my weekend

Hi Maggie,

Sorry I have been AWOL all weekend.  On Friday afternoon my daughter-in-law called.  My granddaughter had a slumber party, and my grandson was feeling really left out. So he asked if he could have a sleepover with me.  The only hitch was that I had to work on Saturday morning.  But, with the tablet, he was perfectly content.  My youngest had already arranged for hers to spend Saturday night, so she could go to a funeral.  The other two wanted to come, and so I had three last night. Now my house looks like a tornado blew through, but I said the heck with it, and went for a walk.

I had one of those aha moments with them.  I had an idea that we should make a paper mache Chinese dragon mask.  But they were just sort of tolerating me, not really being into it. And I was starting to get a little  tight - stopping the flow!!-  and annoyed. Instead they wanted to blow up all the balloons, rub them on my grandson's recently shorn head and stick them to the ceiling.  I had to sort of smack myself, emotionally, and remind myself that things don't have to go the way I planned.  And even when they're not my way, things are still perfect - as they should be...So I relaxed and was just with them.

Today felt like spring. I walked a 5K, thinking I might be ready to do a race in June. S#3 and I planned to do it together last year.  But she planned a week in Florida with her daughter and granddkids on the same date, and then I just sort of didn't go through with it on my own.

Maybe this year. It would be kind of cool to be able to say I ran my first race when I was 60.

Your comment about your Reiki healer, and removing negative karma led me to play with the idea that karma blocks our flow. We have to rectify, remove, balance...something...to be able to flow, to be healthy.

And your comments about being the dumper sent me back. I'm like you. I always dumped people when I felt they were getting too close, maybe. I'm not sure why I did it.  I know it tied directly to - I'm not worthy. I cloaked it in whatever helped me escape from connection.  One time,though, I did get dumped.  It was shockingly painful.  But I learned how to be kind.  I learned how easy it is to really hurt someone.

It still amazes me that my college sweetheart was able to forgive me.  I really hurt him.  But he came back, reminding me that I am okay, and he does want connection.  He has been one of my best teachers.  And one of my best friends.

I was talking to someone recently who was tiptoeing around the idea of going into counseling, finding the best counseling for them.  I was barraged with thoughts...I think counseling sessions and techniques need to be different for men than for women.  I think that no matter which type of counseling happens - things get worst before they get better.  I think it's possible to realize you hate the people you love...

That set me off  thinking about the advice - Love the sinner, hate the sin.  Intellectually, that seems so easy.  But personally, I starting thinking about loving Dad and hating what he did to us.  Seemed a little simplistic and stupid, but I stayed with it.  So I thought about loving Pop, but hating what he did to us and to Dad.  Then the dam sort of broke, and I could feel love flowing back into our family line, recoloring our family dysfunction.

Somehow, who we are, the spirit, the golden self seemed separate from the heavy cloak we pull on. It's all lessons - not who we are. And we are all in pain.

Now, I wonder if I will be able to do the same for myself? Will I be able to see beyond the cloak I have pulled on and see my own Light, recognize that sacred that is me?

It's always so much easier to see other's Lights.

Started watching a film, Hector and the Search for Happiness, this afternoon. My evening plans - finish it.

Love and hugs from Clare

excruciatingly good

Clare,

Thanks for the reminder…
I had not thought about that past life of taking in difficult boys.
I seem to remember my reiki healer telling me I was a harsh disciplinarian though…
appropriate for the times, but used physical discipline.
I am committed to my kids and to these young men to not resort to physical discipline.
I needed to be reminded of that life time…
thanks.

I saw my reiki healer yesterday. She tuned up mu grids and opened chakras…
my negative karma is gone…
life is good.
I do feel lighter.
I feel optimistic and positive about life.
She asked if anyone had started to "invade my personal space" yet…
She told me that people are drawn in towards the positive energy…
from the loss of negative karma.
I haven't noticed it…
but feel good about the possibility.

Yesterday I had only 2 clients, both of whom I'd previously told that I was leaving.
It was a good opportunity to explore what it means to them…
and me.
I found it freeing to admit that this was very difficult for me.
In the past, when I've ended relationships…
and I've always been the 'dumper', not the 'dumped'…
part of my control issues…
I've separated myself from the emotions of loss and grief.
This time I am allowing myself to feel some of that…
not totally vulnerable, but more than ever before.
This really is a growth opportunity for me. I am understanding the real power in human connection and relationship. The sense of strength in connection is real…more real now than ever before.
The sense of loss is more real also.
Vulnerability is excruciatingly good.

Tomorrow I am attending my first Quaker Memorial service. I cannot believe I've been attending for almost 9 years and this is the first memorial device of someone I've known. I am looking forward to it. After the service we are off to NJ for husband's brother's 60 birthday party…
at an indoor go-cart track.
It should be fun…
3 of my kids and significant others are attending…
I am so going to lose every race…
But, I'll be laughing the whole time.

I'll check back in on Sunday.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

let it flow, let it flow, can't hold it back anymore

Hi Maggie,

My mind returns occasionally to our visit with your Reiki healer. She said you had a lifetime of taking in homeless boys and raising them.  It seems to be who you are.  Keep thinking, but trust your heart.  Your leading is so strong...

Thank you for the affirmation - flow is the answer.

The more I think about it, the more it really does seem to be the answer.  Every situation I think of - appropriate flow is the remedy, the best solution.

On New Years I declared that this is the year of saying Yes! I think I need a Yes! sign for the wall in front of my desk.  It seems that saying yes means jumping in, being part of the flow. Part of me is so excited.  Part of me is scared...terrified.  I think I have been wading - pretty much ever since I got married, although I have had a couple good swims!

It also strikes me that flow is the perfect way to describe being in the green chakra. And as I have droned on about in the past, that is the learning of this age. How do we get out of the yellow chakra and into the green chakra.  I guess it is by saying Yes!

The baby was sick on Monday. Her mama was sick yesterday.  Today I am feeling off.  Am I next?  If I am I expect I will be flowing, up and down, from the digestive tract for several hours.  If I get it, I hope it is tonight...I can't afford to miss any time at work.

Ah - life in the inflamed US!

Keep on flowing...

Love and hugs from Clare

FLOW

Clare,

The word I teach is "homeostasis"…
dynamic equilibrium…
constantly changing balance.

You are correct that anything that stops moving is diseased or unhealthy. Flow is important. Flow is important physiologically. Flow is important emotionally. Flow is important psychologically. Dynamic adaptation to ever changing surroundings.
That is health.
That is balance.

Hoarding...
Repression…
Blocking...
Stagnation…
all components of disease…
Dis-Ease.

It's a good idea. It is also quite dependent upon the idea of interdependence. Balance is maintained by the natural cycles of predators and prey. It is maintained by the food chain. It is maintained by the natural seasonal changes. It is maintained by natural fluctuations in the availability of food and water. It is maintained by times of plenty and want. Our bodies are designed for stress- natural stress…
not the unnatural stress of a neglectful or abusive childhood…
or the stress of super-storms that are not within predictable limits…
Or the constant stress of the "us versus them" mentality- feel free to fill in your favorite 'ism'.
We human have gotten so far off course that we cannot even see how far we are from truth and balance. It is crazy.

I heard a news piece on the Zika virus, they interviewed a young, pregnant woman from Brazil who is terrified of becoming infected - understandably so. Her response is to wear long pants and long sleeved shirts, fully covered in 95 degree heat and apply a strong insect repellant every two hours.
First, the excess temperature may cause birth defects.
Second, the insect repellant may cause birth defects.
And the government response is to release GMO mosquitos to create inviable offspring mosquitos.
Are we a bit reactionary here or what????
This is crazy.

I don't know for sure, but I'd bet the rivers are being damned for profits or clogged by logging creating an increase in population of mosquitos that are carrying this virus…the more we do in the name of advanced culture and society the worse of we all become.

So FLOW is good. All of that to agree with you.

Thanks for the perspective with the young men. I may need frequent reassurance that I am not crazy for doing this. Their ages are 16 and 13. They are in 10 and 6 grades respectively. Thanks for caring.

We had a rough night with the dog, 2 seizures and she had very labored breathing following the second one. I was afraid she was having a heart attack from the exertion. Today she is sleeping, still with audible breathing. Hold her in the Light please.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

my prayer

Hi Maggie...

The words that come to me, for your son and your foster sons are - "We have never done this before. We want to do it right.  Since we don't have experience, we have to rely on those who do.  We have to follow their advice."  You say you feel uneasy just taking the older one in right now.  But remember the relief you described when you received that advice.

Follow your intuition.  You will do this right...

Please remind me again of their ages.

