desperate

Clare,
I know what you say is true.
I do.
I also know that raising these young men is harder than I've ever experienced before.
Husband is committed to the older young man…
not certain that we can offer what the younger one needs.
At this point I feel as if we are in and need to see it all through.
I get frustrated because my young man says, repeatedly, the things he will do…
and never follows through.
I don't want to be the one pushing all of the time.
I also don't want to have him sitting here, still daydreaming, at 30.
My "inner Papa" has been appearing at times…
it's rather uncomfortable I must say.
His way- pushing and threatening- is easier…
but does nothing for our self-esteem or development…
but it got results…
even if the results were less than great.
Where am I and where am I headed?
I don't even know.
When I was led to offer a home to these young men I thought way would open..
I thought that we would figure each other out and then move forward collaboratively.
The reality is me pushing, cajoling, cleaning up messes, nagging, disciplining…
not really enjoying myself very much.
I think that's the hardest part…
I'm not enjoying myself…
life is a chore…
I sound like S#3 right now…
or at least my perception of S#3.

My youngest lost his temper last week. He cursed, called me every demeaning name he could come up with, let the air out of my car tire, and then punched and kicked the back door out of it's frame. He wants a new car and he wants his grounding to end.
He doesn't see that his choices are the reason for the grounding.
It's all just a whim of husband and I…
aimed at ruining his summer.
It's ruining my summer.
I begged B#4 to come over on Friday to replace the door…
luckily he could adjust his regular job and spend the day here replacing the back door and a garage door that my youngest destroyed several weeks ago…
$1,000 tantrum.
B#4 advised us to look into therapeutic boarding schools…
as did his former Arizona program director…
we are seriously considering sending him to one for his senior year.
It breaks my heart to have him away from here…
but he says he needs to be away from us…
and I am becoming afraid of him…
afraid to confront him about drugs and sneaking out…
I'm becoming paralyzed and 'grounded'.
I am so sad to be in this space.
I cannot believe that he is this unstable.

I have spoken to one school in Utah…
recommended by the Arizona program.
I am waiting to hear from another on win Utah.
There is one near you- have you heard anything about it?
I am hoping to have enough information to speak with him by Wednesday…
and then make a decision.
I've arranged for him to work at this school for service hours and to fill his time this coming week…
trying to relieve some of the boredom and mischief…
I am not optimistic that he will go and work.
His foot ball coach has agreed to take him under his wing- he's the school's maintenance man…
he has heard bits and pieces of the problems and doesn't want to lose his star football player…
so he's motivated to help us.
I don't believe that will be enough…
I don't think I'm enough for him anymore…
I am making things worse…
antagonizing him…
asking those questions that set him off…
"What's in the locked safe?" that he keeps in his room.
"Where did you sneak off to?"
My life is too much right now.
Stop the world I want to get off!

Vacation is 2 weeks away…
it should be a highlight…
I'm worried about all of the things that can go wrong this year.
I'm really angry that my life is at this point right now…
What lessons are in this for me?
What am I supposed to be learning that I'm not…
so this just keeps replaying until I get it?
I want to learn and move on to a better place and space.
I would run away if I thought I could outrun this crap.
I've been remembering the past…
when I decided to separate from husband…
one of my thoughts was, "at least I'll have every other weekend to myself"…
which never came true- my daughter#2 never spent time at dad's apartment.
I was so desperate for time alone…
and I'm there again.
desperate is a good word for how I'm feeling.
I resent my responsibilities. I'm desperate for relief.
I resent my family when they need something from me. I need them to be self-sufficient.
I resent them for not stepping up and helping me. I am desperate for them to take some of this burden.
The oldest tries, but they are all running away because my youngest has made it so damned uncomfortable to be in this house.
Husband comes home from work each day, changes his clothes, and takes a long walk in the woods…
and then begs for time alone with me.
"We never spend any time together."
I want to slip away too…
but, I've always been the responsible one…
it is my role.

I know you cannot change any of this…
it helps to vent though.
Just keep listening.

Love and Light beautiful sister.
Maggie