it begins now

We had a family birthday brunch. My middle child is now 30.  Thirty is so young, but being the mother of a 30-year-old - that doesn't feel so young.

Everyone was here for a few hours, except my oldest son and my youngest daughter - who had to work.  My youngest son seemed a little depressed. He was complaining about all the holidays that are about to hit, and commenting that he hates it.  I know I often just survive the holidays.  I wonder if my attitude has wrecked the holidays for them, or if the holidays are inherently full of suffering...

My middle child hates being the center of attention, but he survived in good spirits today.

I have begun  the tradition of giving them their baby books on the 30th birthdays.  But another part of my gift was to have the kids overnight, so he could sleep in.  I also had the babe.  As I was trying to get the two older kids down, the baby woke up and started crying. I went to soothe her back to sleep, and I could hear the other two tussling.  Then I heard a crack and a scream.  My little boy fell off the sleeper sofa and banged his head on the concrete floor.  So I grabbed the baby and ran,put her on the couch with her cousin,while I checked the boy, who was howling.  Just like the good old days, minus two kids. These moments give my nostalgia a reality check.

The sibs were really fighting a lot this weekend.  This is new. It is unusual.  I noticed my grandson is more aggressive.  He was in a day care that turned out to be less than great last year. There was another child, I think maybe with Asperger's, who was aggressive toward my grandson, and as far as I can tell, no one defended him.  Now he's in a new day care.  He didn't say much about it.

My heart goes out to these little people who get put in places that don;t suit them, where they are not happy, and they get no say.  But my boy was grabbing things from his sister, from his cousin. He elbowed his sister to get something before she could.  I have never seen this before, And I wonder wo is doing it to him.

 I worry.  I will wait for my time alone with him, and pray for wisdom.  I know the damage and the behavior we may see when he is a teen starts now...And so, I pray for wisdom. And may I be vulnerable and present with him.

Hope all is going well in the wild west.

I send love...

Clare