Aha!

Hey Maggie,

Keep treading, maybe try a doggie paddle...I am holding you in the Light, hoping everyone comes to a loving place.

With your youngest...he chose you to be his mother.  You are mutual teachers. Trust yourself. Work from love and not frustration - or anger.  None of mine were ever as headstrong as he is, so I don't have insight to share.  I just have a shoulder to help you bear it and a listening heart.

With your new youngest - he has probably been moved so many times, rejected repeatedly.  Of course he does not trust that you will accept him, love him, be there for him.  It is classic to try to push people away, so your inner victim can say - See, I knew it.  I knew I was not good enough.

But I sensed a bit of judgmentalism in your account of his daydreams.  If it is there, he knows.  He knows you are frustrated, that he is not good enough.  Let him have his fantasies. That's where I escape when the world is not welcoming. 

You can give him tools, but you can't make him use them. If the tool is available, he will pick it up when he has the right strength.

I think those kinds of daydreams led to The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  Remember James Thurber? Maybe that is the novel your boy has in him. Don't squelch him, even if it seems infantile to you.

Perhaps he was traumatized at age ten, and got stuck. Perhaps you are providing a safe place where he can look at where he is and prepare to move forward.  Trust the journey, enjoy the ride.

Introduce him to new things that open his mind.  Does he do martial arts? Maybe the teacher could introduce him to Kaizen. I just read about that for the first time today.

I had a committee meeting tonight, where I had a big, fat Aha! moment.

I know of two situations where people said unkind things. In both cases the person who received the unkind thing is harboring that wound.  Both are asking for help to heal that wound.  People are listening to them, but it doesn't seem to help. It came to me that they each need to be listened to.  But, I thought they needed to be listened to by the person who offended.

It seemed to be an answer.

But tonight, I realized I let go of victimhood years before my ex listened and apologized. It was a gift when he did, and I treasured it, but I no longer needed it. I had left it all behind.

So if he was not the one who listened, allowing me to heal...and obviously, Dad never listened. Who listened to me? 

I did.

I listened to myself.

Then a Friend asked, "Where was God in that?"  -  "or however you perceive the divine..."

(Am I that transparent?)

So how does this connect to finding closure with Dad?  Although miracles happen, and I am open to that, I really don't think Dad will be able to talk to us about what happened to him as a child, and how it affected him, what compulsions it led to in his fathering.  I don't think we are going to get that kind of closure.  Expecting that will only make his letting go harder.

So how do we support each other with love and integrity and faithfulness?

My thoughts are roiling...

And I am exhausted...


Love and hugs from Clare