Wow, Maggie,
You have been slammed.
I understand about setting boundaries. It is hard, I think because we don't know this. When you are abused as a child, especially sexually, you are trained from an early age that you have no boundaries, and in fact you have no self. We all just want to be good and cooperative and do whatever we are asked, because, maybe that means we are good and acceptable, and maybe we won't even be raped.
I realized I could not even define boundaries. I needed to hear Brene say - it's simply what we will and will not allow. Easy. Well, once you learn you can say no, or maybe that you are allowed to say no.
It is so easy to say yes when someone asks for something. It's usually no big deal. It is so hard to realize we are setting precedent and making it always okay...
The weather has been so grey, so frightful, for so many days. We have been inside too. But yesterday I went for a hike with my little buddy, who is getting very strong. She can move. We took a new path through woods and pasture - maybe a mile and a half. And of course I had an encounter which led to me looking up the meaning of...kingfisher.
We were walking along the dirt road in front of my house, near the neighbor's pond. A bird started chittering and then flitted from one tree to another. I saw the dark back with a white band on the neck, then he flashed his underbelly- the opposite - white with a dark neck stripe. He chittered and moved three times, stopping to look at me, making sure I knew we were connected.
I wasn't sure what the bird was. His profile is very unique, although kingfisher crossed my mind, and was the first bird I looked up in my field guide. Then we listened to him on the Cornell Ornithology Lab site. Bingo...
http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/kingfisher.htm
a symbol of peace and
prosperity.
The Kingfisher is the promise of abundance --
I'll take it!!
You have had your hands full with boys...It does come to an end. They do grow up and move out...I'm glad my nephew was not hurt in the accident - nor anyone else.
We are going to walk to the store...1.75 miles downhill, the 1.75 miles up hill. It's always so easy to get there...
But it's a beautiful day!
Love and hugs from Clare!
Friday, April 15, 2016
Thursday, April 14, 2016
setting limits
Hello Claire,
I worked from home today…
I still worked, but I was able to relax and be comfortable…
somewhat…
my youngest stayed home from school…
his allergies were bad…
the skin in the backs of his knees is so excoriated that he was seeping fluid…
unable to sleep last night despite benadryl…
so, I had company through the day.
I was hoping for a day alone…
but it was good to see him too.
Today was beautiful…
sunny, warm, clear…
I walked about 3 miles which felt great…
except I need new shoes…
my knees are aching…
I have to get the the store to pick up a pair.
I really want to increase my outside walking again. I've been trapped inside, walking the treadmill watching an on line course I'm taking 2.5 hours each week. I am sick of being inside.
I've been considering my limits and boundaries today. I have to be active and assertive about what I am willing, and not willing, to do. I want to be considerate, but not a push over. This is hard for me…
I am a people pleaser…
I'm not an effective limit setter…
but I have to be…
or I'll be living with the repercussions for years potentially.
I saw a friend yesterday whose grandson was recently diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder which is usually fatal in childhood. She is really struggling with this. I cannot imagine if my child or grandchild's survival was that tenuous. He is slightly delayed, but is a very happy active 1 year old. But, he could die at any time of a heart arrhythmia. They put a pacemaker into his heart, hoping to avoid that outcome…but the cardiologists aren't entirely optimistic. She was saying how much she appreciates every day now.
Not much else happening.
I need to practice my reiki.
I need to channel the energy to myself and others.
Got to find the time.
I worked from home today…
I still worked, but I was able to relax and be comfortable…
somewhat…
my youngest stayed home from school…
his allergies were bad…
the skin in the backs of his knees is so excoriated that he was seeping fluid…
unable to sleep last night despite benadryl…
so, I had company through the day.
I was hoping for a day alone…
but it was good to see him too.
Today was beautiful…
sunny, warm, clear…
I walked about 3 miles which felt great…
except I need new shoes…
my knees are aching…
I have to get the the store to pick up a pair.
I really want to increase my outside walking again. I've been trapped inside, walking the treadmill watching an on line course I'm taking 2.5 hours each week. I am sick of being inside.
I've been considering my limits and boundaries today. I have to be active and assertive about what I am willing, and not willing, to do. I want to be considerate, but not a push over. This is hard for me…
I am a people pleaser…
I'm not an effective limit setter…
but I have to be…
or I'll be living with the repercussions for years potentially.
I saw a friend yesterday whose grandson was recently diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder which is usually fatal in childhood. She is really struggling with this. I cannot imagine if my child or grandchild's survival was that tenuous. He is slightly delayed, but is a very happy active 1 year old. But, he could die at any time of a heart arrhythmia. They put a pacemaker into his heart, hoping to avoid that outcome…but the cardiologists aren't entirely optimistic. She was saying how much she appreciates every day now.
Not much else happening.
I need to practice my reiki.
I need to channel the energy to myself and others.
Got to find the time.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
selfish or selfless???
Hello sister,
I am "running around like a chicken with its head cut off"…
sorry, my bad, Dad did that when we were little…
gross memory.
