getting along

Clare,

We are on the island…
24 hours into our visit.
Everyone is getting used to each other's vibe…
idiosyncrasies and unique habits.
Sometimes things are said that offend…
but it is a good lesson in tolerance.

D#2's boyfriend is very grounding and level headed…
he gets her, but calls her out then she's being dramatic.
S#1's girlfriend likes to start little battles…
she'd very maternal- she likes everyone to get along…
but she's sharp tongued and cuts others down to pull them into line.
I am trying hard to guide her through example and gentle suggestions.

The youngest- young man- got into the ocean for the first time today. He, unfortunately, lost his glasses in the first 10 minutes at the oceanside. He tried to go under without taking them off and the ocean was turbulent today. He loved jumping waves and frolicking in the ocean. Both husband and I went in with him…we aren't sure how strong a swimmer he is. He is signed up for a basket ball camp 3 mornings this week- he is thrilled. It will be good to give him his own activity and allow him to meet other kids here. He loves basketball, so it is a win-win solution. He has been hanging with my youngest who really needs some solo time- he's a lot like me.

My oldest asked each of us what we were looking forward to on the island as we ate dinner last evening, waiting for the ferry. I replied I was looking forward to be physically active- enough to be able to sit on the beach in the afternoon without moving around and also sleep well at night. I started today with a 3.5 mile walk and then biked 2 miles for a coffee. I played in the ocean for quite a while and am, indeed, ready to sleep well tonight.

No real lessons today- except seeing each person for who they are and loving them as they are. Each of us has our own unique way of handling pressure, mine is not the only right way- sometimes it's not even the right way. living together is a challenge…
but we are able to figure it out if we really want to.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

island-dreaming

Here's hoping this finds you on the island, toes in the sand, face to the sunshine, the ocean in your ears!

The incident with your youngest was an opening.  It felt spiritual, he was reaching for you.  I hope you can hold the thread he tossed you.

How about your new youngest?  What is he thinking about the island?

I worked a few hours yesterday and today. It sucks when one does not have paid holidays, but it is the American way.  I am trying to get ahead before I go. I was really worried about not being able to make it, but yesterday someone I did some editing for asked how much he owed me. I love when Spirit intervenes and way opens. 

And nephew said of course he would move in and take over with the animals while I was gone.

Life is good...or at least okay.

And life is going forward - nothing new. Kind of tired, so no inspired thought.  Dreading the bus ride, but looking forward to seeing my kids.

It rained a lot yesterday, giving me hope that the drought is over.

Really not much to share. So I will wait for your next post, and hope for some inspiration.

Island-dreaming from afar...

Love and hugs from Clare

preparing

Clare,

Sorry, I've been rushing to get organized for tomorrow's trip…
I've neglected my routines.
I plan on taking my computer along, so I will check in regularly. I hope I have dolphins to report about.
I am stressed, as I usually am prior to a trip.
10 of us going this year…
all of my kids + 2 significant others+ a friend.
I hope it all goes well.

My oldest's significant other is not going along this year…
she is meeting his family near to the island next week for a second week at the beach.
We will miss him…
but he isn't thrilled with our island…
he wants more night life and excitement.
I suggested he might like it more after they have kids and he agreed that is probably true.
I'm trying to invite and welcome their significant others with out forcing family on them.
I hope they come because they feel loved.
Daughter #2 is bringing her boyfriend…
he came along for part of the week last year.
Son #1 is bringing his girlfriend…
her first time to the island and spending a prolonged period with us.
She is very sweet…
seems to have a love/hate relationship with her mom…
she is always sweet and comfortable to be around here…
I am looking forward to having both of them.
My young man is very excited…
he thinks he's been to a beach before…
but cannot really remember it.
I cannot wait to see his face when we get there and the ocean is right there as splendid and vast as his imagination.
He's been isolating again…
avoiding real contact…
going through the motions…
resentful of any suggestions or directives.
We talked about it today.
I think we need to continue the conversation over this next week on neutral territory…
if the island can be considered neutral…
it is magical…
and special.

I had a very strange experience the other night.
My youngest woke me at 2 am…
terrified…
he asked for my help…
told me he had a drug problem and cried, asking for help.
He was having a bad trip…
a lot of paranoia and anxiety…
terrified…
but able to be calmed.
I've never been with anyone who was tripping- good or bad.
I sat with him all night….
slept lightly for about an hour in the wee hours of the morning…
husband found me there…
confused…
I explained…
the youngest has cleared everything out…
he had enough.
I hope it lasts…
I think it will wear off…
but we're ok for now.

Anyway…
I have more to do…

I will check back in on Sunday.
Love and Light beautiful sister.
Maggie

PS- if you want to watch my Quaker interview the link is on the Book of Face. Let me know what you think if you watch. I was asked to come back for an hour talk show with 4 ladies- kind of like the View- in August.

foxy

Hi Love,

How are you?  I have suddenly gotten a bit of energy.  It may be because it is a little cooler.  It might be because I started adding motherwort to my morning blend.

I talked to Mom for about an hour yesterday.  I could not tell if she was enjoying the talk, or if she was wishing I would stop talking...but it was reminiscent of when my kids were young.  We used to spend time on the phone together.  Anyway we were on Skype. About 45 minutes into the talk, Dad leaned forward from his chair behind Mom, and waved at me.  A touch of acknowledgment! I asked how he was, he said he couldn't hear me.  Perfect!

My ex's sister spoke with my youngest, advising her that she needs to make amends with her dad, because you never know what will happen. My daughter said she had had a sense of impending doom, and that her aunt's words made her cry, later, when she allowed herself to feel it.  So she called her dad.  Then I sent him some recent grandkid photos, and asked how he was.

It all seems tied up with what is happening with Dad.  All of these men with whom I have unstable, broken relationships...but not really unstable. I can't find the proper word to express the lessons we have taught each other, and may not quite be done teaching...

