polluted

Hi Mags,

A friend of a friend died today. Actually we had two friends in common, and so I met her a few times, talked to her at parties - very occasionally.  She had cancer. I think she was in her late 40s.

Because we really didn't have a connection, I feel a detached sadness.  But more, I am feeling overwhelmed by all the cancers around me.  It just feels completely out of control.

Today I was thinking about pollution. I was thinking about what has been done to our air and our water.  I was thinking about our poisoned food supply and now GMO - foods that aren't even foods - yet we are expected to eat it, and be healthy.  Or at least survive...

I was wondering who thrives despite the poison, who succumbs to chronic disease. And I was wondering if we all have chronic disease, if any of us are truly healthy.

After all that wondering, I wondered some more...

I  found myself considering the violations, and wondering about psychic pollution, emotional pollution. I was wondering if the combined erosive power of constant attack by environmental toxins paired with the constant attack on our spiritual selves increased the possibility of developing chronic illnesses.

This morning I read a series of ten quotes from an Oglala Lakota Sioux chief named Luther Standing Bear.

He said that his people never considered the Earth as wild.  Instead they saw that they were surrounded by bounty. They saw everything as alive and felt connection and knew reverence and gratitude for the bounty.They wanted to be in touch with the Earth - they wanted to physically be in touch with the Earth.

(http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/)

It takes me back to our ten commandments.I spent more time considering the last five commandments - don't kill, don't sleep with another man's wife, don't steal, don't lie, don't covet. As I consider this list, I am struck again abut the way it protects the wealth of the white men in charge. Even considering the order. Primary is don't take their life. They, of course, can take ours as they need fodder for their endless wars.  These wars are god's wars, fought for rich white men, fed by poor men's sons.  Don't touch their wives.  I don't think this is about respecting women, it's about owning women.  Then the last protect possessions.

I suspect everything.  Am I nuts?  But the ten commandment guys own the Earth and all of it's resources. And they don't feel the need to share. I saw a quote from Nestle's CEO today. He says water is not a human right. His eyes lack humaity. And he has to make this assertion, otherwise he might not be allowed to own and sell the water.

We are so lost, as a species...

And on that lovely note, I will wish you a sweet night, and I'll talk to you next month!

Love and hugs from Clare

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as ‘wild’. Only to the white man was nature a ‘wilderness’ and only to him was it ‘infested’ with ‘wild’ animals and ‘savage’ people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/10-quotes-from-a-sioux-indian-chief-that-will-make-you-question-everything-about-our-society/#sthash.CVfNA6c5.dpuf

commandments

Hi Maggie,

I have a feeling you were truly connected to the young man. His life, so far, has taught him that he is not worthy of connection.  So he did something "bad" to maintain the status quo.  I have seen so many good people do something "bad" just to prove their parents right.  I wonder if it's another face of addiction, just as some people are addicted to being abused, and continually go back to their abuser.  I wonder if this young man you are working with will have to do seven stupid things to see if there really is a connection...

The baby was glassy eyes yesterday, and so I held her while she took a very long nap. Then last night, by the time she was asleep, so was I. Today went almost the same. She is simply having a very difficult time falling asleep.  She may be fighting the latest bug, or getting teeth, or getting ready to make some big developmental step or maybe she is about to grow.  Something is off.  Her mama is exhausted.  Because of chaos at work and very low temperatures, the baby will stay here tonight. I'm gonna be tired!

Try sensing the chakras.  Feet, knees, public bone, between the ovaries, just above the naval but below the solar plexus, over the heart, over the thyroid, in the middle of the foreheard, top of the head, then a few above. Once you can feel them, apply colors.  Let me know how it goes. Once you can sense them, clear them and see how you feel.

I have been stuck on your comment about the ten commandments.  Sister made us memorize them and recite them, along with the Baltimore Catechism and the Apostles' Creed.  We were indoctrinated. If it's truth, one does not have to force young children to learn this and regurgitate upon command.  It's been so many years, I had to review the commandments. I see that one through four are forcing us to participate in a religion.  We are not allowed to honor any other gods or god-like images, we are not allowed to swear and we must go to church on the Sabbath.  Pretty interesting beginning!  Next, we are obliged to honor our father and mother. It does not matter if they are honorable people. And they don't have to honor us. But we must obey authority.  Sort of prepares us for obeying the Great  White Fathers in Washington. More indoctrination.  So half are about obedience and conformity - but not about being a decent person.

Lastly we have - No killing, No adultery, No stealing, No Lying, No coveting.  Yeah, I think we missed something here. There is nothing about stewardship and living lightly on the planet. There is nothing about slavery, protecting others from it.  Nothing protects women or children. It almost seems as if these rules protect ownership and white patriarchy. 

I think we need other rules.  We need something more Earthly and humane.

And, it's late. I missed you yesterday. I hope you are feeling better.

Hugs from Clare

A little broken hearted

Clare,

How do you know that you're in a chakra? How do you sense where your center is? I'm asking because I don't know. I don't sense colors. I don't have a great sense of energy flow in my body except when my reiki healer is working on me. I understand the principles, but I just don't feel it. Or maybe I don't trust it. I've only seen two or three auras in my life. I'm not acutely psychic. But I have good intuition…why am I rambling here?

My heart was broken a little today. A young client told me that he made a bomb threat two weeks ago. I saw him today and he told me the whole story, matter-of-factly. He is the epitome of believing that he deserves garbage in his life. He was really doing well. School was going well. He was about to leave a group home and move in with extended family. He was writing short stories. He was happy. And then, one day he was tired and decided to write a note that claimed a bomb was in the school. He claims he just wanted to leave school that day. I am heartbroken because he doesn't trust anyone to reach out before he makes such a sabotaging move. I thought we were connected. I was wrong. He trusts no one. He doesn't believe he deserves happiness or success. He's been abandoned numerous times during his life. He has taken all of those negative messages to heart. It makes me so very sad, to see that much raw potential in front of me and not have him believe it….or to flush it all away with a note that threatens violence.

I've got several young men, clients, who are in crisis right now. It is difficult to deal with as I struggle with my own sons' choices. And yet, I know that I am meant to help them, somehow, someway.

I'm sorry for the baby's distress. I hope that she gets a break…for all of your sakes. I'm having a lot of wheezing with this cold. My lungs have gotten more and more reactive as I age. I'm wondering if I should see a pulmonologist, but I hate meds…and I'd complain about anything they'd prescribe. I'm really stubborn.

Love and Light.
Maggie

be the leaf

And the worst thing was, in all my innocence and naivete, I believed it. I believed I was bad. I believed I was not worthy of god's love.  Pile that message on the one we got at home - "You damned kids, it's all your fault"and it's amazing I am not more screwed up.  Well, all of us- that we are not all more screwed up.

All my life, that has been the message - I'm not good enough.  And no one has to tell me that any more. I have internalized and totally enslaved myself.

So, how do we clear the slate, or start over on a fresh piece of paper, one that does not have any black marks demonstrating to the world that I am not good enough...not even god can love me, not even my dad...

Pretty powerful, and that came out of nowhere!

The baby is having a hard time lately. I'm not sure if she is getting sick or if she is cutting her two-year molars.  She is not sleeping well, and is pretty clingy. Her mama looks exhausted. Her mima does too.

To entertain her tonight I was playing music videos for her. I found an old one, of Kermit the Frog singing It's Not Easy Being Green.  He compares green to other brighter colors and sings that these things are noticed while green is missed.  But, then he lists some of the beautiful, strong, healthy things that are green.

I thought about getting into the heart chakra. And I thought about living a life of love. Maybe loving all and loving everyone and loving the beloved individuals in our life is not about being showy. Maybe it is about being the leaves instead of the blossoms.

I'm not quite sure where I am going with this thought, but right now, it interests me.

We can be calm and serene and almost background support, yet be a powerhouse of love, be functioning completely from the heart chakra...functioning completely in faith, trusting the world, trusting the process.

It is late, as usual, as I finish my day.

I hope you feel better soon. I hope you don't get hit hard with the bronchitis type flu that's going around this area.  Take good care of yourself, love...

Clare

Love, not fear

Clare,

I think that those nuns were shoveling their shit onto unsuspecting kids in Catholic school.
It's cruel the ways that they indoctrinated young people into the Fear of the Lord…
better live through a priest…
memorize your 10 commandments…
kind of life.

