And the worst thing was, in all my innocence and naivete, I believed it. I believed I was bad. I believed I was not worthy of god's love. Pile that message on the one we got at home - "You damned kids, it's all your fault"and it's amazing I am not more screwed up. Well, all of us- that we are not all more screwed up.
All my life, that has been the message - I'm not good enough. And no one has to tell me that any more. I have internalized and totally enslaved myself.
So, how do we clear the slate, or start over on a fresh piece of paper, one that does not have any black marks demonstrating to the world that I am not good enough...not even god can love me, not even my dad...
Pretty powerful, and that came out of nowhere!
The baby is having a hard time lately. I'm not sure if she is getting sick or if she is cutting her two-year molars. She is not sleeping well, and is pretty clingy. Her mama looks exhausted. Her mima does too.
To entertain her tonight I was playing music videos for her. I found an old one, of Kermit the Frog singing It's Not Easy Being Green. He compares green to other brighter colors and sings that these things are noticed while green is missed. But, then he lists some of the beautiful, strong, healthy things that are green.
I thought about getting into the heart chakra. And I thought about living a life of love. Maybe loving all and loving everyone and loving the beloved individuals in our life is not about being showy. Maybe it is about being the leaves instead of the blossoms.
I'm not quite sure where I am going with this thought, but right now, it interests me.
We can be calm and serene and almost background support, yet be a powerhouse of love, be functioning completely from the heart chakra...functioning completely in faith, trusting the world, trusting the process.
It is late, as usual, as I finish my day.
I hope you feel better soon. I hope you don't get hit hard with the bronchitis type flu that's going around this area. Take good care of yourself, love...
Clare
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