Anyway, I feel as if I'm juggling way too much. I've got several projects in various stages of done…
I've got the semester building towards the end…
everyone wants extra credit…
no one cared about their grades up until about 2 weeks ago.
My youngest had a minor car accident on Sunday evening…
funny thing is…
he was grounded…
not supposed to be out…
and he pulled out from a stop sign and got "T-boned"…
luckily no one was hurt…
the car's driver side is damaged pretty badly…
he won't be driving for a few weeks while it is repaired.
Great lesson…
but the bottom line is that now I have to rearrange my schedule to accommodate taking him to school, work, SAT prep, etc…
It's always something.
My work schedule is out of control. My new boss doesn't seem to have clear boundaries about her own work hours, and expects me to be as freely giving of my time too. She chooses to put in overtime on a salary- so no real compensation. I am supposed to be working 8 hours/ week and it is double that, if not more. I told her I was not working tomorrow to catch up on my university work and she seemed surprised. I have to make clear boundaries here, or I'll lose control of my own life.
I am trying desperately to hold onto some semblance of balance in my life. I am vein gulled in many directions and not sure where to cut strings. I have to spend some time looking at each string and making conscious choices. I do believe that once finals week is over I will have relief from that corner. At that point though one of the young men will probably be moving in full time- if all goes as planned. How do I balance that?
How do I transition to that, where am I selfish and where am I selfless?
I'm not sure the answer…
but I've got to remain flexible and adaptable…
that's the key to survival.
last evening I took my youngest to Sling Yoga…
yoga suspended from a lycra swing…
he loved it!
He was pleasantly surprised how much he enjoyed it.
He may even go back with me again…
I'm excited to share it with him.
I'm exhausted. I need some down time. I took the two young men to an indoor arcade last Saturday…
those loud, flashing light places drain me…
I think that's adding to my current energy crisis.
Sleep is good.
Sleep is very good.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am "running around like a chicken with its head cut off"…
sorry, my bad, Dad did that when we were little…
gross memory.
Anyway, I feel as if I'm juggling way too much. I've got several projects in various stages of done…
I've got the semester building towards the end…
everyone wants extra credit…
no one cared about their grades up until about 2 weeks ago.
My youngest had a minor car accident on Sunday evening…
funny thing is…
he was grounded…
not supposed to be out…
and he pulled out from a stop sign and got "T-boned"…
luckily no one was hurt…
the car's driver side is damaged pretty badly…
he won't be driving for a few weeks while it is repaired.
Great lesson…
but the bottom line is that now I have to rearrange my schedule to accommodate taking him to school, work, SAT prep, etc…
It's always something.
My work schedule is out of control. My new boss doesn't seem to have clear boundaries about her own work hours, and expects me to be as freely giving of my time too. She chooses to put in overtime on a salary- so no real compensation. I am supposed to be working 8 hours/ week and it is double that, if not more. I told her I was not working tomorrow to catch up on my university work and she seemed surprised. I have to make clear boundaries here, or I'll lose control of my own life.
I am trying desperately to hold onto some semblance of balance in my life. I am vein gulled in many directions and not sure where to cut strings. I have to spend some time looking at each string and making conscious choices. I do believe that once finals week is over I will have relief from that corner. At that point though one of the young men will probably be moving in full time- if all goes as planned. How do I balance that?
How do I transition to that, where am I selfish and where am I selfless?
I'm not sure the answer…
but I've got to remain flexible and adaptable…
that's the key to survival.
last evening I took my youngest to Sling Yoga…
yoga suspended from a lycra swing…
he loved it!
He was pleasantly surprised how much he enjoyed it.
He may even go back with me again…
I'm excited to share it with him.
I'm exhausted. I need some down time. I took the two young men to an indoor arcade last Saturday…
those loud, flashing light places drain me…
I think that's adding to my current energy crisis.
Sleep is good.
Sleep is very good.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Monday, April 11, 2016
random
Hi Mags,
My daughter-in-law sent me a clip from a French film called Angel-A. It seemed like a fantasy with an angel talking to a man of indeterminate everything.
She made him stand in front of a mirror and asked him what he saw and he said, nothing. She said that was an improvement because he used to see shit. She talked to him about the fact that no one had ever said they loved him and so he could not love himself. I started crying as she got him to say he loved himself in the mirror. It is the seed of all of our problems.
We are disconnected, and so we are lost from ourselves.
She talked about loving our broken bodies which have borne us through all of our lessons with no complaints.
I know, but it is hard to believe...
The other thing I am thinking about is another TED talk I listened to as I cleaned. It was a man who created Story Corps - a project for listening and recording the stories of people who are not usually listened to. People go into old age homes or prisons and ask open ended questions. Then the stories are fled with the Library of Congress. Now it is spreading out. If we did one, our great or great-great grandkids could go hear our voices, get a stronger feeling for who we were...
But the four things people want to say:
Thank you.
I love you.
Forgive me.