I remember reading something that renamed the 10 Commandments, the 10 Commitments…
the premise was, that if you are living a positive lifestyle, these are ways to guide your choices…
they were the natural consequences of living from a loving, open heart.
They were not a means of damning people to hell or time in purgatory.
I stopped examining my conscience every night and let it go.

I am committed to a positive lifestyle.
Growth, love, helping…
responding to the Spirit.

I choose to live by those commitments because they feel right…
not because of fear.

I read once that all things can be forced, except love.
The Nazis could force prisoners to do almost anything, except to love them.
God is Love…never fear.

I am not feeling well. I have an upper respiratory infection and feel pretty crappy. I think I'm going to lay on the couch and preview a movie I'm showing next week to spark a discussion on domestic violence. Not exactly light hearted entertainment, but at least I will be resting. I love you.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

blank sheet of paper

When I was in second grade- I was in Catholic school - Sister made us take a white piece of paper. She instructed us to make a mark on the paper with our pencils. She explained that this represented our soul at birth.  When we were born, we were already sinful little creatures, already unclean in the sight of god.  Then she asked us each to think about all the bad things we had done, we had been doing.  And we were told to make a mark for every little thing we remembered.

I think she was preparing us for the sacrament of Penance.  She was letting us know how dirty we were, how unacceptable.  None of us were worthy of heaven. every single one of us were gong to Purgatory. So pray little tots, pray.  I remember I used to really worry about Grampa Smoke being trapped in Purgatory.  I spent a lot of time praying for him.

These are the kinds of images I carry in my heart.  When I talked about having a blank slate, I meant, let's erase all of these supposed sins. Let's forgive ourselves and start over. Damn - let's just go get new pieces of paper and not let Sister convince us to mark it up.  Unless we want to design tattoos. Or Valentines.

I love all of the genetic switching through the family and through the generations.  It makes us part of the line, part of a people.  Luck of the draw (maybe) we got to be part of a bunch of screwed up people - but they are our people!

I think I;m doing fair-to-middling on living an unprocessed life. I am staying focused on foods, and allowing that to influence the rest of my life.

I had a committee meeting here tonight, and so it is later than usual.  Time for my nightly complaint about exhaustion.

Until tomorrow, love my little sister!

Clare

tabula rasa

Clare,

I don't think there is a blank slate…
the tabula rasa…
we are born with the genetic make-up that influences our temperaments and actions…
we are born into a time, place, society and family that influence us from the very first seconds…
maybe even while we are in utero...
and then there's the collective consciousness...
so is it reasonable to want to go back to nothingness?

Have you heard of Chimerics?
People who carry two or more distinctly different DNA cell types?
The myth is a creature of various body types. The reality is that twins exchange cells in utero.
Also, women can exchange cells across the placenta with their children.
Just imagine what that means for us…
we carry the DNA combinations of our ancestors and the DNA of our children...
which means part of our husband and their ancestral line.
That is too much to think about.

So, maybe a better alternative is to return to the collective consciousness…
tap into that font of wisdom…
make that our belonging place.

We received a disappointing 4 inches of snow…
the storm moved East of us.
Oh well, somehow I got 2 snow days out of 4 inches…
the office closed today anticipating a large overnight snow accumulation.

I have to get the young ones up and moving towards school.
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie

blank slates

Hey, I do the solitaire thing too. I used to play with real cards. Now I resort to the computer.  But it's a great time waster!  I also find myself on social media wishing someone would say something interesting.  Mostly I'm there to play Scrabble, though.

And it's amazing when we find Grandma in us. I don't think either of us are as good as she was. She could completely consume herself in worry.  She rarely had to emerge and live real life. Of course, with her life, with her marriage, she was safer alone, inside her worries.

I think we need to take the best of Grandma and release the rest with love. I asked Mom about Grandma once when I was sensing her very deeply.  She told me that Grandma really noticed people.  She would get old coats and cut them down and remake them for people who needed one.  I remember cooking with her. I remember the way she cut onions. I remember how to make sloppy joes. Cook the hamburger, then add as much ketchup and mustard as you would for that many hamburgers.

She lives in us.

It reminds me of something I learned at an herb conference.  When a baby girl is conceived, all of the eggs  she will ever release are within her, therefore, we were inside of Grammy, we were physically part of her, within the fetus that was Mom. For me, that is so uniting, so connected.

I love your healer also. And based on what she says, I suggest you drink some nettle tea.

The idea of a belonging place.  The idea of unprocessed life. The idea of connection. It's all the same. But how do we create it?  We were raised in such a judgmental household.  And we do have to be judgmental to decide who and what we want in our lives. Or how close we will allow some people to come to us.  And that wars with the ideal of loving and accepting everyone.

A lot of my kids' friends stayed with us a lot because they felt accepted.  But now, everyone is grown, and I feel on the outside.  Everyone is too busy. 

I go back to wanting my distance from Mom and Dad and think I am setting the example. I go back to mistakes I made and feel I don;t deserve.  I think I am accepting of everyone but me.  Logically - yeah, I'm good.  But I don't know how we address the emotional points...and maybe forgive ourselves and give ourselves a blank slate where we can be good - or at least acceptable.

I guess that is where I am today.

My daughter called this evening asking for herbal advice. She thinks I should write the Hey Mom herbal.  I agree with her.  I know I have stories to share.  But I get started and I lose it. I think I don't believe in myself.

Back to trying to find a way to give myself a blank slate...

In a weird and snowy place tonight.  Hot shower, early bed, Ithink.

Love and hugs...

Clare

Is it still snowing?

A belonging place

Clare,

I see myself in your description of FOMO…
and I see the lie in that.
When I am overwhelmed…
at war with myself or others…
I find escape on my computer.
When husband and I were trying to separate I played solitaire constantly…
or watched the weather channel.
I'm such a nerd.
But the result of those choices was isolation.
Looking back at the last month I've spent more time on social media than ever before.
I find myself disappointed that more people aren't posting interesting things.
I search Pinterest for life altering quotes.
I am looking for direction outside myself instead of within.
Maybe that message from yesterday was also meant for me, "A quiet mind hears the inner voice"

http://www.dharmadoodles.com/gallery/

I found myself quite scattered this morning, and realize I've been unable to settle for this past month as well. I've been consumed by worry. I am like Grandma.
I hope that by noticing the patterns I can re-establish quiet and peace within.

I saw my healer yesterday. It had been over a month. She told me that I am carrying a lot of frustration in my kidneys, that I need to drink more water, and that my hips and knees are getting overwhelmed from carrying it all. She also saw my youngest. He loves seeing her. He told me that this healer and the psychologist he is seeing are really helping him. I was so glad to hear that. The psychologist is a little unconventional- you would like her. I think it makes her more approachable for my son. It was good to hear that from him. He and I had a good, long talk on the drive home.

I shared the addiction article with husband, my older son, and two of my favorite people at Anasazi. If anyone creates a "rat park" it is Anasazi. The problem, that I've seen, is that they eventually return to their original homes; the places that did not serve them and enabled the addictive behaviors to occur. It is our job, as parents, to work to change that environment into a more nurturing environment, a place of belonging and connection. That is my new goal. To create the belonging place. When my youngest came home from Arizona I asked my daughter to create a poster that said, "Welcome to your belonging place". It is up in his bedroom. I may bring it down for all to see. Maybe that's a reminder I need everyday.

Thanks for giving me a belonging place, here with you daily.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

FOMO

I have been thinking a lot about living an unprocessed life.  Your description was a perfect map for getting out of the yellow chakra and into the green!

I have been thinking about cell phones.  I still don't have one.  My oldest gave me just a simple one, just because of worry.  I think I texted once.  Mostly I plugged it in and set it on the windowsill to charge and forgot about it.  I have been told that it is safer to have one.  But what came to me, is that we all think everyone has a phone with them at all times, and so we are off the hook.  We don't have to stop and check on people, especially strangers. We don't have to worry about anyone who looks like they might be in any kind of distress - because we all have a phone.  We can all call for help.

People used to stop and help each other.

And then there is the fun of walking down the street and watching everyone look at their phone. No one knows where they are or how they got there, or who's around them. We are all enthralled by the virtual reality on our phones. It's so much safer than living a real life on a real planet with real connections and real fears and real loves.

A new psychological condition has been identified, FOMO - fear of missing out - that described this inability to disconnect from the phone.

