Hmmmm...it seems, at times, that if you love the work you do, you never need a vacation.You are always being filled, rather than simply drained...
Which leads me to a fascination with the idea of a one way heart. How does a river flow both ways simultaneously? That is what I have to learn to understand, so maybe I can use the wisdom in my heart.
I went trick-or-treating tonight. I wore a black dress and flowing long black shirt and a green face. I didn't have a witchy hat, so I wore a black fedora. What I really wanted to wear was...I wanted to buy a big brimmed straw gardening hat, paint it black, then decorate it with orange flowers and Haloweeny tricks. But I never got out this week, so that hat lives on on my imagination. Maybe next year!
But I saw a quote that said some people who wear masks all year should relax for Halloween. I wondered if we let ourselves be seen when we are in costume. Does our choice reflect who we are? I was a hippy-witch, really, in flowing linen clothes and mismatched patterned socks that matched the color of my face, and Birkenstocks. Hippy, yeah...but witch? A witch - someone who makes things the way she wants, magically. Or is it the cliche of the ugly old, angry woman who eats children and is alone because she scares everyone away.
I do wear a mask, though. A friend says I pull on my regal. I pull myself together, stand up straight and create a psychic distance between myself and people I don't know. I think I know what she means. I feel like I climb into my tower.
Tonight is the night when the veil is thin. I usually spend time thinking about both grandmothers, and for some reason, cousin D. who died so young...
Hope you are having a Happy Halloween...
Love and such...
Clare
Friday, October 31, 2014
extended sabbatical of the heart
Clare,
I thought I had gotten here yesterday, but apparently only in my imagination.
Yesterday was a good day. The dog does need surgery, it is scheduled for Monday. Then it will be 4 weeks of keeping her calm to allow it to heal. Luckily she is 10 and is pretty calm to begin with. She gets overly excited when there are squirrels or crows on the driveway, then she thinks she's a puppy again.
We had letters from my youngest yesterday. I asked him if his anger had anything to do with my marital separation. He wrote that the separation was pointless, had no meaning, because we just got back together in the end. It is heartbreaking that he cannot see that so much internal work was done and that my relationship with husband is very different. I will write to him today and explain some of the important differences. I don't want to bog him down with details. I've already decided to make it clear that this is only my side of the story, so he understands that there are valid perspectives from all sides.
I just am saddened that he's felt like our family is pointless for 3 years.
I love the idea of a heart vacation. I think it is about opening to potential love and then accepting what comes our way. I feel so much better trying to live with a Heart at Peace with the world. It is freeing for me. It gives me courage to be me, to be seen, to lie with purpose. Perhaps it shouldn't be a vacation though, vacations are too short. Perhaps it should be an extended sabbatical…I like that better.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I thought I had gotten here yesterday, but apparently only in my imagination.
Yesterday was a good day. The dog does need surgery, it is scheduled for Monday. Then it will be 4 weeks of keeping her calm to allow it to heal. Luckily she is 10 and is pretty calm to begin with. She gets overly excited when there are squirrels or crows on the driveway, then she thinks she's a puppy again.
We had letters from my youngest yesterday. I asked him if his anger had anything to do with my marital separation. He wrote that the separation was pointless, had no meaning, because we just got back together in the end. It is heartbreaking that he cannot see that so much internal work was done and that my relationship with husband is very different. I will write to him today and explain some of the important differences. I don't want to bog him down with details. I've already decided to make it clear that this is only my side of the story, so he understands that there are valid perspectives from all sides.
I just am saddened that he's felt like our family is pointless for 3 years.
I love the idea of a heart vacation. I think it is about opening to potential love and then accepting what comes our way. I feel so much better trying to live with a Heart at Peace with the world. It is freeing for me. It gives me courage to be me, to be seen, to lie with purpose. Perhaps it shouldn't be a vacation though, vacations are too short. Perhaps it should be an extended sabbatical…I like that better.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Vacay
I think our hearts work too hard. There's no relief, no respite - we don't live a life that allows it. Codependent mama types give but don't know how to receive. It's like our hearts only work in one direction...maybe...
It's the grandma serving others, waiting, waiting, and maybe someday allowing herself to be served and loved and waited on...Grandma sitting and waiting, anticipating our needs as we ate, waiting to eat alone afterwards. I wonder why she started that practice...
Vacations...Sometimes we bask on a beach and absorb rays of Light. Sometimes we climb mountains and discover new places. Sometimes we take lessons.
How do we take a heart vacation? How do we relax, step aside and allow ourselves to be loved? How do we let down our guard?
I don't know how to take a normal vacation. I have organized my life to prove that I am not worthy. How in the world can I discern how to take a heart vacation...to rest my weary heart?
Once we figure out heart vacations, maybe we an tackle soul vacations. Hmmmm...I don't think my soul needs a vacation. It is learning all the time, and totally fascinated by this experience, pain and joy and exhaustion and excitement and all.
The baby would not fall asleep tonight. I think she is coming down with somehting. And so I am exhausted and - not very profound or thoughtful tonight.
Must sleep...Hope you are well...
Love and hugs,
Clare
It's the grandma serving others, waiting, waiting, and maybe someday allowing herself to be served and loved and waited on...Grandma sitting and waiting, anticipating our needs as we ate, waiting to eat alone afterwards. I wonder why she started that practice...
Vacations...Sometimes we bask on a beach and absorb rays of Light. Sometimes we climb mountains and discover new places. Sometimes we take lessons.
How do we take a heart vacation? How do we relax, step aside and allow ourselves to be loved? How do we let down our guard?
I don't know how to take a normal vacation. I have organized my life to prove that I am not worthy. How in the world can I discern how to take a heart vacation...to rest my weary heart?
Once we figure out heart vacations, maybe we an tackle soul vacations. Hmmmm...I don't think my soul needs a vacation. It is learning all the time, and totally fascinated by this experience, pain and joy and exhaustion and excitement and all.
The baby would not fall asleep tonight. I think she is coming down with somehting. And so I am exhausted and - not very profound or thoughtful tonight.
Must sleep...Hope you are well...
Love and hugs,
Clare
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
heart vacation
What's at the center of the onion? The Light. Maybe. The core self, the true you, no archetypes or masks, just playful love.
So, how will you take a heart vacation? Or how will you get a heart rest? What would restore and refresh your heart?
I like these questions.
I had an I miss you/I miss you more conversation with my grandson this evening. That filled my heart with joy.
If you need a transfusion of love, let me know. I'll smile on your beautiful, wise and generous soul!
I took the baby outside yesterday, and she noticed a lady bug walking on my shirt. So we held her finger very still so the little beetle could walk on the baby's finger. It is so uplifting and so cool to see the world through the baby's eyes. Then we let the lady bug fly away home and a monarch butterfly flew right into my heart. It rested on my chest for a second, then flew away.
My first thought was "Transformation."
Then I was surrounded by a feeling of grief. I had a strong sense of the loneliness of being the first or the last of a kind. This is the only monarch I have seen this year. I was wondering if it would be able to find its people for the migration to Mexico. It all seemed so sad and lonely...to be the only one left.
Then I thought about being the first of our kind, of not being recognized or understood.
It's too bad I don't spend more time outside. There is inspiration everywhere...
I love you...
Clare
So, how will you take a heart vacation? Or how will you get a heart rest? What would restore and refresh your heart?
I like these questions.
I had an I miss you/I miss you more conversation with my grandson this evening. That filled my heart with joy.
If you need a transfusion of love, let me know. I'll smile on your beautiful, wise and generous soul!
I took the baby outside yesterday, and she noticed a lady bug walking on my shirt. So we held her finger very still so the little beetle could walk on the baby's finger. It is so uplifting and so cool to see the world through the baby's eyes. Then we let the lady bug fly away home and a monarch butterfly flew right into my heart. It rested on my chest for a second, then flew away.
My first thought was "Transformation."
Then I was surrounded by a feeling of grief. I had a strong sense of the loneliness of being the first or the last of a kind. This is the only monarch I have seen this year. I was wondering if it would be able to find its people for the migration to Mexico. It all seemed so sad and lonely...to be the only one left.
Then I thought about being the first of our kind, of not being recognized or understood.
It's too bad I don't spend more time outside. There is inspiration everywhere...
I love you...
Clare
never-ending
Clare,
I think the onion metaphor is a good one, layers of trauma peeled off. But what's at the center?
I had a session with my Reiki healer last night and had some interesting insights.
She was working around my heart chakra and I asked her what it looked like now…
if you recall, a year ago it was a corridor of slamming doors that locked as she approached…
last evening she told me the doors had turned into windows…
at the end of the corridor was an arched, stained glass window- a floral bouquet type pattern…
there was Light streaming through the stained glass.
I love that image.
She also told me that my heart was tired…
it needs some time and peace to recover from this past year.
I agree with that.
It has been a hell of a year.
My big dog has torn her cruciate ligament…
tomorrow I tai eher to the surgeon…
next week she will most likely have surgical repair.
Sometimes this stuff is never-ending.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I think the onion metaphor is a good one, layers of trauma peeled off. But what's at the center?
I had a session with my Reiki healer last night and had some interesting insights.
She was working around my heart chakra and I asked her what it looked like now…
if you recall, a year ago it was a corridor of slamming doors that locked as she approached…
last evening she told me the doors had turned into windows…
at the end of the corridor was an arched, stained glass window- a floral bouquet type pattern…
there was Light streaming through the stained glass.
I love that image.
She also told me that my heart was tired…
it needs some time and peace to recover from this past year.
I agree with that.
It has been a hell of a year.