I was rereading your summary of the physiological reactions to ongoing stress.  It is definitely more your language than mine.  The part standing out for me today is thinking about cortisol...My son who was hospitalized after birth had a lot of emotional issues as a child.  Some still linger.  I know that it was caused by our separation.  I know his pattern is common.

What I'm wondering now, is how much different is it for a six week old infant who is separated from their mother for 8 or 9 hours each day?  Could this be part of the reason for the epidemic of asthma, obesity, allergies, bullying?

I was talking with someone today about dealing with perfectionism - hers obviously, since we know this is not my gift! We were talking about balance.  If a gift is balanced, it can be used appropriately.

I was thinking about balance.  It is not a single point.  The flowers said years ago - you stop, it's over.  Balance is constant movement.  We have to constantly adjust.  Sometimes something happens that knocks us for a loop.  The struggle to regain balance can take a heroic effort.  But even day to day, we constantly move.  Sort of like standing on a balance beam. We are never still.  We always shift, slightly...I can feel the movement as I try to find words to describe it.

I have been working on an herbal, and thinking about health.  What came to me is that it is important to keep flowing.  As soon as something somewhere in the body stops flowing, an ailment begins to form.  The remedy is to keep things flowing.  Everyone around me has been getting a very contagious sinus infection.  I keep singing my song of moving snot - use steam, lots of hot showers, neti pot...do not let that mucus set up in your sinuses.  Keep it moving.

I am thinking that get it flowing, let it flow might be the answer for everything.  I remember thinking once that the true definition of poverty is to let go of everything, knowing what you need will come to you when you need it.

But the inflammation around us - the banks, the military, the hoarders who prevent the flow...those who need to control. They inhibit poverty and leave many with no food, no clothes, no warmth, no shelter.

It all ties into the gifting society.  We have to be fearless to release, to trust the flow.

I feel blockages - in my body - isn't that the best definition of fat ever? There are blockages in my mind, in my psyche. I see it inflicted on the Earth - everywhere.

I am going to spend time visualizing all of the dams disappearing,  and the salmon swimming upstream, free.  This will be my prayer...

...for the time being.

Love and hugs from Clare

What are we to do?

Clare,

I'm sorry, my days have gotten away from me. I sat down and posted a few sentences last night, but am not sure where they went.

The world is insane. I am still raw from reading Ishmael and The Story of B…
we are on the wrong path…
we have all been taught (brainwashed) that this is correct…
humans are meant to dominate the earth…
to hell with harmonious interdependence.
I have been talking interdependence…
"circle of life"…
give and take equally for years.
It is one of the gifts that I've received from teaching biology again…
seeing, so clearly, how dependent species are on one another.
And yet we still take and take and take…
"stewardship"…
bullshit…
it's dominance and greed.

Children, and all beings, are being stressed to their capacity to endure. You explained that well. The one piece that you are missing is the chronicity factor. Acute stress makes a body avoid inflammation…
until the system is spent and can no longer maintain the charade. An injured or sick animal, when sensing threat, will secrete cortisol which hides the signs of inflammation. This is survival. The weakest of the herd is the one that is taken down by the predators. So, cortisol blocks redness, swelling, pain, fever, and makes that animal appear healthier. After a long period of chronic stress the body shuts down the HPA axis (hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal) and cannot mount a cortisol spike when acutely stressed. That's when you see asthma, allergies, autoimmune diseases, cancers…
Does that make sense? Remember the Zebras Don't Get Ulcers book…

The earth is stressed and overwhelmed also. It's compensatory mechanisms are overtaxed and cannot keep up with the "stewardship" of humans anymore.
Can we go back to a simpler lifestyle?
I don't think so.
I think- no, I know- we are in a mass extinction. The only humans that will survive this will be the indigenous who still live in harmony with the land. Then all will be set right and find balance again- after several hundred thousands of years.

What are we to do? I wonder what kind of difference I can make with the young men we're going to foster. I have a lot of ideas- yoga, reiki, drumming, horseback riding, karate, hiking- but am not sure what they'll be interested in. I keep telling myself I am not supposed to "fix" them. I am giving them a safe haven to learn to trust and grow into good men. I was talking with my youngest last night. He is upset that we aren't taking the younger boy at the same time as the older one. I am uneasy with that too. I don't want to cause a sense of rejection in either of them. But, the recommendation is strong, and we are going to follow their lead. We are meeting with the young men and the director of the home later this week to explain the plan. I hope and pray they both hear the whole plan and not shut down in the middle. I am asking the universe for guidance in this one- for the right words to convey our intentions.

So, I guess the answer of "what are we to do?" is simply live each day as best we can…
make them all count.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

insanity

Hi Maggie,

Are you still digging out? I hope the snow is still as lovely and silent and impressive today.  It is still...not quite winter here.  Every week we have very cold temps, as well as temps above freezing. Sort of reminds me of chills and a fever.

I have still been working with Love, Light and Healing...kind of like the Three Sisters.  There must be something innate for us to understand trinities...

But Love, I was thinking in the middle of the night that Love is like pudding - smooth and sweet.  But I don't like pudding, and so it became chocolate mousse, or maybe a homemade truffle...thicker and richer...more substantive.  I was thinking about Love and how much I love the Earth.  I was wondering why so many of us don't recognize her aliveness.

All of a sudden I was overwhelmed with the insight that our species is sick, and it seemed like a form of insanity.  I was speechless and could not think. I wondered if it was all of us, or the most visible of us...

A friend gave me a very long article to read. I read the beginning, and have been digesting it. Basically, the premise is that inflammation is a potent response of the immune system to a threat.  If it continues for too long, though, it becomes a threat.  In way-past times, if there was danger, imminent attack by a wild animal, perhaps, the immune system pre-responded, often with generalized inflammation.  The same thing happens now when we are in a traumatic situation...Children raised in abuse have chronic inflammation, which can be seen as allergies, asthma, obesity...sound familiar?

It goes on to say that when we have generalized inflammation, we feel tired, out of it, subdued, like we need to rest...like we're getting sick. But these are the feelings associated with depression, and depression seems to have a physical "cause" - inflammation...Again, the body and soul are connected in real ways.  These are ways that can be scientifically followed.

The article is long and deep, and it will take me awhile to get through it, but it is fascinating.

I was thinking about inflammation.  I was thinking about our need to control by having too much. We fear there is not enough, and so we pack our lives with too much. Is this a symptom of the crazy of our species?  And if we are one species, shouldn't we feel connection to the others of our species?  Then how can we gorge when we know there are hungry children?

I'm not quite clear on what I am thinking, but this is what is rolling around in my brain these days...

I am tired...

Love and hugs from Clare

love, light, healing

Hi Maggie,

Sounds like a fun job...not only can you do something to make a difference, but it sounds like fun.  I hope you really love it.

No snow here. Just the few inches we got last week. And it's going to be mid-40's this week, which means MUD!  I moved and stacked firewood today. After I got started, Nephew came and helped me. It's a good workout. Bending, lifting, twisting, pushing the wheelbarrow.  I felt strong. Came in a found a challenge on our favorite social media. Since 22 vets commit suicide every day, the challenge is to do 22 push ups every day for the next 22 days.  That is until Valentine's Day.

I do old lady push ups with bent knees. I did 7 in my first batch, and will finish in 2 more bouts. But I'm doing it!

Didn't sleep well last night. That was probably because of the full moon. So I was working with three intelligences, which has been my meditation at night lately.  I have been working with Love, Light and Healing.  I have been sort of analyzing myself in the realm of each.

Love, I sort of understand and sort of don't. I really know love of Earth and of others who share the planet with us.  I know love of family, love of friends.  But I stumble over one-on-one, romantic bonds where we must be probably the absolutely most vulnerable possible in this existence.  I want to be love, to be loving...I'm working on it.

Later, I got trapped in this, because I became curious about my emotions.  That is thanks to Brene Brown.  So I'm deeper, maybe more exposed to myself.  Strange thinking about vulnerability in terms of allowing myself to see me...

Light is fun. I have been trying to light up every cell in my body.  But in thinking about Love last night, I sort of came face-to-face with my hermit tendencies.  And Light told me to lighten up. I've gotta laugh more.

And I know that. I've written that here before. Sometimes I feel like I'm boring and I go in circles, not getting anywhere but deeper.

Healthy is a scan of my body. Where am I not flowing?  How do I remedy that?

All together, they provide another way of looking at my whole self.

So that is where my mind is now.  And it is very quiet here. so I am going to do...something quiet...hmmm...write or knit or watch a movie...