But I also read that we are in the newly designated Age of Loneliness.  We have all this connection, yet we are not connected. There is always a device or some technology dividing us.

Your inner struggles, then your honesty with your son - that's real.

I have been playing with the idea of disappearing into the forest. I have tried it on, at night before sleeping. I slipped in and was enveloped in dark.  But it was alive. No wonder we are so afraid of the forest. But this was not terror.  It was awe. There were places that were red/maroon, where Light was coming through the thinning tissue.

I was in a womb.

I thought I suddenly understood why the forest service is so desperate to clear cut the forests. There is power there. There is potential. There is a place where we can reconnect.  The Japanese have a special word for forest-bathing - for reconnecting by spending time in the forest.

When I go there, I am not alone, but I don't know who else is there.

This is gonna be fun!

We are going to get 3 - 5 inches of snow. The big storm is going to miss us completely.  Snow days are a little less fun when one works at home.  But I do love to watch the snow fall.

I hope you have a wonderful snow day.

Love and hugs and kisses from Clare

connection direction

Clare,

Processed is one, or more degrees removed from natural and authentic…
disconnected…
it all comes back to connection…
with the earth and its bounty…
to other humans….
to other species who live interdependently with us…
we live symbiotically to remain healthy…
allowing others to create and nourish us and then paying that forward in some manner.
But- humans have lost that mutualism…
replaced it with individualism…
and conquest…
and exploitation/manipulation.

A few weeks ago I ordered a print for a friend of mine from Meeting. When I saw it I thought of her. She's been exceptionally kind to me and supportive through difficult times. So this morning I put this print into a gift bag and drove to Meeting. The ride there was a ping-pong game in my head.
"She'll think it's creepy that you're giving her a gift"
"I know that she'll appreciate this"
"She's going to feel obligated to return the favor"
"It's a generous action"
Anyway, the voices in my head maintained this battle the 30 minute+ drive to Meeting. I left the gift in the car and decided to consider it later. The print says, "A quiet mind hears to the inner voice".
This woman, my friend, shared a message about her favorite part of Quakerism was believing that there is an inner voice and having that as her guide. She loves hearing that guidance she declared quite emotionally. I knew that the gift was right. It was amazing to see her face when she opened it.
I love synchronicity!

I sat with my older son today and asked him for a new beginning. I explained that I was, once again, pushing him away by my expectations. I was trying to be so supportive of his school success that he ended up avoiding home, studying, and failed. I apologized and told him that I will support him as he needs it- without my ego getting in the way. I've asked him to let me know when he feels this pattern returning. It was a good talk. I shared some of the "rat pack"article ideas with him. I told him that it will be important to find a place to live and work that makes him feel accepted and allows him to blossom. It was good. Thanks for the connection direction this week. It's helped me to see what's going on.

We are supposed to get up to a foot of snow in the next 36 hours. Looks like a day or two at home. I love snow days…

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

unprocessed

It seems to be a week for understanding. You see your Heart at War...just one more addiction.  We stay there because we were  raised there.  We were siblings at war with each other and with the world.  We were raised on military bases, for god's sake! How could we not internalize it. And we had a father who warred with himself, and who served in two wars.

It is in us.

Cultivating the Heart of Love and Peace is a radical movement.  And that takes time. I actually saw a brief film of Gandhi this morning. It reminds me that we need civil disobedience to that authority within that lures us to war.  When I am at war within myself, my life is full.  I don't have to worry about anything.  I don't have to address anything. I am completely engrossed in my own inner drama.  So, now, how do we cultivate inner civil disobedience and passive resistance???

Keep talking to your sons. Let them see that we struggle and evolve and learn for our whole lives. Let them see that we are all in pain, all trying to find our way to love and acceptance, both inside and out.

I was also up a lot last night, thinking about my addiction.  I had two dreams that stay with me. One involved me turning on the hot water in a house, and it would run muddy for a few minutes before clearing.

I looked it up in a dream dictionary - to dream of muddy water means wallowing in negative emotion.  But the fact that I let it run until clear gives me hope.  I am working with my negative emotions, and releasing them  - I hope. No, I trust!

The other was about a man who I don't know, but who I look up to and dream about frequently.  We were talking, then he stepped into the forest, in Oregon, and disappeared into the trees. It was mysterious and beautiful.  Then I did the exact same thing in New York.

But, what I thought about and what was reinforced this morning when I saw the following:  I think most of what we call aging in our culture is the progression of processed food use. (Joan Iflund)

I think my triggers are processed foods and grains with high glycemic indices.  And so I understand that I have to avoid processed foods. No more crackers or chips - my favorite corn chips.  Now I am considering what else in my life is processed, therefore virtual and unreal.  I want to be real...back to being the Velveteen Rabbit...back to love, I suppose!!

Love and hugs...I'll be back tomorrow because it will be a baby-free day here!

Clare

Heart at War

Clare,
I want to share the rat park article with my sons…
let them know that all is not lost…
just find the space where you belong…
but I want them to belong here…
and their drug use means this is not truly their belonging place…
so I will have to let them go to where they feel that sense of belonging…
maintaining a space for them here if they ever choose to return.

We are addicted.
I was reading an article in Psychology Today about relationships that become obsessive…
stalking, dangerous behaviors, control…
those are all red flags of distress…
the solution was to break all ties, come to terms with the addiction, and move on.

When I think of this the solution is simple…
break all ties with our addiction, come to terms with the addiction and move on…
despite the simplicity it is not easy…
it is damned near impossible for most of us.
This morning I was half asleep and I came to an understanding that I have allowed my heart to turn back into a Heart at War.
I expect my sons to fail.
I set them up with unrealistic goals just to watch them fail and then my fears/expectations are justified.
I have not been able to maintain the Heart at Peace necessary to accept them as they are, celebrate that, and live in love and mutual respect. I'm back to eating garbage, the point of being sick to my stomach each night. I've gained 10 pounds since Christmas. I feel like a failure. So, I've turned that Heart at War towards myself as well. One "slip" and I'm sliding down the slope of "I knew you'd never succeed", "you're meant to be fat", or "I told you so".
Why are we so incredibly cruel to ourselves…and to each other?
I've given myself a new beginning this morning.
I'm leaving behind those expectations…
the pressuring to achieve results I think are acceptable…
and simply loving my kids.
I'm leaving behind the pressure which drives me to consume garbage food.
I'm picking up some self-care and self-respect.
I will ask my boys for a "sitting" to discuss this with them.
Trust has been broken in our home.
But, together we can re-establish trust.

So, my plan is to drink water, walk, and eat a diet high in fiber, vegetarian proteins and fiber. Simple. My biggest challenge is avoiding chai tea lattes and mocha lattes…once I order one of those I'm sliding down that slope. I've actually shifted my "need" for chocolate to a need for those "comfort" beverages.
So it is possible to break and addiction…
but we/I replace it with another, seemingly harmless thing and get hooked on that.
We really are creatures of habit…
more reactive than thoughtful.
The problem is that if we're not hurting anyone overtly no one notices our addictions or asks if they can help.

Women are hurt, everyday.
Men are hurt also.
This battle needs to be against violence, not gender based.
Once we take the us/them out of the equation we can really work towards solutions.

Love and Light my beautiful sister.
Maggie

escalation

And...I had another strange thought. I'll leave it here so I don't forget.

I am still struggling with addiction. I have watched my oldest quit smoking, for months. Then, one little slip and it escalates.  Truly, once we have conquered a longing, and addiction for several months, and we feel good, it just doesn't seem like we'll ever go back.

But then it's like the body betrays us. It ups the ante maybe, and then the slip begins - just a little taste...the body loses balance and, bam - you're down for the count.

I was wondering if going back to a bad relationship is like fighting addiction. I wonder if there is some sort of addictive connection between the two people involved in an abusive relationship.

So that's it...

Clare

coalescing

Hi Maggie,

I have been thinking about my rat-park entry.  I don't think I am very materialistic, so why rant about money??  Then I was thinking about the rescue videos I watch.  And thinking about the Cosby stories, the rape stories that are so pervasive.

It all sort of coalesced in my mind.  We live in a throw-away society.  Everything is disposable and can be tossed and replaced.  We get trendy dogs and dispose of them when we want something cuter.  We rape any woman that can be trapped, then dispose of the used goods. In some cultures the disposal includes death.