Today my granddaughter and I finished moving a face cord of firewood into the mudroom.  She likes to help steer the wheelbarrow, which means I get a bit more strength training, holding the darned thing steady.  Then after she left I mowed for an hour or so.  Good workout. After we did our work - we also bathed dogs, and bathed her, we were taking some mail out to the mail box. We looked for the cows, as we always do - we are both Taurean, after all!  Then something else caught my eye.  Something was moving in the browned grasses.  I could see the horizon of a spine emerging, then disappearing into the grasses. Then I saw a fox. She was beautiful.  She froze. I picked up the babe to see if she could see the outline.  Then the fox turned toward us, sat down and looked right at me.

I planned to sit on the side of the road and gaze back, after I put the envelopes in the mailbox. But when I turned back, she was gone.

Of course, I reviewed...feminine magic, paradox, being in the border places, playing - be able to play.

Getting dark earlier and earlier.  Time to finish up my day.

Love and hugs from Clare

Let your Light flow...

Yeah, he scared me twice. Once he said he didn't have gas money to get them home, and you stepped in and brought them back.. Thank you again.  The other time I didn't have a woodstove in the cabin yet, and it was getting cold.  He got all parental and said they could not be there, he needed to take them and protect them. He called about three days later and whined that I had to get them out of there.  I think he had them for one week that time.

Looking back, it is easy to see he never really wanted the responsibility of day-to-day parenting.  (Best friend from college termed it "Uncle Daddy".  Hers was the same.) He just liked the occasional dad-fest and the public status of being the dad of some really great kids.

But in the middle of the drama, it is harder to see that.

I was telling a story about my youngest granddaughter, who is a coin hoarder. No one can quite figure out where she stashes her cash, but she goes cushion diving after her daddy, especially, sits on the couch - or even better, after he naps.  I was laughing, and a friend said, "Well, after all she is a Delana."  I asked why, and she the family was known for intelligence mixed with a bit of mischief. I said it was not mischief, it was critical thought.

She rolled her eyes.

You have gotta do something no one else wants to do, so they leave you alone!  I definitely sense that you need some down time. Maybe drive reeaaalll slow to go to work??  Clean something gross? Pack???  Let some Light flow through you before you talk about being a Friend!  And let some Light flow through you...anyway!

I have been thinking about death a lot, about snapping the cord between two people when one transitions to another level of being.  I have been thinking about the pain of that. I know another bond forms. I wonder if we delay that formation by being unable to climb out of grief.

But this weekend, I had my granddaughter, and she was missing her mother, and she was worried.  I wondered if, especially when we are very young, if not seeing mama, our primary attachment, is like a little death.  I wonder what happened to that bond.  Does it get stretched to the point that it has no flexibility? Does it get holes in it? Are there gaps? 

I have no idea where I am going with this, but my little one's fear inspired my imagination. It is probably also because I am feeling the impending loss of Dad. What is the state of our bond?  I still feel like mine is detached, but always waiting for the smallest sign of interest.  But that has weakened so much over the years.  Now when I Skype, I don't notice as much when he ignores me.  I am not really thrilled when he chooses to acknowledge me.  But there is something in me that wishes he thought I was of any value...anything at all.

So the broken little girl lives on!

Back to the festival ground this morning.  It is time to clean up.  Then it disappears back into the mist...or if we are lucky, it will dissolve in a really good thunderstorm!  (We really need rain, here.)


Love and hugs from Clare

funk

Clare,
Thanks for the insights…
you will see your son's girlfriend perform…
eventually.

I am being interviewed tomorrow evening on local TV…
a teenaged Friend and I are talking about Quakerism in a series on religion.
I've been reading about the historical Quakers who have made such a huge difference in the attitudes of society. I am proud and happy to be a part of this community.
I hope I speak simply and with clarity to convey to others the beauty of this faith practice.

I need a break…
to cry or howl or something.
The problem is that I cannot get away with the extra kids at the house and added responsibilities that I've taken on. So my big break is vacation in about a week…
trying to find some time for just me…
I hope that I can do that.
I'm already planning my early morning wake ups to get out of the house alone in the morning…
sanity time.
Sanity time will be my priority.

I remember when your ex took your kids…
and then you worried about whether he would return them to you.
That always frightened me. When I was separated, husband lived close enough that the kids would come and go.
I knew he wouldn't keep them too long…
it was a lot of work…
and hospital work was/is his priority.

I am really negative here…
I've got to get out of this funk!

I'll be back tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

festively festing

Hi Maggie,

I went out to the festival yesterday, and I read T-shirts.  It is a form of people-watching. It is fun to watch people, to try to analyze.  I absolutely agree with you.

We have been involved for so long, that going to festival is kind of a reunion.  It's kind of like Brigadoon.  All of these colors and people and music arise from a mundane fairground for a few days...then it all disappears.

Festival defines my summers. It is this recurring magic.

There are people I only see at the fest. I saw an old friend last night who told me I am beautiful and that she loves me.  And I smiled.

Festival is magic.

Staying serene while waiting may be the definition of staying centered in the heart chakra.  It is understanding that I don't know what will happen, but no matter what I can handle it and there is a reason.  It is understanding that everything is always okay. When I look back on my life, especially at those moments when I was most afraid, in the end, everything turned out okay.  I don't always know why I had to take certain steps, but they put me here.  And here is pretty good.

It's all lessons.  Sometimes we get so caught in the reality of the pain, we forget.  But we are here to learn - to figure out who we are, to figure out how to be, to learn. And what I've noticed is that the pressure gets tough.  We feel like we can't bear any more.  Then it eases, and everything is okay for a while.  We get a chance to breathe, and maybe even to smile.

Life is so much like birthing, I realized I often go back to the lessons I learned while laboring to understand life. And what I remember is that when you feel like you can't take any more, it means it is almost over. It is almost time to push and create something new.

I know it's hard when you are in the thick of parenting, but sometimes our balance comes over a larger period of time.  I remember never being alone, never being off call - especially since my ex was only home on weekends for about a decade.  There was rarely time for me.  After we split, which meant not even weekend breaks, it was worse.  He started taking them about twice a year...our mediated agreement was that he could have them as often as he liked...he chose twice a year...and when he would take them all at once, and I was alone in the silence, usually I would sob. It would burst out of me, and last a while.  I didn't miss the kids. I knew they were all right, but I think it was the complete removal of pressure.  It allowed all the pain and overwhelming responsibility of single parenting to well into the softened places. And I cried.  And then I cried some more.