My big dog has torn her cruciate ligament…
tomorrow I tai eher to the surgeon…
next week she will most likely have surgical repair.
Sometimes this stuff is never-ending.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, October 27, 2014
Onionize
Hi Maggie,
Thank you so much for the books. I'm going crazy, trying to decide where to start. By the time I got around to packing, which was about 5 am on Saturday, I didn't even think about books.
This may have been one of the first family gatherings where I left sort of looking forward to another. I talked with S#3 about this on the way home, and she pointed out there were only six of us - from our generation - and it was only 3 or 4 hours. It was something we could handle.
Being the oldest has really left me very much on the outside. I didn't know most of the old friends and schoolmates discussed. My class was so far ahead. And our sister's neighbor's dad pointing out that S#5 was the younger version and I was the older version of the birthday girl didn't help - although I laughed. My favorite moment might have been when the four of us walked in together and everyone seemed to be so surprised because we all look so much alike. That was fun.
Maybe the process of leaving stuff behind is like pulling the layers off of an onion. Chose one aspect, one thing that you need to release. Work on it. Let it go. Then start thinking about the next layer. I was thinking about the way we dress in layers for the cold. It gives us options for how we can protect ourselves and stay warm. Maybe people from abusive families do the same. We create behaviors, layers of protection, and we choose which we need for the situations we are living through.
I think the hardest part of the process is recognizing, identifying, the protective behavior.
I had a disturbing dream last night. I walked into a room and there were many bird cages, one atop another. Many of the cages were filled with blue parakeets, although I saw other, larger tropical birds stuffed in. They were dirty and dusty and some were covered with droppings. Their food and water were filthy. They looked at me with dead eyes. I opened a cage, and realized that birds had been breeding and breeding and then breeding some more. I took a few blue birds from a lower cage and started walking, wondering what I was going to do with them.. I let them go in my house. I just sat there for a minute, overwhelmed, then realized I had to get the rest of them - all that were still alive - because there were many dead birds. I knew that I had no idea what to do with them. but I would begin by freeing them in my house. When I went back, I saw there was dog crap on the floor - I think it was fresh.
The dead eyes haunt me. And blue is the color of communication/communicating. I was wondering if this was an ancestral dream, since we are so close to Samhain, when the veils between are thin.
The latter from your son was profound. That boy is a warrior spirit!
Love and hugs and songs...
Clare
-Looking at some of the photos. Thanking so much for cropping my backside out of the group shot at the table. I had to lean to get my face close, which was not an attractive position...and looking at myself - I need a haircut!!! Not sure what to do, but gray hair and gray face are not the best combination!
Thank you so much for the books. I'm going crazy, trying to decide where to start. By the time I got around to packing, which was about 5 am on Saturday, I didn't even think about books.
This may have been one of the first family gatherings where I left sort of looking forward to another. I talked with S#3 about this on the way home, and she pointed out there were only six of us - from our generation - and it was only 3 or 4 hours. It was something we could handle.
Being the oldest has really left me very much on the outside. I didn't know most of the old friends and schoolmates discussed. My class was so far ahead. And our sister's neighbor's dad pointing out that S#5 was the younger version and I was the older version of the birthday girl didn't help - although I laughed. My favorite moment might have been when the four of us walked in together and everyone seemed to be so surprised because we all look so much alike. That was fun.
Maybe the process of leaving stuff behind is like pulling the layers off of an onion. Chose one aspect, one thing that you need to release. Work on it. Let it go. Then start thinking about the next layer. I was thinking about the way we dress in layers for the cold. It gives us options for how we can protect ourselves and stay warm. Maybe people from abusive families do the same. We create behaviors, layers of protection, and we choose which we need for the situations we are living through.
I think the hardest part of the process is recognizing, identifying, the protective behavior.
I had a disturbing dream last night. I walked into a room and there were many bird cages, one atop another. Many of the cages were filled with blue parakeets, although I saw other, larger tropical birds stuffed in. They were dirty and dusty and some were covered with droppings. Their food and water were filthy. They looked at me with dead eyes. I opened a cage, and realized that birds had been breeding and breeding and then breeding some more. I took a few blue birds from a lower cage and started walking, wondering what I was going to do with them.. I let them go in my house. I just sat there for a minute, overwhelmed, then realized I had to get the rest of them - all that were still alive - because there were many dead birds. I knew that I had no idea what to do with them. but I would begin by freeing them in my house. When I went back, I saw there was dog crap on the floor - I think it was fresh.
The dead eyes haunt me. And blue is the color of communication/communicating. I was wondering if this was an ancestral dream, since we are so close to Samhain, when the veils between are thin.
The latter from your son was profound. That boy is a warrior spirit!
Love and hugs and songs...
Clare
-Looking at some of the photos. Thanking so much for cropping my backside out of the group shot at the table. I had to lean to get my face close, which was not an attractive position...and looking at myself - I need a haircut!!! Not sure what to do, but gray hair and gray face are not the best combination!
Moving forward
Clare,
It was so good to spend time with you, playing. It was great to laugh and sing with our family.
I've been challenged to leave behind all that is not serving me…
everything that is not supporting my "forward walking"…
I am so ready to do that…
but how?
When I say that I am leaving behind all of the anger and frustration I believe that I've done that…
but, when one of our family acts unkindly towards me…
I pick the scab off and lick the wounds.
I've got to let it heal.
When I practiced medicine we would debride a wound…
cut off all the tissue that wasn't healthy and leave a bed of healthy tissue…
then pack that with clean bandages…
each day we would pull out those bandages and with them the unhealthy tissue that formed through that time. It was brutal, but the only way to heal deep wounds.
Have I pulled enough dead weight out of my brain to allow the wounds to heal over?
I think I have.
I hope that I have.
Iwant will to be done with this chapter of my life.
Iwant will to move onto where I retain the lessons and forgive the pain.
(I once read that when you make a statement with want it remains a want to the universe, It is more powerful to will something, it brings about more results.)
I am moving forward.
I am so glad that you are with me.
It was so good to see you.
Love and Light,
Maggie
It was so good to spend time with you, playing. It was great to laugh and sing with our family.
I've been challenged to leave behind all that is not serving me…
everything that is not supporting my "forward walking"…
I am so ready to do that…
but how?
When I say that I am leaving behind all of the anger and frustration I believe that I've done that…
but, when one of our family acts unkindly towards me…
I pick the scab off and lick the wounds.
I've got to let it heal.
When I practiced medicine we would debride a wound…
cut off all the tissue that wasn't healthy and leave a bed of healthy tissue…
then pack that with clean bandages…
each day we would pull out those bandages and with them the unhealthy tissue that formed through that time. It was brutal, but the only way to heal deep wounds.
Have I pulled enough dead weight out of my brain to allow the wounds to heal over?
I think I have.
I hope that I have.
I
I
(I once read that when you make a statement with want it remains a want to the universe, It is more powerful to will something, it brings about more results.)
I am moving forward.
I am so glad that you are with me.
It was so good to see you.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, October 24, 2014
avoiding vulnerability
Clare,
Your words about husband and vulnerability took me back to his mother's funeral. He was asked to give the eulogy. He wrote it and then practiced it on me. It was funny and lighthearted. But, he never used the word Mom or Mother…he only referred to her by her name. When I pointed this out to him, he admitted that to say Mom might make him cry…and he didn't want to cry. And, yes, you are onto something with his talk last night.
I'm feeling better today. I found out that I also sang Elvis' Love Me Tender, and that I was quite good. I've been getting rave reviews. I wonder if the Tamoxifen is making it harder for my liver to deal with wine. I really shouldn't drink at all. I have to be careful this weekend. I will just have to enjoy all of the festivities sober, high on life.
We got letters from our youngest yesterday. He had an awakening that was so necessary…
he came to realize that all of the anger that he was hurling at us, his family, was the anger that he felt towards himself for being stagnant, not challenging himself, smoking pot. He has apologized to each of us for "shoveling his shit" onto us to make himself feel better about life. It's an incredible realization- one that many adults never have. I love this kid so much. I love them all. He explained it so well that I think it's going to have a ripple effect throughout the family, because he is not the only one guilty of doing this. I am so thankful for this program and the people who are helping us to grow together. I cannot imagine what life would be like without this support and assistance.
I am really looking forward to tomorrow, sitting with you and the other sisters and just being…
whatever.
It will be fun.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Your words about husband and vulnerability took me back to his mother's funeral. He was asked to give the eulogy. He wrote it and then practiced it on me. It was funny and lighthearted. But, he never used the word Mom or Mother…he only referred to her by her name. When I pointed this out to him, he admitted that to say Mom might make him cry…and he didn't want to cry. And, yes, you are onto something with his talk last night.
I'm feeling better today. I found out that I also sang Elvis' Love Me Tender, and that I was quite good. I've been getting rave reviews. I wonder if the Tamoxifen is making it harder for my liver to deal with wine. I really shouldn't drink at all. I have to be careful this weekend. I will just have to enjoy all of the festivities sober, high on life.
We got letters from our youngest yesterday. He had an awakening that was so necessary…
he came to realize that all of the anger that he was hurling at us, his family, was the anger that he felt towards himself for being stagnant, not challenging himself, smoking pot. He has apologized to each of us for "shoveling his shit" onto us to make himself feel better about life. It's an incredible realization- one that many adults never have. I love this kid so much. I love them all. He explained it so well that I think it's going to have a ripple effect throughout the family, because he is not the only one guilty of doing this. I am so thankful for this program and the people who are helping us to grow together. I cannot imagine what life would be like without this support and assistance.