Not being paid a living wage, not being able to take time off -- I am of no value to my government or to my company.  I think that is what digs at me so often.  I am expendable. I have no worth.

No one should be treated like this, yet most of us are.

And we accept it, because as children we are taught that we are not worth anything more.  "You damned kids, it's all your fault..."

Partly I am angry at myself for internalizing and believing. Partly I am angry that those in charge get to treat the rest of us like garbage, and - so what...

And in this culture, in this economic climate, we can't complain. Because we can be replaced easily.  And so we bow our heads, accept the yoke, and remain enslaved to the system.

Today was a hard day. I thought yesterday was Friday and so today was pretty traumatic.  I am tired. I took the baby for a walk, and so she missed her nap, until about 5:00. Too late - I let her sleep for 45 minutes.  Then she was miserable.  I was not my most patient...I didn't approach Grampy state, but I was not as warm and loving as I could have been.

Tomorrow will be better...especially since tomorrow, the alarm will not go off!

So, it's time for sleep.

I love you. I miss you.

Clare

Rat parks

Rat parks for people - maybe cohousing, living in community. Or having a sister live next door.  Personally, a rat park would mean I would be able to sleep as much as I need. To make as much money as I need to live comfortably - not lavishly, but to never have to decide between electricity and groceries. I would have time for my passions - I could garden, walk in the woods, write, sit in a warm tub and soak. I would have time to bake and cook and knit.

In this time, I think it is time - lack of time is our main stressor.  I am up at 5 am.  I work from 5:30 - 1:30.  I write reports.  The baby is here at 2:30 and I have her until 11:30.  I love having the baby.  But I am tired.

It is getting better, though, as she becomes a companion and assistant.  She loves to help.  She loves to do whatever I am doing.  It is fun.

And I can't travel, because in the US, 37.5 hours a week is part-time which means no benefits. No insurance, no pension and no paid time off. I can't get sick or travel without planning for a short check.

Nonstop stress.

And in my rat park, I would have more connections. I would start attending meeting regularly and get involved with - whatever...go get arrested for the environment...

Parenting thoughts - Logical consequences - let them take responsibility for what they have done. It is a really hard thing to do as a parent, though.  Our instinct is to protect, no matter what the cost.

I was watching a comedian attack Cosby.  He was wondering why 35 women are not enough.  Why don't we believe them?  After listing some reasons, he ends with - Is it because they are women?

It is Thursday night. I really thought it was Friday. I am so ready for Friday.

I'll be back tomorrow.  Hope you have a lovely evening.

Hugs and kisses and lots of love, little sister.

Clare

I don't know

Clare,

So it's all about connection.
That's what we've been saying for several years here.
When we are happy we don't overeat, overindulge, numb ourselves…
when we isolate we do all of the above.
So, how do we create "rat parks" for people?
Schools don't work.
Nursing homes don't work.
Churches don't work.
Perhaps intentional communities where people have common interests and enough diversity to encourage learning and growth.
I don't know.

I shared our favorite TED talk with our nieces yesterday in hopes that they would catch a glimpse of their incredible, inherent value and allow that paradigm shift allowing them to acknowledge their worthiness. I hope they watch it over and over, as we have. Gaining more insight each time they view it.

I have been offered additional hours at my non-profit job. I am going to accept it for a 6 month period and see what else opens for me. They want me 4 days a week, so I'll do counseling one day per week. My friend and I are still proposing an anger management group one evening a week. If that is accepted I will be busy. I think this combination will give me a balance for the next half year…to better make choices. One of my first responsibilities for the non-profit is to put together the conference workshops for next October. It will be interesting trying to find a combination of practical and out-of-the-box topics to keep everyone happy.

I understand the support that is necessary with the natural consequences. I've told both my boys that I will support them always (not financially) but I will not protect them anymore. It's too easy for them to dump problems at my feet and have me devise a way out of the troubles. I'm good at solutions…but that doesn't help them.

Back to making dinner…butternut squash soup and salad.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

do the dance

Yeah, I don't know. I feel like I understand addiction. I stopped eating sugar, felt great and thought I would never go back. Once I felt clean,I thought I would stay clean.  But now I am fighting cravings.  But I also noticed I am having some repeating, obsessive, escapist thought cycles.  It's one way of retreating from life...I escape into daydreams and what ifs and woulda-shouldas.  I never connected the thought patterns to bad food choices before.

Then, to add to my thoughts, I read the article below. Apparently,I am back in my addictive patten because I am feeling disconnected. I think that's probably true, because many of my obsessive thought patterns involve connections. But I also think I have regrown some yeast, and am out of balance again - just beginning to tip. I need to regain my balance.  I guess I need the dance - one physical step mirrored by one emotional step.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html


Logical consequences are a valuable way to parent.  But I think it needs to be paired with a sense of security.  He can fail, but you're still family.  He still belongs. 

I was not spending a lot of time with S#3 during her divorce, so I don't know details like you do. So I will trust you when you say the kids were trapped in the middle.  I think my marriage was shredding at the same time, and so I was caught in my own pain and drama.

There is a stray cat hanging around, so nephew and I have been feeding him. We made a makeshift mini-shelter for him. Yeah, I rescue strays.  That is how we got our cockatiel.  Someone who knew I am good with animals called and asked if I could please take him. He had been in several homes and people just put him in the back room because he made noise.  I kept him in my office and let him out of the cage when I wasn't working. Of course, he did not like me. He liked my youngestbest until the day he died.

I would have a huge rescue, also. I would be surrounded by creatures that need to be healed and to be loved.

I had a committee meeting here tonight.  I am left thinking about the people we are drawn to work with. They are often our greatest teachers.

I love you, Sleep well...

Clare

trust and love

Clare,
It must be in the air.
I am consuming sugar and fat…
with a little salt on the side for good measure.
I think it's related to the Tamoxifen…
but that may be an excuse.
I had lost about 3 lbs during my cleanse and I've gained that plus 5.
I'm back where the oncologist told me I needed to lose weight to reduce my risks.
I think it's the time of the year…
I generally get heavier at this time...
I generally lose it in the spring…
it all evens out in the long-term.

I am concerned about my sons, especially the older. He seems to have devalued himself again. He's convinced that he is not good enough-smart enough- to finish school. He is making that a reality. He found pout yesterday that he let his statistics grade slip from an 84 to a 28 by not doing the work. He's failed english. He needs to take 3 semesters of english this half of the year as well as compact a year of statistics/trigonometry into half a year. I've offered my assistance. I've offered tutoring. I've offered to leave him alone if that's what he wants. I've reached out to guidance. I don't know what else to do.
Trust and love…
allow him to live with the consequences of his choices…
let him learn from life.

Our niece needs to work out her traumas- if not with her Dad, then with a therapist. She is going to repeat the patterns until she learns the lessons. Maybe we could tattoo "I am enough" on her, somewhere, to remind her that she is complete and perfect just the way she is. I understand that her father is not capable of reaching out to her. But, those bridges were burnt from both directions- S#3 was not silent about him and his faults as much as he complained about her. Those kids were pawns in an ugly divorce. I love S#3, but she made some choices along the way that are not healthy for her or her children and now grandchildren. This is not meant to be judgmental… just offering my perspectives.

I also watch those animal rescue videos…
and fantasize about fostering more animals…
husband would go crazy if I brought more home.
If I weren't married I'd definitely be a crazy cat/dog/horse lady.

Love and Light beautiful Clare,
Maggie

struggling

Hi Maggie,

I just finished a Friends'  report. I think I am thinking Quaker.  I am also tired, so this will probably be a short check in.

Our niece's dad disowned her, he was verbally very cruel, after she had her last baby. He also joined the abusive boyfriend in verbally trashing S#3 and our niece.  I don't think he is a good person to reach out to in this case.  And I think he has caused most of this damage. He inspires some very unFriendly thoughts and impulses...

There are many things our niece could have done. She chose this. She still needs the lesson, I guess.

Maybe - don't ask your son anything except what he wants. What are his suggestions?

You know I stopped eating sugar last spring. And I have been doing great.  I didn't have any Christmas cookies this year.  But lately, as I am trying to stop eating wheat, I am eating more wheat, and triggering some of the binging associated with sugar eating. I thought I conquered all this, and here I am back to the struggle, back to not understanding, not being able to control...

Your sons found strength in Arizona, but now they are back to struggling.  It's what is happening to me, and the internal struggle is so painful.

