spiraling

Clare,

I agree we need that levity everyday…
maybe that's a resolution to make.

This morning, as I meditated, I was moved to pull out my journals and read the February and March entries. I read back through 3 years and it is much the same…
sons are acting out…
I'm reactive…
feels like chaos…
something sets us right.
I'm spiraling…
this issue is probably SAD- seasonal affective disorder…
and I'm recognizing the pattern…
finally.
I actually pointed this out to my youngest yesterday during a talk…
and had to verify by re-reading the journals.
The spiral is at a different level of understanding, perception…
I'm not as lost…
or convinced that we are all going down…
it's livable…
and we are learning.
My youngest is on a 2 day out of school suspension…
for a multitude of minor infractions.
I am frustrated with his school…
but they must be really frustrated with my son to go to this extreme.
This will stay on his record…
he may have to explain his choices when enrolling in a college.
He broke up with his girlfriend yesterday…
things have been snowballing for him…
and he finally cracked.
I was terrified last night.
He went to the local mountain/migratory path- his favorite local place.
He said he was going to stay until well after dark.
Then his phone died before I could ask him to come back while it was light.
No battery=no flashlight…
the footing is difficult in many spots up there.
I was on my way to yoga.
I called husband and asked him to go up and find him…
and should I come back to help.
He assured me he would be ok alone and went up and found our son and several friends walking…
having a great time…
not understanding what the fuss was about.
I thought he was alone and in the dark…
he took friends and they had Light.
There is a message in this for me!
I think there's a bit of Grandma Delana in me.

The spiral is continuous.
I can't stop it.
I just have to keep moving forward on it.
I pray that I can recognize the growth and celebrate that, rather than lament that we are back at the same problem again.
Last night I heard myself think, "Stop this merry-go-round, I want to get off."
But, I really don't want off. I want peace in the circling.

I'd love a Reiki party. I will keep practicing and opening my channel.
Make me a channel of your peace…

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

eclipse a'coming

Hi Maggie...

The redwing blackbirds are back. They are back early...they're back. The redwings sing summer in my soul.  I hear them with my soul and something wakes up, and then my senses are heightened...and there they are.  I hear them with my ears, I find them with my eyes.  It happens every year. Yet every year is a surprise full of exuberant joy.

Soon we'll hear the spring peepers!  And I saw my first robin last week. But nothing compares to the redwings!

Do you know what - I disagree. I don't think we need to decompress once in awhile. I think laughter and companionship and good food should be a regular part of our lives.  But I/we can't have that when we live in isolation.

The massage was okay.  She asked if I had any stress points or physical problems for her to work on.  I said I didn't know, but that this was my first time and that I had been raped, so I was feeling real vulnerable. She asked if maybe she should focus mainly on back and neck and head, so that I could feel safe and relaxed.

As she worked on my back, I became aware that working on my body is not unlike cleaning the house.  Regular upkeep is healthy.  This was a shock for me, with my hidden Puritan roots, me who is always waiting for everyone else everything else before it is my turn.

I sort of understood the statement that the body is a temple, housing my soul, the vehicle for my soul, the part that allows me to be grounded here, enjoying the physical density, the glory and beauty of this world.

Maybe I was actually in my body for the while...

I noticed I clenched my hands together, and I clench my jaw. She said maybe next time we can work on those two areas.  Hmmmmmm...will there be a next time???

I also had the thought, as she was working the knots out of my shoulders, that for a moment the weight of the world was lifted.  Writing that makes me emotional...but in true me-fashion, the thought warped someplace strange.  I suddenly wondered how to do this for the trees, for the Earth.

I'm still thinking. Yesterday my little buddy and I walked in the woods, and instead of watching the ground - scouting for the earliest herbs, I was looking up, asking the branches for advice.

Tonight is an eclipse.  It is a solar eclipse which will be visible over the Pacific Ocean.  I have been having strange middle of the night occurrences, and so I planted a tree of flames in the middle of my little house.  It is rooted well below the basement, and stretches far above the roof. And it protects.  Let's see what happens next.

S#5 and I think maybe you should Reiki all of us in October. A Reiki party!!  I think Melvin is a sweet name.  I have known a few and they were all calm and smiling and present.

