blank slates

Hey, I do the solitaire thing too. I used to play with real cards. Now I resort to the computer.  But it's a great time waster!  I also find myself on social media wishing someone would say something interesting.  Mostly I'm there to play Scrabble, though.

And it's amazing when we find Grandma in us. I don't think either of us are as good as she was. She could completely consume herself in worry.  She rarely had to emerge and live real life. Of course, with her life, with her marriage, she was safer alone, inside her worries.

I think we need to take the best of Grandma and release the rest with love. I asked Mom about Grandma once when I was sensing her very deeply.  She told me that Grandma really noticed people.  She would get old coats and cut them down and remake them for people who needed one.  I remember cooking with her. I remember the way she cut onions. I remember how to make sloppy joes. Cook the hamburger, then add as much ketchup and mustard as you would for that many hamburgers.

She lives in us.

It reminds me of something I learned at an herb conference.  When a baby girl is conceived, all of the eggs  she will ever release are within her, therefore, we were inside of Grammy, we were physically part of her, within the fetus that was Mom. For me, that is so uniting, so connected.

I love your healer also. And based on what she says, I suggest you drink some nettle tea.

The idea of a belonging place.  The idea of unprocessed life. The idea of connection. It's all the same. But how do we create it?  We were raised in such a judgmental household.  And we do have to be judgmental to decide who and what we want in our lives. Or how close we will allow some people to come to us.  And that wars with the ideal of loving and accepting everyone.

A lot of my kids' friends stayed with us a lot because they felt accepted.  But now, everyone is grown, and I feel on the outside.  Everyone is too busy. 

I go back to wanting my distance from Mom and Dad and think I am setting the example. I go back to mistakes I made and feel I don;t deserve.  I think I am accepting of everyone but me.  Logically - yeah, I'm good.  But I don't know how we address the emotional points...and maybe forgive ourselves and give ourselves a blank slate where we can be good - or at least acceptable.

I guess that is where I am today.

My daughter called this evening asking for herbal advice. She thinks I should write the Hey Mom herbal.  I agree with her.  I know I have stories to share.  But I get started and I lose it. I think I don't believe in myself.

Back to trying to find a way to give myself a blank slate...

In a weird and snowy place tonight.  Hot shower, early bed, Ithink.

Love and hugs...

Clare

Is it still snowing?