They need support...They need different...

Is the Woolman Semester a possibility? Is he willing to agree and honor his agreement not to smoke pot?  It might be a good place...

Watched dog rescue videos tonight, crying because we don't value life and love. We throw each other away. We throw the pure love of an animal away. It breaks my heart over and over and over...

I love you, and I'll never throw you away!!!

Kisses from Clare

classic

Clare,

I can see how complex the issue is with our niece, her brother and S#3…
it is a different reality now…
she has chosen to be victimized this time…
so will she have the ability to complain?

I don't understand her reasoning.
I don't understand her desire to hold onto a man who is violent.
Perhaps it is a power play…
perhaps she wants to control and then dump him…
but, those kids are getting dragged through the mud…
that's sad…
and a lasting effect.
Our niece is classically acting out the little girl rejected by her father.
I am wondering if reaching out to her father and asking hime to speak with her would make a difference. Perhaps that connection would make her more integrated. But, can you trust that he would be consistent enough to allow her to see the good within herself? I'm sorry that she didn't reach out to the DV shelter near her- they offer free counseling, even if you're not in shelter.
The counseling is empowerment counseling…
she could use that...
we can all use that.

I'm sorry to hear about our nephew's reaction. I'm sure that you will be able to walk through this with him, and help him to understand- at least a little.

My youngest started at the local parochial high school today.
He was dragging his feet this morning…
got into the car 10 minutes later than I had asked...
I lost my temper…
It was not fun.
I have to learn to stop and think…
relax and let him take the consequences of his own actions.
If he's tardy- it's his detention, not mine.
My older son is avoiding home, studying and not doing well on his mid-terms. I'm at the point of suggesting taking the GED and moving on from all of this repetitive hassle. I don't know what else to do.

I hope that you have a great day.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

just a few details

Hi Maggie,

The reason S#3 is so heartsick is because our niece actively pursued her ex when she found out he was in another relationship.  He had been telling their daughters to hide the fact that they were staying with him at another woman's house.  I thought he was childish, but maybe he was protecting his new relationship.  When S#3 found out he was in another relationship, she was relieved that he was moving on.  Now S#3 has to admit that her daughter is not the victim this time. 

But S#3 is under incredible pressure and worry. When the kids are in the house, she is their primary caregiver in addition to working more than full time. When they are out of the house, she knows the likelihood of something violent occurring is high. She never has downtime.   She has commented to me that she hears Grampy coming out of her mouth sometimes. I know she took one weekend and came up here...she called and asked if I was busy and asked if she could come. She got in her car and left. Her daughter asked if she was planning to come back home. So I think we all know she is exhausted.

I quoted the seven times fact to S#3. This makes me feel so relieved that my youngest got out quickly and did not go back.

This development with our niece has really thrown our nephew. He fell into a depression last week.  He seems to be coming up for air, but he is tense, expecting the worst, and afraid of being away...

I think I have had two pets put down by a vet.  It was incredibly hard both times.  It is painful, yet    different when they have detached and left on their own.  No matter what, though, when they leave it hurts.  We feel so sad.

I laughed when you said you spent all day in sweats with no make up. This is my every day.  I don't even have make up any more. S#3 and I were talking about a potential weekend adventure next month. I asked if I was going to have to figure out makeup, and both she and my youngest daughter volunteered to paint me.

When we were talking about this potential adventure, my youngest said she could get us an amazing discount at a really nice hotel. Then she said it would be great, because she could pick up the baby so easily. My eyes got big. S#3's eyes got big. And S#3 gently pointed out - big girls only!

My life!!

I do take the baby whenever my youngest works so I have her 5 days a week.  I have been thinking about child rearing techniques, thinking about all the times I wished I could have a do-over. Maybe this is my do-over.  She has begun throwing amazing tantrums, and lashing out when she doesn't get her way. I understand it is the frustration of not being able to communicate her wishes.  She grabbed the dog the other night and made the dog yelp. I said "NO!" and picked her up. She hit my face. I froze.  I can not hit her back - we can't teach her that only big people get to hit. I thought of the biblical "turn the other cheek" but knew that was inappropriate. I thought of time out, but recently read an article about the negative aspects of isolating a child in distress.  I was really at a loss.

I held myself in the Light...and the next time she started with the tantrum and trying to hit, I wrapped her in my arms and held her close. I kissed the top of her head and talked about how hard it is to feel frustrated and to not be able to express oneself.  She tensed, then relaxed and it passed. 

It worked once, so we'll see what develops.  But I may be on to something new.

I love you, I hope all is well,

Clare

Focusing our energy on others is powerful

Clare,

I've been told that it takes 7 attempts, on average, for a women to truly leave their abuser. I have not heard the stories of this man's actions towards our niece, her children, or their dog…
I'm sure that I don't want to know…
I probably have not heard them because S#3 isolates during difficult times…
I am also wondering…
don't take this the wrong way…
if our niece sensed that she and the kids were overwhelming to S#3 and felt she had to leave.
The last time I saw S#3 was at the post-Christmas gathering.
She made a statement,"I'm beginning to feel like Grampy."
You could read the fatigue and frustration on her face.
I wonder if her daughter also felt that channeled "Grampy" and felt she needed to distance herself.
I am not intending any negativity towards S#3…
I love and respect S#3 deeply…
but, when I got those vibes from our father, I would leave as soon as possible…
it's easier to leave than to be abandoned or unwanted.

I talked with S#3 last evening…
she is grieving for her grandson's experiences…
he carries a lot.
My youngest asked him to play video games after dinner and he was so happy.
It doesn't take much to make him happy…
or anyone for that matter…
just notice I am here and value my opinion.

I was sick yesterday.
I dressed in sweats all day…
no makeup…
I did have the energy to brush my teeth at least.
I laid upon the couch most of the day with an incredible headache and body aches.
I got up in the mid-afternoon to make dinner…
because S#3 was coming and I felt I owed her a home-cooked meal.
I realized, after she had gone, that I felt better.
I think focusing my energy on others is powerful.

I was awakened at 5:30 this morning by my dog having a seizure…
again…
she has 2 - 3 each month…
I sat with her until it was over, cleaned her up, and tried to get her to lay on the floor beside my bed again. I just got comfortable and heard her slide down the stairs. She was laying with all 4 legs out to the sides at the bottom of the steps by the time I got to her. She was trying to get up. I was so afraid that she was injured, but she was trying to get up so I helped her. Luckily, she is moving without any evidence if injury. I'm not sure I can keep going with all of these geriatric animals. I know that I will, but it is emotionally exhausting.

I questioned the vet on Saturday, before we euthanized my horse, how long would he last being unable to eat or drink? He has a tumor blocking his laryngeal area and could not swallow anything, he was really working to get air in and out. He said 3 days…we were on the third day. I asked my healer friend to communicate with him, send him love and messages from each of us. She told me that he knows his time is near, and that he was ready. She also said that "he was happy to have been my horse and friend". That gave me courage to walk up into the field with him and allow the injection. On Friday night and Saturday morning husband fed him peppermints. He heartily chewed them- and then the juice just ran from his mouth and nostrils…but he was so happy to have that taste. He slobbered peppermint juice on me as we brushed him one last time. I will remember him when I smell peppermint.
I wondered if I should have just let him pass naturally…
I wonder that about all of the animals I have euthanized…
I'm not sure what the answer is…
I'm not sure that I have the courage to experience that.
It would be a beautifully, painful process.

That's all for now.
I love you beautiful sister,
Maggie

random thoughts today

Hi Maggie,

I'm glad you are crying. I think you are releasing more layers than you can realize.  I know I do.  Crying was always so foreign, until RC. Then I cried a lot.  Now I cry easily.

That is one of the most graceful gifts our furry companions give us, though. The gift of allowing us to feel and experience our pure emotions, to be absolutely vulnerable.  I know I described my husky's death. But it stays with me. It was one of the deepest, most valuable moments of my life. He taught me a great lesson about letting go.  And about being open to letting go, to learn to release.

Keep crying, even if it feels unlike you. Be something new...

I have to say that after a year away from her abuser, I never dreamed that our niece would return to him.  I am so surprised and shocked.  What I have noticed is that when women know they should leave, but aren't ready, they don't share all of the details.  We protect our man, thereby protecting ourselves from criticism for staying.  Once a woman starts to reveal what has truly happened, she is burning bridges. Our niece burned her bridges.  She told people outside the relationship what he did to her, to their kids, to the dog.

