chills

Hi Love,

I got the chills when I read your account of your dog's passing.  It was so beautiful...such a gift. I had my hand on my husky when he breathed his spirit out and was free.  It is such a terrible beauty.  I think that passing snaps the connection from heart-to-heart.  I think that is what hurts so much.  But it is so deeply amazing to be there when they transition...

You are blest...you have been blest. You are lucky, because you know it.

I never ever had the illusion that family became real after I left.  I just know that some of the family patterns changed as the older sibs moved out.  So some of what was normal for you was not part of my life.  And some of my experiences and perceptions are not yours.

I had a dream two nights ago that has been haunting me. I saw a young girl.  Someone showed her a strand of pink pearls.  She reached out to touch them, and had her hand cut off for stealing.  Those who punished said the pearls were valuable, she had no right. She replied that they were only valuable because the people in power valued them.  Then she asked why, when they came and stole the land they were brave and noble conquerors, yet when she but touched their pearls she was a thief.

Then last night I could not sleep, and so my mind went into overtime.  I wondered why I do not/can not love myself, why it is so hard to accept that someone might love me. I started thinking about being objectified when young, which is part of abuse.  The person bearing the abuse is like a basket for the more powerful person's pain.  We sort of learn young that we are not real. 

I thought about the way I keep people at a distance, and it sort of dawned on me that this might be the way I love myself.  I am protecting myself.

Weird...it made more sense in the dark of the night.

Sending love to you and your daughter and your beloved dog, who will always be with you...

Love and hugs from Clare