I am really looking forward to tomorrow, sitting with you and the other sisters and just being…
whatever.
It will be fun.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, October 23, 2014
conflict
I hope you are feeling better. The best hangover remedy - lots of water. Flush your poor liver out. How is your husband doing with his Anasazi stuff? I know you are working on vulnerability, but it seems the universe offered him a chance last night and he said No thanks, not now...Getting emotional in public might be very freeing for him...losing control...admitting we are not in control.
Be picky about your boobs. They have to fit you. What's wrong with being picky? I remember I used to watch my mother-in-law be picky, even nit-picky. But she knew what she wanted and was not afraid to ask for it over and over until she got it. I'm still not sure if I completely approved. Sometimes I was silently critical, but I didn't say anything, I just watched. That might be my very enculturated little girl trying to be nice...wanting everyone to be nice.
I was supposed to have a committee meeting here tonight. One of the members forgot, and so the two other of us had a chance to sit and talk. We talked a little about violence and conflict. She saw a quote that said something to the effect that conflict was two ideas trying to occupy the same place at the same time. I liked that. Then I started thinking about my reactions to conflict. I was especially thinking about my marriage, where if we had two ideas, I often retracted mine. I started wondering what I did with that retracted piece, and realized it that reabsorbing it meant there was less room inside me for me, and so I dwindled - kind of until I disappeared, squashed under the weight of all that unspoken feeling. I wondered what kind of inner conflict that created that I managed to suppress.
Sometimes I wonder how many screams I have stored inside myself.
Helps explain the source of the screams I directed at my kids...
Tomorrow S#3 will arrive for an overnight. I think we both have long days to get through. The next day - on the road! I'll see you soon.
Love from Clare
Be picky about your boobs. They have to fit you. What's wrong with being picky? I remember I used to watch my mother-in-law be picky, even nit-picky. But she knew what she wanted and was not afraid to ask for it over and over until she got it. I'm still not sure if I completely approved. Sometimes I was silently critical, but I didn't say anything, I just watched. That might be my very enculturated little girl trying to be nice...wanting everyone to be nice.
I was supposed to have a committee meeting here tonight. One of the members forgot, and so the two other of us had a chance to sit and talk. We talked a little about violence and conflict. She saw a quote that said something to the effect that conflict was two ideas trying to occupy the same place at the same time. I liked that. Then I started thinking about my reactions to conflict. I was especially thinking about my marriage, where if we had two ideas, I often retracted mine. I started wondering what I did with that retracted piece, and realized it that reabsorbing it meant there was less room inside me for me, and so I dwindled - kind of until I disappeared, squashed under the weight of all that unspoken feeling. I wondered what kind of inner conflict that created that I managed to suppress.
Sometimes I wonder how many screams I have stored inside myself.
Helps explain the source of the screams I directed at my kids...
Tomorrow S#3 will arrive for an overnight. I think we both have long days to get through. The next day - on the road! I'll see you soon.
Love from Clare
headache today
Clare,
Good morning.
My assignment for today is to call out 5 gratitudes. I think I will spend my day noting gratitudes. Seeing the good in situations.
I have a wicked headache…
because I drank wine last night.
We went to a breast cancer awareness dinner last evening…
husband spoke about the need for mammography…
he asked permission to speak of our journey this past year…
I encouraged him to tell our story…
but he didn't.
He kept it clinical.
He doesn't like to talk about personal things in a public space…
even if it would have delivered a strong message…
this happens to anyone!
My friend, co-songwriter, was there last evening as well.
I sang The Rose and Wind Beneath My Wings with her as people were eating dinner. It felt really good to sing again. Music is definitely something I am grateful for.
You're right about the boobs…
get them.
If I don't like them I can have them removed.
A friend has bilateral mastectomy 2 years ago…
she is on her second set of implants because she didn't like the first.
I thought she was being too "picky", but after reading your thoughts I guess she is simply demanding the best solution to the situation.
Thanks.
Love and Light,
Maggie
you are beautiful...
Good morning.
My assignment for today is to call out 5 gratitudes. I think I will spend my day noting gratitudes. Seeing the good in situations.
I have a wicked headache…
because I drank wine last night.
We went to a breast cancer awareness dinner last evening…
husband spoke about the need for mammography…
he asked permission to speak of our journey this past year…
I encouraged him to tell our story…
but he didn't.
He kept it clinical.
He doesn't like to talk about personal things in a public space…
even if it would have delivered a strong message…
this happens to anyone!
My friend, co-songwriter, was there last evening as well.
I sang The Rose and Wind Beneath My Wings with her as people were eating dinner. It felt really good to sing again. Music is definitely something I am grateful for.
You're right about the boobs…
get them.
If I don't like them I can have them removed.
A friend has bilateral mastectomy 2 years ago…
she is on her second set of implants because she didn't like the first.
I thought she was being too "picky", but after reading your thoughts I guess she is simply demanding the best solution to the situation.
Thanks.
Love and Light,
Maggie
you are beautiful...
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
I'm thinking...
Hi Maggie,
It doesn't matter what you say, it only matters what I hear. I know I am beautiful...yeah...but I really don't accept that. It is not my truth. So you can say it all you want, and I won't argue, but I also don't believe.
I will have to consider what you said about having my friend at our sister's party. Rather than providing shelter from the family for me, I think this really reflects another of my patterns. I try to do too much. I think I can do everything, but in reality - I'm not realistic.
But, may I point out that she attended Mom's birthday party, and I spent time with family, not with her. She was too busy spending time with family. She gets Mom's weekly news email, and says she knows more about the goings-on in our family than in her own. I think my motivation was that if she were here and didn't bother to visit me, I would be hurt. If I am in her city, I want to see her.
Am I rationalizing here? We are going to be in the city for less than 24 hours. I want to do everything, see everyone, and not disappoint anyone. Sigh...
What is the truth I am waiting to tell? The question brings tears, but I am not sure what the truth is yet. I was thinking about telling a lie, creating a story, then making it real. Kind of a Velveteen Rabbit approach to creating a life...maybe?
Have the boobs. If you change your mind, don't have them. It's your body, it's your creation, it's your response to the cancer that invaded uninvited. Fight back - with curves, if that is what you want. You can always change your mind.
I think New York recently legalized medical marijuana. It's the first step toward reversing the prohibition which has caused so much crime. I hope they release all of the nonviolent offenders in jail for possession. It just seems the drug law's purpose is to keep the prisons filled. It seems so unjust.
There is another eclipse tomorrow...be prepared!
Love and hugs - in person soon...
Clare
It doesn't matter what you say, it only matters what I hear. I know I am beautiful...yeah...but I really don't accept that. It is not my truth. So you can say it all you want, and I won't argue, but I also don't believe.
I will have to consider what you said about having my friend at our sister's party. Rather than providing shelter from the family for me, I think this really reflects another of my patterns. I try to do too much. I think I can do everything, but in reality - I'm not realistic.
But, may I point out that she attended Mom's birthday party, and I spent time with family, not with her. She was too busy spending time with family. She gets Mom's weekly news email, and says she knows more about the goings-on in our family than in her own. I think my motivation was that if she were here and didn't bother to visit me, I would be hurt. If I am in her city, I want to see her.
Am I rationalizing here? We are going to be in the city for less than 24 hours. I want to do everything, see everyone, and not disappoint anyone. Sigh...
What is the truth I am waiting to tell? The question brings tears, but I am not sure what the truth is yet. I was thinking about telling a lie, creating a story, then making it real. Kind of a Velveteen Rabbit approach to creating a life...maybe?
Have the boobs. If you change your mind, don't have them. It's your body, it's your creation, it's your response to the cancer that invaded uninvited. Fight back - with curves, if that is what you want. You can always change your mind.
I think New York recently legalized medical marijuana. It's the first step toward reversing the prohibition which has caused so much crime. I hope they release all of the nonviolent offenders in jail for possession. It just seems the drug law's purpose is to keep the prisons filled. It seems so unjust.
There is another eclipse tomorrow...be prepared!
Love and hugs - in person soon...
Clare
You are beautiful Clare
Clare,
First, you are beautiful.
Second, I hope that you are done falling down.
Third, I want to gently point out your next "cop-out". Inviting your best friend to the party is like Linus taking his blanket along and then covering his head all evening with it. You'll engage only when you feel safe, otherwise you'll spend time with her. You've agreed to go to this party, to be with sisters. It is going to feel uncomfortable, but you've wanted to be included in sister activities for years. This is your opportunity. Please consider how having another person there will dilute the experience, for all of us. Is that too harsh? It's meant to be honest and loving.
What is the lie you are waiting to tell???
I understand that is for writing fiction, so I will turn it to,
What is the truth you are waiting to tell?
My "homework" for my sons program is about opening my heart…
finding the place where I can have a Heart at Peace with him and all others.
This morning I had to consider what steps I need to take to create an open heart- vulnerability.
I need to give up my own agenda- trying to control and create a perfect facade.
I need to allow my family to make mistakes or choices that teach them important lessons.
I need to not "own" everything.
My children are all writing and/or speaking to each other…
they are working on relationship…
not because I am forcing family togetherness…
but because they are seeing the value in each other.
This program, Anasazi, has made an important impact on my family.
I had a conversation with our cousin this week, the one who is journeying through breast cancer with me. She sent me a bracelet with a heart that has the word "courage" engraved. We talked about the reconstruction process. Her implants are still uncomfortable. I was so looking forward to losing the expanders for softer implants, but it sounds like it's not going to be a huge improvement. We both wondered why we went the reconstruction route. I considered not reconstructing. My daughters advised me to reconstruct. I did, because of vanity. I caved to the societal standards of real women having boobs. Even though I now have a risk for lymphoma caused by the silicon implants. Sometimes I wonder about myself.