Love and hugs from Clare

not much deep thought today

Clare,

The new agency is called Vision. They facilitate county wide projects that are focused on improving life. They are involved in health, preventive health, arts, suicide prevention, youth job programs, and other things.
The new position is called "project director"…
I will basically be learning the ropes, meeting the people in the county who get things done, and take on at least one project that needs time and energy at this point.
At this time it will be part-time because I cannot walk away from my commitment to the university. After May, I can agree to take on additional hours and decrease my work at the university if I want to.

I spent most of yesterday working outside clearing snow. It took 3 clearings to actually make the driveway and sidewalks clear. It is hard work, but I love to be outside in the snow. It's pure, and no one bothers me…kind of like mowing the lawn. The cold was not fun, but if I kept moving it was comfortable.

My kid has off school tomorrow because the back roads and parking lots aren't cleared yet. I went to pick up my young men and got stuck on the hill up to the house. It literally took about half and hour of trying to drive up and spinning the tires to finally give up and back down…very carefully. We got home safely thankfully. I'm going to have husband drive them home in his 4 wheel drive jeep.

My son wants to study marketing. He is taking 2 classes this semester Intro to Marketing and Painting. He has both classes on Tues/Thurs. It's a good balance for him. He rally enjoyed the first class in each…a good start. I'm thankful.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

nothing much...

Congratulations Maggie!

I did not know for sure that you got the new position. Now I need details. What will you be doing? Will it be full time?  Life is exciting when the changes come barrelling at us.

I am so aware that it is snowing. I can feel it snowing. But we are not getting even a flake here. Even though I have checked the radar a couple of times, and I know we are not in the path, I am waiting for it. Maybe I am experiencing it vicariously through my sisters!!  Three of you are in the thick of it!

What is your older son studying? What is his passion? If he is putting a distance between himself and old friends, he is growing up!  More congratulations, mama!

It is quiet here today. And I have no sense of time.  I worked this morning, after once I was done, it seemed like the day was just beginning.  Nephew commented on it being afternoon, and I was shocked. My inner time clock was off.  My goal was to work, write reports, then write.

Instead I talked to my oldest son for a long time.  It felt so good to connect.  Then I caught up on some committee work for Meeting.  Caught up on email - and the afternoon was gone. 

I've been spending quiet moments in my seed catalogs, trying to decide what I should plant this year. This is the time of year when the garden is absolutely perfect.  Every year.  This year my train of thought is - what did the groundhog leave alone last year. That is what I will plant more of this year. That means no spinach, no peas.

I guess this is just a check in day. I haven't watched anything or read anything that has triggered me today.  Everything is about the snow we are not getting!

I'll be back tomorrow!

Love and hugs from Clare

transitions

Clare,

It is a snowy, cold day…
and yet there is beauty in it.
The snow is still pure and white.
The railings of my deck are peaked, like sandcastles.
There is snow on my evergreen decorations under my outdoor lights, still left from the holidays…
green, red, brown and whites…
My boys are both home…
both of their restaurants have closed for the day…
so we are just hanging out…
very comfortably.

My older son started college classes this past week. He was SO excited when he came home after class. He is animated and excited to get into these classes. It's great to see him alive again…
moving forward with enthusiasm.
Husband and I are talking about moving him into an apartment near the school. If he likes it, and intends to go for several semesters we are going to start looking. He really needs to be out of this county. The temptations are too great…
but he has intentionally put space between himself and the friends who use substances and pull him down. He will end up going back to all of that if he gets too bored. Boredom is his greatest enemy.

Anyway, I am trying to start a book today and I just can't make myself read. I am tired from shoveling, but will have to find something else to do.

I think I told you that the board of the non-profit approved my employment. I will begin to transition this week. I have to transition my clients to other therapists. I have to transition my schedule to accommodate the new responsibilities. I have to transition my family to accept any changes that come along. It's a time for transitions…
life is good.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

the story

Hi Maggie,

Something started twisting around in my mind. If we are to love our neighbor as ourselves, and we are all beaten down to a point of self repugnance, the love we have for our neighbor won't be very effective or strong. Or else we will try to soothe our pain by loving our neighbor more than ourselves, which won't be very authentic.

Maybe that's part of this pervasive violence we live in.  Knock out connection to self, and we have knocked out connection.

I like the approach you have been advised to take. Foster the boy you are already connected to, and continue to build connection with his brother. Then whether you decide to foster the brother or not, they stay connected.

Are you in the path of the storm?  We aren't, although we are in the peripheral path of the wind.  So tomorrow will be icy.  My least favorite pattern - icy winds. I think it will be an inside day.  I am working for a few hours in the morning, but then...maybe I'll write.

I had a committee meeting last night. I was able to understand and use the Brene rumble. I have been thinking a lot about,  "The story I'm telling myself..."  and it is a great tool to see how I am  creating a scenario just based on my worldview, my interpretation of what is happening. Somehow, even if I don't say it out loud, stopping to consider the story I am telling myself changes my perspective - just enough.

I noticed I am even telling my stories a little differently.

End of a longish week,and I find I am not thinking deeply or profoundly. Maybe tomorrow will be better...

Blame it on the full  moon?

Love and hugs from Clare

Stray thought - I have a friend who is healthier than I am, and who is very loving.  Sometimes when I don;t know how to be loving, I imagine her and consider something she might do.  Kind of back to the we help each other be more loving train of thought...

growth is good

Clare,

Love thy neighbor as yourself…

That's one statement from the bible that I believe. So, we do not love others until we love our own, imperfect self. We all have shit to hide. We all have those imperfections that we believe disqualify us from being truly lovable. We all know the secrets of our hearts. But we are all lovable.

I have clients, who before they confide a secret to me, preface it with, "you won't think the same about me after I tell you this." They are correct. I never see them the same again. When they share their painful secrets I love them more. I understand their pain more. I can say, "you're doing the best you can, under these extraordinary circumstances."

Today I began telling clients that I am leaving counseling. I explained my new position and the need to assign them to a new therapist. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was worse than asking husband to leave the house honestly…because he had made me so frustrated I was prepared to ask him to leave. These clients have done nothing wrong…in fact they are doing really well. I don't think I realized what a relationship I've built with each one. One woman cried. One said she's been dumped before (2 previous therapists have left the agency). The other was a 5 year old who said he'd miss me.
It was an eye opening experience. I am beginning to see more clearly how relationships are built.
This job has been a growth experience for me…
growth is good.

We met with Child and Youth yesterday. We had a lot of questions answered and I believe that we are going to move forward with fostering. The recommendation is to take the older brother home at this point and continue weekly visitation with the younger. The group home representative said the younger is acting out frequently and will sabotage the older's chance at permanence at this point. So, husband and I will figure out a time line and move forward. I am relieved by the recommendation because I am so comfortable with the older boy…and still understand there will be testing of boundaries and issues that surface. It will be more easily manageable for all of us.

I've been interrupted twice during the writing of this, so it may not flow well…
sorry.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

just barely...but still good enough

Hi Maggie,

Just wait, in good faith...what is supposed to happen will happen if we stay open...And you are ready to say Yes!

Interesting question - why do we hear the hateful, critical voices rather than the loving acceptance?

My closest friend from college made herself an Atta Girl! File.  Every time she got a good comment, great grade, a compliment of any kind - she put it in a file.  Then when she was feeling beaten down, she pulled out the file and reminded herself of the truth.

But why don't we hear the loving acceptance?  A few answers popped into my mind...

First, once we have been humiliated and shown that we aren't acceptable, we aren't enough, maybe we just can't hear the praise and love and acceptance any more.  I don't do this any more, but when I was younger, and someone said something wonderful to me, I would brush it off with the thought,  "Yeah, if you really knew how bad I am, you wouldn't think so."

I'm older and wiser now. I still brush it off, but I don't think that thought any more!  Progress!

Maybe having rejection and disgust, separation, showered down on us from those powerful enough to own us destroys our ability to love ourselves. I wonder, sometimes, if something is irrevocably broken.  I remember again, precise thoughts of a very young me, thinking it was like a rule.  Parents had to love their children. And if Dad did not love me, there had to be something terribly wrong with me.  It never, ever entered my mind that there might be something wrong with Dad.

God, I hope I did not do that to my children.  Because I think Dad was simply wrapped up in his own pain, and totally unaware of how I was interpreting everything that happened...

I had another theory why we don't hear loving kindness.  Maybe we take these deep into our heart. Maybe we treasure these moments, these memories, these words.  Maybe these are the frameworks that hold us up and keep us going and give us the strength to get up each morning. We don't hear them because we embody them. Maybe enough of these statements can allow us to build above the negative ones. 


I agree that we must love ourselves in  order to be loved.  But I think maybe we help each other along. As you love me a little more, I love myself a little more, I love you a little more which makes you love me a little more.  And maybe the courage to let someone love you, to see you, even just a little, maybe it's a good-enough first step.  Maybe I am good enough for that.