I forgive you.
It really does say it all. I have the hardest time with I forgive you. I find I am not holding anything too deeply...Hmmmmm...or maybe I am. Maybe I have some hurt feelings way deep, where I don't have to see or feel or acknowledge.
Something more to think on...
Love and hugs from Clare
My daughter-in-law sent me a clip from a French film called Angel-A. It seemed like a fantasy with an angel talking to a man of indeterminate everything.
She made him stand in front of a mirror and asked him what he saw and he said, nothing. She said that was an improvement because he used to see shit. She talked to him about the fact that no one had ever said they loved him and so he could not love himself. I started crying as she got him to say he loved himself in the mirror. It is the seed of all of our problems.
We are disconnected, and so we are lost from ourselves.
She talked about loving our broken bodies which have borne us through all of our lessons with no complaints.
I know, but it is hard to believe...
The other thing I am thinking about is another TED talk I listened to as I cleaned. It was a man who created Story Corps - a project for listening and recording the stories of people who are not usually listened to. People go into old age homes or prisons and ask open ended questions. Then the stories are fled with the Library of Congress. Now it is spreading out. If we did one, our great or great-great grandkids could go hear our voices, get a stronger feeling for who we were...
But the four things people want to say:
Thank you.
I love you.
Forgive me.
I forgive you.
It really does say it all. I have the hardest time with I forgive you. I find I am not holding anything too deeply...Hmmmmm...or maybe I am. Maybe I have some hurt feelings way deep, where I don't have to see or feel or acknowledge.
Something more to think on...
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, April 10, 2016
percolating
Hi Maggie,
How has the weekend been? It has been quiet here. I have been continuing to spring clean, but somehow, nothing seems different.
I went outside early, early yesterday morning, and as soon as I stood still in order to breathe deeply, a grouse started drumming. It was amazing to hear it and recognize exactly what it was. I was thinking I need to know more about drumming and/or dancing...I am organizing a contra dance for later this month. I wonder if that counts. As I was standing there, a Canadian goose started honking, and I thought about being mated for life...Then a woodpecker started drumming...again with the drumming. There was one more bird, but I have forgotten who it was...but it was a flightful experience!
I watched a qigong webinar yesterday. Someone asked the master how a specific disease was treated with qigong. He said it wasn't. Disease is seen as a contraction, and healing comes from restoring the flow of energy through the body.
It resonated with my understanding that health - physical, emotional, spiritual - comes from flow. So I am pretty excited about learning more. In this theory liver is connected with anger or with courage...there is a positive and negative aspect of each. Lungs connect to sadness or compassion. Digestive organs are tied to worry or confidence. Kidneys are fear or power. And the heart - I didn't write fast enough to know the negative, but the positive is joy and connection.
Chinese facial diagnosis shows that bags under the eyes indicate a weekend kidney...remember Grandma's face? And now, mine. And I have written about feeling pervasive fear much of the time. I know I have to work on my kidneys...
I also listened to a few TED talks while cleaning. One was about people who are original. I know that I am an original thinker, but I never make it out of my shadowy little place here. I get trapped in that place where I do not know the difference between the idea is bad and I am bad. I think I am bad and so I refuse to step out, step up..step anywhere.
Lots to think about this weekend...the result of staying home and percolating!
Love and hugs from Clare
How has the weekend been? It has been quiet here. I have been continuing to spring clean, but somehow, nothing seems different.
I went outside early, early yesterday morning, and as soon as I stood still in order to breathe deeply, a grouse started drumming. It was amazing to hear it and recognize exactly what it was. I was thinking I need to know more about drumming and/or dancing...I am organizing a contra dance for later this month. I wonder if that counts. As I was standing there, a Canadian goose started honking, and I thought about being mated for life...Then a woodpecker started drumming...again with the drumming. There was one more bird, but I have forgotten who it was...but it was a flightful experience!
I watched a qigong webinar yesterday. Someone asked the master how a specific disease was treated with qigong. He said it wasn't. Disease is seen as a contraction, and healing comes from restoring the flow of energy through the body.
It resonated with my understanding that health - physical, emotional, spiritual - comes from flow. So I am pretty excited about learning more. In this theory liver is connected with anger or with courage...there is a positive and negative aspect of each. Lungs connect to sadness or compassion. Digestive organs are tied to worry or confidence. Kidneys are fear or power. And the heart - I didn't write fast enough to know the negative, but the positive is joy and connection.
Chinese facial diagnosis shows that bags under the eyes indicate a weekend kidney...remember Grandma's face? And now, mine. And I have written about feeling pervasive fear much of the time. I know I have to work on my kidneys...
I also listened to a few TED talks while cleaning. One was about people who are original. I know that I am an original thinker, but I never make it out of my shadowy little place here. I get trapped in that place where I do not know the difference between the idea is bad and I am bad. I think I am bad and so I refuse to step out, step up..step anywhere.
Lots to think about this weekend...the result of staying home and percolating!
Love and hugs from Clare
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