a memory

Good morning Little Sister,

I am tidying up as I wait for S#3 and her grandkids to arrive.  I probably won't check back in here until Monday.  Niece will arrive tonight or tomorrow morning, after she works. I am hoping to get her advice about what to do with this haircut. I really like it.  And after the stylist was finished, I loved it. But when I try it myself...well, something is missing.  Like, style.

I am listening to Jay Ungar and Molly Masan as I clean.  I think they may be my new favorites.  They make me want to play my violin!

I am glad you listed the Kublar-Ross stages. I am familiar with this information, but it was not in my accessible memory!  I think you are right.  Mom is starting to go into the denial stage. Not hard to do, since we are all experts in this family.

We do have to be present and kind.  We have to be present and kind with Mom and with each other.  We will all have a lot to process, unless we stay numb.

I feel like I am still clinging to numb.  It has been my way of dealing with Dad's ongoing rejection.  Don't let him in, don't feel him.  I am still trying to sink into childhood memories and find those places of connection with him, of being happy when he was home, of daily pleasure...

And I just remembered one. This may be the start of my softening.

When I was 7, when we lived in the house where S#3 was born, Dad took the oldest of us out into the backyard to teach us how to play baseball. I was up first. I hit the ball and I ran to first base.

First base was a folding chair. The bases were each something householdy-unique.

I was on first, and B#2 did something that distracted the outfield, and Dad yelled at me to steal base.

I looked at him.  Steal the base?  He encouraged me again, "Steal the base!"

So I picked up the chair and ran.  He asked what I was doing...I'm stealing it.

After the shock, everyone laughed. It was a silly, joyful moment.

Okay, so now I have this, let's follow the thread, and find that Daddy.  I don't want to pretend the other did not exist, but let's reconnect with this Daddy, too.

Happy Anniversary!  I still remember your wedding.  You lost so much weight your gown was slipping off your shoulders.  You were shocked that I bought a black dress.  Your wedding party all arrived at the reception with Blues Brothers shades...Everyone was involved, everyone was included.

Have fun, and enjoy each other!

Love and hugs from Clare