Maybe good enough comes in little tiny increments...


You asked about Ishmael.  I read it for the first time about eight years ago, followed by the Story of B. I got Ishmael from one of my kids, because they were all passing it around, reading it intently and discussing it. I know at least three of my kids devoured this book.  So, the book had already been published for at least five years before anyone I know found it. I have no idea what the initial reviews were like.

It is quiet here tonight...quiet, but toddler messy. And I have a committee meeting here tomorrow night...ahhh, life!


Love and hugs from Clare

voices all the time

Clare,

Those voices inside our heads can get pretty loud and insistent…
Not enough…
not good enough…
not pretty enough…
not smart enough…
not doing enough…
not feminine enough…
not BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!!

"Voices" (song by Chris Young)

You could say I'm a little bit crazy
You could call me insane
Walkin' 'round with all these whispers
Runnin' 'round here in my brain

I just can't help but hear 'em
Man, I can't avoid it
I hear voices
I hear voices like

My dad sayin', "Work that job
But don't work your life away"
And mama tellin' me to drop some cash
In the offerin' plate on Sunday

And granddad sayin', "You can have a few
But don't ever cross that line"
Yeah, I hear voices all the time

Turns out I'm pretty dang lucky
For all that good advice
Those hard-to-find words of wisdom
Holed up here in my mind

And just when I've lost my way
Or I've got too many choices
I hear voices
I hear voices like

My dad sayin', "Quit that team
And you'd be a quitter for the rest of your life"
And mama tellin' me to say a prayer
Every time I lay down at night

And grandma sayin', "If you find the one
You better treat her right"
Yeah, I hear voices all the time

Sometimes I try to ignore 'em
But I thank God for 'em
'Cause they made me who I am

I wish we could all hear positive voices like the lyrics of this song. Voices that build us from the inside rather than reinforce our need to self-loath and self-doubt.

I counsel people to first notice them, then begin to stop them as soon as they recognize the "tape" is playing. It is a pre-recorded message meant to not allow us to get "too big for our britches"! I am forever stumped why the good, positive messages fade away, and these remain crisp, clear and powerful. Eventually I ask people to contradict them out loud…preferably into a mirror.

I've always believed that a person must love themselves to be in true relationship. I wonder if relationship can grow from a respect of the other's perspective of us? Does their love and acceptance make us lovable? Interesting question.

I have finished Ishmael and The Story of B…
what a paradigm shift. I will never look at the world, people, and biblical history in the same way. I am changed. Thanks for sending The Story of B…I will share it with my friend who told me about Ishmael.

I am not feeling well tonight…
achey,
a little nauseated,
Not myself.
I think I'm going to lay on the couch and see what happens.

I should hear about the new job on Friday. Tomorrow the board of directors votes on the proposal. Hold this in the Light…please.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

gifts of love

Hi Maggie -

It is cold and it is blustery here too.  But we are too far north-west of the upcoming storm.  The original prediction said we might get about 4 inches of snow.  The current forecast shows us being completely missed. 

Too weird.

You know, when I am kind to others, I don't hear their inner voices.  I just get that flush of warmth and connection no matter what the recipient is feeling.  When I am kind to myself, it starts a major inner argument with all my selves.  I get Dad's voice and Mom's and mine, and my sib's and then some of Pop - it's a real circus in my head some days.  And the cutting remarks rain on me - and when vulnerable enough to actually want to do something for myself, I am soft and those shards of disgust really inflict damage. Sometimes the logic-voice saves me the trouble and reasonably points out why we can't afford it anyway...so, why bother.

So maybe I'll just start asking all those selves - What if this is the best I can do?  Maybe I can soften myself and accept myself...

I hear your advice with my head, not my heart...gotta open way to my heart, gotta figure out how to integrate.

Part of it may be allowing someone else to love me. If you can love me, maybe I am loveable, and I can find it in myself to see myself as worthy. Maybe this is part of the gift we give each other.

It strikes me that by allowing you to care about me, to be part of my life, to love me while I don't love myself is kind of an insult to you.  This may be twisted, but who cares if it is a twisted path if it takes us home to our heart. I have to respect you by accepting myself...

Not sure if I believe that yet. I will have to sit with it...

If you were too hasty, my sister, then know you just made a leap of faith and something will be waiting!!

I've been working on my book. I have been telling everyone, as a way of making myself accountable. I know I can do it, and do it well. I just coward out because I don't want anyone to look at me.  I guess in a way, this book is not only a gift of love to my children, it is also a gift of love to myself...

Oh  no...

Enjoy yoga!  Love and hugs from Clare

too hasty…probably not

Clare,

You offer yourself the loving kindness that you so willingly give to others.
You treat yourself gently and compassionately.
You learn to love yourself.

I offer these words…
time and time again to clients…
and they still hold power for me.
They are true.
They are powerful.
They are so damned difficult to put into action.

I have a doodle on my wall.
A woman, looking totally defeated is standing in front of a blazing fire. She steps into it.
She steps out radiant from the energy and cleansing of the fire.
The dark night of the soul describes a maturing of spirit as laying a green piece of wood onto a fire…letting the water pop and crack out of it from the heat…
letting the bulk of the wood burn away…
eventually leaving only red, hot coals…
the true essence of the wood.
So, you're removing parts of you that no longer serve you. What remains will be fabulous. What remains will need your loving kindness, and you will have cultivated loving kindness along the way to nurture it.

It is a cold and blustery night. I am going out to yoga, because I missed it last week due to slippery roads. We are anticipating a snowfall this weekend, so I'm getting out while I can. Despite wanting to stay warm and cozy right here. I am scheduled to do Reiki 1 level training on Saturday, but it looks as if it will be postponed. I'm disappointed, but I know it will happen eventually.

I told my office (counseling) that I am leaving for another position. I explained the nature of my new position and all were very supportive. I really do love the people I work with…I'm just ready for this challenge/opportunity at this time. I have been given a list of my clients and have to assign them all to new therapists. I have been asked to see each at least one last time to explain my leaving and the transition. I know it's important, but I hate the idea of that many explanations…I wish I could just write a letter…but that would be cowardly.

I should hear on Friday if my position was fully approved by the board of the non-profit. I anticipate it being ok, so I moved ahead with the resignation.
I hope I wasn't too hasty…probably not!

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

keep going

Hi Maggie,

 When you wrote that my ex and I still have a relationship. my inner child said - "Uh-uh, no we don't."  But some trace of adult somewhere in my felt calm acceptance with your observation.

I love the poem.  I read it several times, and every time it was powerful.  Every single time.

And I am glad that you are walking into fostering with such awareness.  I tend to just do things. Then I sort of sort it out as I go.  Sometimes it works - usually it works. Sometimes there is a lesson I did not expect.

Just reread the poem...still powerful...thank you for sharing.

Brene continues to blow me away. 

"When you look away from a homeless person, you diminish their humanity, and your own." She started an analysis of need with these words from her pastor.

That hit my heart.  When we were at the Sciencenter this weekend, there was an autistic boy standing near a water table not screaming, but maybe keening.  We stayed calm and worked around him.  I didn't really look at him. So, what I taught my grandchildren was to ignore someone different, someone who might be in pain. I know this isn't exactly the same as not seeing homeless or dirty or hungry or drugged out or mentally ill, but it did trigger me.  I know there was nothing I could do, especially because I am a stranger. But, again, it triggered me.  We diminished his humanity by not "seeing"him.

It was fresh - that uncertainty...so the pastor's words made way into me.

And almost at the end of her rumble with need she said,

"I realized that the real reason I look away is not my fear of helping others, but my fear of needing help."

As I read those words, an amazing tension came from my heart, and crept up my body, freezing my jaw.  I wanted to wail, but Nephew was home and I did not want to talk about what was wrong. And so I found myself sobbing breathlessly without tears.  I couldn't breathe.

I don't think I have ever had such a strong physical reaction to an emotional wallop as this.

This seems to be the core of my I am not enough...I am not worth helping...my needs can wait, forever.  I hate asking anyone for help. I am so frightened, so humiliated. I beat myself to a pulp inside.

Now, faced with this truth...what do I do????  What do I do???

Read more Brene, I suppose.

Love and hugs from Clare

the best we can...

Clare,

As I read your last post I was struck by the portion about your marriage ending. You did the best you could, under the circumstances…
you really did.
I want to propose to you an alternative point of view…
your marriage ended…
your relationship with you ex-husband continues.
Your relationship morphed into something different…
not dependent upon the other…
but you see each other, work together, generally get along, disagree in a respectful manner…
it's still a relationship.

