Self-empowered

Hi Maggie,

Quick check-in just to note what I have been thinking about...maybe it will lead to further, deeper rumination.

Thinking about self-empowerment, about understanding that I am enough, and that I deserve...

Then thinking about the martyr/victim role.  It seems to be that if you never walk through the swamp, self-empowerment simply feeds being victim.  Self-empowerment becomes a way to avoid taking responsibility. But once you have walked through the swamp, passed back through the pain, know what happened to you...then the hard part, to see what you have done to others while reacting to your pain...and understand and accept responsibility, there is more of a balance.

Once you accept responsibility, you are no longer victim but co-creator. Once you understand responsibility, awareness spreads throughout your being, and your self-empowerment is different...balanced...fair to the others in your life.

I am taking a chicken course on-line...Chicken Behavior and Welfare. Gonna gowatch a few videos and read an article!!

Sending love and hugs...

Clare

Kinda

Hi Maggie...

I got the next step...I got it from thinking back to Christ, to Gandhi, to King...it is submission but without obedience. I got stuck in passive and forgot about resistance.

We made Christmas cookies last weekend. I had my two younger, local grandkids.  We made dog bone shaped gingerbread cutouts. And the kids really, really decorated them.

My youngest started taking pieces of dough and making teensy pancakes which she was layering and smooshing. She said she was making a cookie for her west coast uncle.  So I got her a pie pan and let her create. She ended up with a fairly good sized lump. We baked it and then she covered it in frosting, and then piled on as much candy as she could. She was very proud in the end. It is all wrapped up special for her uncle now.

Do I have the spirit? Kinda. Maybe...maybe...

I am having fun trying to create a menu for Christmas Eve.  I love trying out new recipes.

I got a subscription to Mother Earth News for Christmas. I am inspired. I am going to get chicks next spring...maybe for my birthday! And I want to get my garden back under control. I lost it when we had the baby.  She is not even mine, but she has kept me very busy. Now, maybe she can help. If not, she is old enough to be outside without my having to watch her every moment.

I remember being 20, reading that magazine, and wanting that life. That yearning is still inside me. I want to be self-sufficient.

Never too old!!

Lots going on, but not too much to share...

Hope your home is calm and happy!!

Love and hugs from Clare

Perfect?

Hi Mags,

Yep, it's just one of those days.  My kids seemed even, now...not so even. I think we all go into drama at Christmastime.  We expect Christmas to be perfect, but it never is.  I don't think a perfect Christmas exists, nor should it.  You know this is probably from the primitive brain that believes everything we see on TV. There are visions of perfectly decorated homes, lots of gifts, perfect clothes on impossibly thin model bodies, gourmet meals, gorgeous neighbors, perfect children...even the dog is well-behaved.

In truth, we get stretched budgets, and the same old house and the same old jeans, and begging dogs and kids who think farting is funny...

Besides what I did with S#3, I haven't done anything to get ready for Christmas.  I don't really care. Someone I talked to today told me she believes the Christmas decorations redeem/renew/release our inner childlike wonder at this time of year. She encouraged me to decorate, saying the feelings might follow.

I think I am back to my annual what does Christmas really mean? What does it mean to me? funk.

I like to think we are celebrating the light, just as all people do at the darkest time of year.

But I think I would rather sleep. Maybe I am part bear.  Which side of the family do you think that comes from?

I have been intrigued by what is happening at Standing Rock. Unarmed people who cherish this planet and each other are standing up to Christian institutions who will destroy the planet if left unwatched and untended.

I am really wondering if nonviolent passive resistance - absolute submission to the pain and power - is the message of the season.  Striking back in violence justifies their retaliation.  But looking at them, seeing them, reminding them they are also human, while they are using violence hits their hearts a little.  Some of them, at least, stop and think about what they are doing, who they are being.

I am glad you are back to grieving the latest shipment of shit that has unloaded in your consciousness. It means you cleaned up the last delivery and are ready for more. You are making progress.

I don't think you have failed your foster son. You have not rejected him.  You just changed the game, while maintaining the rules.  He knows you are still there.

My young cat slipped out maybe Sunday or Monday. I have spent most of the week looking for her. Last night she came to me, so she is in and warm and purring a lot.  I think that mini-drama helped me make peace with the absence of Emily.  It has been over a week now, and I am no longer looking for her in the morning. I am used to the new balance in our pack.