As the kids leave, you will have time alone.  Knowing that doesn't help much with today's pressure, but when I look at the longer spanse of life, there is balance.

My neighbor is always available. If you can pop up, I'll call her and have her over.

Every single year I miss my son's girlfriend performing at the fest. Every year I think, this year...I worked Thursday and Friday...she performed twice, once Thirsday, once Friday...Next year, I guess!

Love and hugs from Clare

calmer

Clare,

I like the idea of staying serene while waiting in the unknown…
I once tried to read The Cloud of Unknowing…
it was too deep for me…
kind of like St. Theresa of Avila's book about the mansion…
I get to the fourth level and then get lost in it…
I'll revisit it after I am more mature.

Maybe that's what I'm doing here…
maturing…
fire turns green wood into charcoal…
maybe I'm still green and need some drying out…
adversity is a teacher if it's not overwhelming.

I hope all is well out west…
I was wondering about that statement that your D-i-L did not feel 'supported enough' to move back east…
It is confusing because family is east…
but family is complicated…
The Ties That Bind and Gag!

I am trying hard to stay calm…
breathe…
take my time to respond.
My youngest is calmer right now…
he wants a car…
specifically a mustang…
and is on his best behavior right now.
I know it is a manipulation…
but if I can get him to behave well and praise that it is a step forward.
He is amazingly charming when he controls his temper and spitefulness.

I am preparing for vacation.
One week to go. I am really looking forward to this week…
despite all that has happened this past week and a half.
My middle two are fighting over bedrooms…
they are taking their live-in partners and feel they should each get the bedroom with a private bathroom. I think they appreciate whatever bedroom they get…
Maybe I'll take the hammocks and make them all sleep outside (channeling my inner Papa D).
I am looking forward to active time in a beautiful space…
some of which will be alone (my favorite) and some with family.
Husband is already 'calling' a lot of "Maggie time"…
I need to call "Maggie time". He works so much that he craves time together. I am home enough that I crave time alone. He doesn't get it…
makes me feel guilty and then I compromise…
some "Maggie time" when I can slip away…
like taking the recycling to the dumpster.

It would be interesting to get a reading from your neighbor. I love psychic updates. I had to cancel my last reiki appointment- conflicting schedules. I'm disappointed because I wanted to check in with my dog and make sure she is safe and happy on the other side.

If I were going to the festival I would people watch. I love to try to figure out people and their relationships to others. It's not a judgmental thing- kind of like a psych evaluation from afar.
I send good energy to those who catch my attention.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

stay serene while not knowing

Hey Maggie,

It just feels like the shit is hitting the fans on all fronts these days.  Another car accident!  I'm so glad your daughter is okay. Cars are replaceable. Nieces never are.

Thanks for the insight with S#5.  I'm glad you were kind enough to think to ask her. She always talks so positively - "Yeah, it's great to have them so close."  I was just believing her.  I will offer her my shoulder too, in case it gets to be too heavy.  Her husband is so stable, though, sometimes I wonder if she needs anything else.

If your youngest son will use his behavior, in a positive way, to manipulate life, to get what he wants - then so what?  Just let him learn that positive behavior wins rewards.  When he goes too far, or uses unacceptable techniques - he loses.  That's pretty much the way we civilize our toddlers, and we teach them to negotiate and compromise.  With your youngest, it's never too late to learn!





I do agree that you have to be very careful about sending him away.  Especially since it may be construed in an angry, unsettled mind, that he has already been replaced.  I see the wisdom of allowing him to be part of the process.  I read a few web site of therapeutic boarding schools, and was not confident that any one of them would be a good place.

Can he get another dose of Arizona?   Do they have any suggestions?   Or any other programs?

I know you are stressed.  But I laughed when I read that your kids are calling things.  Mine do the same. Only mine are calling my things...for after when I die. The most valued - they have all called my vinyl albums.  Then they sit and argue about it in front of me.  I usually remind them that I am still here, and I can still choose a recipient!

I am still tired. I'm sitting in my messy office, but I don't have the energy to clean up.

And I caught a big, fat rabbit in my garden.  Now I know who stole my Brussels sprouts, chard and all of my green and yellow beans. Sigh...

This is festival week.  Today is actually the first day, but we will go out tomorrow.  I did set up work last weekend, which is actually more fun than festival.  Sometimes at fest,  I am overwhelmed by that feeling of alone in a crowd.  I know a lot of people, talk to a lot of people, but don't feel like I am part of anyone.  But I always hear someone new whose music I like...

Still not sure what is happening out west...so I don't know if I am going or staying here...trying to stay calm and serene while not knowing what happens next.  I think I should have an idea by Monday...My neighbor said I need a read, and said she would do that the next time I am alone.

We'll see...

Love and hugs from Clare

glad to be alive

Clare,

You have a lot of questions…
and I have few answers.

My youngest is calmer today. He agreed to work through this grounding to help us be more open to replacing the car. There is always something he is trying to achieve with his good behavior. I feel as if I am on the verge of being manipulated, but I may be able to help him stay on track. The replacement car comes when he is stable and showing responsible choices.
I've been gathering insights and information for 2 days…
most of the therapeutic schools are "institutionalized"…
many have the ability/authority to use solitary confinement as a punishment…
most profess to be the best for troubled teens.
The therapist is not supportive…
she asked to talk with me tomorrow.
She said that sending them away for 6+ months sends the message that they are not 'fixable'…
and inherent to that message is that they are disposable (my interpretation).
I don't want to send him, but I don't want to lose an opportunity to significantly help him…
what if this is his true window of opportunity?
What if my fear hold him back from true help and growth.
I think I'm going to ask him if he would consider going away to school…
let him be a driving force in the decision.
I'm so frustrated with myself, I should be able to handle my own kids.

