from connected hearts

Clare,

As I was watching the video about the little boy who was separated from his mother, I had a visceral reaction-tightening in my stomach- and remembered that dad left when I was very young. I have been told that prior to his extended trip to Germany, he would feed me, and I enjoyed his caring. Of course I don't remember any of this first hand, but the sense of loss and lack of attachment went directly to him, not Mom as I would have expected.

I am finishing the old job next week, Thursday, and beginning the new job next week also. I'm only seeing a few clients in the mornings, so I'm going to go into the office and start to settle in. I am attending a health fair next saturday with the executive director which is a great opportunity to meet people and network. I may be going to Atlanta in April for a conference with the director also. I'm really excited.

We had a wicked night last evening. My youngest LOST it…he told us a story of a young man at his school who raped a drunk girl over the weekend…and he was filled with rage.
He was so angry that he punched a hole in his bedroom door. About midnight he had to walk…he went for a 3 mile walk at midnight. I state up and drove to pick him up about 30 minutes later. He is so upset. I was talking to my older son about this this afternoon and he became enraged, telling me about a guy who raped a drunk girl at senior week.
I'm sick…
I know it happens…
but I'm sick to death of the violence.
I am relieved that my men are so opposed to this…
that they understand the violation…
but their response is one of further violence…
beating the other young man up, instead of getting them help.
I am going to quietly speak to the principal of the school and ask her to listen to the buzz around school…
perhaps once she is attuned she will discover who this person is.
And then, maybe, he will get some help.

This whole question of violence is so slimy, unsettling, grotesque.
I've had it.
What can be done?
"Be the change you wish to see"???
is it simply an individual pursuit?
is it something that only springs forth from an individual heart?
I think it springs forth from connected hearts…
each one opening to see the humanity and dignity of the other.

I'm exhausted…
not much sleep here last night.
Tomorrow is foster parent training classes…that could be a long day.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

onto something

And now you're onto something else...

Hi Maggie...

I just read your observation that we may be suffering from separation anxiety, so I found an article and found some info about co-morbidity with other diagnosis of psychological distress.

I thought, logically, about Mom disappearing annually to have a baby, the first time before I was quite a year old.  And Dad disappearing for a year at a time. And moving every year.

I read about the fear of being alone, and the unusual attachment. If I had any by-the-book separation anxiety, it was from my children.

I had a flash of Mom asking me to just wait.  I was the oldest, the most psychologically developed, and so I had to wait for attention, wait until she was done taking care of the baby, then the next oldest, then the next...I feel like I am still waiting. Yeah, I'm feeling the tears.

You are onto something.

I feel like I took the separation anxiety and flipped it. I have an amazing capacity to be alone.  I have an amazing capacity to avoid crowds.

Maybe I believe it will never be my turn, and so I have given up...yeah, tears...tears and pain...

I wonder where that self, that poor little sad baby-girl is hiding inside me...

When my kids were babes, I read a lot about attachment parenting, about the ways indigenous people raised their children.  I know the culture we are in is violence based, and I just wanted something different.

My instincts were good, but I was betrayed by family patterns, and the violence-generated genetic and psychological changes.  I was so arrogant. I really thought I could do better.  But I was just as damaged as Mom and Dad.

Feeling really sad...

Are you starting with both boys?  What's the plan?

Courage, my sister!

Love and hugs from Clare

separation anxiety

Clare,
It is interesting how each child is differently attached to me…
to us (husband and I).
Those differences were amplified when we were separated a few years back. I think they played us against each other. But, one of the things that kept us talking was the kids…
what they needed…
what trouble they'd gotten into…
even something really nice occasionally.

I am amazed how different 4 biologically related people can be…
but then again look at the 9 of us…
very different in many aspects.

I saw a video yesterday of a 16 month old boy placed in a residential nursery for 9 days while his mother delivered a second baby…
it was from the UK in 1940s.
They followed the regression of this little boy on film…
crying, cuddling teddy bears, tantrums, shutting down, not eating, not sleeping, clinging onto the workers…
when mom returned he wouldn't even look at her for an extended period of time. When he finally looked at her it was so painful.
The course instructor talked about how kids are often being separated from their parents…
one of your passions…
and how this is probably forgotten as an adult…
but manifested as a separation anxiety with the spouse.
I can attest to that one…
husband makes the most painful comments when I'm leaving home for a period of time…
he means well, telling how much he'll miss me and doesn't know what he'll do…
but it makes me feel guilty.
How are we all functioning with a degree of separation anxiety in this crazy society?
It would be interesting to tease that out sometime.