So, do I decorate tomorrow? I do want to make cookies for the grandkids out west.  Will that make it feel Christmassy??

I love you and miss you...

Hugs from Clare

Joy and happiness

Clare,

The last post was a lot of questions...
I had a barium swallow this morning...
trying to see why I am still wheezing daily...
minimal reflux.
Now I have cramping through my abdomen as the barium moves through.
I then spent 2 hours with my reiki healer.
My life is kind of a mess.
I'm back into grieving all the lost parts of my life...
or, more accurately, trying not to grieve those lost parts...
so everything is coming out in symptoms...
wheezing and coughing...
fatigue...
uncertainty about my abilities...
and so on.
She wants me to begin to say "I am enough" and "I will learn my lessons through joy and happiness".
I am willing to try that. I may even get it tattooed on my wrist to remind myself.

We talked about my young man. She didn't have much specific insight. She didn't tell me I'm damned for failing. I was secretly dreading hearing something about a karmic curse on my head for failing such an important contract...
it sounds ridiculous to write that...but it's true.
I do feel as if he is still part of my life and I a part of his. I think it was very important to create a boundary and consequence for not respecting that boundary. We've been through all of this before.

The brand of essiac tonic I purchased was recommended by a naturopathic physician who is a friend of mine. I trust her. They got the CBD oil- hopefully it makes a difference. At least they can away they are doing something...I believe mama needs to be able to say that to the world.

I spent over an hour at a clothing store today- trying to use gift cards purchased from a friend to help with her son's catholic school tuition. It's a long story, but they scanned them ($75 worth) and then voided the transaction. When they tried to re-enter the cards they read as zero balance. I stood at the register, watching the manager on hold trying to figure it out...and when I had to leave to make a meeting she told me there is nothing she can do. So I ended up leaving with no merchandise and 3 blank gift cards. I was so frustrated...not even knowing who to be frustrated with. I'm supposed to go back when I have the time for them to call corporate and figure it out...I'm not sure how many hours that will take! Anyway...one of those days

Joy  and happiness...I am enough.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

How do we bear...

Hi Maggie,

Thanks for the sympathy.  Things feel sort of quiet and empty today. I have looked for Em a few times.  But it is all feeling softer.

I was thinking about lessons.  I was thinking about my relationship with Emmy which was so different from my other dogs.  The others, the border, the husky, the spaniel, especially, they all came to us as puppies.  They were always part of the family. Their particular eccentricities were part of the normal weave of each day.  They loved us with big doggy emotion, wide open hearts, joy of connection.  The border knew she slept next to my stomach. Every night she would wait until I was settled, then she would jump up and stretch out along my stomach and relax.  She was confident that this was her place.  She knew she was welcome. She knew home.

Emmy never bonded like that. She would wait until things were quiet, then, maybe, jump up on the bed, and curl up in a polite little ball down in the corner. When she got sick, I saw her looking at the bed and I got up and lifted her onto the mattress.  After that, she asked.  And her last night, rather than curling up, she stretched out and slept with her nose under my neck. She had never done that before.

She never connected with full heart and confidence because...who knows completely why, but I know damned well three months on a 3 foot long leash taught her she was not worth noticing. I could see every bone in her body when she came to me. I think even dogs can illustrate what happens to heart, to trust and love, after abuse. It never glows as bright as possible...there is always question, fear, reticence.

My friend said I am a saint for taking the dog.  I didn't need to think about it. Here was a dog that needed me, and I had the emotional and physical resources to stop her pain.  This is not sainthood, this is common decency.

I am still feeling her loss...she was such a goofy little weirdo.

My neighbor was born with her gift. It simply bubbles out of her, as it does from many in her clan.  I think she keeps it strong both by giving reads, but by respecting it and passing messages even when people think she is crazy.





Who is the friend son wants to have move in? Is he trustworthy?  Is he a drug buddy?  Is he going to influence your son positively, or join in narcissistic shenanigans?

And - ask your healer.  Has she ever commented on your relationship with your foster son?  I don't think it is done. I don't think you have failed. I think it simply transitioned.  I think this is one more instance where we try to fulfill our soul contracts, and realize that the violence of our culture causes more pain than we imagined.  It is unbearable...