We are going to the island again…
at this point all of us are going...
Husband, myself, D#1, D#2, her boyfriend/live-in, S#1, his girlfriend/live in, S#2, his friend (male) and young man.
My older son was home today…
he was trying to 'call' the bedroom upstairs with a private bath for him and his girlfriend.
daughter#2 wants that room for her and her boyfriend…
she already 'called' it...
the battle ensues.
My older daughter's boyfriend is not coming…
she is flexible about where she sleeps…
This adult children stuff gets complicated.
My older son was also told that there will be no pot in the house…
he's a bit peeved.
He doesn't get high a lot, but wants to be able to go onto the deck sometimes and smoke…
I tried to explain the battle we are waging right now…
he's seen the struggles but...
he doesn't think it is pertinent to him…
My life is so complicated.
Why can't we just live sober?

My oldest had a car accident on Sunday evening…
the car is probably totaled…
she is remarkably all right…
a few bruises and burns from the air bags…
afraid to drive…
but no permanent damage.
The other driver was also unhurt.
So now we will be buying 2 cars in the next few weeks…
life is crazy.
I'm just glad to be alive.

I spoke with S#5 yesterday. She is conflicted…
Papa and Mama went to the funeral home to plan Papa's funeral…
just to make life easier on her and the rest of us.
They've also asked her to rewrite their will…
she's becoming overwhelmed at this point.
I talked with her about saying no sometimes…
helping them to find a different solution that doesn't involve her so intimately…
give herself a break and some breathing room.
I will continue to check in and see how she's doing.

Love and Light beautiful sister…
hold all of this in the Light,
Maggie

I'm here...

Hey Sister,

You have my sympathy.  I think you, like S#3 are tired, and overwhelmed. What you are doing is hard.  Taking in a foster child seems to mean opening your door to another family's dysfunction, mixing it up with our unique mess and trying to find way.

From the outside, it hasn't been that long.  Everything should change when school starts next month.  For now, though, you are tired.

I'm wondering if the fostering is part of what is firing your youngest.  You haven't mentioned your older son recently.  Does he have any insight?

I have never heard of a therapeutic boarding school. But you do have a right to be safe in your own home.  So maybe it is a solution.  Maybe if he does the Arizona program again, they can make some suggestions, and you would have time to do some visiting and some research.  If you see some of the schools, you might get an idea of whether you want to try it or not...

I did a quick search and everything I found seemed to be Christian.  That troubles me.

Has your healer offered any insight?

Ask your husband to take your youngest on his daily ramble.

Just brainstorming...

Where are you going?  The island?  Is everyone going?

My middle son's wife and kids were in a car accident this week. Totaled car, whiplash, concussions, nightmares. Youngest has a pinched nerve in her neck and is in pain.  Oldest son's wife decided they are not going to move east.  She didn't feel enough support.

I feel like curling up somewhere, and sleeping.

I mean, this is nothing like what you are going through, but I feel --- tired.

I love you. I am here - if you need to talk...

Love and hugs from Clare

desperate

Clare,
I know what you say is true.
I do.
I also know that raising these young men is harder than I've ever experienced before.
Husband is committed to the older young man…
not certain that we can offer what the younger one needs.
At this point I feel as if we are in and need to see it all through.
I get frustrated because my young man says, repeatedly, the things he will do…
and never follows through.
I don't want to be the one pushing all of the time.
I also don't want to have him sitting here, still daydreaming, at 30.
My "inner Papa" has been appearing at times…
it's rather uncomfortable I must say.
His way- pushing and threatening- is easier…
but does nothing for our self-esteem or development…
but it got results…
even if the results were less than great.
Where am I and where am I headed?
I don't even know.
When I was led to offer a home to these young men I thought way would open..
I thought that we would figure each other out and then move forward collaboratively.
The reality is me pushing, cajoling, cleaning up messes, nagging, disciplining…
not really enjoying myself very much.
I think that's the hardest part…
I'm not enjoying myself…
life is a chore…
I sound like S#3 right now…
or at least my perception of S#3.

My youngest lost his temper last week. He cursed, called me every demeaning name he could come up with, let the air out of my car tire, and then punched and kicked the back door out of it's frame. He wants a new car and he wants his grounding to end.
He doesn't see that his choices are the reason for the grounding.
It's all just a whim of husband and I…
aimed at ruining his summer.
It's ruining my summer.
I begged B#4 to come over on Friday to replace the door…
luckily he could adjust his regular job and spend the day here replacing the back door and a garage door that my youngest destroyed several weeks ago…
$1,000 tantrum.
B#4 advised us to look into therapeutic boarding schools…
as did his former Arizona program director…
we are seriously considering sending him to one for his senior year.
It breaks my heart to have him away from here…
but he says he needs to be away from us…
and I am becoming afraid of him…
afraid to confront him about drugs and sneaking out…
I'm becoming paralyzed and 'grounded'.
I am so sad to be in this space.
I cannot believe that he is this unstable.

I have spoken to one school in Utah…
recommended by the Arizona program.
I am waiting to hear from another on win Utah.
There is one near you- have you heard anything about it?
I am hoping to have enough information to speak with him by Wednesday…
and then make a decision.
I've arranged for him to work at this school for service hours and to fill his time this coming week…
trying to relieve some of the boredom and mischief…
I am not optimistic that he will go and work.
His foot ball coach has agreed to take him under his wing- he's the school's maintenance man…
he has heard bits and pieces of the problems and doesn't want to lose his star football player…
so he's motivated to help us.
I don't believe that will be enough…
I don't think I'm enough for him anymore…
I am making things worse…
antagonizing him…
asking those questions that set him off…
"What's in the locked safe?" that he keeps in his room.
"Where did you sneak off to?"
My life is too much right now.
Stop the world I want to get off!

Vacation is 2 weeks away…
it should be a highlight…
I'm worried about all of the things that can go wrong this year.
I'm really angry that my life is at this point right now…
What lessons are in this for me?
What am I supposed to be learning that I'm not…
so this just keeps replaying until I get it?
I want to learn and move on to a better place and space.
I would run away if I thought I could outrun this crap.
I've been remembering the past…
when I decided to separate from husband…
one of my thoughts was, "at least I'll have every other weekend to myself"…
which never came true- my daughter#2 never spent time at dad's apartment.
I was so desperate for time alone…
and I'm there again.
desperate is a good word for how I'm feeling.
I resent my responsibilities. I'm desperate for relief.
I resent my family when they need something from me. I need them to be self-sufficient.
I resent them for not stepping up and helping me. I am desperate for them to take some of this burden.
The oldest tries, but they are all running away because my youngest has made it so damned uncomfortable to be in this house.
Husband comes home from work each day, changes his clothes, and takes a long walk in the woods…
and then begs for time alone with me.
"We never spend any time together."
I want to slip away too…
but, I've always been the responsible one…
it is my role.