I have to start working on a article about supporting legislation for the legalization of medical marijuana in PA. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
First, you are beautiful.
Second, I hope that you are done falling down.
Third, I want to gently point out your next "cop-out". Inviting your best friend to the party is like Linus taking his blanket along and then covering his head all evening with it. You'll engage only when you feel safe, otherwise you'll spend time with her. You've agreed to go to this party, to be with sisters. It is going to feel uncomfortable, but you've wanted to be included in sister activities for years. This is your opportunity. Please consider how having another person there will dilute the experience, for all of us. Is that too harsh? It's meant to be honest and loving.
What is the lie you are waiting to tell???
I understand that is for writing fiction, so I will turn it to,
What is the truth you are waiting to tell?
My "homework" for my sons program is about opening my heart…
finding the place where I can have a Heart at Peace with him and all others.
This morning I had to consider what steps I need to take to create an open heart- vulnerability.
I need to give up my own agenda- trying to control and create a perfect facade.
I need to allow my family to make mistakes or choices that teach them important lessons.
I need to not "own" everything.
My children are all writing and/or speaking to each other…
they are working on relationship…
not because I am forcing family togetherness…
but because they are seeing the value in each other.
This program, Anasazi, has made an important impact on my family.
I had a conversation with our cousin this week, the one who is journeying through breast cancer with me. She sent me a bracelet with a heart that has the word "courage" engraved. We talked about the reconstruction process. Her implants are still uncomfortable. I was so looking forward to losing the expanders for softer implants, but it sounds like it's not going to be a huge improvement. We both wondered why we went the reconstruction route. I considered not reconstructing. My daughters advised me to reconstruct. I did, because of vanity. I caved to the societal standards of real women having boobs. Even though I now have a risk for lymphoma caused by the silicon implants. Sometimes I wonder about myself.
I have to start working on a article about supporting legislation for the legalization of medical marijuana in PA. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
lie
I love reading Barbara Kingsolver. She is my current favorite. I just finished reading High Tide in Tucson, and of course, words, thoughts, ideas stay with me.
There is a passage in an essay when she talks about writing fiction, about creating a whopper of a story.
"Stop a minute right where you are. Relax your shoulders, shake your head and spine like a dog shaking off cold water. Tell that imperious voice in your head to be still, then close your eyes, and tap the well. Find the lie you are longing to tell. It's in there..."
The lie I am longing to tell...I am fine. I am beautiful. I know what I am doing.
Barbara was talking about creating fiction, I am desperately wondering if I can recreate, or maybe create, myself...my life.
I had a strange thought today. I wondered what if someone told me I am beautiful. I know I would shrug it off, because that is what I always do. But what if someone kept saying it until I could not shrug it off, shut it out, ignore it, make it go away...I was living it, a little today. I got to the point of hysterical tears - make it stop. I wondered if resigned acceptance would be next.
What if we did this to.for each other? It is the opposite of listening. It is telling a truth over and over until we are listened to.
And then, in the end, Barbara eloquently described a crab molting, splitting its skin, being absolutely vulnerable until its new self solidified.
Can we do that?
Can we be that?
So I'm thinking about this...about transformation.
It was raining today and I was running in the back door. I slipped and slammed down on my side. Again. This time it was on my left side. Again, I hit the ground hard, got up and kept going. I am wondering if I am now back in balance...
Hope all is well with you and yours.
Love you,
Clare
There is a passage in an essay when she talks about writing fiction, about creating a whopper of a story.
"Stop a minute right where you are. Relax your shoulders, shake your head and spine like a dog shaking off cold water. Tell that imperious voice in your head to be still, then close your eyes, and tap the well. Find the lie you are longing to tell. It's in there..."
The lie I am longing to tell...I am fine. I am beautiful. I know what I am doing.
Barbara was talking about creating fiction, I am desperately wondering if I can recreate, or maybe create, myself...my life.
I had a strange thought today. I wondered what if someone told me I am beautiful. I know I would shrug it off, because that is what I always do. But what if someone kept saying it until I could not shrug it off, shut it out, ignore it, make it go away...I was living it, a little today. I got to the point of hysterical tears - make it stop. I wondered if resigned acceptance would be next.
What if we did this to.for each other? It is the opposite of listening. It is telling a truth over and over until we are listened to.
And then, in the end, Barbara eloquently described a crab molting, splitting its skin, being absolutely vulnerable until its new self solidified.
Can we do that?
Can we be that?
So I'm thinking about this...about transformation.
It was raining today and I was running in the back door. I slipped and slammed down on my side. Again. This time it was on my left side. Again, I hit the ground hard, got up and kept going. I am wondering if I am now back in balance...
Hope all is well with you and yours.
Love you,
Clare
Monday, October 20, 2014
autumn-dazed
I do pluck them. I am passing as "young" I guess. Some aspects of menopause suck! Those stray hairs are a biggie! I like bearded men, but I am afraid of having a better beard than they do!
I learned to use active listening first as a peer counselor, again in AVP and in RC. It is hard to simply listen, acknowledge and be present and to bite the tongue and keep silent. Or to ask questions simply to clarify rather than to lead the speaker to a place that is comfortable for us. It is so hard to disengage from dialog, where we more plan what we want to say than to listen.
But listening is a form of respect, of acknowledging the other's intelligence and wisdom.
I think we dialog, wait desperately for our turn to speak, that because we have not been listened to. We are all desperate to be acknowledged and heard. I honestly think the greatest gift we can give is the gift of attentive listening. Sometimes I wonder how different the world could be, would be, if we just listened to each other.
And sometimes I can be a good listener. But other times, when I haven't had enough adult contact, I blather on and on, almost unable to shut up.
Good luck with the new job exploration. If it's right, way will open!
We saw our first snowflakes yesterday. They melted before they hit the ground, but nevertheless, there was snow! I am not ready for winter. Winter means so much more work. It is harder to take the dogs out. I have to keep the fire going 24/7. I wish I could borrow half the local library and simply hibernate. The long nights and lack of sun make it all worse.
On the other hand, I do love winter. I love those brilliantly blue days with low temperatures and crisp air, and blinding white drifts of snow. I'm not sure why I am complaining.
My mind is sort of autumn-dazed, I think...wandering amid the fallen gold and scarlet. I'm not sure who I am or what I am doing. So I'll go with that and see if I figure me out.
Looking forward to seeing you. Talked to my best friend from college. We'll see her this weekend too. I may pass a message to S#4 and ask if I can invite my friend to her party. Am I rude???? My older neighbor says it is very important for us to get photos of the five sisters together. I hate it when she says things like that, but I always trust her.
As usual, I am tired. I feel like I am leaving here without leaving anything profound...maybe tomorrow!
Love and hugs,
Clare
I learned to use active listening first as a peer counselor, again in AVP and in RC. It is hard to simply listen, acknowledge and be present and to bite the tongue and keep silent. Or to ask questions simply to clarify rather than to lead the speaker to a place that is comfortable for us. It is so hard to disengage from dialog, where we more plan what we want to say than to listen.
But listening is a form of respect, of acknowledging the other's intelligence and wisdom.
I think we dialog, wait desperately for our turn to speak, that because we have not been listened to. We are all desperate to be acknowledged and heard. I honestly think the greatest gift we can give is the gift of attentive listening. Sometimes I wonder how different the world could be, would be, if we just listened to each other.
And sometimes I can be a good listener. But other times, when I haven't had enough adult contact, I blather on and on, almost unable to shut up.
Good luck with the new job exploration. If it's right, way will open!
We saw our first snowflakes yesterday. They melted before they hit the ground, but nevertheless, there was snow! I am not ready for winter. Winter means so much more work. It is harder to take the dogs out. I have to keep the fire going 24/7. I wish I could borrow half the local library and simply hibernate. The long nights and lack of sun make it all worse.
On the other hand, I do love winter. I love those brilliantly blue days with low temperatures and crisp air, and blinding white drifts of snow. I'm not sure why I am complaining.
My mind is sort of autumn-dazed, I think...wandering amid the fallen gold and scarlet. I'm not sure who I am or what I am doing. So I'll go with that and see if I figure me out.
Looking forward to seeing you. Talked to my best friend from college. We'll see her this weekend too. I may pass a message to S#4 and ask if I can invite my friend to her party. Am I rude???? My older neighbor says it is very important for us to get photos of the five sisters together. I hate it when she says things like that, but I always trust her.
As usual, I am tired. I feel like I am leaving here without leaving anything profound...maybe tomorrow!
Love and hugs,
Clare
considerations
Clare,
My advice is to pluck those hairs out and then you're not old anymore!
The bread, yeast, patience concept is good- even in a older than toddler way. I like working with bread dough. I like the feel of it when it is elastic and just right. I might have to make some just to get a kinesthetic image.
I've been hit with messages about active listening this past week. I think it is a lesson that I need to practice. To just open myself to another's ideas, hopes, dreams, fears…without an agenda of my own. I am trying to invite my youngest to share, through letters. Listening to, or reading, his ideas in that form makes the task easier. I have time to digest it all. I have time to respond rather than react. I have time to get to know his heart. I want to practice this in the office with my clients- a place that I believe I already do strive for this. I want to practice this with family and friends as well. It is in keeping with seeing "that of God in all beings". Every person deserves to be heard.
