Never solo

Hey Love,

Life is full of lessons, and I think you have inadvertently hit on a big one.  Maybe we are not supposed to fly solo. Remember the fledgling robin I watched? She had to leave the nest and fly alone. And not one, but both parents were there witnessing, encouraging staying with her. Your healer is holding you together on a spiritual level. I am here, psychologically - you are in my heart every single day.  Your husband is there physically and emotionally - and if he's not, ask him to call me.  I can talk him through this partner stuff.  My kids will tell you, I am good!

And maybe you are disintegrating as a way of releasing your breasts.  It might not be all bad.  Again, as you go through this process, you have a loving healer to hold the pieces.  Nothing will be lost during this life episode.  No soul retrieval will be necessary.

The soul retrieval is a six week process.  I am not sure if we really get hit with all our lost bits at once.  But if so, we work together - we talk and talk and analyze and welcome and accept ourselves and each other.

From here, I am not sure how much you have dissociated your mind from your body.  I see you moving from being very logical and practical, which is dissociated, and is necessary, to moments of panic and facing the absolute, inescapable reality of surgery and losing both breasts, then having new ones formed.  I think this is necessary.  It would not be healthy to stay in either mindset, and you need both.

Are you going to have a sticky, gooey, no more braces celebration dinner? 

If all goes as planned, I will be with my son's family the middle two weeks of August. I'll keep you posted.

I love you,

Clare

A little help from my friends...

Clare,

The idea of soul retrieval sounds fascinating…
but what will we do with all of the pieces bombarding us simultaneously?
We have packed away bits and pieces of ourselves in order to live with ourselves…
how traumatic would it be to have it all back in 3 sessions?

I am being quite serious.
I saw my reiki healer yesterday…
I have disconnected my mind from my body again because of this disease.
I am disintegrating in order to handle it…
to survive.
She reassured me that she would just keep putting the pieces back together…
as long as it takes.
I want to be whole…
I want to be solid enough that I don't disintegrate with each threat…
I thought I was stronger and healthier at this point in my life.
Yesterday was a good reminder that I am very early on this journey to integrity…
not yet mature enough to "fly solo"…
I get by with a little help from my friends.
And that is a good thing…
community…
interdependence…
wholeness from sharing strengths and weaknesses…
vulnerability…
trust.

Today my youngest is having his braces removed…
a milestone…
last child is finished…
less appointments…
less restrictions…
yeah.

When are you planning on going west? I hope sometime this summer. You enjoyed yourself so much during your last visit. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Love and Light,
Maggie

Grammy's fam

Hi Maggie,

So I ate sugar again today.  I am logy, I don't feel like working in the garden, when before sugar I was so excited every day.  I don't even feel like going outside.

It's poison, but it's such a sweet poison - so sweet I can pretend it's not.  I guess that's the part where it numbs my brain.

I guess I'm also just tired. My youngest's schedule changed, and so I watch the baby on both of my days off.  It seems I am in complaining mode!

I had a couple Grammy moments.  I was talking to someone about my pattern of sending things late.  I am great at getting things packed, but terrible at getting them in the mail. Then I remembered we always got cards late from Grammy.  I decided it is genetic.  I was also talking about knitting, and I physically remembered sitting all snuggled up to Grammy when I was about 12 or 13, learning to knit. 

I am hoping to get out west to visit my son and his family and remembered when Grammy moved out to Cali to help Aunt T.  We only saw her every few years after that.  I knew, when my son and his family moved west, the same would happen again.  I haven't seen them for two years and I hate it.  I hate having them so far away.

Family patterns.

Mom told me once that Grammy's sister, Aunt Ruth, used to plant potato peels with eyes in them.  And potatoes would grow.  And I have been thinking a lot about their brother who died at the Battle of the Bulge. An immigrant family sacrificed a son.

For some reason, this family is with me.  I wish I knew more. There had to be violence and/or alcohol or Grammy would not have married Grampa S.  And something weird was going on or Mom would not have been so frightened of sex.  And she never would have married into Dad's family.

Grammy had Sami heritage.  Someone told me these people were treated as badly as the Native Americans have been treated here. And their records were not seen as valuable enough to be kept.  That could be the root of some of the violence.

 Oh, and yesterday when I said we should do a soul retrieval, I meant you and me us.

How are things in your home?  Please keep me posted.

Lots of love from Clare

soul retrieval?

Hi Maggie,

I had ice cream for dessert tonight - it was special birthday ice cream. That was my justification. Now I feel awful.  I can't eat sugar.  I have to face that fact and be strong.

Last weekend I went to an all day herbal conference.  This was more for inspiration than education.  I had the baby with me. I attended parts of 3 separate workshops. And I spent time walking the babe. During lunch, she put her foot in my food.  Remember those days?