I know you cannot change any of this…
it helps to vent though.
Just keep listening.

Love and Light beautiful sister.
Maggie

Aha!

Hey Maggie,

Keep treading, maybe try a doggie paddle...I am holding you in the Light, hoping everyone comes to a loving place.

With your youngest...he chose you to be his mother.  You are mutual teachers. Trust yourself. Work from love and not frustration - or anger.  None of mine were ever as headstrong as he is, so I don't have insight to share.  I just have a shoulder to help you bear it and a listening heart.

With your new youngest - he has probably been moved so many times, rejected repeatedly.  Of course he does not trust that you will accept him, love him, be there for him.  It is classic to try to push people away, so your inner victim can say - See, I knew it.  I knew I was not good enough.

But I sensed a bit of judgmentalism in your account of his daydreams.  If it is there, he knows.  He knows you are frustrated, that he is not good enough.  Let him have his fantasies. That's where I escape when the world is not welcoming. 

You can give him tools, but you can't make him use them. If the tool is available, he will pick it up when he has the right strength.

I think those kinds of daydreams led to The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  Remember James Thurber? Maybe that is the novel your boy has in him. Don't squelch him, even if it seems infantile to you.

Perhaps he was traumatized at age ten, and got stuck. Perhaps you are providing a safe place where he can look at where he is and prepare to move forward.  Trust the journey, enjoy the ride.

Introduce him to new things that open his mind.  Does he do martial arts? Maybe the teacher could introduce him to Kaizen. I just read about that for the first time today.

I had a committee meeting tonight, where I had a big, fat Aha! moment.

I know of two situations where people said unkind things. In both cases the person who received the unkind thing is harboring that wound.  Both are asking for help to heal that wound.  People are listening to them, but it doesn't seem to help. It came to me that they each need to be listened to.  But, I thought they needed to be listened to by the person who offended.

It seemed to be an answer.

But tonight, I realized I let go of victimhood years before my ex listened and apologized. It was a gift when he did, and I treasured it, but I no longer needed it. I had left it all behind.

So if he was not the one who listened, allowing me to heal...and obviously, Dad never listened. Who listened to me? 

I did.

I listened to myself.

Then a Friend asked, "Where was God in that?"  -  "or however you perceive the divine..."

(Am I that transparent?)

So how does this connect to finding closure with Dad?  Although miracles happen, and I am open to that, I really don't think Dad will be able to talk to us about what happened to him as a child, and how it affected him, what compulsions it led to in his fathering.  I don't think we are going to get that kind of closure.  Expecting that will only make his letting go harder.

So how do we support each other with love and integrity and faithfulness?

My thoughts are roiling...

And I am exhausted...


Love and hugs from Clare

overwhelmed

Clare,

I am overwhelmed…
barely treading water here in adolescent male BS.
My youngest is one again grounded for pot…
he becomes like a caged animal when he is grounded…
he lied yesterday to get out for a while…
is verbally assaulted me yet again in my car.
I told him he was a bully and became silent…
making him uncomfortable…
I chose not to engage.
He came home…
went to his room and got high once again.
He has a safe in his room, presumably with his hash oil and rig inside.
I told him that he has 2 choices: open the safe or I'm throwing it away.
He's threatened to steal stuff until he's 'recouped his losses'.
I don't know how to love him right now.
I have contacted the Arizona therapy program…
I am considering sending him back or to a boarding school for troubled kids.
I don't know how to do this.

We are birthing a family.
Perhaps he has to have his labor too.

My young man has been filled with attitude and acting passive aggressively. We talked and it's better, but not great. He lives in such a fantasy world that I have trouble really getting in. He believes he will be an NBA star, published novelist, rapper, and biologist in this lifetime. The problem is that he spends his time daydreaming about this and never practicing or working on any of them. I gave him the acronym GROW today:
Goals- identify a clear goal
Reality- what is the present reality
Obstacles- what obstacles and challenges do you see
Way forwards- how do you move forward?
I hope he thinks about this and at least sees some value to it. He is stuck on the 'reality' step…
he lives in a deluded reality where is a 'beast' at everything…
his word, meaning the best at whatever it is he's referring to.
It's very 5th grade (10 yr old) type thinking.

I am overwhelmed by my frustration right now…
I think I'm going to walk.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

more birthing

Hi Sister,

It is strange and amazing, but I was having the same stream of thoughts as you.  I was thinking about birthing, and how the first time out, we have no idea what it is going to be like. I mean, we have average statistics. We have other mama's stories.  But actually going through giving birth, it is a mystery until we have borne the experience, the new self.

Dying seems like that.

Then I thought about a medicalized birth, a birth that is stolen from a women, and made an institutionalized experience. 

Dying has also become like that.

I wondered how many people are afraid. I wondered how many people fight it. I wonder how many people know when it is time and...birth.

There are so many people dying at home in the midst of loved ones now. I sat with my late grandmother-in-law as she was sliding home, as she was back and forth between here and there, as she had moments of both here and there.And it felt mysterious, and, I don't know, other-worldly, but it did not seem frightening, much less terrifying.

I think the hardest part is leaving those of us here behind for awhile - breaking that cord from heart to heart.

I wondered if people who love the strongest slip the cord the easiest, or if it causes more, deeper, pain.

I also thought about something we wrote here - you and Dad must have a strong bond, a huge trust, in order to be able to slay each other in various life times.  He will lose this shell of pain and embarrassment and anger and distance, and he will become that person again.

And then...finally...one last thought....can I...can we...can anyone become that person without having to shed our current persona?  Can I just be nonjudgmental love?

Can I accept nonjudgmental love?