I'm considering applying for a position as an executive director of a nonprofit. I've been approached by a number of people and each has encouraged me to apply. I plan on exploring the opportunity. It is an hour drive from my home. I also would give up the counseling if I got the position. There are a lot of positives though, like the salary which is much more than I am making right now. We've had a lot of unexpected expenses this past year, it would be good to help contribute towards some of those. I would be a lot more visible (public) than I currently am. Like Brene Brown said, I've been flying "under the radar" and I may lose that. But, on the other hand, I gain a public voice for some of my "passions", like anti-violence. I'm not sure what to do, except to explore and see what my impressions are.
I am so looking forward to this coming weekend. It will be good to be with you and our sisters, nieces, and families.
I love you.
Love and Light to you and yours,
Maggie
My advice is to pluck those hairs out and then you're not old anymore!
The bread, yeast, patience concept is good- even in a older than toddler way. I like working with bread dough. I like the feel of it when it is elastic and just right. I might have to make some just to get a kinesthetic image.
I've been hit with messages about active listening this past week. I think it is a lesson that I need to practice. To just open myself to another's ideas, hopes, dreams, fears…without an agenda of my own. I am trying to invite my youngest to share, through letters. Listening to, or reading, his ideas in that form makes the task easier. I have time to digest it all. I have time to respond rather than react. I have time to get to know his heart. I want to practice this in the office with my clients- a place that I believe I already do strive for this. I want to practice this with family and friends as well. It is in keeping with seeing "that of God in all beings". Every person deserves to be heard.
I'm considering applying for a position as an executive director of a nonprofit. I've been approached by a number of people and each has encouraged me to apply. I plan on exploring the opportunity. It is an hour drive from my home. I also would give up the counseling if I got the position. There are a lot of positives though, like the salary which is much more than I am making right now. We've had a lot of unexpected expenses this past year, it would be good to help contribute towards some of those. I would be a lot more visible (public) than I currently am. Like Brene Brown said, I've been flying "under the radar" and I may lose that. But, on the other hand, I gain a public voice for some of my "passions", like anti-violence. I'm not sure what to do, except to explore and see what my impressions are.
I am so looking forward to this coming weekend. It will be good to be with you and our sisters, nieces, and families.
I love you.
Love and Light to you and yours,
Maggie
Saturday, October 18, 2014
chin hairs
I have chin hairs. I hate it, but I do.
I'm old!!!!!
We had a contradance at meetinghouse this evening. I had the baby, but we got to dance a few. She loved it. Unfortunately, she wanted to dance independently - not in my arms or holding my hand - in the middle of the rest of the dancers. We had a toddler moment, or two.
Made lots of bread, and talked it through, because the baby was there, watching. It seemed poetic - like lessons for life. You need warm water and something sweet, some salt and yeast. Start stirring. Soon you can handle it...and work it...
Seemed profound in a toddler sort of way!
Yeah, I'm exhausted!
Love and hugs,
(Next week at this time, we'll be together...and as S#3 says, if the party's too much, we'll just retreat to the hotel and hang out together!)
Clare
I'm old!!!!!
We had a contradance at meetinghouse this evening. I had the baby, but we got to dance a few. She loved it. Unfortunately, she wanted to dance independently - not in my arms or holding my hand - in the middle of the rest of the dancers. We had a toddler moment, or two.
Made lots of bread, and talked it through, because the baby was there, watching. It seemed poetic - like lessons for life. You need warm water and something sweet, some salt and yeast. Start stirring. Soon you can handle it...and work it...
Seemed profound in a toddler sort of way!
Yeah, I'm exhausted!
Love and hugs,
(Next week at this time, we'll be together...and as S#3 says, if the party's too much, we'll just retreat to the hotel and hang out together!)
Clare
I'm back
Clare,
I am home, but exhausted. I had a wonderful time working the conference, but I worked 38 hours in the past 3 days and I'm tired.
I saw some old friends- they were incredibly supportive and loving. My favorite professor, a woman over the age of 80, asked me how I am doing. When I told her that the Tamoxifen makes me feel old she grabbed my face in her hand, pulled it close, inspected me face and announced, "You aren't old until you've got chin hairs. You're not old." I laughed long and hard.
The duality is tough to understand, but I believe that you must know dark to know light. You must know good to understand evil. The earthquake isn't bad- it relieves stress within the earth's layers- maintaining homeostasis.
I am not going to do a lot of thinking tonight. I'm going to drink some wine and sleep in my own bed.
I will check in tomorrow. I missed you.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am home, but exhausted. I had a wonderful time working the conference, but I worked 38 hours in the past 3 days and I'm tired.
I saw some old friends- they were incredibly supportive and loving. My favorite professor, a woman over the age of 80, asked me how I am doing. When I told her that the Tamoxifen makes me feel old she grabbed my face in her hand, pulled it close, inspected me face and announced, "You aren't old until you've got chin hairs. You're not old." I laughed long and hard.
The duality is tough to understand, but I believe that you must know dark to know light. You must know good to understand evil. The earthquake isn't bad- it relieves stress within the earth's layers- maintaining homeostasis.
I am not going to do a lot of thinking tonight. I'm going to drink some wine and sleep in my own bed.
I will check in tomorrow. I missed you.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, October 17, 2014
duality
Thank you for reminding me who I am. Mom said, more than once, "We have no idea where we got you." I never fit the Delana mold well. But I really wonder if there is a mold. I think we are all a bunch of outcasts, sort of wandering, wondering where we belong.
Having our nephew here has been interesting. He is quiet and cooperative and helpful. He can make himself scarce, be very unobtrusive, if he senses that he might be in the way. And he thinks.
Yesterday we were having a discussion of the purpose of our species. I was supporting that the planet would be better without our species. If we disappeared, the Earth would heal, then thrive. He contends that we have purpose - the Earth evolved with us, and we are the shepherds. I think that being the shepherd gives us too much power. I always keep in heart what the Haudenosaunee teach - we are here to be grateful an to maintain the celebrations.
But he has planted a seed in my mind. Why are we here? I believe that there is a loving, conscious force directing the evolution of the planet, solar system, galaxy, universe we can observe...So why are we here.
That has been tying to another train of thought. I saw some recent photographs that included me, and I had the impression that I was not real. I was like one of those cliche animated people from a movie. I'm not sure why...
But I have been thinking about duality We can't have good without bad, light without dark, life without death. Is this true? I was wondering if we could have good without bad. I was thinking about my belief that humans are good and kind and intelligent.
I thought about some loved ones who have passed over to the other side. Their deaths were the moments when I stopped and reflected on the gifts they brought to my life and how much I would miss them. Their deaths gave me pause to consider my life. To questions myself. Am I being authentic? Am I on the right track? Their lives were made more sacred because they died.
Is the same true with good and bad? Do we treasure good more after bad occurs? I started thinking about bad. Bad is an earthquake that destroys homes and maybe kills loved ones. Bad is a miscarriage or an accident that hurts or kills a child. Bad is not suppose to be the ongoing rape of most women, the physical, sexual, psychological abuse that grounds our whole society. This is where we went wrong, and why we are not fit shepherds, or even tenants of the planet...
So I am lost in these thoughts.
I miss you and look forward to seeing you next week.
Love and hugs,
Clare
Having our nephew here has been interesting. He is quiet and cooperative and helpful. He can make himself scarce, be very unobtrusive, if he senses that he might be in the way. And he thinks.
Yesterday we were having a discussion of the purpose of our species. I was supporting that the planet would be better without our species. If we disappeared, the Earth would heal, then thrive. He contends that we have purpose - the Earth evolved with us, and we are the shepherds. I think that being the shepherd gives us too much power. I always keep in heart what the Haudenosaunee teach - we are here to be grateful an to maintain the celebrations.
But he has planted a seed in my mind. Why are we here? I believe that there is a loving, conscious force directing the evolution of the planet, solar system, galaxy, universe we can observe...So why are we here.
That has been tying to another train of thought. I saw some recent photographs that included me, and I had the impression that I was not real. I was like one of those cliche animated people from a movie. I'm not sure why...
But I have been thinking about duality We can't have good without bad, light without dark, life without death. Is this true? I was wondering if we could have good without bad. I was thinking about my belief that humans are good and kind and intelligent.
I thought about some loved ones who have passed over to the other side. Their deaths were the moments when I stopped and reflected on the gifts they brought to my life and how much I would miss them. Their deaths gave me pause to consider my life. To questions myself. Am I being authentic? Am I on the right track? Their lives were made more sacred because they died.
Is the same true with good and bad? Do we treasure good more after bad occurs? I started thinking about bad. Bad is an earthquake that destroys homes and maybe kills loved ones. Bad is a miscarriage or an accident that hurts or kills a child. Bad is not suppose to be the ongoing rape of most women, the physical, sexual, psychological abuse that grounds our whole society. This is where we went wrong, and why we are not fit shepherds, or even tenants of the planet...
So I am lost in these thoughts.
I miss you and look forward to seeing you next week.
Love and hugs,
Clare
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Lessons in archetypes
Clare,
Me too, like everything has a Light and Shadow side.
I want to be like everyone else…
I want to be an individual.
I'm not sure what I want.
You have lived without social comforts for many years.
You have lived isolated for many years.
You have lived your truths for many years.
You have made difficult choices…the road less traveled…for many years.
Your life…from the outside…seems fulfilling.
You answer to yourself…no one else.
You are independent…and yet you are surrounded by your children.
You make conscious choices…
some of which are hard to follow through on…
but you have the tenacity to see them through.
I admire your courage.
I am proud that you are my sister.
