thump

Hello Maggie,

Sorry I didn't respond yesterday.  I had unexpected company.  My older neighbor, whom you met, brought some pumpkins from her garden for my grandkids.  Then she stayed and talked for awhile.  She has a hard lump on her thyroid.  She went in for an ultrasound. They didn't tell her the results, but instead they referred her to a larger hospital.

I understand why you and your daughter are so upset. But knowledge is power. You gave her knowledge.  That is the gift.

I thought a lot about Dad standing guard outside a door, blocking way.  One strange thought that came is that you two must absolutely trust each other to be willing to take on these horrible roles for each other, to allow the other to experience and learn.

But there's also the aspect that when we experience and act out agony, when we pass the pain on to others, we are ashamed. We would rather pretend it never happened. If no one knows - it's not real, right?  That's why it's all about you, or more precisely, it's all about appearances.  We look good, so the filth and gore is hidden deep...people will accept that we are good...

Classic thought/behavior patterns from anyone who survived an alcoholic home...alcoholic with all additional abuses that go with living with someone who is addictive and out of control.

I had a strange   dream last night.  I dreamed I was organizing a contradance, like I do in the waking world, but I forgot to do anything.  I  didn't make arrangements to get the key to open the hall, I didn't prepare any refreshments, I didn't give the band any last minute reminders, I didn't advertise. I forgot where to get the key, went to the hall and it was already opened. Someone pulled frozen refreshments from a previous dance out of the freezer and began preparing them, people began arriving before we even started...it was like everything was going right, even though I didn't so what I was supposed to do.  When I woke up I was upset, because I had forgotten so much.  Then I realized everything was going exactly the way it should, and I decided to take that as a good omen.

One last note - the other morning I ran outside to catch a glimpse of the eclipse.  I slipped in some mud and slammed down on my right side.  It really thumped me, but I am fine. I was wondering if that was an omen...

Love and hugs and see you at S#4's party...

Clare