happy?beautiful?

The women whose life you described reminds me that ours could have been worse, and that there are some remarkably resilient people out there - people who can't possibly have anything left to draw on, yet they find something...

I am also concerned for my son and his wife. I love them both so much, and I want them to make it through, and I hope their family stays in tact.  They are not fighting about anything or for anything. They are fighting as a release of the pain the builds up, the embers left, torturing them from the inside, from their traumatic childhoods.   It's all about pain release.  And they look to each other for help, willing the other to do the magic thing or say the magic, healing words. But both are damaged, and neither has the tools to understand, much less heal the other.

I harp about counseling, but neither wants to hear me.  They both have explanations and excuses.  Just like I did.  Just like my ex did.

But I know why we/they/I fear counseling.  It's because if you do it right, you will have to face the pain, to walk through it once again.  It's that, or it's amnesia, I guess.  Or stay stuck in the painful holding pattern, constantly circling the tower, but never landing.  Life is so exhausting when we live with constant pain...

I started a tough conversation with two people from high school.  An old friend posted her senior picture.  She was so beautiful. I commented on how beautiful I thought she was, along with another classmate who was in the thread.  None of us felt beautiful or alive or happy, none of us had much self-esteem.  One of them told me I was beautiful. I scoffed, within. Outwardly, I didn't comment back...But the last comment was that it is interesting that we have found each other, returning to what we ran from all those years ago.

Maybe it will be old friends who cast a new light on what I am learning, the parts of myself that I am Lighting...

I remembered another conversation, from when I went to college.  Someone said I was the happiest person they knew.  I was shocked. I still feel shocked.   I may be the most serene person many people know, but I am not very happy.  I'm still amazed that I gave off that vibe!

I hope you and the dog and even the husband have a restful night.  Sending love and hugs and Light.

Clare