Just read that Bernie is asking his supporters to back Hillary. I started to cry. I think I am crying for our future.  Instead of becoming like Uruguay or Canada, we are going to remain being led by a violent, war-mongering empire building group of entitled, rich, white people.

With your foster son - two steps forward, one step back.. You are birthing a new family.  How is his younger brother?

It is hot, summer hot, up here...hope you are enjoying it!

Love and hugs from Clare

peace

I am so blessed...
a little girl is holding me in her heart…
that makes me smile.

We had a breakthrough today…
at least a little one.
My young man has been sneaking, sulking and passive aggressive for the past two weeks.
I finally had it two days ago and asked…
or demanded to know what was up…
he avoided…
shut down…
I'd made things worse.
I told him, when he's ready I will listen…
but he needs to initiate the conversation because my talking at him wasn't working.
Today he told me that he knows that husband and I consider him bad and expect him to make poor choices…
that's what everyone expects.
LIGHT BULB…
I assured him that we see great potential…
we wouldn't waste our time or energy on a lost cause.
I explained that he was projecting his past experiences onto us and that we needed to be given a chance.
We talked about "us" and "them" and how his present "us" is him alone…
I suggested he let our family become his "us" and then he'll have a more solid base to grow from.
It's scary as hell to trust.

I communicated with S#5 today. I guess Papa D. has 2 options for intervention…
he can make other choices though.
I sent her an article about immunotherapy specifically for bladder cancer…
perhaps he has more choices than have been suggested so far.
I do think they are overwhelmed by the news.
This is going to sound cold…
forgive me…
At what point in a life do you choose death or natural consequences and be socially acceptable?
When have we lived enough to let go and accept fate?
My 92 year old Friend/friend welcomes death…is waiting for it.
At 85 are we still obligated to fight as hard as possible…
exhaust all means, our resources, and our bodies?
When is it acceptable to say I have lived long enough and am ready to leave this realm and enter the other?
At 52 I wasn't ready for that…
thank God it was a brief reality for me.
I truly wonder what I would do?
I wonder what he will do?
It makes me truly sad that they have to journey through this…
but maybe they'll find peace together.

Life is always surprising.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

sweet love

Hi Maggie,

I talked to Mom today. Dad has two options, and has until August 2 to decide, then make plans.

More waiting...

How are you?

I took my granddaughter for a walk today. For quite a while she walked next to the stroller, rather than ride.  She started straying into the road and so we had a talk about why we stay right next to a big person when we walk along the street.

Cars see big people, but sometimes they don't see little people, and so little people can get hit, and hurt and maybe even die. 

She agreed and said that even happens with dogs, because dogs are little.

So I said we had to be very careful because we love her so much, and we would be so sad if anything happened.

She said - yeah like if she died.

I talked about how sad we get when someone dies.

So she wanted to know who was sad.  I told her you were sad.  She asked why and I said your dog just died.

So she decided we should get Mama and get in the car and come to see you because you would be so "surpiseded" and then you would be happy and Mima would be happy too.

Just know there is a little girl holding you in her heart!

Hope all is well.

Love and hugs from Clare

pesto and murder

Hi Maggie,

I think terrible beauty was the phrase that came into my mind as my husky passed. It was a sacred moment as he birthed into spirit and ran free, yet the rip of my heart from his heart was exquisitely painful.  I was relieved because it was over, I was bereft, because my companion was gone.

I remember when my oldest's dog of her heart was hit by a car.  She took it hard.  I remember at one point, she commented that this was a dog and she felt so much pain. What was going to happen when a grandparent died...But I think we are more guarded with other humans. We don't know how to trust each other. But a dog, a dog teaches us unconditional love by example, and so we leave our hearts unguarded.

Too bad we can't learn to love like they do. Maybe being loved by them is the first step.

Maybe the ideal lover is unsophisticated, unguarded...that's not me!! Well, I am pretty unsophisticated, but I am over-guardful.

Thank you!  I never thought to look for the symbolism of the pearls. I was so caught in the message of identifying the thief.  Maybe the strand of pearls represents what happened to the indigenous. They were made valuable by being forced into conformity.

I had a fun day. I harvested a lot of rhubarb, and have it sitting in honey overnight to extract the juices. Tomorrow I will heat, then can it.  Today I made dilly beans and pickled garlic scapes. I made the most amazing scape pesto.  I really enjoy cooking and canning and making tinctures and drying herbs.  I enjoy the garden.

It helped me escape.  I have been overwhelmed by the stories of more black men, innocent men, being murdered by the police.  Then I saw a short video of a young Palestinian boy who was shot by the Israelis. He was staggering, then crawling down the road, trying to get away. One man came running out and dived on the boy, then picked him up and started running toward the people being attacked. Once one man ran, others joined, grabbing the boy and passing him forward from man to running man until he was safe. We always need to remember to be that first man, the one who inspires caring.

I feel paralyzed with pain.

Someone I admire had an idea for the problem with police brutality. Maybe we should have citizen witnesses with them at all times. If a police officer is on patrol, a citizen volunteer is with him. I think that is a profound and brilliant idea.

It is getting late.

Love and hugs from Clare

Fascinating dream

Clare,

I like the phrase "terrible beauty"…
painfully correct.

The dream about the pearls is fascinating. I wonder what it means. Pearls, to mu mind, are beauty and toughness that grow from adversity. Sand and grit irritate the oyster and initiate the formation of the pearl. Hands are about connection. Power and man-made value are also themes from the dream.

To see pearls in your dream symbolize the human soul, inner beauty, perfection, purity and chastity. Alternatively, it represents tears and sadness. 
To see a string of pearls in your dream represents conformity and sameness.

What a fascinating dream. Touching something arbitrarily identified as valuable was more of a crime than taking the land and conquering it…
that's profound.

My oldest and I are experimenting with different flavorings for kombucha…
today we tried strawberry, blueberry, strawberry mint, and cherry…
each of the 4 jars is infusing the fruit/leaves for 3 days…
then we can taste.
It should be interesting.
I started another batch as soon as we divided this batch for flavoring.
I will let you know how it is going.

My youngest is once again grounded…
testing boundaries…
disrespectfully talking to husband and I.
I don't know how to make him see that treating others well will improve his life immensely.