 The mixed messages for her kids came from their mom.  Even more confusing, I think. 

Onto another thought...

I've heard before only the empathetic can create, psychopaths can only mimic or destroy...always wondered about this..

I lifted the above from someone's status. This has stayed with me all night...Do you have any thoughts?

I spent cleaning time listening to TED talks yesterday.  I listened to a man talk about finding our passion.  Not our interest or interests...but our passion.  He said if we put relationships and family support first, we are actually hiding from our passions.  As an example he made a marriage proposal...Would you marry me, I find you very interesting...

What do I love???  What am I passionate about?  I remember talking to a friend about this once.  She conjectured that we don't know what to be because what we are is not yet.

Got that?

Another way of hiding?

What am I hiding from?  I thought about the sisters past lives reading we got from your friend last year.   From what she brought forward, it seems I am analytical and in my head.  Is it my pattern not to be passionate, to be present, to be fully human?

Just wondering.

I also watched a lecture about body language. Our posture influences our hormones.  Someone who is crushed into the smallest possible posture has low testosterone and high cortisol.  It hit me that the classic bully bullies in order to bring these hormones into balance...

I was thinking about that in relationship to your upcoming support group.

S#3 just left before I started writing. I love having her here. She told me she loves coming here because I take care of her.  It is her only escape from caregiving.  I love it when she is here because she plays with me.  I don't have enough fun.

She told me you were considering coming with her.  I will tell you what I always tell her.  My back door is never locked.  She will be talking to you about a possible Valentine's Day adventure...wanna play???

That is where I am today. And I wanted to let you in on a now open secret...S#3 and I are going to enter a 5K race in June. Want to join us?

Love and hugs,

Clare

checking in

Clare,

I have cried a lot…
more than I allowed myself to cry at my own cancer diagnosis…
I am able to be open and vulnerable with my  animals.
My horse died with the kind, gentleness that he lived. He was a wonderful, calm animal. He spent time with us and then walked bravely into the field. He released to the other side with dignity surrounded by several humans who loved him. It was hard, but beautiful.

I am crying about our niece also.
I admit that about 2 weeks ago I said to my daughter that her cousin will end up reconciling with this man unless she finds someone new.
She believes that a man is a necessity and that she does not deserve a good one.
I wish she could celebrate her independence…
teach her daughters that being single is valid…
and I worry about how many negative comments have been made about the man and the confusion that must be felt by those children. Talk about mixed messages.

I've got a wicked headache.
Crying hurts…
especially when it is so foreign to me and I fight it with my body.

I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

despair

 Oh Maggie,

I am so sorry you have to let go of Rusty. It is so sad to let go of the furry members of our family.  Sometimes I almost think we allow ourselves to feel more, to be more vulnerable with our animal companions.  I'm sending Light.

I am still thinking about the young boy in Syria.  I went to AFSC and subscribed to Wage Peace.  Let's see where this takes me.  If it's not enough, I'll see what QUNO needs.  Perhaps this young boy is leading me into something new.  I do hold him in the Light, I hold his whole camp in the Light, every night. Last night I tried to hold the whole Earth in the Light.

About living close, I long had a fantasy that the sisters all lived within walking distance.  That way we could support each other. If one of us was having a bad day, the kids could retreat to another one.  I missed that family support, that feeling of not being alone...My youngest son's girlfriend has a family like that, and they are powerful.

S#3 is coming here to get away. She is heartsick. Her daughter has reconciled with the man who abused her, abused their children, abused the dogs that I have here now.  I didn't sleep the night I heard.  I was worried, especially about the middle granddaughter.   But what can we do?  One more frustrating thing in life...

I work with a lot of Europeans, and one thing I noticed is a difference in the way we approach life. One day I decided it was because we descended from the family members who left home and started a new life someplace new.  They descended from the family members who stayed close to home.  So I see what you are saying.  It is a part of us. But the extent of disconnection - this is more.  And it is not healthy.  Preferring to be  alone rather than with family is sad.  And it's a symptom of how much our society has disintegrated. 

So I saw a study done with men at a university.  They were asked questions about rape.  About a  tenth of them would rape if there were no consequences.  About a third would not rape, but they would force a woman to lie still during intercourse.  They don't understand...or...they don't want to understand.

The men who would force a woman to lie still were categorized benign sexists.  They did not think a woman should change her own oil.  They were those guys who want to take care of us, shelter us, keep us clean. They want us to be feminine and demure and say no when we mean yes, so they can overpower us with their...lust or love.

But that's not rape because the girl was not walking alone at night and there was no weapon and...

I read a powerful book years ago, On Killing by Dave Grossman. Analysis showed that only a low percentage of men kill during war. The others will not kill their own species. I have a feeling that the number of men who say they would rape if their would be no repercussions might be about the same number of men who kill during war...

We are so screwed up we don't even know how to screw any more. We have forgotten that it is a participatory sport, including two very involved people who are open and vulnerable.

I feel so bad for what has become of our humanity. Sometimes I despair...will we ever recover our lost souls?

I love you, sending hugs and a shoulder to cry on if you need me!

Clare

tough choices

Clare,

I was interrupted this am as I sat to write to you. The vet had just finished evaluating my horse, Rusty. He's been having trouble keeping food in his mouth and drooling for a few days. I thought it was a tooth issue, but he'd just had his teeth floated about a month ago. The vet said his teeth are workout but not infected. He's not moving much air in and out of his lungs and he's using his abdominal muscles to breath. His diagnosis is a tumor blocking his laryngeal area affecting both his breathing and swallowing. I've decided to euthanize him. Now I have to wait and see if a hole can be dug int his frozen earth to bury him or if he'll be cremated. Once we know the timing of that we will do the injection.
I bought this horse for husband's 41st birthday. He has been a gentle and constant friend. He is hopelessly in love with my daughter's mare who treats him like shit…but he always calls for her when she's out of the barn and waits for her to leave the field before he'll return to his stall. She kicks at him and turns her butt towards him. He was a champion rodeo (cow roping) horse who came to us when his owner was hurt and unable to afford him. He is a great horse. I hate saying goodbye. But, I remind myself that my goal was to give him the opportunity to live life as a horse for the remainder of his days…and I've done that. I really hate saying goodbye.

I hear that S#3 is visiting you this weekend. I hope that you have a wonderful time. I am so looking forward to sister time in March.

Reading your post about living so far from each other makes me sad. I am not saying that I'd want to live in the same neighborhood as my siblings, because we were raised in such a way that living close would not be healthy. But, sometimes I wish it were different.
One thought I have about Americans living independent of family…
Americans (except natives and slaves) were of a pioneer mindset. They were willing to leave the familiar behind in order to find a brighter future. Our Great grandparents (x3 or 4) were heading to the Upper plains at an elderly age. I think there is some trait within Americans that motivates them to move from the safe and known and pioneer to the unknown. I don't know if it's curiosity or restlessness or adventure that motivated them but many still carry that characteristic.
We aren't quite nomads…but we are pioneers.

I have to run…waiting for the phone calls to come in to help make plans.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

So far away...

Hi Mags,

I understand your comments about the cousins. They are typical of our extended family. Of the five original sibs, only three are still alive. And they live far away from each other, and really far away from their dad.  It is what we have done. You and S#3 and B#4 all live close, but don't seem to interact much.  Our baby sister is close to the parents now, so there is that new closeness.  And I interact with you regularly, and see S#3 fairly often.

But mostly we all keep a distance between us.

I have had European people note that it is common for Americans to live far away from family.  I always commented that it is because of attending non-local universities then going where there are job options.  Each generation moves. But now I am wondering if we try to get the hell out of Dodge!  We need to be as far away from family as possible to be safe.

I am so pleased that four of my kids feel at home here.  They interact a lot. I tend to be on the outside.  A lot of that is because of my schedule.   But it is also family pattern.  I am glad their generation is trying to heal the patterns.

Part of the reason my oldest son and his wife live so far way is that she doesn't want to be close to family.  And now they have kids who are native west-coasters.  I wonder if we'll ever all be reunited. When they moved, I remembered when Grammy went to live with Aunt T.  I think we had visits from her maybe five times...we went years without seeing her.  I knew that would happen to me and my oldest son. When they left - it was painful.  I still miss him, miss them all...