I don't know…

Yesterday at Meeting I provided opening exercises. I shared a poem, The Invitation…
it is a powerful self-reflection. I shared it below. I sat in Meeting thinking I am trying to accept others by these ideas…
feeling good about myself…
that's usually a sign that I have a lesson to learn.
Gradually it shifted for me…
I started to read it through the eyes of the young men we're visiting with.
the section… It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
I started to cry. I suddenly felt the terror of taking responsibility for others' lives and wellbeing. I questioned myself…
Do I have enough to raise these young men?
I do believe that I have enough…
logically and intellectually I believe…
but what about standing in the pain, grief, and joy with them?
I do feel led to take this path. I asked for the support of the Meeting as we consider this path. Many people offered help and support.
It's all about relationship…
and vulnerability…
tough stuff.
I will do the best I can, under the circumstances.
And I do truly believe you are doing the best you can…
it makes for a kinder, gentler world.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

The Invitation

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

home page

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Yes!

Hi Maggie,

The music of the day is Ashokan Farewell.  It is in my mind and in my heart, and so I have been playing it, trying to get the feel inside me...I think it may be one of the most evocative violin pieces ever written.

And it kind of matches my mood.

I have been reading the Brene Brown book before bed every evening.  I am to the part where she asks,  "What if the person is doing the best they can?'

It is powerful.  I tried it on a few situations.  It melted me a bit more. Every situation seemed different after I asked the question.

I saw an article this week that talked about leaving relationships - should we do it?  The answer seemed to be - not as often as we do.  So I sort of put myself back in those days when my marriage was ending. I asked what if my ex was doing the best he could.  A sort of sweet sadness passed over me.  I have not been angry with him for many, many years...occasionally frustrated, but not angry, not hurt.  As I let those feelings wash over me, I wondered if I tried hard enough.  I sat with that for awhile.  But I remembered. I remembered not laughing for years.  Being married to an alcoholic is very hard, sad work.  I remembered telling him that things had to change if he wanted the marriage to last.  He wasn't willing to do anything.

I stayed years longer than friends expected, wanting to make sure I did everything I could to make the marriage work. In the end, I believe I did - I tried everything. It didn't work. But the sweetness was unexpected. I'm so used to feeling - not much of anything.  When I see him we are like old distant friends. When we are together, we gossip - about old friends and family, and not much more.  It is peaceful and settled.

But then...Then I tried it on me...What if I am  doing my best?  Nooooooooo!!  I'm not. Is this my inner judgmental perfectionist?  Do I have one of those?  So, what is stopping me? All the old demons - You're not good enough, why even try? Who do you think you are?  Childhood quotes - challenges lashed at me.  And the child knows...I am nothing.  I am not enough.

What if I am doing my best?...with my health, with my life, with my karmic debts?...I can't find the sweet place.  I can't find the softness, the welcome, that I felt for others when I tried their situation on through this perspective.

Maybe we're not supposed to try this on ourselves.  Maybe this is a gift we give to others. Maybe I'm twisting the idea to maintain my alone...But it is triggering something inside of me.  I am seeing myself, I am seeing my issues, my frozen parts differently.

I am getting gooier in my heart. I am changing.

Back to your question...would mandatory parental leave mean shorter leaves for women, to accommodate men who can't detach?  Maybe at first.  Maybe for some families.  But I think this attitude of - I have to earn, I am only as good as my job - that is part of the male oppression.  I think there are men out there who are dying to be a part of their family, who would love to be as important and "in" as mommy.  We need a few brave men to go first, and I think the dam will burst. Men will admit they are/they want that softness, and they will recognize they are nurturers.

I was thinking about the heirarchy of oppression.  I see the pyramid with rich white men at the pinnacle.  I think we are digging out the bottom when we  address racism, sexism, classism.  That is one approach...we undermine the base and the top collapses.  I was wondering what would happen if we released the weight of rich, white male empowerment.  What if we addressed the ways our culture destroys their humanity and allows them to ignore hungry children, and raped women, support preemptive strikes and war.  If that was lifted, would the "isms" dissolve?  Would it be a less violent change?  But if we did analyze what happened to them then get in their face with it, once again, just like in every classroom - the white boys get all the attention...

But one way or another, change is coming.  It's like a flood. You may be able to divert a little for a little while, but when the onslaught hits, we will be washed clean.  A rich, well-educated, white guy told me that!

I thought I was going to clean house and work on my book.  Instead I went to the Sciencenter with my three local grandchildren.  It is the year of saying Yes!  And so far, it has been littered with sparkling gifts!

Sending love and, of course, hugs!

Clare

drawing a blank

Clare,

I am intrigued by the idea of mandatory equal time off. I wonder if that would encourage longer maternity leaves or pressure for shorter ones? The male ego would have trouble stepping away for a long period of time…at least the ones that I've known in my careers.

The cows' milk comments are interesting…on Wednesday I was talking about evolution over thousands of years versus epigenetic changes over one lifecycle…one student asked why humans were losing their ability to drink milk when it is so important for our health. I actually laughed (slightly) and told him that he had been brainwashed by the Milk Council's advertising. It worked well into my lecture which stressed the need for critical thinking and knowing who paid for the research you're buying into.

Today was a quiet day…5 clients in the office. Each with their own challenges. I sit and listen…part of me knowing that soon I will probably be leaving them to the care of another therapist. It confuses me…part is ready for the new challenge (that hopefully will be offered tomorrow)…part wants to save them…but I am not egotistical enough to believe that I have what it takes to heal them…but I do help them along the way.

I am tired and drawing a blank. Did I tell you that Glennon, the author of the first book, is a speaker at that conference in October? She and Brene will be the speakers in Delaware.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

loops

Hi Maggie,

Mine were all cow's-milk intolerant, also. I could not have any dairy products while nursing.  I remember calling and ordering a pizza with no cheese, lots of veggies, once.  They thought it was a joke.  When I counseled breastfeeding moms, we had a lot of allergies, and often, no one was ever able to identify the culprit.  It happened a lot.

And I so think you are right.  This generation is different. Mine seemed different, but the grandchildren - I can see it. I can see a different kind of intelligence. I can see a compatibility, innate ability, with technology.  They just know.

You asked an extremely powerful question.  How do we allow for prolonged attachment as well as the freedom to develop a career?  I have no power, but a few answers popped into my head.

But we have to change society...which is so doable.

I think we need a law stating that men and women with equal education and experience in same level positions must make the same amount of money.  The same should be true between races, but that's a whole 'nother train of thought.  Then, women should be given long, paid maternity leave, but men should be forced to take the exact same amount of time off - mandatory and equal parental leaves. I am led to believe that women are not promotable because they are going to take time off to have babies, they are going to take time off if kids are sick.  We have this cultural belief that women will provide home and stability that will provide the freedom for a man to build his career.  Let's equalize that.  My son and his wife alternate days off when kids are sick.  Let that be mandatory, too.

I always hated the brush-off I got from intelligent, well-educated people when I said I was a mom.  Parenting has such low status attached to us.  What happened?  How did raising our next generation become menial and worthless?

I don't think you are building a career now. I think you are a perfect example of a renaissance woman on the way to the next big adventure. You can do anything, and, a lot of it you have. Just because some of it was not paid does not mean it was not real and valid.  It really insults me that the only experiences that have any value are the ones we were paid for.

Sort of loops back to my issues of money and worthiness.

I think your youngest is just one of a kind - sensitive, intelligent, still in touch with past life experiences.  He's a challenge, especially to himself, and he is your gift!

Tired...still reading Brene before bed. Really asking myself about curiosity.  I am a very curious person. But I have not been curious enough about my emotions. Time for courage, and something emotional to happen!!

Love and hugs from Clare

quiet days

Clare,

First the answer to your direct question, no, my youngest did not have any perinatal problems. He was with me almost constantly. He was the only one that I did not return to work after the birth. I took 8 weeks with the girls and 6 months with my older boy, but was a non-working mom for the youngest. He went to a lot of places with me. I was very busy with his siblings, so he came along. He was extremely sensitive from the beginning. I had to seriously alter my diet when he was 6 months because he was developing eczema and ear infections. Once I eliminated dairy from my diet he cleared- for the most part. I breast fed him until about 17 months. He had multiple food allergies despite the breast feeding.

I am about half way through the Story of B, I had a very quiet day yesterday and took the  opportunity to read. It is amazing, how twisted the story has become. Humans were/are created to rule the world. I cannot believe how blind we all are (most anyway). I do believe that any humans who survive this mass extinction that we are presently experiencing will be indigenous people -Leavers. It is sad how deceived we've been. It is also amazingly eye opening that some of the most evil corporations are the agribusinesses. It is so much clearer now.

