We're all hypocrites

Oh Honey, I understand. I fantasize about winning the lottery and helping everyone.  But I hate to ask for or accept help. I would just as soon sit here in my isolation, being just a bit resentful, than ask for anything. Do we do this because we have been raised with the idea of independence? Or is it because we don't feel we are worth it? I know I often feel like a bother. Yet I really appreciate it when anyone notices me.  I am so confused/confusing. I don't know how people bear me!

I  didn't really know about S#4's birthday party until S#3 called to tell me about it, to say that she was coming to pick me up, she already had a hotel room booked - and she made it easy for me. I still had to think about it.  But I didn't have to ask for help.  (In fact, I would not have asked. I would have declined the invitation...as I always do.)  I really appreciated it.  It does bring out a bit of resentment, though...not toward her, but toward this system we are enslaved by.  With the hours I work, and the type of job I have, I should be earning enough for little trips like this.

I know I told you that when I got to Oregon, I had two different sneakers.  Someone asked me why I just didn't buy another pair.  I was dumbfounded by that questions. That's just not the world I live in... So I am grateful when way opens.

It was nice to have S#3 here. She looked so much better when she left.  We didn't do anything special. We cooked. We drank one hard cider each as we searched for old pictures of S#4. We went to a pumpkin patch and loaded the back of her car so she would have something special for the kids when she got home.

With your son's acquaintance - give your son time. Many times my first reaction is not the best reaction.  I have learned to keep my thoughts to myself. Upon reflection, I find balance, understanding, humane response.  Share your thoughts and see what happens.

How is your youngest doing?  He's been on my heart a lot lately...

Not much else is new around here. 

I'll check back tomorrow. I'm glad you are listening to your body. That is part of the mindfulness we should be cultivating.

Love you, miss you, see you soon...

Clare