I like that you are trying on different roles, professionally.  I think it is a wise choice.  And I understand why you want to use relaxation techniques in your awareness group.   Also wise...

Have you seen your healer lately? I haven't heard any stories.

I love you. Thank you for meeting me here every day!

Clare

choices...

Clare,

You have a heart that is expansive and can hold others' pain…
you are empathetic…
that is the polar opposite of sociopath…
cherish that aspect of yourself.

You can hold victims and perpetrators in the Light…
because along the way all of us are victims.
You may or may not be able to directly help those children in that particular refugee village…
but you can help those you see in your own sphere…
you can help the people and animals that come into your life…
be ready with a yes whenever the question of love and dignity of any life form is posed.

I yearn for opportunity to do things that are greater than myself.
I am waiting for those opportunities.
I was trying to explain that to a man yesterday who was talking about salaries instead of purpose.
Even in social work the value is placed on the salary rather than the sense of satisfaction and soulfulness of the actual work. I have been told by several men recently that I should reactivate my medical license- it's the path that makes the most sense, they say. The first time I heard this I said I would consider it. I did consider it. I'm not interested in medicine at this point. I had the opportunity to reactivate my license, but I chose to study social work. I didn't want 15 minutes with each patient and the sense that I was only valuable because I had the power to prescribe controlled substances. I wanted an hour to listen and converse. I love spending time with people. But, there has to be a way to do that and make a living wage.

I will look at the alternatives to violence curriculum/materials for the anger management group. I am also interested in incorporating yoga or guided meditation in the sessions. The research says healing helps when we reconnect our minds and bodies.

Yesterday I was offered more hours at the non-profit, 30 hours a week. It would allow me to continue to do therapy one day per week, so I could maintain contact with some of my clients. I am going to accept this for 6 months and see how it feels. So I'll be testing the waters with individual therapy, working with ex-convicts, and doing policy/community organizing simultaneously. I think that's a fair way to compare.

I also "friended" our cousins…both the twins. I didn't friend their sister. I'm not sure why. I am uneasy about them seeing glimpses of my life. It's a strange reaction to a (virtual) reconnection. I am perfectly content with no cousin contact, on Dad's side, except for the very occasional family function when one or two of the female cousins show up. I can always block their posts if they become intrusive.

I hope that you have a wonderful day. I am holding you in the Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Garbage

Hi Maggie,

A Friend/friend I really respect said the same thing - Hold him in the Light.  I was looking at some photos of his refugee camp, and holding everyone in the Light.  And I need to hold the militants in the Light also, so that their innate humanity emerges and the do the right thing.

Be a witness is good. I was thinking about contacting QUNO and seeing if they have any ideas or information. Sometimes AFSC can get aid through lines,too.

I am sort of lost in this all.  My youngest says I torture myself by going on dog rescue sites.  I just watched a video about a small dog...whose family moved and just left him on the street. A year later, he's still there, living under a trailer.  The people who captured him had to lasso him and he squirmed and screamed and tried to bite.  He was terrified of being touched.  They started petting him and he calmed down.  Then they sheared a year of mats off of him.  He was clean and safe, but you could tell he was broken. His head was down, he didn't respond.  I recently saw a photo of an 8 year old dog who was taken to a shelter by his family on Christmas.  His eyes were dead.  He is on the west coast. If he were closer, I would probably go get him...

It ties to the boy in the video, the boy pleading for food and safety.

We treat each other like garbage.  We throw our dogs away, we throw our children away...

We do not value life.

In our country women have to go back to work six weeks postpartum. Our bodies are not healed. Our breastfeeding relationships are not firmly established.  But women must go back if they want to keep their jobs. Because there is little support from our society for a woman to stay with her babe. We don't respect mothers, we don't value family.

We are all garbage.

I want to print a gazillion T-shirts that say EXPENDABLE and give them to everyone...everyone who is homeless, everyone who is hungry, everyone who is unemployed, everyone who is uninsured, everyone who has served in the military...everyone who works 38 or 39 hours a week - part time - and so not worth giving any benefits.

I was friended by a cousin today, one of Uncle B's twins.  Then his brother and their sister also friended me.  I was back in our childhood, in the violence of that family. I was so angry for a few minutes.

It all ties together...

 Look into AVP exercises for your support group.  I recommend them. And if your son needs an English tutor, I'm willing to help him...

It's time for sleep...I love you...

Clare

Be the Light

Clare,

What do we do?
How do we make a difference?
It is mind-boggling that people can be so cruel to each other.
We have lost the sense of connection…
even though it remains intact.

First and always hold him (them) in the Light.
Only the Divine has the reach to affect so many.

Second, be a witness. Share the story so that many voices will rise. Write to the rich and powerful and make them aware- be the Light.

There are just too many violations to attend to…
I gave my presentation on reproductive health rights for women on Monday. It was uncomfortable. The participants/attendees did not share or discuss their thoughts. At first it felt like I failed to raise their awareness. Looking back I think it's just to overwhelming to see how women are systematically violated and discriminated against. I'm not sure I'll give that presentation again.

This is a tough week for me. It is the last week of the first semester for the boys' school. The deadlines are heavy and quickly approaching. I find myself vacillating between stepping back and letting them direct their own progress and preparation and wanting to jump in and make sure it all gets done at everyone's expense. I have to allow them to make choices and them live with the consequences. It is the best way for them to learn. But, if the oldest fails English he may not graduate in June…or he'll be taking 3 english courses simultaneously next semester. That would be hell on earth for him.
I've got to trust the process…but remain available.

I am meeting with the board president for my part-time position this morning. He wants to hear my ideas about our piece of proposed legislation. I've been sharing my concerns about this bill for 3 years and finally some one wants to hear me out. I'm kind of nervous, but I've done my homework and think I have dent insight and an approach that has a good probability of passing the legislature. I'm really nervous because I've applied for the executive director's position and feel as if this is part of the interview process- unofficially. I hope it goes well. The funny thing is that I'm not even sure I would accept the position because of the distance from home and travel involved. But, on the other hand I have some good ideas that I'd love a platform from which to launch them.

I'm in the process of developing a group therapy program for ex-convicts with a friend/Friend. We are creating the outline for week-to-week activities, topics, focus areas. I have to spend this afternoon reviewing his ideas and adding to them. I really feel that we should incorporate some mind-body work, like yoga or guided meditation or drumming to help reconnect them and restore integrity (or at least begin the process).

That's all for now.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

What can we do?

Hi Maggie,

So I watched a short video today.  An adolescent boy in a Syrian refugee camp was crying and saying they have no food, they are trapped, he hasn't seen his father for a year, and they, the people in the camp, are not even part of the problem. They didn't do anything.  He ended up in tears. I ended up in tears.

What do we do?

Talk about rape.  He has been completely disempowered by war.  Those in power have taken control of his life and are damaging him - routinely and repeatedly.  And what can we do? I looked up the camp and found it is in Damascus. It is an unofficial camp, and things were going well there until the Arab Spring uprising, Then the area was destroyed. There is still fighting around them, no one can get supplies in. The UN has been trying, but they are blocked. There are people starving...

What can we do?

I thought about the things I have done.  I have done anti-militarism activism. I am trying to stop war.  I have done some tax awareness activism - to try to stop our national funding of violence.

But I want to feed this boy and his camp.

What can we do?

I   thought about people like Warren Buffet and the Walton family...people who have more wealth than they can use in a lifetime.  I wanted to get in their faces and point out that no one can be that wealthy without exploiting others. And anyone of them could feed this camp without threatening their stockpiles of wealth. What is wrong with them?  But I know that having that much wealth indicates pathological greed.  They are too sick to see others, to have compassion for this young man who is starving, who is watching those around him starve.

And I  thought more about me. How am I complicit?  Am I living a life that feeds a war-system that allows children to feel such devastation and hopelessness?  I worry about money all the time.  I lose sleep and feel an immense amount of stress.  But, tonight the baby wanted an orange, and I gave her one.  We had a simple dinner of barley with mushrooms and chicken, and parsnip puree.  But, I am very full.

What can I do to change my life to make more for this young man. Or what can I do to help those who are fighting and blocking deliveries for this refugee camp to have compassion and let the supplies come in?

I hope I can think of something. The emotions flying out of the screen from this young man in so much pain got into my heart. I care...

Ideas?

I hope all is well with you,

Love,

Clare

Changing

I hope the quote is:  If it's a legitimate rape, the whole thing shuts down. You are off on hair loss for some reason...I think!