We do need to allow for prolonged attachments. How do we accomplish that and still allow women equal access to employment and opportunity? How do we satisfy both of those simultaneously? I chose to have children and make them my first priority. Even as a part-time professional I was discriminated against in pay and hours. I was never taken seriously for management. I never had enough time in to establish seniority. So, at 54, I am still building a career. I told the board president on Monday, "I am not worried about a large salary. I want to do meaningful work." But, would they consider a man taking less than a decent salary for the same work? They would be embarrassed to make the offer, afraid of insulting him. But, I spoke truth, and I stand by the statement.

That's all for now. Husband and youngest are out at a hockey game for the evening. I am going to try to finish B tonight. I am afraid the woman is going to be killed and then the priest becomes B and he's killed…I hope I'm wrong.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
maggie

churning

Hi Maggie,

I don't remember why, but it seems to me that your second was hospitalized after birth.  Did anything similar happen to the youngest?  Mine, who was hospitalized, had problems with anger control.  I did a lot of reading about that...about the effects of separation from mama, from that lack of touch, and what it does to brain chemistry.  My son's wife had a brother who was hospitalized frequently after birth, and who reacted much the same way as my son - so the pattern is familiar to her.

We know that allergies get worse every generation, and have a lot of unsuspected effects on sufferers - knowing or not. 

The poisons in the environment affect our babies before they are even born.  Then we have poisons in our breast milk, or who-knows-what in formula.  I saw a study that reported every mother has jet fuel in her breast milk. Every single one...

It must go for bovine mothers whose milk we steal also...

And I have a suspicion about the use and overuse of ultrasound. I have read that it causes hot spots, that sometimes it is medically used to cause hot spots...who knows what that does to a fetus.  I saw data once showing the increase of autism connected directly to the use of ultrasound.  I think that it will be like X-rays.  Sometime in the future, we're going to regret the overuse.  I had a Friend, an older man, with skin cancer...right where the doctors used X-rays to cure his acne when he was young.

How do we trust and support parents from the beginning?  Everything about birth and pregnancy is monitored and forced to conform to norms.  We do not trust our bodies.  Two weeks late - induced.   Failure to progress at an acceptable rate - Cesarean.  Then babe is whisked away and has drops that burn put in the eyes.   Vitamin K injected.  Breastfeeding is controlled, and if the babe is not successful enough to meet norms, then supplements...already mama knows she is not good enough.

As long as we make decisions based on money - where money is prominent and dominant - kids will come second, even if we are doing it for them.  As long as mamas get six weeks, unpaid, then must return to work...bonding becomes impossible.  It seems impossible...Not that parents fail to bond, but compare the effort of a newly delivered working mom, to someone who is still home recovering and being supported.

Maybe a first step is to fight for extended, paid parental leave for all mamas and dads.

An herbalist I always looked up to - Juliette di Bairiclai Levy - I got to sit at her feet once, and listen to her;  she had a story, I think in one of her books, about raising dogs.  She spoke about breeding dogs, overseeing pregnancy and nutrition. She described the healthy litter of puppies.  But one of her dogs controlled her own mating, and made a den, in the ground, then raised her own puppies.  She described those puppies - can you imagine how different they would be? Self-sufficient, knowing, capable, truly dog.

Could we even raise real humans anymore? We don't know attachment parenting...we know cute basinets and strollers.  In some cultures, mama and babe are tucked into bed and tended to until the umbilicus detaches.  Can you imagine? Staying put and resting, being taken care of for 10 days or so? I was always up and functioning within a day or two - good, strong, uncomplaining woman. I was never taken care of...part of my pattern...

I don't think we can be human until we reestablish our family, extended family, neighborhood, village, clan...our groups. Who do we belong to?  Who do we take care of? Who takes care of us? If my sisters had been nearby when I was birthing, I would have been taken care of. More than just having help at the birth and a few days after.  I would have been quilted into a group where I mattered, and I would not have had to struggle alone.  And when I was having a really hard time with my marriage, which was triggering all of the poisons from my childhood, someone could have stepped in and looked me in the eye, and seen me.

Writing this is bringing tears.

Instead I chose to distance myself from all of you, and practice our family pattern of being especially quiet when things were the absolute worst, when pain was almost unbearable, when I needed family the most.

But I distanced myself in order to survive. I think of a wounded animal that must hide from the predator if there is to be any chance of surviving.  I feel way over-dramatic writing that, to acknowledge that was in my mind, but it feels like truth.

I  guess I am on a roll, too...

I'll have to churn with this for awhile...

Love and hugs from Clare

on a roll

Clare,

I, too had a frequent "run away" child, my youngest. He would gather things, head down the driveway and quickly double-back and hang out in a shed he and B#4 built on the other side of our property. As he got older he still occasionally runs…to Hawk Mountain…several miles from our home. It gives him a physical release of whatever pain he is feeling and then solitude in the vast beauty of those cliffs. He calls me after an hour or so and asks for a pick up. The first time I was terrified. Then next time frightened, but had an inkling that he went that direction. Since then I tell him to call when he's ready as he is storming out the door. He knows I see him. I know he needs space.

As I learn about trauma and the signs in children, adolescents, and adults I wonder what happened to my kids. I know they weren't abused by either parent…
I was hyper vigilant and didn't trust husband to care for them alone.
Perhaps I was too neurotic?
I wonder because two had early, significant difficulties…
#2 and #4…
with emotional dysregulation and socializing.
I wonder if my genetic alterations due to my own abuse translated to these behaviors?
I feel as if I connected with all of my kids, spent time with them, loved them…
and yet we suffered.
SID…sensory integrative dysfunction…
my kids couldn't maintain balance of their nervous system unless we consciously did activities that would stimulate the deeper sensations- vibratory, proprioceptive, deep pressure…
my kids are highly sensitive people…
allergies…
food, environmental factors…
overwhelmingly intuitive of people's feelings towards them…
sensory overload.
Is this personal…
something I did or passed on?
Or, is it a shift towards a more highly attuned population?
I found books on Indigo Children when I was raising mine…
it helped me to understand them…
big picture understanding.
They were a lifesaver for me.
It validated what I was seeing and sensing from my kids that was unfamiliar to me from all of my training and experiences.

You ask about specific traumas and behaviors being linked…
the big link is that the disruptions in attachments to our parents…
neglect, abuse (physical, sexual and/or emotional)…
disrupted attachments translate into self-loathing and lack of self-worth…
these translate into self-destructive behaviors.
Substance abuse- drugs, alcohol, food, sex, gambling, cutting, excessive piercing/tattooing-
is all about self-hatred.
The diseases associated with childhood adversity stem from complications of the above behaviors or are due to a dysfunctional stress hormonal/nervous system because of overstimulation and underdevelopment due to chronic lack of safety and attachment to caregivers.

The answer to all of this is a generation away…
it begins with supporting parents from the very beginning to teach and model positive, effective parenting skills. The lecturer today said he can see the steps to abuse from a parent's perspective. You have a parent, who brings a myriad of poor attachments to their own children, many of whom have children to make things right…do better than their own parents did. They lack the ability to attach to their infants because those areas of their brain are "off-line". As the child grows they stop expecting mom to look into their eyes and coo and talk babble with them. They start to pull away or fuss when mom tries to interact and comfort them…they are not bonded…they are out of synch. Pretty soon every time mom reaches for the child it pulls away or cries- reminding mom what a fuck up she is…first as a child and now as a parent. She isn't connected to that child…even though her intentions were good at the beginning. Now there is a screaming toddler and no connection- discipline gets harsher and harsher… or she starts to leave the child with others instead of protecting them. She cannot read their signs of distress to new traumas because she always sees distress from the child. Does that make sense?
It makes sense to me…
and it's all too common.
If we could intervene with parenting classes…
parenting support…
respite for moms and dads…
we offer respite for hospice caregivers when the expected duration of suffering and hard work is 6 months…
why not offer respite for parents…
facing years of challenges.

I'm on a roll tonight.

Thank you so very much for the mittens and the book. I started the book about B today…it is really engaging. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

he speaks my mind

Hi Maggie,

I loved the article. I might say, "That friend speaks my mind!"  I absolutely agree with him!  I emailed it to a friend, someone who has included me in plans to begin some ACoA meetings in this area.

We comment occasionally on what it is that you are going to do.  I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps you are going to be the one to make sense of all the various symptoms, reactions, dis-eases connected to being raised in abuse.  Maybe with a base understanding of which types of abuse and intensity are most likely to lead to which types of addictions and responses in later life.

I've always loved seeing the big picture.  It helps so much.

I think, based on observation, that psychological/emotional abuse lead more toward substance addiction. Sexual abuse leads to obesity. But since sexual abuse is usually accompanied by other forms of abuse, substances are also abused...