Our papa rework is almost complete for the young men's foster care application. We are doing an all day training this weekend. It looks like weekend overnight visits are going to start next weekend. It's exciting, and frightening at the same time.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

layers and layers

Hi Mags,

Not exactly a restful day.  My little companion was whiny and clingy. Either she is about to grow or to make a big developmental leap, or she's beginning to get sick.   I mostly held her and soothed her all afternoon.  I didn't finish my reports for work until after she went home. Then I sat at my desk, writing, with my notes and a bowl of soup.

I noticed the same groundhog phenomenon.  And I also found a statistic - the groundhog is right 50% of the time.

We are poorly attached to our parents. You got me thinking about that.  I think two of mine are poorly attached to me. We are friendly, calm, relaxed, but it seems kind of like my ex and his parents...obligatory. It was okay when we were there, but we didn't choose to go. 

But what is different is that mine are pretty firmly attached to each other.  Well three of them have a strong bond, and feel connected to the fourth. My youngest often feels outside of their loop - but she is firmly bonded to me.  So everyone has a safe place within the family.

But I do get it. I always wanted to hide.  I still want to hide. Life is safer when I hide.

I always go back to - what a waste. We are all so intelligent and multi-talented. But mostly we spent our lives just try to survive - no space anywhere to develop our passions.

Sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my kids would be stronger if I had a stronger bond with Mom.  I reach out, or she does, but I do not maintain.  Is this a form of karma?

Mom and I were close for a long time - firmly bonded. I think that was because I got kicked up to adult status whenever Dad was gone.  We used to talk a lot. I think that all fell apart after you wrote the infamous letter about eleven (?) years ago. Mom asked us to write and tell her about our pain, and so I did.  Dad stopped talking to me for about five years, and she honored his pain, rather than mine.

In Al-Anon I learned about emotional incest...when adults treat their children like peers and confidants.  Mom did that to me. I was doing it to my oldest, when Al-Anon stopped me.  It is flattering, but the dynamic is wrong.

There are always more layers to unwrap...

Until tomorrow...

Love and hugs from Clare

patience

Clare,

Good evening dear sister. I hope that you are resting.

It's Ground Hog's Day…
once, many years ago I made meatloaf on Ground Hog's Day…
shaped as a ground hog…
it made my kids laugh and gross out, simultaneously.

I am amused that the sun was brilliant this morning and yet they said the shadow was not seen…
last year it was dark and overcast, but he saw the shadow…
I am beginning to think this is a hoax!!
the crap we do for entertainment!

I will have to find that movie. It sounds amazing, and I could use a good cry.

I was viewing my on line lecture this afternoon and once concept struck me that I want to share.

If a child is traumatized they will experience repetition and reliving of the experience (consciously or unconsciously)- they get stuck in that experience and carry it to adulthood.

If a child does not attach to their parent/caregiver they experience poor communication, mood dysregulation, dissociation, poor relationships, self-harm/suicide, and addictions carried into adulthood.

When I consider our family, and its legacy, it is obvious that we carry both. We are poorly attached to our parents and then traumatized with no safe place to retreat to. We got a double whammy!
I think the step forward that we made in our generation was a better early connection to our kids- strong attachments which encouraged us to be strongly protective. I was neurotically protective of mine.

I have a foster parent training this Saturday. Husband is trying to switch his on call day so that he can also attend. If he doesn't the whole process will be delayed by about 6 weeks, until they offer another class. My older son is currently refusing to have the FBI fingerprinting done- looking for federal offenses. I'm not sure what will happen if he continues to refuse that.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone!
not really…
I just wish they were more oriented away from their own sphere and could see the big picture…
I guess they could say the same about me.
Patience is one of life's lessons this incarnation…
and so I wait.

My next meeting with the new job was postponed until Friday…
more patience.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

with boulders

Hi Maggie,

I finished watching Hector and the Search for Happiness last night and cried for about the last 20 minutes.  I'm crying a lot again, which I know is a good thing.  In the end there was a scientist who could tell whether subjects were feeling happy, sad or afraid by the portion of the brain that lit up. Hector's brain was not lighting up much at all, until there was a breakthrough and he was overwhelmed by all three at once. 

Talk about vulnerability!

There was a lot of symbolism, a lot of hidden meanings.  I have the book on my wish list, hoping I can buy it soon.  Books are so much better than movies...

