Tired and cranky

Clare,

I am tired…
I am tired of always waiting for my opportunity.
I had a conversation with another therapist who basically told me, considering all of the varied experiences and educational programs I've consumed, they are all for a reason. It will all come together. We talked extensively about how do you know when it's right and to just sit and wait it through. I am growing impatient. I feel used, even exploited, in both of my jobs…they could be so much more.
I understand waiting for the right opportunity…but then I think about our mother…and grandmothers.
They were very intelligent women who raised families in a broken way…and did not achieve greatness. Mom once told me that the IQs in her family were so high that they should have been able to solve world problems…but they didn't…they've been invisibly licking the wounds of their broken childhood. Is that my destiny?
I hope and pray for more.
I have shared pieces of my personal story during sessions (when its appropriate) and during presentations. I think I am feeding my courageous self- bit by bit- to be able to speak freely. But, will I ever get to it? My musical friend wants me to do concerts/inspirational talks. I don't think I'm ready for that…particularly the sense of rejection when only a few people show up for the event.

My sons are straying from the path somewhat…so I am afraid to take on a job that is far from home. I still have to be present. Husband won't give up his work time to accommodate my schedule. I've always enabled him to go to work despite who is sick or needing rides to an appointment, etc. He has taken time off this past year when it was me…but he's kind of lost interest in that too.

I'm really down today…
I want to cry and curl up in my bed…
I have to work on a presentation for Monday.
I still have nothing planned for opening exercises tomorrow…
O guess we'll sing.
Love and Light,
Maggie