I'm with you...and with Grandma.  I will sit and endure, not wanting to disrupt anyone else.  I don't want to be any trouble.  I can hear a feeble, little old lady voice saying that.

I had a memory of my oldest child declaring he was going to run away from home when he was about 4 or 5.  I remember running away several times when young. Mom never missed us. She probably appreciated the quiet...but he kept going by with his stuff, then with his younger brother, and finally he asked for the car keys.  I told him I wasn't going to let him have my car...

I didn't laugh at him - out loud. I reasonably stated - no car.  But I did laugh, to myself, to his dad, probably to our mom, and probably when he could hear me.  I remember thinking this was hysterically funny.  It was, but now, I wish I had been the kind of mama who gathered this beautiful boy in my arms and asked why he wanted to run away...and to listen to him...I'm not sure why that memory came out here, but I'm sure it fits, somehow!

Had two interesting dreams over the weekend. In one, my stomach is very uncomfortable. I reach down to sort of hold/adjust it, and I feel a baby kick me. I am pregnant.  My first thought was that my child would be younger than my grandchildren...Then  last night I dreamed I was flintknapping - making tools from flint. I had to hit the flint very forcefully, yet carefully - in an exact position.

I think this is writing the book. Trying to find time to write.  My granddaughter was very two today, making it hard to get anything done.  On these days, I have learned to simply give up and give her my undivided attention.  Then...my daughter called me on the way home and said my granddaughter was in her carseat, insistent that her mama call me and tell me to go outside and see the moon.  It was beautiful, and she was afraid I would miss it!

I did go out, but the moon had set. I stood in the frosty air and looked at the stars instead...I must remember to go outside!!!

Looking forward to how your next weeks unfold...

Love and hugs from Clare

too many letters

Clare,

I had an interview with the President of the Board of that non-profit I wrote about. He was young, had a very kind face, and was intelligent and connected. I liked him. I told him that I want to do this work, and am willing to slide into it as a project manager, part-time and build from there. He was very receptive and supportive. There is an executive board meeting on Thursday so I will hear on Friday what their plans for me are.

Today was the first day of the semester. It amazes me how excited I get for the first day. I still get butterflies. My Monday begins with a 3 hour physiology lab from 8 - 11am. It cannot start any worse… but the students were great. I also had an old edition of the lab manual, which had a different exercise, so I just had to "go with the flow". I had the BiSci class following lab. That was fun. I feel as if they all just look at me like I'm crazy…no final, open book exams…optional projects. What they don't understand is that by not being extremely demanding, most of them actually show up and learn for the sake of learning.

I do think the swamp is a good place…
at least for me.
Walking through something deliberately…
with the physical sense of the dark, murkiness and yet fertile space is incredibly helpful for me.

I was watching my trauma lecture today, it was about diagnosing Complex Trauma. It is frustrating how people who were traumatized regularly as children end up with multiple diagnoses…and yet main line psychiatry isn't saying WTF??? isn't there one entity to describe this collection of symptoms…particularly when the diagnoses and behaviors are about poor emotional control, self-loathing, self-destruction, and crappy attachments (poor relationships). Still, to be reimbursed you've got to list all diagnoses. This group is really lobbying to get this recognized. I can recognize it. I see it in my kids with ADHD- who could sit still when you're constantly on guard for the next hurt or rejection? Or the ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) who wouldn't test everyone around them when their caregivers weren't trustworthy? Or IED (intermittent explosive disorder) those that overreact to the slightest stimulation because they've been hurt too many times before.
There was an interesting thing that happened during the lecture. The lecturer was setting up a video and a woman got up and moved to the other side of the table. The lecturer stopped and noticed. He said, "I can tell you that you were not an abused child. Abused children would stay in the same place, knowing they weren't meant for something good, and have their rejections and unworthiness reinforced."
It is so true. How many times I sat still with a "less than" experience because I didn't want to bother anyone.
He showed a video of an experiment where a mom and her toddler are playing and then mom is signaled to freeze- no words, no facial changes, nothing. Quickly the toddler tries to engage, and then push mom to acknowledge, and finally to collapse into their body in frustration…all with a few minutes. The lecturer talked about responsiveness…all I could think about was sitting on those steps screaming till my throat hurt and no one even looking…at least that I knew.
Availability and responsiveness…those are the key components to attachment and trust…
and ultimately relationship.
We went back to the swamp to find some of that…
but mostly to cleanse it and leave it in the dark waters

I was going to share some of the book Ishmael at Meeting this sunday. Did that book have popularity with quakers in the 90's when it was published? Will most of them already be familiar with it? I'm not sure it's as novel as I found it to be.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

I found this article today…you might find it interesting
https://www.thefix.com/gabor-maté-addiction-holocaust-disease-trauma-recovery

isms

Hi Maggie,

Thinking about the "isms" - feminism, sexism, racism, classism...

All of the work we are doing is so important. We need to understand the ways we have been oppressed in order to  - I don't know - rise above it.

But it only looks at part of the picture. It seems to me that feminism focuses on oppression of women by men. Racism focuses on the increasing oppression we face as the hue of our skin becomes darker.  We end up lashing out at men, or at whites...then trying to separate ourselves from them.

But if we take two steps back and understand that those who oppress us have also been oppressed...could we find our way to identifying and spotlighting those who are on top of the "ism" heap? Who is currently winning at King of the Hill?

We need to look at the whole picture, then work on our little corner of it. We need to stop lashing out at those closest to us, for they are victims of the same charade...

Random thoughts...

Love and hugs from Clare

Institutionalize!

Hi Maggie,

I read the four secret steps. Perhaps the secret is to not get comfortable, not go to sleep.  I struggle most with understanding ego.  I can't tell if I'm egotistical or not.  I am the center of my world, but I think I have made room for others...if that's even a correct view...

Reading about your developing relationship with your possibly new foster son, and I would reverse the question. Why would you not put yourself out for him?  I wonder what your past life connections are!

I struggle with public education. I see it as an institution charged with forming an adequate, uncomplaining workforce.  It is based on competition - not everyone can get an A, grading on the curve - someone has to fail, it is devised to allow kids with a specific learning style to shine.  Others - well, their intelligence just isn't...it isn't good or worthwhile.  It is definitely based on obedience and conformity.  Ask permission to go to the bathroom?  Really?  And who is the good student?  The one who parrots the teacher.

This has become even worse since the original No Child Left Behind.  Friends who teach say they are simply teaching children to pass tests now, in order to maintain funding.  The law was recently revamped.  We'll see if there are any changes.

I was listening to Car Talk one Saturday morning and the brothers were talking about the lack of car technicians nowadays. Pay is improving, because there is competition for workers, not for jobs - as in other fields. This is true for all of the trades.  But we don't feel like successful parents unless our children gradulate from a university. What lingers in the back of my mind is a statement I read once, years ago:  More damage has been wrought on this planet with people with Ph. D.s than by any other group.

Schools don't teach critical thinking, nor do they applaud the individualist.

I was subbing in a middle school one day.  We were watching and discussing the documentary Supersize Me.  There was a segment where the guy doing the 'eat only McDonalds food for 30 days' experiment looked at school lunches.  Then he went to a school for kids with behavioral problems.  The school began a garden and most lunches came from their garden.  Behavioral problems diminished, simply because of the dietary change.

We watched, we discussed, we did the quiz.  These kids got it. They really understood the difference that came from eating whole foods.  After class, I followed them down to the cafeteria for lunch duty. Every single one of them ate shit.

That is what public school education is.

Worried about plastic in the environment?  Yet we buy plastic.  Understand the way animals are treated in a CAFO? Yet we eat cheap meat.  We demand cheap meat!

For some reason we have not made the connection between ourselves, our actions, and the way the world is. Public education!!!

I went to a used book store yesterday and found a revisionist history, Mayflower by Nathaniel Philbrick.  Howard Zinn and his book, The People's History of the United States, changed my world.  I look for histories now that look at what happened from a fuller point of view, rather than from the pont of view of the winner.

What caught me last night, as I was reading, and I wanted to share it with you was the following passage:

Over the winter, as the Pilgrims continued to bury their dead surreptiously, Massasoit gathered together the region's powwows, or shamans, for a three day meeting "in a dark and dismal swamp."    Swamps were where the Indians went in time of war:  they provided a natural shelter for the sick and the old; they were also a highly spiritual landscape,where the unseen currents of the spirits intermingles with he hoots of owls.

Makes me wonder how sacred the swamp really is.  Maybe we have to muck around in it first, then climb out and see it in its entirety.

Hope you are having a productive day...

Love and hugs from Clare

Why?