I remember being a teenager. Emotions were extreme.  I was never so high or so low.  I think maybe I miss the highs, but never the lows.  I prefer this mellow balance of being older.  And in fact, I don't know if I need those highs. Now there is a sweeter, more pervasive high.

Each stage is a gift.  But it's hard to know that while in the middle of chaos...

Hope all is well with all-y'all.

Love and hugs from Clare

appreciation

Clare,

I'm glad you had a good time…
and laughed…
ans had massage…
this weekend.
Everyone needs to decompress every once in a while.

I had my Reiki attunement…
and then practiced reiki on some friends.
It was interesting.
Not quite as dramatic as I expected…
I kind of hoped for a spectacular wave of energy to overtake me…
then I'd know I was flowing Reiki.
I got a buzzing, itchy sensation in the backs of my thighs was I was being attuned.
I have a sense of energy as I scan with my hands…
but nothing dramatic.
I guess I have to tune into subtle energy shifts.
We all found out our Reiki guides' names and a little about them-
previously human souls who guide reiki practitioners from the other side.
I think I posse dine off though-
everyone else was getting very exotic guides…
Stephano, adeline, feather, etc…
mine's name is Melvin…
he was described as Captain Kangaroo-esque.
But he was a people doctor who also practiced on animals and used energy before it was popular.
So I am talking to him as I practice.
So far he is very quiet.
I did reiki on husband last night and 2 horses this afternoon.
I'm still trying to sense the subtleties.
By the time I see you I hope to be much better at this whole practice.
Reiki 2 is scheduled for late May.

My roller coaster life continues.
My youngest is going through a tough time…
many changes…
many challenges…
many choices.
He was talking about how negative everything seems to him…
and I was reminded of how grey and dark my life was when I was depressed. I think being able to offer him insight is helpful. Hearing his description of how dark the world is made me appreciate how far I've come out of that darkness. I hope he can see the Light as he travels through this tough time.

The new job is interesting, although I am seeing how diplomatic the position has to be. My boss has to juggle situations with a smile as she quickly analyzes the situation and determines the best next step. She is amazingly flexible- if something is suggested by another she allows consensus to determine the choice. I hope I can be that flexible…
I may just say, "Too bad, we had it planned this way. Maybe next year".
I will have to watch and learn the fine art of working well with people.
We have a youth summit this Thursday- it will be a lot of work, but I think a lot of fun too.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

just - fun

Hi Maggie...

It's not really judgmental, because I did it.  I used my obligations, especially to kids, to give me an out - no matter what the situation.

I made great food.Young people did not eat a lot of it.  Her grandson was here, so my grandchildren came over, and my oldest two spent the night.  It was good because they all distracted each other.

The weekend was truly fun.  We went for massages - S#3 and I, a close friend of mine, my youngest and a close friend of hers who calls me Mom.  We all crowded into the sauna and talked. We went to lunch together. It felt nice being part of a group of connected women.

It actually started Friday evening when my friend came to help me cook. She worked with me and Nephew and although we were productive, we laughed a lot.

Dinner was filled with laughter. S#3 was relaxed.

It was just nice.

I need more times like this in my life. More feelings of connection and creativity.  I do have fun cooking, and I made a couple impressive dishes.  People over 30 were appreciative of the effort and skill.

I am mostly tired now. 

Tomorrow my life goes back to normal. I don't think I have any evening work this week, although I am available, I think...I don't understand what they are doing. Just a bit more of the stress!

Hope all is well in your life!

Love and hugs from Clare

a little bitchy

Clare,

I understand that disappointment of S#3 bringing her grandson along…
it has nothing to do with not enjoying his company…
it is about wanting her company without the distraction.
I hesitate to invite her to go out because of her responsibilities and the children. I spoke with her yesterday and she was consistently interrupted by the two older children…
they seem to demand her attention constantly. My observations are torn between her importance as an attachment figure for them- giving true stability- and their exploitation of her kindness- or rather her daughter's exploitation of that kindness that seeps into the children's actions.
I also sometimes wonder if she brings him along as a safety valve…
a quick escape if she needs to leave?
That sounds really judgmental and I should delete it- but it is honest so I'll leave it alone.

Make great food. Explain to the young man that this is an opportunity for him to be mature and pretend to be grown up. Or perhaps he could go off with his uncle while you two have your wine pairing dinner…maybe that would be a compromise.