Anyway, the third workshop was a drumming/shaman journeying session.  I wanted to go, but decided not to because it's hard to relax and concentrate with a a baby.  But a  friend went to the teacher and asked her opinion - would a baby be too disruptive? And so we ended up going to the session.  By the way, a baby is too disruptive.  I got into the first meditation, which involved visiting a garden.  But, the point is a conversation I had with my friend.

My friend and I have known each other for about 15 years.  She knows all of my kids, she understands our family dynamics.  She is someone I can talk to and not feel weird or judged.  She has been visiting a shaman/healer.  The healer does three sessions with each client.  The last session is a soul retrieval.  My friend knows you have breast cancer, and asks about you often.  I told her we had been talking about shamanism and soul retrieval.  She said we should just do it...we should do the sessions, which are each two weeks apart, and go through the soul retrieval.

Thoughts?  I'm willing!

Your son's challenging your sanity and memory are classic deflective maneuvers. When you stop to consider his accusations, he can escape. You know you are not crazy, and you know they will lie to get you off their backs.  His breakdown was perfect.  It leads to a breakthrough - almost every time.  This has to be a really scary time for him. I am glad he has decided to see the Reiki healer.  She seems to have good insights.  I thought about her this weekend when S#3 was here overnight. I remembered
our session and our stories as sisters.

The Friend who stared probably saw vulnerability streaming from you.  And you are lovely...

I have moments of logic about your upcoming surgery.  Then I have moments of emotion.  It seems surreal, then it seems frighteningly real. And I'm just a bystander. You are the one facing this.  We are here to support, but ultimately you face this battle alone.  My heart is with you.  I wish the rest of me could be there too.

I love you and miss you,

Clare

Equanimity and Balance- not yet

Clare,

I definitely recognize those patterns. When I was not working, I did everything for the kids. While at work husband would take over. I remember coming home from work, with the first baby, and he would be walking around the condo with her in a backpack, she cried if he took her out. Many times, at the beginning she would be crying, as soon as she would see me she would stop crying and smile. He would grab the dog and leave for a walk.
It reinforced that he wasn't enough for her…
I had the food source and she never took a bottle.
This set the stage for all 4 kids…
and I loved it…
I loved being the primary source of fulfillment for them…even though it was exhausting…
but he has always allowed and expected me to take care of all of their needs.
I recognize this and own it.

My anger is dissipating…
but it has spewed forth to the kids.
My youngest threw a bat after striking out yesterday.
He threw it so hard it went over the backstop…
luckily landing in weeds and not hurting anyone.
He refuses to see that this could have hurt someone…
he just keeps saying it didn't so stop worrying.
We talked for quite a while…
he finally broke down and cried and briefly expressed his anger and confusion over the cancer and his father's injury.

I am concerned about both boys smoking pot regularly again.
The oldest is out, every day with his friends who smoke.
The youngest was smoking a "blunt" in his room at 2 am on Saturday morning.
I heard a loud bang…
went to investigate and when I opened his door the air smelled like pot.
He spent most of Saturday telling me I was insane…
making stuff up in my head…
He had me questioning my judgement…
But, yesterday after he broke down he brought me half of a cigar that smelled of pot…
they remove the tobacco and put pot into the wrapper…
But there was no apology.
He did agree to see a counselor and my reiki friend…
that's a step in the right direction.

This morning I ordered 2 camisoles with breast support and small pockets to carry the post-op drains. It made surgery seem more real. I am moving closer to it, everyday. I meet the plastic surgeon on Friday. I also have pre-admission testing and the anesthesia interview…then 2 weeks later I will lose my breasts. I stop myself, almost every day, from worrying that this is the day that tumor is going to take a trip out of my breast and set up residence somewhere else... 2 months of waiting is just too long. But, I am getting healthier every single day with exercise, diet and meditation. I have decided to listen to a CD meditation by Jack Kornfield on Equanimity and Peace…trying to train myself to be able to relax and balance in the face of fear and anxiety. It will be a tremendous help.

I had a strange encounter yesterday after Meeting…a Friend who I've known for 5 years pulled me aside. He said he needed to apologize to me. I was confused. He said that last week he found himself staring at me for a long period of time, "you were so lovely to behold". Well, I was flattered, creeped out and embarrassed simultaneously. I am still trying to decipher the meaning of all of that.

I am glad you had such a nice family time yesterday. Thank you for being here, meeting me regularly. I come to this spot as a lifeline, now more than ever before.

Love and Light,
Maggie

Family dynamics

I think the women you are treating is a sort of angel.  She is magnifying the effects of childhood trauma so you can't possibly mistake it or not notice it. Seeing it in her means you can see the reflection in you, in our family. The words you want her to believe are the words you must accept and believe.

I have been thinking about you all day.  I think when we are raised by men like our father, we are on guard, fearful.  It seeps into our adult life.  I know I did not completely trust my ex with the kids, and I stepped in, feeling like I was the only one who could love and protect them.  And so he left me with them, more and more. I was part of the process of him stepping and standing outside of family. But -- I of course chose a man who would willingly accept this role.

I think your family dynamics are similar.  Now you have to open way for your husband to take over and parent and nurture, to trust him to make decisions and follow through with your sons.  I remember the weekend you visited, they called you repeatedly when their dad was right there.  It reminded me of our pattern - the belief that only Mom has a clue.

Open way, and then you might have to push him in!  But he can do it. If he/you want a marriage, he'll get in there and man up!

But you need to be taken care of.  And if you need to come here, do it. The back door is never locked.

I was at a barbecue at my oldest's. There was a moment when it felt like a movie. My children were passing the baby around, interacting with old friends and family. It was just nice. But it made me miss my oldest son. I wish he and his family were part of tonight's circle.

Tomorrow is the girls' birthday.  Thirty-four years ago, right now, I was still in labor!  That was a long weekend. And tonight, I pushed the stroller up to her house - about 2.5 miles, and when I walked in,she was standing by her house, and she looked so womanly. She looks very much like my mother-in-law.

But then we had a sibling moment. Everyone has been encouraging the baby to walk. Tonight she took three steps from her aunt to me.  And my oldest told my youngest, who felt hurt to have missed it.

Yep, we're a family!

I love you.  If you need me, just ask.

Love from Clare

Still angry

Clare,
Thank you for validating my feelings of anger…
and not telling me to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

I made my boys sleep at home last night so they would be here and rested to help today. Both gave me about an hour's battle about how unrealistic I am…
Their pattern is to stay at someone's house…
not sleep…
and then spend the following day napping while I am out working.
When I explained that to them they PROMISED that wouldn't happen…
even though each had ignored jobs given to them for the past few days.
The youngest was so obnoxious I almost packed and came to your house…
I told him I felt like leaving…
he threw back at me the times he's wanted to run away and I've stopped him…
not in a nice, genuinely concerned way…
but- you stopped me so don't be a hypocrite- way.

I hate this time…
I hate feeling as if I am being directed towards vulnerability and they are fighting and resisting it even more than I am. The old lessons of "you're only valuable if you are serving" are rising up and slapping me in the face. And I am supposed to walk into this and welcome it? This is so hard. It is so hard to say to them I need your help…and have them tell me all of the other activities that are more fun and appealing to them. Why can't they just see that I want them to simply want to be with me, to show they care by working along side of me, talking with me, it would be nice to laugh together.
Last weekend Mom called…
she caught me after a glass of wine so I talked a little more than usual. She asked what she could do for me. I could not bring myself to ask her for anything, except to encourage all of you siblings to have the genetic test and insist on a breast MRI if there is a mutation. She has helped me once in my adult life, when my third was born. And then Dad only gave her a few days to be at my house.
I used to hate him for hoarding her…
until I realized that she allows him to act like that…
she doesn't stand up for herself or her children's needs…
what a great role model.
I don't know what to think about anyone anymore.

I feel very uneasy allowing acquaintances to help when my own family won't…
but they are the ones who are sincerely offering.
What is the lesson in all of this?

The woman from yesterday was the personification of my internal world as few years ago. She was the image of how I felt…
tightly wrapped up- protecting every part of herself.
She was so uneasy she was rocking to self-soothe.
As I interviewed her, I identified with so many of the things she said- although hers was like mine on steroids.
She is an obsessively orderly, cleaning freak…
She can't sleep at night for fear of someone coming in to harm her children.
She hates to see people drunk or high and feels threatened by them.
She has been to jail 3 times for protecting herself against a perceived threat from men. SHe assaulted them before they could hurt her or her children.
She never uses substances for fear she will let her guard down.
She has only ever loved her children.
She trusts no one.
She relies on no one.
As we were going through the interview she would say things that caused a visceral reaction in me…
I don't know if she was triggering me or if I was picking up her energy and sensing her internal struggle.
I just wanted to go back to her little girl self and protect her…
the way we all deserve to be loved and protected.
I wanted to change her past.
I don't understand why children have to suffer like this…
and grow up into suffering, wounded adults…
only to perpetuate the cycle…
she assured me that she has never hurt her children…
she has broken that cycle for her kids…
but she fears she has taught them to be afraid.
All of this is very painful to think about and write.
I keep telling myself, "there, but for the grace of God, go I".
My story is bad…hers is horrendous.
I hope that she heard me when I told her she was not inherently bad…
I truly hope so.

Thanks for listening/reading.
Love and Light,
Maggie