weekend headache

Clare,

I love the video, and I love the freedom of no secrets.

I spoke with my 90 year old friend?Friend this morning. I was telling her about my trip last weekend. I told her that I just want 2014 to end…it's been too hard. She asked me, "what specifically has been hard?" …
I had to think…
it seemed obvious…
but she really knows me…
and here she is asking that question…
so I said,"having to ask people to help me."
It was the most honest thing I could say.
I love the idea of interdependence…
as long as I can remain independent, self-sufficient, and of service to everyone else.

I'm such a hypocrite…
I need the vulnerability coaches to give me some extra instructions.

I am trying…
I am recognizing my needs…
and I would love to have the courage to share my secrets!
(even if sharing secrets has gotten me ostracized and scorned by family)

I have had a headache all weekend…
it was especially bad yesterday with the all-day rain.
I took a walk in the late afternoon, once the rain stopped, it felt good to move, but I still hurt.
Today I have less pain.
That is good.
I was raking leaves and felt a pain like angina…
it was in my lumps…
I realized that when I overwork my shoulders and arms I must be overtaxing the blood supply and it causes angina of the pectoralis muscles. It was very strange…
but I listened to my body…
took a break…
and am feeling better.

I had an interesting dilemma recently.
One of my son's friends came to my office for therapy.
I explained who I was, how I knew him previously…
he hid my son several times at his house and introduced him to hard drugs…
I asked him to consider whether he was comfortable with me…
and I proceeded to do the initial intake.
I spoke with colleagues about this and decided that I should not be the therapist to work with him.
He didn't shoe for his visit this week,
and the newspaper says he's been arrested on felony charges.
My son doesn't know about the office connection,
but he told me about the arrest.
He was happy that his former friend was arrested. It bothers me that he is unable to see that this is a kid with a tough past, who made poor choices, and is now, at age 18 going to jail. He was upset with the kid because he was introducing middle school students to meth. He wanted to seek vengeance against this kid for screwing up the lives of young kids. But, I hoped that, after Anasazi, he would see that it is the choices that are bad. I will write to him about this I guess.

I appreciate your thoughts on rote life.
I frequently work with people on their habits because over 90% of what we do is habitual- rote.
People stop thinking and spend most of their time on autopilot…
unfortunately reinforcing reactive, negative behaviors that make them feel as though they are necessary for survival. The process of thought- ruminating about events that have happened- reinforces the behavior and outcome (I survived) and we will continue to run that circuit whenever similar triggers occur.
The answer is mindfulness. Actually thinking about what we are doing, tasting, hearing, seeing, touching, smelling, intuitively sensing…
Allowing ourselves to sense, process and respond…
that's the key.

I hope that you and S#3 are having a good visit. I will call her next week to see how she is doing.
Love and Light,
Maggie