How do we learn to bear it, besides numbing??? Strength??  Submission??  Is that a message of the Christ story? They are teaching us this lesson out at Standing Rock. I have so much respect for everyone there. If I didn't have to work, I like to think I would be brave enough to go...

Oh, the safety of living paycheck-to-paycheck.

I have heard of Essiac.  I know a lot of imitations are marketed under the name. I have never used it, or really recommended it.  I will look for some info to share with them.  I think he should use medical marijuana, or the oil of...I like imagining it.

Love and hugs from Clare

condolences

Clare,
You are moving me to tears. I am so attached to my animals- everyone of them is family. I actually trust animals more than I trust humans. If they attack me it is out of survival- not spite.

I am very sorry for your loss. I still feel the loss of my doodle in July. I still miss her being at the door every day when I return…
or looking me in the eye when she wanted to come along…
I feel very sad for you…
but thankful that the physical pain is over.
And you are so close to the veil between worlds…
sit in that space for a bit and just feel.
It is a very special time…
if you allow yourself to sit there.
I've never understood how people can have an animal and not consider it a part of their family. I do not understand why people take on the responsibility and then ignore it. Holding that in the Light.

My youngest just came home - late as usual. His best friend's great-aunt died. He lived with her and his mom. From interactions with his mom I think she is a meth addict. My sons sled if his friend could stay here with us. We did similar things for 2 of my older son's friends…
it worked out well.
I have to think long and hard about this.
Husband will give it an automatic NO…
we just lived through the foster son experience…
it's too much!
I don't know…
I'm touched that my son would ask…
her trusts me enough to ask.
Guidance is needed.
He is a narcissist…but he's my narcissist.

I went to a 'developing your psychic abilities' class last evening with my reiki healer. I, and the others, were not very good at being 'psychic' on demand…
My goal though isn't to do a 'dog and pony show' but to trust the guidance I'm being offered. To not fear outcomes I cannot predict or understand. I want to be open to step forward when way opens. I also asked for protection from others' negative energy. I soak that shit up like a sponge.
So I am learning to work with my abilities…
to train my 'psychic muscles' as the healer described. Have you ever asked your neighbor how she developed her talents and gifts? I'm just curious.

Last week Mama Delana called me to talk about Essiac …
he brother recommended it for Papa. I picked some up at my local store run by a naturopathic doctor and she suggested also using CBD oil. Essiac twice a day on an empty stomach and CBD under the tongue once a day. What do you know or think about that?
I'm going to send it down to them…perhaps you should offer some insight for them.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Emmy is gone...

Hi Maggie,

My old dog has passed.  I had to make the choice that today was the day, and follow through.  I did not like shouldering that responsibility.  But I am telling myself that I loved her enough to do it.  She has been getting a bit weaker each day.  This morning she could no longer use her hips, or her back legs.  She would not eat or drink.  She started crying a few times.

I sent a note to my close friend who brought her here. She promised to keep up with all the vetting if I took the dog.  She has been so true to her word.  When I sent the first note, I cried. When she responded with an appointment time after a few exchanges, I cried again.  My goal for the day was not to cry during work.  I did not succeed.

Luckily I cried while talking to a man I have been working with for so many years. He heard her whine, asked what that was. I said my dog was dying.  I asked him to hold while I took her to nephew.   I talked about what was happening, then he told me a long bittersweet story about a rescued horse named Chandler Bing.  It helped...especially since there is a happy ending.

I took a quick shower the minute I was done with work. I was standing in the water, and I remembered that the family before me had left her outside on a three foot leash for the whole summer. She was afraid of thunder and lightning...how could they do that to her...???  More tears.

She was almost 11 when I got her...three years ago.  She was skinny, afraid, nervous,unable to look at anyone's face...her head was always down.  She was never normal, not connected like a dog one raises from a puppy would be.  But when she started ripping through the screen in my bedroom window because I was out front, I knew she noticed me, wanted my company.

When someone we love dies,  we can feel the rip of their spirit from ours.

She was a good dog. She died with such grace. She is buried out back with the other dogs, she is one of us even in death.

I'm probably gong to cry for a little while longer...

Love and hugs from Clare