I am just finishing Archetypes by Caroline Myss. She goes through the most prominent female archetypes of our time. Of course, Caregiver is one of them. But the light side of caregiver is very positive. Do we really nurture and care for others because we feel unworthy to be cared for? Or, is it an ancient archetype that we happen to be ruled/directed by? I found that I identify strongly with the caregiver, but also the mystic, advocate, and intellect. It was really interesting reading the rebel in light of my youngest's latest escapades.
My youngest is talking with his shadow about giving up illegal substances in his life. I am really pleased that they are having this conversation so early in his walking. I had a conversation with the older son about his friend (I mentioned that previously). He told me that he has tried to find something to accept about this young man, but his actions were so dark that he cannot. He gave me examples and I agree, it is hard to forgive those types of actions. I asked him to consider how dark his life must be to choose those behaviors. I also asked him to reframe his vengeance towards a hope for justice to come from all of this. I cannot remember if I told you, but I interviewed this young man 2 weeks ago at the office. His story made me cry…cruelty, dysfunction, instability, self loathing. It makes me acutely aware that we cannot ever judge anyone's actions because we just never know the circumstances of their lives.
I feel as if I have let go of most of my fear, hatred, and judgements from the past. I feel as if the concept of "Heart of Peace" has really helped me to move forward in this. I am willing to remain open to our family. To live as a member of this family- the crazy Delana clan. I mat never fit in, but at least I will attempt to remain open.
I am at conference for my part-time job the remainder of this week. I will be checking in late in the evening. I am looking forward to seeing some friends from school who are attending and spending time with co-workers. I enjoy this group of people.
The following weekend will be the gathering for the half century birthday. I am planning on bringing you some of the books I've written about. If you think of any in particular that you'd like please mention them. If you have any good ones to share, please bring them. I am so looking forward to seeing you.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Me too, like everything has a Light and Shadow side.
I want to be like everyone else…
I want to be an individual.
I'm not sure what I want.
You have lived without social comforts for many years.
You have lived isolated for many years.
You have lived your truths for many years.
You have made difficult choices…the road less traveled…for many years.
Your life…from the outside…seems fulfilling.
You answer to yourself…no one else.
You are independent…and yet you are surrounded by your children.
You make conscious choices…
some of which are hard to follow through on…
but you have the tenacity to see them through.
I admire your courage.
I am proud that you are my sister.
I am just finishing Archetypes by Caroline Myss. She goes through the most prominent female archetypes of our time. Of course, Caregiver is one of them. But the light side of caregiver is very positive. Do we really nurture and care for others because we feel unworthy to be cared for? Or, is it an ancient archetype that we happen to be ruled/directed by? I found that I identify strongly with the caregiver, but also the mystic, advocate, and intellect. It was really interesting reading the rebel in light of my youngest's latest escapades.
My youngest is talking with his shadow about giving up illegal substances in his life. I am really pleased that they are having this conversation so early in his walking. I had a conversation with the older son about his friend (I mentioned that previously). He told me that he has tried to find something to accept about this young man, but his actions were so dark that he cannot. He gave me examples and I agree, it is hard to forgive those types of actions. I asked him to consider how dark his life must be to choose those behaviors. I also asked him to reframe his vengeance towards a hope for justice to come from all of this. I cannot remember if I told you, but I interviewed this young man 2 weeks ago at the office. His story made me cry…cruelty, dysfunction, instability, self loathing. It makes me acutely aware that we cannot ever judge anyone's actions because we just never know the circumstances of their lives.
I feel as if I have let go of most of my fear, hatred, and judgements from the past. I feel as if the concept of "Heart of Peace" has really helped me to move forward in this. I am willing to remain open to our family. To live as a member of this family- the crazy Delana clan. I mat never fit in, but at least I will attempt to remain open.
I am at conference for my part-time job the remainder of this week. I will be checking in late in the evening. I am looking forward to seeing some friends from school who are attending and spending time with co-workers. I enjoy this group of people.
The following weekend will be the gathering for the half century birthday. I am planning on bringing you some of the books I've written about. If you think of any in particular that you'd like please mention them. If you have any good ones to share, please bring them. I am so looking forward to seeing you.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Me, too!
So last night, after I wrote my last post, I was feeling very emotional. I was thinking about the things I don't do, I can't do. I was thinking about people who get to travel, and I said,"Me, too!I want to travel." And "Me, too! I want to buy new shoes sometimes." And "Me, too! I want to go to the dentist." And...you get the idea of the tirade.
Then I stopped...
"Me, too!!!!" I was suddenly looking at the other side of "Me, too!" In addition to "It happened to me, too - you are not alone." There is "Me, too, I get to share in the joy and healing, the relaxation of not having to worry about the details of life all of the time. The joy of being able to sleep because we are safe...physically, financially, emotionally. Me. too!"
It seemed profound at the moment!
Love and hugs too, from me...
Clare
Then I stopped...
"Me, too!!!!" I was suddenly looking at the other side of "Me, too!" In addition to "It happened to me, too - you are not alone." There is "Me, too, I get to share in the joy and healing, the relaxation of not having to worry about the details of life all of the time. The joy of being able to sleep because we are safe...physically, financially, emotionally. Me. too!"
It seemed profound at the moment!
Love and hugs too, from me...
Clare
Monday, October 13, 2014
waiting
I saw a quote today:
You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.
-Anne Lamott
I was thinking about both of us, our need to help everyone, anyone - the need to put ourselves last, to see ourselves and treat ourselves as less than everyone else in the whole world.
I have read that many caregivers - teachers, nurses, moms, counselors - have this pattern.
Then I was thinking about our secrets. We don't tell them. How does it all tie together?
The only thing I can think of is that those secrets are the seed of why we know, with absolute certainty, that we deserve to be last. Everyone else deserves before we do.
"It's all right...I can wait."
I think I will spend my whole life waiting. I think I have waited my whole life...maybe for someone to see me, recognize me, love me. But I won't look anyone in the heart, and I'm terrified of authentic...but I could just take care of someone...
Didn't know I was going here tonight. But writing this made me teary. That's always a definite sign that I am hitting a true spot.
I have seen the questions a few times...What will you do with your one wild and precious life?
Wait.....
Sending love,
Clare
You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.
-Anne Lamott
I was thinking about both of us, our need to help everyone, anyone - the need to put ourselves last, to see ourselves and treat ourselves as less than everyone else in the whole world.
I have read that many caregivers - teachers, nurses, moms, counselors - have this pattern.
Then I was thinking about our secrets. We don't tell them. How does it all tie together?
The only thing I can think of is that those secrets are the seed of why we know, with absolute certainty, that we deserve to be last. Everyone else deserves before we do.
"It's all right...I can wait."
I think I will spend my whole life waiting. I think I have waited my whole life...maybe for someone to see me, recognize me, love me. But I won't look anyone in the heart, and I'm terrified of authentic...but I could just take care of someone...
Didn't know I was going here tonight. But writing this made me teary. That's always a definite sign that I am hitting a true spot.
I have seen the questions a few times...What will you do with your one wild and precious life?
Wait.....
Sending love,
Clare
Sunday, October 12, 2014
We're all hypocrites
Oh Honey, I understand. I fantasize about winning the lottery and helping everyone. But I hate to ask for or accept help. I would just as soon sit here in my isolation, being just a bit resentful, than ask for anything. Do we do this because we have been raised with the idea of independence? Or is it because we don't feel we are worth it? I know I often feel like a bother. Yet I really appreciate it when anyone notices me. I am so confused/confusing. I don't know how people bear me!
I didn't really know about S#4's birthday party until S#3 called to tell me about it, to say that she was coming to pick me up, she already had a hotel room booked - and she made it easy for me. I still had to think about it. But I didn't have to ask for help. (In fact, I would not have asked. I would have declined the invitation...as I always do.) I really appreciated it. It does bring out a bit of resentment, though...not toward her, but toward this system we are enslaved by. With the hours I work, and the type of job I have, I should be earning enough for little trips like this.
I know I told you that when I got to Oregon, I had two different sneakers. Someone asked me why I just didn't buy another pair. I was dumbfounded by that questions. That's just not the world I live in... So I am grateful when way opens.
It was nice to have S#3 here. She looked so much better when she left. We didn't do anything special. We cooked. We drank one hard cider each as we searched for old pictures of S#4. We went to a pumpkin patch and loaded the back of her car so she would have something special for the kids when she got home.
With your son's acquaintance - give your son time. Many times my first reaction is not the best reaction. I have learned to keep my thoughts to myself. Upon reflection, I find balance, understanding, humane response. Share your thoughts and see what happens.
How is your youngest doing? He's been on my heart a lot lately...
Not much else is new around here.
I'll check back tomorrow. I'm glad you are listening to your body. That is part of the mindfulness we should be cultivating.
Love you, miss you, see you soon...
Clare
I didn't really know about S#4's birthday party until S#3 called to tell me about it, to say that she was coming to pick me up, she already had a hotel room booked - and she made it easy for me. I still had to think about it. But I didn't have to ask for help. (In fact, I would not have asked. I would have declined the invitation...as I always do.) I really appreciated it. It does bring out a bit of resentment, though...not toward her, but toward this system we are enslaved by. With the hours I work, and the type of job I have, I should be earning enough for little trips like this.
I know I told you that when I got to Oregon, I had two different sneakers. Someone asked me why I just didn't buy another pair. I was dumbfounded by that questions. That's just not the world I live in... So I am grateful when way opens.
It was nice to have S#3 here. She looked so much better when she left. We didn't do anything special. We cooked. We drank one hard cider each as we searched for old pictures of S#4. We went to a pumpkin patch and loaded the back of her car so she would have something special for the kids when she got home.