I'm going to run…
I've got many things to finish.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

chills

Hi Love,

I got the chills when I read your account of your dog's passing.  It was so beautiful...such a gift. I had my hand on my husky when he breathed his spirit out and was free.  It is such a terrible beauty.  I think that passing snaps the connection from heart-to-heart.  I think that is what hurts so much.  But it is so deeply amazing to be there when they transition...

You are blest...you have been blest. You are lucky, because you know it.

I never ever had the illusion that family became real after I left.  I just know that some of the family patterns changed as the older sibs moved out.  So some of what was normal for you was not part of my life.  And some of my experiences and perceptions are not yours.

I had a dream two nights ago that has been haunting me. I saw a young girl.  Someone showed her a strand of pink pearls.  She reached out to touch them, and had her hand cut off for stealing.  Those who punished said the pearls were valuable, she had no right. She replied that they were only valuable because the people in power valued them.  Then she asked why, when they came and stole the land they were brave and noble conquerors, yet when she but touched their pearls she was a thief.

Then last night I could not sleep, and so my mind went into overtime.  I wondered why I do not/can not love myself, why it is so hard to accept that someone might love me. I started thinking about being objectified when young, which is part of abuse.  The person bearing the abuse is like a basket for the more powerful person's pain.  We sort of learn young that we are not real. 

I thought about the way I keep people at a distance, and it sort of dawned on me that this might be the way I love myself.  I am protecting myself.

Weird...it made more sense in the dark of the night.

Sending love to you and your daughter and your beloved dog, who will always be with you...

Love and hugs from Clare

labor and delivery

Clare,

Ice cream in the backseat of the station wagon…
Papa slams the brakes and our faces smooth into them…
That's the same memory.
Why do you feel like we became family as soon as you vacated?
It wasn't any better.
We were taken out to dinner…
in pairs…
once a year.
The only time I remember it happening was to the Legion post for dinner.

My dog died.
I stayed with her through the night on Saturday…
labored breathing and restlessness.
On Sunday I took her to the emergency animal hospital.
They found a liver full of tumor and blood in her abdominal cavity. They explained it was only a matter of time. I chose to take her home to be with family in the home she had always known. We sat with her. Sunday night her breathing rate rose to 130+ and I increased the narcotic dose. She was more comfortable…but never rested. Monday all of the kids spent time with her, except daughter #2 whose boyfriend is in the hospital for pneumonia. We cried and laughed…telling doggie stories. My friend was planning on coming in the early evening to euthanize her. She chose to leave her body before that occurred. About 4 pm she slowed her breathing, arched her back, and let out a long, releasing sigh. Then she was quiet.
She was so silent…
it was so peaceful after all her work to live.
My oldest and i were at her side.
Husband was on a walk...
he generally peaces out when someone is close to death.
I had been flowing reiki over her…
at the moment of her exhale I felt her spirit rise out of her.
It was so profound that I wailed spontaneously…
like the vocal release at childbirth…
I wailed and then sobbed…
cradled in my oldest's arms.
she had labored and we delivered her back to the universe…
well loved and whole.
My oldest stayed at doggie's side without faltering all day Monday…
I am so proud of her.
I cannot believe how much I love this dog.
True, unconditional love.

Now I am without my companion. No one waiting at the door when I leave and return. No one laying at my side of the bed. No one following me and laying at my feet wherever I am, whatever I'm doing. No one who puts me before all of their own needs. That dog laid with me for days after my cancer surgery. Family had to force her to come down to eat and go outside to pee. I thought of that while I was laying at her side on Saturday and Sunday nights- my opportunity to offer her the same kindness. I was so blessed to have this soul for 12 years.

I am crying again.
I have to get to an appointment.
I will check in again tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

conform

Hi Mags,

I remember your gown, and it was off the shoulder, and it was beautiful. I also remember you commenting that you had lost weight and tugging at it.  You were a gorgeous bride.

I'm glad you and B-in-law had a nice day.  And I'm sorry about the dog.  It is going to be hard to lose her.  It is always hard to let them go.  But I always think the joy of having them outweighs the pain of losing them.  Their loss reminds us to be tender.

I'm holding you and your puppy in the Light.

I do not remember a raccoon stealing Pop's wallet.  Was that when I was older, and no longer included in family trips? And we never really went to Twin Kiss or out to dinner when I was at home. I think it was too expensive to take all nine of us, and hard to take toddlers.  In my memory, it was when you younger ones were a little older, Mom and Dad started taking you all out sometimes.

I remember ice cream cones in the back of a station wagon on a hot day. They melted and we started sliding around in the mess.  We thought it was funny.  I remember catfish swimming in the sink. I do remember the hammocks. I remember each pair of kids got a pup tent to share. Some chose to set up a tent, others opted to divide it in half and put up hammocks. I didn't have to share mine, since I was the odd man out, so I set up a tent.

I remember that during those camping trips, I would hike the few miles back to the village and spend many days day with Grandma, and to be frank- with her flush toilet.  Annually she would pull out the old family albums and go through the pictures with me. I remember really listening, asking questions, trying to memorize.

I remember that on the rare occasion Dad would sing, he had a strong, rich baritone. But he would never sing.  Except the early morning camping anthem - Jeremiah was a bullfrog...

We did have a nice, long weekend, lots of fun. I can't believe how fast that made it to social media.  I didn't bother to check for two days, and was greeted by...us. The lake is always a healthy place to go.  S#3 was doing great, relaxed until she realized her daughter was ditching her and not coming, that she was stuck with the 3 kids she had with her. Then she seemed more stressed.  Plus keeping an eye on kids at the lake is stressful. The lake is fun, but it can be dangerous.

Had a strange thought while I was cooking this weekend. I made potato salad, and noticed that every single potato was exactly alike.  I realized this is what I expect, but that is never what I get in my garden. I know, but suddenly I felt, the poisons are meant to used conformity.  Then I started thinking about kids and their desperation to conform. I'm considering all the toxins in our daily culture necessary to produce such mindless sameness, or such tortured sameness. We say we value diversity - but it's only true if people conform to the norm. Interesting paradox!

