birthing?

Maggie -

If you need to cry, go cry and weep and wail.  Get it out.  Then, once you can breathe properly again, maybe you'll be able to think more clearly.   I know that usually works for me. I find a good cry can be very helpful...

Maybe you should make a list of all the training and experiences you've had. Maybe it would help you see where you might want to go.  And then I had a strange thought...maybe you need to create where you will go. Maybe it doesn't exist yet.  You might be the one who is suppose to have the vision...What are your experiences? What are your leadings? How do they fit? Where do they fit?

And with your family - the image I got was of birthing.  Remember when the baby was easing down the birth canal?  They would push forward, then slip back a bit...but the overall motion was always forward.  And they did birth. You are birthing a new family.  Labor is going to be intense, and some of labor involves incredible endurance.

The IQs in our family were also impressive. We should have been able to change the world.  But maybe we are   Maybe by talking about it all, by being vulnerable, by facing the abuse, we are changing the world. We are adding our voices to those of people trying to stop abuse. 

I was up a lot last night thinking about predators. I was thinking about different kinds of predators.  Dogs run in packs and have a strong social connection.  Cats - less so. But I remember reading a book by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas that described feline society. And there is one.  Both species take what they need and no more.

I was thinking about humans.  I was thinking that all life feeds on death.  I was thinking about pulling vegetables and eating them. I had a beautiful image of life shifting from one form to another.  The life force left the beet and joined me.  I got a bigger sensation of life simply changing forms.  I thought of you as a horse.  I thought of your horse as a small kitten. 

But in thinking about predators I remembered a big, old cat we had for 19 years.  One night she took down a weasel.  I was thinking about the weasels and the way they kill for fun.  When we had chickens, we learned a lot about predation. Foxes would come and take one chicken.  They were simply finding food.  But weasels would kills all the chickens just for fun, for blood lust.  That is the kind of predation a rapist demonstrates.

I remember reading about a man who was attacked by a large cat.  At the moment of almost death, he felt ecstasy.  That is truly participating in the shifting of life force, I think.  I was thinking about the feelings of being raped;  especially since there are a few a**holes who say - if it's inevitable, relax and enjoy it. The feeling, when faced with the inevitability of violence and loss of control of your own being is a retreat into not breathing - holding your breath in the numbing cold and waiting for it all to be over.  That is not natural.

Then the next problem is not knowing how to get out of the numbing cold, and fearing I'll be there for the rest of my life...

Lost in thoughts and feelings,

But I can find that place where I love you and I know you are out there, sending me love.

And so I am as real as the Velveteen Rabbit!!

Clare