With your son's acquaintance - give your son time. Many times my first reaction is not the best reaction. I have learned to keep my thoughts to myself. Upon reflection, I find balance, understanding, humane response. Share your thoughts and see what happens.
How is your youngest doing? He's been on my heart a lot lately...
Not much else is new around here.
I'll check back tomorrow. I'm glad you are listening to your body. That is part of the mindfulness we should be cultivating.
Love you, miss you, see you soon...
Clare
weekend headache
Clare,
I love the video, and I love the freedom of no secrets.
I spoke with my 90 year old friend?Friend this morning. I was telling her about my trip last weekend. I told her that I just want 2014 to end…it's been too hard. She asked me, "what specifically has been hard?" …
I had to think…
it seemed obvious…
but she really knows me…
and here she is asking that question…
so I said,"having to ask people to help me."
It was the most honest thing I could say.
I love the idea of interdependence…
as long as I can remain independent, self-sufficient, and of service to everyone else.
I'm such a hypocrite…
I need the vulnerability coaches to give me some extra instructions.
I am trying…
I am recognizing my needs…
and I would love to have the courage to share my secrets!
(even if sharing secrets has gotten me ostracized and scorned by family)
I have had a headache all weekend…
it was especially bad yesterday with the all-day rain.
I took a walk in the late afternoon, once the rain stopped, it felt good to move, but I still hurt.
Today I have less pain.
That is good.
I was raking leaves and felt a pain like angina…
it was in my lumps…
I realized that when I overwork my shoulders and arms I must be overtaxing the blood supply and it causes angina of the pectoralis muscles. It was very strange…
but I listened to my body…
took a break…
and am feeling better.
I had an interesting dilemma recently.
One of my son's friends came to my office for therapy.
I explained who I was, how I knew him previously…
he hid my son several times at his house and introduced him to hard drugs…
I asked him to consider whether he was comfortable with me…
and I proceeded to do the initial intake.
I spoke with colleagues about this and decided that I should not be the therapist to work with him.
He didn't shoe for his visit this week,
and the newspaper says he's been arrested on felony charges.
My son doesn't know about the office connection,
but he told me about the arrest.
He was happy that his former friend was arrested. It bothers me that he is unable to see that this is a kid with a tough past, who made poor choices, and is now, at age 18 going to jail. He was upset with the kid because he was introducing middle school students to meth. He wanted to seek vengeance against this kid for screwing up the lives of young kids. But, I hoped that, after Anasazi, he would see that it is the choices that are bad. I will write to him about this I guess.
I appreciate your thoughts on rote life.
I frequently work with people on their habits because over 90% of what we do is habitual- rote.
People stop thinking and spend most of their time on autopilot…
unfortunately reinforcing reactive, negative behaviors that make them feel as though they are necessary for survival. The process of thought- ruminating about events that have happened- reinforces the behavior and outcome (I survived) and we will continue to run that circuit whenever similar triggers occur.
The answer is mindfulness. Actually thinking about what we are doing, tasting, hearing, seeing, touching, smelling, intuitively sensing…
Allowing ourselves to sense, process and respond…
that's the key.
I hope that you and S#3 are having a good visit. I will call her next week to see how she is doing.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I love the video, and I love the freedom of no secrets.
I spoke with my 90 year old friend?Friend this morning. I was telling her about my trip last weekend. I told her that I just want 2014 to end…it's been too hard. She asked me, "what specifically has been hard?" …
I had to think…
it seemed obvious…
but she really knows me…
and here she is asking that question…
so I said,"having to ask people to help me."
It was the most honest thing I could say.
I love the idea of interdependence…
as long as I can remain independent, self-sufficient, and of service to everyone else.
I'm such a hypocrite…
I need the vulnerability coaches to give me some extra instructions.
I am trying…
I am recognizing my needs…
and I would love to have the courage to share my secrets!
(even if sharing secrets has gotten me ostracized and scorned by family)
I have had a headache all weekend…
it was especially bad yesterday with the all-day rain.
I took a walk in the late afternoon, once the rain stopped, it felt good to move, but I still hurt.
Today I have less pain.
That is good.
I was raking leaves and felt a pain like angina…
it was in my lumps…
I realized that when I overwork my shoulders and arms I must be overtaxing the blood supply and it causes angina of the pectoralis muscles. It was very strange…
but I listened to my body…
took a break…
and am feeling better.
I had an interesting dilemma recently.
One of my son's friends came to my office for therapy.
I explained who I was, how I knew him previously…
he hid my son several times at his house and introduced him to hard drugs…
I asked him to consider whether he was comfortable with me…
and I proceeded to do the initial intake.
I spoke with colleagues about this and decided that I should not be the therapist to work with him.
He didn't shoe for his visit this week,
and the newspaper says he's been arrested on felony charges.
My son doesn't know about the office connection,
but he told me about the arrest.
He was happy that his former friend was arrested. It bothers me that he is unable to see that this is a kid with a tough past, who made poor choices, and is now, at age 18 going to jail. He was upset with the kid because he was introducing middle school students to meth. He wanted to seek vengeance against this kid for screwing up the lives of young kids. But, I hoped that, after Anasazi, he would see that it is the choices that are bad. I will write to him about this I guess.
I appreciate your thoughts on rote life.
I frequently work with people on their habits because over 90% of what we do is habitual- rote.
People stop thinking and spend most of their time on autopilot…
unfortunately reinforcing reactive, negative behaviors that make them feel as though they are necessary for survival. The process of thought- ruminating about events that have happened- reinforces the behavior and outcome (I survived) and we will continue to run that circuit whenever similar triggers occur.
The answer is mindfulness. Actually thinking about what we are doing, tasting, hearing, seeing, touching, smelling, intuitively sensing…
Allowing ourselves to sense, process and respond…
that's the key.
I hope that you and S#3 are having a good visit. I will call her next week to see how she is doing.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, October 11, 2014
listen to this!!
Maggie!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqqqV50zaAc
My youngest loves this artist. She found this video and insisted I watch it.
Please watch it...Me, too!!!
-Clare
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqqqV50zaAc
My youngest loves this artist. She found this video and insisted I watch it.
Please watch it...Me, too!!!
-Clare
rote life
Hi Maggie,
Just checking in quick, because I probably won't have time again until tomorrow evening...
The comment about falling without bruising tied to the dream. Nothing bad happened. It made me feel protected.
We went to a wedding last night that didn't seem very joyful. It just seemed rote. It was like everyone was going through the motions because this is the way it's 'sposed to be. I thought a lot about weddings and what they mean. What is actually valid and authentic? Most of what we do seems to miss the boat. I was wondering if marriage was truly valid.
I was also wondering what of our lives is simply rote. What do we do because this is the way we do it? How much is left over and is true?
S#3 called a few hours ago and said she felt herself turning into Dad. She had been with her grandkids for five days and was losing it. She asked what I was doing and asked if she could please come visit. I love the fact that she sees my home as sanctuary. And her company will be nice.
Hope you are hving a sweet weekend...
Love and hugs...
Clare
Just checking in quick, because I probably won't have time again until tomorrow evening...
The comment about falling without bruising tied to the dream. Nothing bad happened. It made me feel protected.
We went to a wedding last night that didn't seem very joyful. It just seemed rote. It was like everyone was going through the motions because this is the way it's 'sposed to be. I thought a lot about weddings and what they mean. What is actually valid and authentic? Most of what we do seems to miss the boat. I was wondering if marriage was truly valid.
I was also wondering what of our lives is simply rote. What do we do because this is the way we do it? How much is left over and is true?
S#3 called a few hours ago and said she felt herself turning into Dad. She had been with her grandkids for five days and was losing it. She asked what I was doing and asked if she could please come visit. I love the fact that she sees my home as sanctuary. And her company will be nice.
Hope you are hving a sweet weekend...
Love and hugs...
Clare
Friday, October 10, 2014
who has a voice?
The amazing thing is that I really am not bruised. The slam to the ground jarred me, but then - nothing. It was weird, and I am grateful. But thank you for your concern.
When my kids were young, and they were off - they were interpreting things in a way I thought needed a bit of perspective - I would make up a song. Once my youngest was feeling real sorry for herself. I started singing, "Everyone's mean to (fill in youngest daughter's name here), everyone is so mean to me..." Then I sang the list of terrible things her siblings did to her. Most of my kids would see the humor, and laugh at themselves, but not my baby. She got into it, with great righteous indignation. Almost immediately I knew I was on the wrong track with this one. So I stopped. She asked to sing it a few more times, and I gave her an abbreviated version...but she loved playing victim. Maybe it is a function of being youngest.
It sounds as if your youngest is at the same starting point. Everyone is mean to him, and he's just the victim. I look forward to hearing the evolution the seven weeks leads him through.
My youngest can still be a little more aware of what hits her than of what she flings. Maybe it comes from the violent family game of pass it down the line. The youngest always ends up with whatever it is. There is no one to pawn the crap off onto. Maybe that's why we fear vulnerability...feels like being the weakest link.
Often the youngest has no voice. They find other ways to be heard!
I parented like you did. I was on them to be nice, to be respectful, to make sure everyone felt safe and cherished. In my presence they were pretty sweet and cooperative...usually. But now that they are adults, some of the stories of what they did to each other when alone are emerging and there was a strain of vicious, or hierarchy. I was so sad when I started hearing this. I thought I did a better job. But it goes back to life in a violent society. How can we avoid violence when we can't even recognize or identify it?
I have been on edge lately - waiting for something bad to happen. I hope I am just being a worry-wort.