I had a dream the other night, I don't remember exactly what was happening, but I looked up and there were many, many, many birds way high in the sky, joining together, I think to begin a migration.  I have not been able to find a complete idea in any of the dream dictionaries, but one line give me a place to begin analyzing...(http://www.dreamdictionary.org/b/) says: A flock of birds soaring over you donates total freedom.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Love and hugs and Light...from Clare

not the final step

Clare,

Just for clarification…
my wedding gown was designed to be off the shoulder…
I don't think it slipped down…
maybe after a few drinks and dancing it was slipping off.

Husband and I hiked around waterfalls in the early afternoon and then explored a nearby town with great shops and restaurants. It was a good day. Except one thing…

My big dog was very ill. I felt very guilty leaving her at home without me…
she is very attached.
She had someone home most of the day…
but I worried about her.
She had labored breathing through the night…
she also had a lot of abdominal distention.
I flowed reiki over her for a long time. She was still uncomfortable.
I sat with her until about 1:30 or so and then got into bed when she seemed to be asleep.
I woke up and she was much the same…
My vet didn't answer…
I called my Friend from Meeting…
She asked appropriate questions and warned me it sounded like a cancer that is common in her breed that affects the liver and/or spleen, and oozes blood into the abdomen.
I took her to the emergency vet an hour away. We stayed about 4 hours.
She does indeed have the tumor throughout her liver- all lobes are involved. There is no chance of resection or survival. At 12 she wouldn't tolerate chemotherapy. So I brought her home to die. My kids are coming tomorrow to spend time with her.
I've never had a dog from puppy to death before.
I've never had 'my dog' before.
I truly appreciate the life she shared with me.
I have been blessed to love her.
I cannot imagine this house without her.
There will be less fur-bunnies under my furniture, but there will be such a void.
I love her so very much.
My Friend will probably come tomorrow evening or Tuesday to euthanize her at the house.
Part of me wants to let her die naturally…
but her respiratory rate is 85 - 90 and she is laboring so…
I almost hope she goes in her sleep tonight.
I may not sleep all night…
I don't know how to do this gracefully.

Tears are cleansing.
Death is the next step.
It is not the final step.

I love the memory of you playing baseball with the family. When I think of fun memories I think of several camping trips…
it sounds funny, but I remember when the raccoon stole Papa's wallet…
and when they would dig the latrine pit…
and the time we hung hammocks instead of pup tents.
That's what I remember first…
then I remember the trips to twin kiss for ice cream…
and him hitting the brakes hard making our faces smash into the cones.
It was funny…

I hope that you are having a good time with S#3 and your families. The pictures look like fun.

I will keep you posted on my dog's journey.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

a memory

Good morning Little Sister,

I am tidying up as I wait for S#3 and her grandkids to arrive.  I probably won't check back in here until Monday.  Niece will arrive tonight or tomorrow morning, after she works. I am hoping to get her advice about what to do with this haircut. I really like it.  And after the stylist was finished, I loved it. But when I try it myself...well, something is missing.  Like, style.

I am listening to Jay Ungar and Molly Masan as I clean.  I think they may be my new favorites.  They make me want to play my violin!

I am glad you listed the Kublar-Ross stages. I am familiar with this information, but it was not in my accessible memory!  I think you are right.  Mom is starting to go into the denial stage. Not hard to do, since we are all experts in this family.

We do have to be present and kind.  We have to be present and kind with Mom and with each other.  We will all have a lot to process, unless we stay numb.

I feel like I am still clinging to numb.  It has been my way of dealing with Dad's ongoing rejection.  Don't let him in, don't feel him.  I am still trying to sink into childhood memories and find those places of connection with him, of being happy when he was home, of daily pleasure...

And I just remembered one. This may be the start of my softening.

When I was 7, when we lived in the house where S#3 was born, Dad took the oldest of us out into the backyard to teach us how to play baseball. I was up first. I hit the ball and I ran to first base.

First base was a folding chair. The bases were each something householdy-unique.

I was on first, and B#2 did something that distracted the outfield, and Dad yelled at me to steal base.

I looked at him.  Steal the base?  He encouraged me again, "Steal the base!"

So I picked up the chair and ran.  He asked what I was doing...I'm stealing it.

After the shock, everyone laughed. It was a silly, joyful moment.

Okay, so now I have this, let's follow the thread, and find that Daddy.  I don't want to pretend the other did not exist, but let's reconnect with this Daddy, too.

Happy Anniversary!  I still remember your wedding.  You lost so much weight your gown was slipping off your shoulders.  You were shocked that I bought a black dress.  Your wedding party all arrived at the reception with Blues Brothers shades...Everyone was involved, everyone was included.

Have fun, and enjoy each other!

Love and hugs from Clare

patient and gentle

Clare,

My old dog is struggling too. I hate to leave for work because I have a sense that she won;t be here much longer. She lays around most of the day and night. She isn't sleeping most of the time, just breathing heavily and watching her surroundings. She struggles to go up and down steps. I've given her pain meds, extra pain meds for the past two days…
they seems to help her mobilize a bit more.
I don't know how to judge how close a dog is to her end. She could sleep like this for months. I guess I have to be patient.

I spoke with Mamma Delana yesterday. Papa D did not get on the phone. She was uncharacteristically bright and cheery. She read me the pathology reports. She told me that Papa was going to fight this with surgery, radiation and chemo. She was optimistic. When I asked about prognosis she jumped to another subject.

The Kübler-Ross model, or the five stages of grief, postulates a series of emotions experienced by survivors of an intimate's death, wherein the five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

I think she's in denial. I cannot understand her lightness and unconcerned manner.
I think S#5 is going to have her hands full over the next months.

Tomorrow is my 28th wedding anniversary. I cannot believe I made it this long. It hasn't been easy, but I'm glad we are still married. We are going to go hiking at a nearby attraction with many waterfalls. After that we are going to explore a quaint town nearby and have dinner. Our oldest is going to maintain some semblance of control at home. I'm looking forward to a day away from home.

I was journaling today. I kept getting the message- Patient and gentle…
I think that's good guidance.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie