Heart at War

Clare,
I want to share the rat park article with my sons…
let them know that all is not lost…
just find the space where you belong…
but I want them to belong here…
and their drug use means this is not truly their belonging place…
so I will have to let them go to where they feel that sense of belonging…
maintaining a space for them here if they ever choose to return.

We are addicted.
I was reading an article in Psychology Today about relationships that become obsessive…
stalking, dangerous behaviors, control…
those are all red flags of distress…
the solution was to break all ties, come to terms with the addiction, and move on.

When I think of this the solution is simple…
break all ties with our addiction, come to terms with the addiction and move on…
despite the simplicity it is not easy…
it is damned near impossible for most of us.
This morning I was half asleep and I came to an understanding that I have allowed my heart to turn back into a Heart at War.
I expect my sons to fail.
I set them up with unrealistic goals just to watch them fail and then my fears/expectations are justified.
I have not been able to maintain the Heart at Peace necessary to accept them as they are, celebrate that, and live in love and mutual respect. I'm back to eating garbage, the point of being sick to my stomach each night. I've gained 10 pounds since Christmas. I feel like a failure. So, I've turned that Heart at War towards myself as well. One "slip" and I'm sliding down the slope of "I knew you'd never succeed", "you're meant to be fat", or "I told you so".
Why are we so incredibly cruel to ourselves…and to each other?
I've given myself a new beginning this morning.
I'm leaving behind those expectations…
the pressuring to achieve results I think are acceptable…
and simply loving my kids.
I'm leaving behind the pressure which drives me to consume garbage food.
I'm picking up some self-care and self-respect.
I will ask my boys for a "sitting" to discuss this with them.
Trust has been broken in our home.
But, together we can re-establish trust.

So, my plan is to drink water, walk, and eat a diet high in fiber, vegetarian proteins and fiber. Simple. My biggest challenge is avoiding chai tea lattes and mocha lattes…once I order one of those I'm sliding down that slope. I've actually shifted my "need" for chocolate to a need for those "comfort" beverages.
So it is possible to break and addiction…
but we/I replace it with another, seemingly harmless thing and get hooked on that.
We really are creatures of habit…
more reactive than thoughtful.
The problem is that if we're not hurting anyone overtly no one notices our addictions or asks if they can help.

Women are hurt, everyday.
Men are hurt also.
This battle needs to be against violence, not gender based.
Once we take the us/them out of the equation we can really work towards solutions.

Love and Light my beautiful sister.
Maggie