I have seen that rapist's rationalization, trying to convince himself he did not just violate someone. Trying to excuse his rapist self -- yet knowing that is what he is.

I am glad I am inspiring you.  I feel like I have been blathering in circles, trying to figure things out. 

I had never heard flight, fight or freeze.  I  have only seen the flight or fight options.  But I know frozen! I do believe I am still frozen.  I am still afraid to move, still afraid to attract attention.

Reading your lyrics, I wonder how many of us have been knocked off track by violence.  How many of us have lost our way, forgotten our sacred contracts because we are frozen. We are prey who have learned to camouflage ourselves, to avoid drawing the attention of the ever present, ever frightening predator.

It all comes from not being safe as children.

I have said before, that I rarely feel safe.  Sometimes I do, which is a lot compared to my past, but mostly I survive because low grade fear keeps me - hypervigilant.  Or at least vigilant.

When I want to cry - The Color Purple always gets me. When I need to cry, anything can get me going!

We are back into a too warm, way too cold pattern. Someone described it as - the dragon is whipping its tail.  I like that poetry.  I now imagine it.  I saw a view of the polar winds at different heights.  There used to be a completed circle around the North Pole. It turned into a barbell shape, then in to three circles. And now there are four.  They are pushing further and further south as they break up.

I have two images - one is that Mother Earth is having chills and fever as she tries to kill off this virus-species that has over-burdened her body, her resources. The second vision is that that the polar patterns are simply disintegrating and disappearing. The changes are upon us. They are happening all around us...do we even know?

We are so tired, do we even see the change, feel the change?

Mostly I don't...

And I will end with my usual comments about exhaustion...

And with love and hugs...

Clare

letting nature take its course

Clare,
You've inspired me…
again.
I'm giving a presentation tonight on women's reproductive health rights…
and the ethics of all that…
and you have inspired me to include the society of rape in the presentation.
I've given this before and did not include that…
but looking at our political and social landscape, I think it has to be front and center.
I found this cartoon that says, "If it is legitimate hair loss the body has ways to try and shut the whole thing down." I believe that talking about it will help.

That story you related…about the man's ecstasy prior to being attacked is dissociation.
It's a gift…Fight, Flight, or Freeze
to be able to relinquish your body prior to the pain of death.
It's unfortunately too often used by rape and violence victims as a form of protection…
"you can't rape my mind"...
but the memories are still held within that mind...
and all too often it gets out of the person's control and they dissociate whenever they feel stressed or threatened.

I cannot find the energy or space to cry.
That sounds pathetic…
but it's true.
I want to run away at times…
this is like giving birth…
but I can't let go and let it out because the semester has one week left and I've got to focus on keeping the boys focused.
What I really need to do is surrender it and let the boys earn whatever they invest into the mid-terms.
Is that giving up?

Yesterday had some amazing moments.
I was still burdened by opening exercises on Saturday…
so I grabbed 3 books from my shelf as I left to take my son to the mountain to snowboard. I opened each book and one grabbed me. It is called Natural Grace, it's a dialogue between a theologian and a scientist…I opened to a passage about prayer…
via poisitiva- "Praise precedes faith"- experiencing awe in nature and creation
via negativa- silence, emptying self to make room for the divine
via creative- allowing your soul to tap into the creativity that flows deep with each person
via transformativa- transforming your perceptions to understand the connections- interdependence- of all of creation
the reading set off a cascade of sharing…
it was a gathered space…
I fought the leading to share one of my songs, Empty, until almost the end…
then I stood and sang the first verse and refrain…

My life is so full of so many things, where do I turn to find peace?
How do I find the time and the space to connect with my God in this place?
My spirit's tied down with ropes and with threads, keeping me from my Lord.
I pray for the strength to break free of this hold and rise gently back to home.
How do I empty myself of this world so that You can fill me up?
How do I let go of all that I am to move closer to Your plan?
Grant me the grace to break free of this world, I really long to say,
"I am the handmaid of the Lord, let it be done unto me." JBE

I haven't ever sang any of my songs spontaneously before. I haven't ever had the leading, or the courage, to share like that. It was deeply moving for me to show that vulnerable place with my community. It was a good step forward. I guess you could say that I let Nature take its course through me.

I've got to get to my cleaning up and chores.
Love and Light until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie

birthing?

Maggie -

If you need to cry, go cry and weep and wail.  Get it out.  Then, once you can breathe properly again, maybe you'll be able to think more clearly.   I know that usually works for me. I find a good cry can be very helpful...

Maybe you should make a list of all the training and experiences you've had. Maybe it would help you see where you might want to go.  And then I had a strange thought...maybe you need to create where you will go. Maybe it doesn't exist yet.  You might be the one who is suppose to have the vision...What are your experiences? What are your leadings? How do they fit? Where do they fit?

And with your family - the image I got was of birthing.  Remember when the baby was easing down the birth canal?  They would push forward, then slip back a bit...but the overall motion was always forward.  And they did birth. You are birthing a new family.  Labor is going to be intense, and some of labor involves incredible endurance.

The IQs in our family were also impressive. We should have been able to change the world.  But maybe we are   Maybe by talking about it all, by being vulnerable, by facing the abuse, we are changing the world. We are adding our voices to those of people trying to stop abuse. 

I was up a lot last night thinking about predators. I was thinking about different kinds of predators.  Dogs run in packs and have a strong social connection.  Cats - less so. But I remember reading a book by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas that described feline society. And there is one.  Both species take what they need and no more.

I was thinking about humans.  I was thinking that all life feeds on death.  I was thinking about pulling vegetables and eating them. I had a beautiful image of life shifting from one form to another.  The life force left the beet and joined me.  I got a bigger sensation of life simply changing forms.  I thought of you as a horse.  I thought of your horse as a small kitten. 

But in thinking about predators I remembered a big, old cat we had for 19 years.  One night she took down a weasel.  I was thinking about the weasels and the way they kill for fun.  When we had chickens, we learned a lot about predation. Foxes would come and take one chicken.  They were simply finding food.  But weasels would kills all the chickens just for fun, for blood lust.  That is the kind of predation a rapist demonstrates.

I remember reading about a man who was attacked by a large cat.  At the moment of almost death, he felt ecstasy.  That is truly participating in the shifting of life force, I think.  I was thinking about the feelings of being raped;  especially since there are a few a**holes who say - if it's inevitable, relax and enjoy it. The feeling, when faced with the inevitability of violence and loss of control of your own being is a retreat into not breathing - holding your breath in the numbing cold and waiting for it all to be over.  That is not natural.

Then the next problem is not knowing how to get out of the numbing cold, and fearing I'll be there for the rest of my life...

Lost in thoughts and feelings,

But I can find that place where I love you and I know you are out there, sending me love.

And so I am as real as the Velveteen Rabbit!!

Clare

Tired and cranky

Clare,

I am tired…
I am tired of always waiting for my opportunity.
I had a conversation with another therapist who basically told me, considering all of the varied experiences and educational programs I've consumed, they are all for a reason. It will all come together. We talked extensively about how do you know when it's right and to just sit and wait it through. I am growing impatient. I feel used, even exploited, in both of my jobs…they could be so much more.
I understand waiting for the right opportunity…but then I think about our mother…and grandmothers.
They were very intelligent women who raised families in a broken way…and did not achieve greatness. Mom once told me that the IQs in her family were so high that they should have been able to solve world problems…but they didn't…they've been invisibly licking the wounds of their broken childhood. Is that my destiny?
I hope and pray for more.
I have shared pieces of my personal story during sessions (when its appropriate) and during presentations. I think I am feeding my courageous self- bit by bit- to be able to speak freely. But, will I ever get to it? My musical friend wants me to do concerts/inspirational talks. I don't think I'm ready for that…particularly the sense of rejection when only a few people show up for the event.

My sons are straying from the path somewhat…so I am afraid to take on a job that is far from home. I still have to be present. Husband won't give up his work time to accommodate my schedule. I've always enabled him to go to work despite who is sick or needing rides to an appointment, etc. He has taken time off this past year when it was me…but he's kind of lost interest in that too.

I'm really down today…
I want to cry and curl up in my bed…
I have to work on a presentation for Monday.
I still have nothing planned for opening exercises tomorrow…
O guess we'll sing.
Love and Light,
Maggie