Clare,
I am, hopefully, in the last day of a 3 day headache. I get these occasionally. I am skipping Meeting because it is a long day with worship and business meetings. My semester begins tomorrow and I have some final preparation to be ready for that. I hate skipping Meeting…
probably my Catholic indoctrination…
but there is that sense of community and deep peace that I miss also.
I get a lot out of attending and sinking deep.

I had one of the young men yesterday. The younger had a tough week behaviorally so he was not able to come along. We went to the movies, met my #2 daughter and had a nice time. The house was very quiet. Husband was working. Son#1 was working and son #2 was sleeping very late. I'm trying to not build exciting activities into our visits because I don't want the young men to have a false sense of what life is like at my house. The older boy commented that he just likes the freedom to hang out and move around the house freely. He commented that where he's been there have been parts of the house that they are forbidden to go into. I just asked him to be respectful of others' privacy and space.
The simple things this kid wants, makes me ashamed of all the things mine want and say they need.
I think it will give mine a different perspective of life through the young men's eyes.
Husband and I are meeting with CYS and the group home staff on Wednesday to discuss rules, regulations, expectations…we're trying to get a clear picture of what we are potentially entering into. I am excited and afraid. Part of me questions why?
Why are you putting yourself out for some kids who may or may not respond?
But then I see this young man and he is just shining from within…
despite the garbage that's been shoveled onto him he still shines.
He is tentative about getting too comfortable.
He is timid about getting too close.
But, when he talks about his brother he points out that he and I have a relationship that's almost 2 years long…trust is excruciating…for all of us.
God, this is bringing me, all of us, to the edge of vulnerability.

The movie we saw yesterday was an action film about people searching for enlightenment through extreme physical challenges. There were many "zen" messages embedded within the dialogue. The one that stuck with me was that 'you become one with the challenge, if fear gets hold of you you become its prisoner'. It was a great film to see with him and my daughter.

Something interesting on the side…yesterday I was journaling and something made me curious about when I began to journal. I have a stack of 4 journals that I've written in for years. The first day of journaling was 1/9/05…11 years prior. It was mostly biblical passages with my thoughts and interpretations…the movement away from organized catholicism to self-directed Quakerism is documented within those 4 journals. Fascinating. Maybe that's the book I should write…my journey into the unknown, wild love of the divine.

Hold us all in the Light…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

4 scary things

Clare,

I found this on the book of face today and really liked it. It reminds me of our recurrent themes. I guess we are on a path of enlightenment…

http://www.wakingtimes.com/2015/06/04/the-4-scariest-but-secretly-wonderful-steps-toward-enlightenment/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=PostShare&utm_campaign=SSM

vulnerability
self-truth
ego annihilation
forgiveness...
they are huge!

I don't feel older overnight. I tried to analyze- or appreciate- that when I was younger too. I get no special privileges with the 54the b-day so no great shifts.

I spent my morning at a meeting discussing opportunities in this county for our young people. It was good to see so many people with different initiatives with the common goal of helping youth. There was one idea that has stuck with me. We were talking about changing parents' perception of vocational training, specifically the parents that feel that college is the only path for their kids. One woman astutely pointed out that there is an entire population of parents that don't engage schools, and particularly job training, because 1) schools were such a negative experience for them and 2) they have had no luck in the work force and assume it is a dead end for their kids as well.
Have we become this hopeless?
Have we lost the sense of bettering our children's fate?
How very sad.
Perhaps it needs to be reframed…
perhaps the lesson is right under the surface of this…
perhaps we need to redefine success and the journey of life.

Lots to think about.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

get outside

Hey Maggie!

Do you feel any older?  I remember trying that on every year as I was growing up. And I never felt any different, any more mature.  That aging crap creeps up on us when we aren't paying attention!

The Eckhart Tolle quote you started with is the exact same quote the young man I mentioned used to begin his thoughts about walking in another's shoes.

Finished the Glennon book.  More at peace with being reckless and shameless. Very content with being love. I'm really feeling inspired to be love.

Started the Brene book.  I always love her work...

Not much going on, not many profound thoughts.

I've been dancing with the baby, just to move each day. Then today was nice enough to walk.  She is strong enough to walk a mile now. We move slow, because, you know - short legs.  But we see more.  Today we found tracks. We found deer tracks as we were walking in the forest.  So after we talked about the deer, I picker her up, turned her around, set her down and asked what tracks she saw...her own!!  We also saw turkey tracks and, we had to come home and look up the identification, but we found squirrel tracks.

We watched the sky turn vivid colors, the sun was wishing us good-night as we turned away.  My granddaughter and I discussed the difference between good morning and goodnight.

It was very connected..or maybe, I was very connected.  It's just own more piece of the ongoing - Get your butt outside every day, Clare! lesson.

Feeling very tired, so I'm going to honor that and turn in early tonight.

Love and hugs from Clare

truly blessed

“If her past were your past, her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion and peace.”― Eckhart Tolle

Clare,
This is something I think of whenever I am sitting in a counseling session…
or hearing stories of others…
trying to be nonjudgemental.

Thanks for the birthday wishes. I hope to give more of myself this year. I believe it will be in different ways than I've done before…variations on giving.

Today was a good day. I had my teeth cleaned and went to the Breast Center…
all news was good news…
thankfully.
Husband and I spent the day together…
talking about a lot of the upcoming changes and challenges. We are actually on the same page for the most part, which is good for us.
We've been trying to work on our differences by hearing the other out…
it's a nice practice…
that takes a lot of practice.

We had dinner with 3/4 of the kids…
it was fun…
there was a lot of laughter and stories jumping around the table.
I feel blessed today.

I will check in tomorrow.
Thanks of being my sister…
I am truly grateful for that.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

It's your birthday!!!!!

Happy Birthday Beautiful!

I hope you have a lovely day.  I hope you have a grace-filled year. I hope you continue to be courageous and to peer at yourself, unafraid.

I wish you health and openness and love...

Happy Birthday, Love...

I know a woman who has been an activist for years. She believes it is possible to have a gifting society.  If you have something and someone needs it, you give it to them.  No stopping to consider whether they are worthy. No stopping to analyze the way they use their resources and if you approve.  No judging their possessions, or the state of their possessions.

If they need, you give.  Then let go...no strings attached.

Difficult.  Powerful.

I noticed people are beginning to buy women's handbags at second-hand stores, and to stock them with quarters, soap, sanitary supplies, wool socks, lotions, snacks, a $5 bill.  They keep them on hand for when they see a women in need.  I saw similar bags for men.

Gifting.

I love it.

It shows our hearts are softening, we don't have to judge whether someone is worthy. We just give.

Judgementalism has to stop.  We are taking it upon ourselves to decide if someone else is worthy.  I have been listening to a young - maybe he's a rapper, he's definitely a poet, named Prince Ea.  (I feel old, because I am not sure...)  This morning he said that if you had the exact same experiences as a terrorist, you would be doing what they are doing.  What has happened to us determines where we are.  And although we have one Earth, we have many worlds - as many as there are - us.

I have been thinking that maybe the most powerful thing I can do is love.  Love unashamedly, and maybe even fearlessly.  I need to learn to be vulnerable.

Because, you are right, we can't stop what is happening. You may not like tropical, but who cares. If this is a tropical planet, then it is.  I was thinking about tropical.  No one needs a house - it's warm enough to live outside or in tents if necessary.  There is always food available.  Tropical might be a blessing...don't need to heat anything, except to cook.

And I think we may be nearing the day when, rather than believing those in charge who tell us we need more electricity, perhaps instead, we will stop, look at our lives and ask - how much do I need?  Do I need another appliance?  Do I need the ones I have? 

Simplicity has always been my favorite virtue.

Love and birthday hugs...much love and many hugs!!!

Clare

too little too late

Clare,
A very powerful post…
I'm not sure what to say except…
I want will it to be different.
I want will to be a "leaver" as they describe in Ismael…
I want will to use what I need and leave the rest…
I want will to sacrifice as much as I take…
and yet I have to consider what that looks like.
Do I have the courage to enact that?

I think that our world is collapsing…
humans will cease to exist as we know them.
Perhaps a few will survive…
I believe it will be indigenous people who understand the earth and can live from it in peace.
We are in a mass extinction…
and we deny it to the end.

Violence begets violence.
The violence stems from the idea of scarcity…
the violence stems from a sense of entitlement…
the violence can be stopped if we simply embrace "enough".

I am heartened by the president's work  on gun control…
finally a courageous voice in the wilderness.
It is too little, too late I believe…
but it may push consciousness towards sanity.

I am judging ideas through the lens of this book, Ishmael, I am reading…
books like this are powerful.
When it was first released did it get much attention?
Did people talk about it in important ways?
I am new to it, and I cannot remember it before this.