The vision of the cloaks was powerful. We were all hunched under the weight. And many of us have boulders, swaying us off balance, listing to one side. And they're black, and they have hoods that shadow our faces.  You said you think we wear them so we don't have to show ourselves.  I was wondering if, with the culture we are raised in - we can't show ourselves.

I think men are oppressed not to show any emotion right from the start.  I found that with my daughters, we could sit down, face to face and talk. A lot. But with my sons - no way.  Trying to get a man to just sit, face-to-face to discuss feelings is the root of many jokes, and it does seem funny, but it's also right there, a truth of their oppression.  If I wanted my sons to talk, I worked side-by-side with them. It seems like counseling would need to incorporate that. 

I was interested in your observation of the steps of working with men.  I think, in general, that so few of us are truly listened to, that when we find someone who does, we do glamorize it into a budding romance.  I really loved your perception, that we then take the next step into deep connection.  I had noticed that, but never named it.

Using the word love does confuse things.  Without the word, we don't know if...With the word, we believe, but if there is no follow-through or connection, we are painfully confused.

Went out walking with my little buddy today. She asked if we could go into the sugar maple forest. I always forget how much I need the trees.

Very tired, and so I send -

Love and hugs from Clare

cloaked

Clare,

There's a lot to digest from your weekend.

I have to say that my experience of counseling both men and women shows some difference. It hinges on the type of relationship built. With women it's more a friend, sometimes maternal, relationship. They open up so much easier than men. That doesn't mean they don't struggle with the intimacy and vulnerability, it's just more natural for women. Conversely, there are some women who have been very hurt by their mothers and they struggle with connection to other women. The men are a different story.

Just as a preface, when I began counseling I asked to not be assigned "angry men". By experience I know that I shut down when a man is yelling or posturing in a threatening way. I ended up with many men on my case load, but 2 in particular are ex-convicts. And what I learned from them was amazing.

Men don't know how to open up to a counselor, particularly a female counselor. They try various ways of relating- maternal, romantic, intimate. Not that any of them ever crossed boundaries, but the process almost always flowed through that sequence. First they talk like you're their mom…telling details, but no emotional content. Then they confuse your willingness to listen with their romantic partners- "my wife won't listen to me like this". After they realize this is not a budding relationship they opened to a deeper level of communication, sharing their intentions, motivations, emotional responses.

I think the image of cloaking is powerful, the experiences (traumas) are a mantle that we wear- very heavy in some cases. I think we use those stories as a cover so we don't have to show our true self to others. They allow an isolation…
a valid isolation in their mind.
I remember when I first began to desire a deeper intimacy with the divine…I meditated on how to allow the Divine into my very core. During one meditation I visualized getting into a bath of the Divine…
first I got naked…
then I sank into the space…
I let it totally surround me…
penetrate my cells…
what a wonderful experience that was.

The protection that surrounds our hearts…
put into place by difficult experiences is meant to be a challenge of growth.
It's not meant to be permanent…
it is mean to be circumcised through deep, inner work.

I remember the first reiki session I had…
my heart chakra was protected and separated by many doors…
all slammed and locked shut. Guarded by none other than Dad's spirit.
The last time my heart chakra was described it was a light filled space with stained glass at one allowing light to stream in…
much better for my life.
I am still amazed at how connected I am to that soul, despite the difficult and confusing feelings wrapped up in that relationship.

I had my two boys and my two young men yesterday. I had a lot of work to do to prepare for this week's classes, so I didn't spend much time interacting, but the boys were all interacting. My older boy was in an unusually light mood- very entertaining for the other 3. It was good to see those bonds forming.
The two young men and I ran into the couple who had previously rejected them (dad's girlfriend's parents). It was confusing for them. The couple accused them of stealing from them and broke off all communications. They haven't seen them in months. When we turned up an aisle and there was the 'grandmother'. She approached them freely, hugged them, and told them how much she loved them. Then she turned and walked away…
no asking how they were doing…
no asking who they were with…
just a quick whammy of "i love you"…
with no actions to back it up.
The young men and I talked about it after we left the store. The older said he felt really homesick for a moment, but it passed. The younger said he wanted to ask them why? why did you lie about us?
It was actually a really good discussion. I am afraid they are going to be confused by the idea of what love really means. I haven't said those words yet because, despite feeling it, I don't want to confuse them. I want them to relate the words with consistency and positive feelings- not confusion.

Anyway,
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie