition...stop thinking and obey...
so you are not to 'blame'...
I think that we are more alike than different and we have found our ways to similar Truths because of that...I love being your soul sister...
Maggie
I did sit and try to draw fear...
but it was my attempt to draw what I had already described in words...
The assignment was to just draw the feeling and then go back, later, and write the words interpreting what I saw...
I will try again.
I wanted to ask you how your son and his family are doing? I have been thinking about them.
So are you asking if we should make this blog known to our family of origin?
My gut reaction is yes...get it out there...
but I then wonder...
if Mom has just started to share; would that drive her back into the mea culpa mode?
Can we hold off for another week or two to see if that goes anywhere?
Is that a legitimate concern, or is it a distraction/stalling technique?
I am stuck right now...feeling as if I am slipping into depression again...
I have noticed that after I ovulated this month I began to feel very negative, dark, overwhelmed...
this happened the first month I was on the anti-depressant as well...it cleared once my period started.
I have to discern if this is depression/monthly hormones/perimenopausal symptoms...
I just know that right now I feel chaotic and need to regroup.
I am pushing myself really hard to avoid contact with people...
I am cleaning, mowing, gardening, walking...you name it...
anything that gives me time alone, more control, and tires me out...
it's a weird way to handle depression...
most people slow down and stop moving...
I, paradoxically, drive myself forward...
busy-ness is my addiction.
I rarely do anything "by the book"...
This work is really hard...everything worth having is worth great effort...healing and peace will be worth the effort...I am grateful that you persevere with me along this path...it would be easy to ignore this blog..and just get busy...thanks for investing your time and energy into our journey. So, are you able to share when you turned your back on an agreement? How did you know?
About mysticism...I have been enthralled by mystics for years...
I found St John of the Cross and his Dark Night of the Soul...
that led me from one mystic to another...and to contemplation...meditation...
exploration of other religions/faith practices...and showed me that Catholicism no longer satisfied my spiritual cravings.
I craved Divine Intimacy and the Catholic church wanted me to fulfill obligations, follow Dogma and Tradition/tradition...stop thinking and obey...
so you are not to 'blame'...
I think that we are more alike than different and we have found our ways to similar Truths because of that...I love being your soul sister...
Maggie
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