I was watching my trauma course video today and hit on something.
One slide had 3 areas delineated- oriented horizontally one above the other.
The lowest was "hypoarousal"- collapsed, weak, sluggish, dissociated, poor cognition, poor planning, isolation, flat affect
The middle was "window of tolerance"- where we live best
The highest was "hyperarousal"- hyper vigilant, affect flooded, impulsive, racing thoughts, self-destructive
I identified with the hypoarousal state presently…
Perhaps my life is triggering me to collapse.
Perhaps I am stressed more than I admit.
Perhaps I have to bring myself back by grounding and centering on my own sensations.
Is my perception of depression- short lived periods that feel depressed- really hypoarousal?
Is this a symptom of my trauma history making itself evident?
Perhaps the idea of more teenaged boys in my life is a trigger…
and an opportunity to resolve the issues.
interesting…
something to ponder.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

no pizza

Hi Maggie,

I'm with you.  There is more kindness, and evil is the anomaly.  But the evil is what is pushed into our faces.  I'm with your son - let's find a quiet place to escape...

I read something once that talked about the violation of abuse forcing us out of our bodies.  I wonder how many of us are just hanging around, but not really in  our bodies.  I have been healing these past few years, and I'm more in my body than ever before, but I am definitely not home most of the time!

I also remember your healer talking about my pattern of sitting to the side, watching, analyzing, thinking. It's kind of who I am, I suppose.

But the dream, then thinking about being a visitor sort of pushed the whole idea in my face, and made me think a little more about who I am and who I want to be.  And what will the rest of my life be like if I don't become who I want to be.

S#3is tired, and a little overwhelmed with kids she never chose to have.  The idea was to get her up here alone, but her daughter has to work on Saturday and so the girls will go to their father and his mother.  Her son can't go there, because the girls' father is especially abusive to him.  He has returned traumatized every time.  And so he will probably come here.

We all agree the boy has to be protected, and his safety is paramount. But I will admit I am disappointed. Even if just for the stupid little reason that I don't want to hear anyone complaining about my food, and I know that will not happen.

Then I either feel resentful or I feel like I have to make something to suit everyone.

Which bugs me because I have the best time thinking of menus, considering how courses and flavors are going to build on each other.  And none of my dishes include pizza, wings, or any crap from McD!

But we'll expect the best and see what happens.

I have been working evenings as well as my usual hours, and find I'm not getting anything else done...and I'm just getting tired.

Oh well...It won't last forever.

Love and hugs from Clare

explanation

Clare,

Interesting ideas…
I have a few responses.

Maybe my dream was in that last house because Mom and Dad were there for 36 years. It is the place my children identified as a family home.  I was only ever a visitor. Kind of explains the way I often feel like a visitor.

In dreams a house signifies a soul…
or maybe in this case a body.
My mind wonders if you are a visitor in this body…
not fully connected…
ready to be triggered…
aloof…
observant…
vigilant.

This brings in the second observation about you seeing the world as divine, but perpetrators of violence are present. My son doesn't see the Earth or animals or things as evil…
he thinks it's the people that are f#$&ed up. 
He is perfectly happy with animals…
he loves nature…
but people are highly probable to be judgmental and dangerous to us.

He and I were sharing the conflict I see good with evil as the exception, he sees evil with good as the exception.
Our expectations color our perceptions.
A young man, in our town, attacked his mother this week. He threatened her with an ax and a chainsaw. He is now in jail. My son said it figures, he's an evil person- punishment in jail is what he deserves. I said he is ill and needs treatment. 

I don't think you are exactly like my son.I was trying to point out that his inclination is to find a safe place, where no one will bother him, and stay put. He fails to explore because of fear. His only true exploration has been through the use of drugs- which make him less afraid, and the desert walk- which made him fearless. I wish a bit of the fearless, trusting part persisted. I've asked him if he wants to walk again- he said he cannot do that every year to get a refresher- very true- he has to find it inside of himself. 

I haven't heard much from S#3 recently. I texted last night and got a delayed reply. I hope that she is OK. I believe you said she is coming up there this weekend- I hope you two have a wonderful visit.
I've been very busy, so I haven't invited her to do anything recently, I should reach out to her. Especially with her birthday coming up.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie