Let your Light flow...

Yeah, he scared me twice. Once he said he didn't have gas money to get them home, and you stepped in and brought them back.. Thank you again.  The other time I didn't have a woodstove in the cabin yet, and it was getting cold.  He got all parental and said they could not be there, he needed to take them and protect them. He called about three days later and whined that I had to get them out of there.  I think he had them for one week that time.

Looking back, it is easy to see he never really wanted the responsibility of day-to-day parenting.  (Best friend from college termed it "Uncle Daddy".  Hers was the same.) He just liked the occasional dad-fest and the public status of being the dad of some really great kids.

But in the middle of the drama, it is harder to see that.

I was telling a story about my youngest granddaughter, who is a coin hoarder. No one can quite figure out where she stashes her cash, but she goes cushion diving after her daddy, especially, sits on the couch - or even better, after he naps.  I was laughing, and a friend said, "Well, after all she is a Delana."  I asked why, and she the family was known for intelligence mixed with a bit of mischief. I said it was not mischief, it was critical thought.

She rolled her eyes.

You have gotta do something no one else wants to do, so they leave you alone!  I definitely sense that you need some down time. Maybe drive reeaaalll slow to go to work??  Clean something gross? Pack???  Let some Light flow through you before you talk about being a Friend!  And let some Light flow through you...anyway!

I have been thinking about death a lot, about snapping the cord between two people when one transitions to another level of being.  I have been thinking about the pain of that. I know another bond forms. I wonder if we delay that formation by being unable to climb out of grief.

But this weekend, I had my granddaughter, and she was missing her mother, and she was worried.  I wondered if, especially when we are very young, if not seeing mama, our primary attachment, is like a little death.  I wonder what happened to that bond.  Does it get stretched to the point that it has no flexibility? Does it get holes in it? Are there gaps? 

I have no idea where I am going with this, but my little one's fear inspired my imagination. It is probably also because I am feeling the impending loss of Dad. What is the state of our bond?  I still feel like mine is detached, but always waiting for the smallest sign of interest.  But that has weakened so much over the years.  Now when I Skype, I don't notice as much when he ignores me.  I am not really thrilled when he chooses to acknowledge me.  But there is something in me that wishes he thought I was of any value...anything at all.

So the broken little girl lives on!

Back to the festival ground this morning.  It is time to clean up.  Then it disappears back into the mist...or if we are lucky, it will dissolve in a really good thunderstorm!  (We really need rain, here.)


Love and hugs from Clare