I am uncomfortable at big parties also.But we'll have each other, and we will be the keeper of the old stories, always appropriate for birthday parties!
Tired, must sleep.
Love and hugs and smiles
Clare
When my kids were young, and they were off - they were interpreting things in a way I thought needed a bit of perspective - I would make up a song. Once my youngest was feeling real sorry for herself. I started singing, "Everyone's mean to (fill in youngest daughter's name here), everyone is so mean to me..." Then I sang the list of terrible things her siblings did to her. Most of my kids would see the humor, and laugh at themselves, but not my baby. She got into it, with great righteous indignation. Almost immediately I knew I was on the wrong track with this one. So I stopped. She asked to sing it a few more times, and I gave her an abbreviated version...but she loved playing victim. Maybe it is a function of being youngest.
It sounds as if your youngest is at the same starting point. Everyone is mean to him, and he's just the victim. I look forward to hearing the evolution the seven weeks leads him through.
My youngest can still be a little more aware of what hits her than of what she flings. Maybe it comes from the violent family game of pass it down the line. The youngest always ends up with whatever it is. There is no one to pawn the crap off onto. Maybe that's why we fear vulnerability...feels like being the weakest link.
Often the youngest has no voice. They find other ways to be heard!
I parented like you did. I was on them to be nice, to be respectful, to make sure everyone felt safe and cherished. In my presence they were pretty sweet and cooperative...usually. But now that they are adults, some of the stories of what they did to each other when alone are emerging and there was a strain of vicious, or hierarchy. I was so sad when I started hearing this. I thought I did a better job. But it goes back to life in a violent society. How can we avoid violence when we can't even recognize or identify it?
I have been on edge lately - waiting for something bad to happen. I hope I am just being a worry-wort.
I am uncomfortable at big parties also.But we'll have each other, and we will be the keeper of the old stories, always appropriate for birthday parties!
Tired, must sleep.
Love and hugs and smiles
Clare
Letters
Clare,
I hope that you are not too bruised from your fall. I fell on a mountain in Arizona during my hike in August. I bruised my hip and then found it even more uncomfortable to lay on the hard ground to sleep. I hope that you are able to rest and recover.
I am excited to see you at the birthday celebration. I was really excited that all 5 sisters would be there, and then I heard its a larger celebration, and I am subdued. I hate large parties. I'm just saying that out loud- now I will be at peace.
We got letters from my youngest last night. I wrote to him, using the lyrics from one of my songs- The Quilt- which he asks me to sing every once in a while. He used to ask for it nightly. I asked him to consider the blocks he's adding to his quilt for the 49 days. He told me I'm too deep- no surprise there. Anyway, he blasted his sisters for their cruelty towards them. He told them that he was "cutting them off" and if they wanted to have a relationship it was "up to them". My oldest called me immediately after reading it, confused and offended. She doesn't see things the way he does. I've asked both daughters to carefully consider the invitation in that sentence. He offered an open invitation to them to respond and create a dialogue. It is sad that there is so much hurt in our world. I have always thought that we had a loving household. I never let my kids hurt each other physically. I stopped conversations when they became disrespectful. I thought that I had avoided these hurts for my kids. I didn't want them to carry memories of hurt at each other's hands into adulthood. And yet we are wrangling with it, despite my best efforts.
One concept that is becoming incredibly clear to me through Anasazi is that all of my best efforts to avoid pain and suffering did not work. I'm not saying that I regret protecting my kids, but my neurotic, overprotection has only swung the pendulum to the other extreme and not allowed them to develop tolerance to the stress of life.
Your line about Dad and my souls truly trusting each other to agree to such difficult lessons really has me dumbfounded. I would have never seen that aspect of it. Thank you for that insight. I got a response from Mom, for an email that I wrote explaining that I am realizing that by avoiding family, I've given my kids permission to avoid us. She actually responded in a very supportive way- I was pleasantly surprised.
Got to run to work,
Love and Light,
Maggie
I hope that you are not too bruised from your fall. I fell on a mountain in Arizona during my hike in August. I bruised my hip and then found it even more uncomfortable to lay on the hard ground to sleep. I hope that you are able to rest and recover.
I am excited to see you at the birthday celebration. I was really excited that all 5 sisters would be there, and then I heard its a larger celebration, and I am subdued. I hate large parties. I'm just saying that out loud- now I will be at peace.
We got letters from my youngest last night. I wrote to him, using the lyrics from one of my songs- The Quilt- which he asks me to sing every once in a while. He used to ask for it nightly. I asked him to consider the blocks he's adding to his quilt for the 49 days. He told me I'm too deep- no surprise there. Anyway, he blasted his sisters for their cruelty towards them. He told them that he was "cutting them off" and if they wanted to have a relationship it was "up to them". My oldest called me immediately after reading it, confused and offended. She doesn't see things the way he does. I've asked both daughters to carefully consider the invitation in that sentence. He offered an open invitation to them to respond and create a dialogue. It is sad that there is so much hurt in our world. I have always thought that we had a loving household. I never let my kids hurt each other physically. I stopped conversations when they became disrespectful. I thought that I had avoided these hurts for my kids. I didn't want them to carry memories of hurt at each other's hands into adulthood. And yet we are wrangling with it, despite my best efforts.
One concept that is becoming incredibly clear to me through Anasazi is that all of my best efforts to avoid pain and suffering did not work. I'm not saying that I regret protecting my kids, but my neurotic, overprotection has only swung the pendulum to the other extreme and not allowed them to develop tolerance to the stress of life.
Your line about Dad and my souls truly trusting each other to agree to such difficult lessons really has me dumbfounded. I would have never seen that aspect of it. Thank you for that insight. I got a response from Mom, for an email that I wrote explaining that I am realizing that by avoiding family, I've given my kids permission to avoid us. She actually responded in a very supportive way- I was pleasantly surprised.
Got to run to work,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, October 9, 2014
thump
Hello Maggie,
Sorry I didn't respond yesterday. I had unexpected company. My older neighbor, whom you met, brought some pumpkins from her garden for my grandkids. Then she stayed and talked for awhile. She has a hard lump on her thyroid. She went in for an ultrasound. They didn't tell her the results, but instead they referred her to a larger hospital.
I understand why you and your daughter are so upset. But knowledge is power. You gave her knowledge. That is the gift.
I thought a lot about Dad standing guard outside a door, blocking way. One strange thought that came is that you two must absolutely trust each other to be willing to take on these horrible roles for each other, to allow the other to experience and learn.
But there's also the aspect that when we experience and act out agony, when we pass the pain on to others, we are ashamed. We would rather pretend it never happened. If no one knows - it's not real, right? That's why it's all about you, or more precisely, it's all about appearances. We look good, so the filth and gore is hidden deep...people will accept that we are good...
Classic thought/behavior patterns from anyone who survived an alcoholic home...alcoholic with all additional abuses that go with living with someone who is addictive and out of control.
I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was organizing a contradance, like I do in the waking world, but I forgot to do anything. I didn't make arrangements to get the key to open the hall, I didn't prepare any refreshments, I didn't give the band any last minute reminders, I didn't advertise. I forgot where to get the key, went to the hall and it was already opened. Someone pulled frozen refreshments from a previous dance out of the freezer and began preparing them, people began arriving before we even started...it was like everything was going right, even though I didn't so what I was supposed to do. When I woke up I was upset, because I had forgotten so much. Then I realized everything was going exactly the way it should, and I decided to take that as a good omen.
One last note - the other morning I ran outside to catch a glimpse of the eclipse. I slipped in some mud and slammed down on my right side. It really thumped me, but I am fine. I was wondering if that was an omen...
Love and hugs and see you at S#4's party...
Clare
Sorry I didn't respond yesterday. I had unexpected company. My older neighbor, whom you met, brought some pumpkins from her garden for my grandkids. Then she stayed and talked for awhile. She has a hard lump on her thyroid. She went in for an ultrasound. They didn't tell her the results, but instead they referred her to a larger hospital.
I understand why you and your daughter are so upset. But knowledge is power. You gave her knowledge. That is the gift.
I thought a lot about Dad standing guard outside a door, blocking way. One strange thought that came is that you two must absolutely trust each other to be willing to take on these horrible roles for each other, to allow the other to experience and learn.
But there's also the aspect that when we experience and act out agony, when we pass the pain on to others, we are ashamed. We would rather pretend it never happened. If no one knows - it's not real, right? That's why it's all about you, or more precisely, it's all about appearances. We look good, so the filth and gore is hidden deep...people will accept that we are good...
Classic thought/behavior patterns from anyone who survived an alcoholic home...alcoholic with all additional abuses that go with living with someone who is addictive and out of control.
I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was organizing a contradance, like I do in the waking world, but I forgot to do anything. I didn't make arrangements to get the key to open the hall, I didn't prepare any refreshments, I didn't give the band any last minute reminders, I didn't advertise. I forgot where to get the key, went to the hall and it was already opened. Someone pulled frozen refreshments from a previous dance out of the freezer and began preparing them, people began arriving before we even started...it was like everything was going right, even though I didn't so what I was supposed to do. When I woke up I was upset, because I had forgotten so much. Then I realized everything was going exactly the way it should, and I decided to take that as a good omen.
One last note - the other morning I ran outside to catch a glimpse of the eclipse. I slipped in some mud and slammed down on my right side. It really thumped me, but I am fine. I was wondering if that was an omen...
Love and hugs and see you at S#4's party...
Clare
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
In the end, it's always about me
Clare,
Yes, your heart has stored all of those memories. When I first saw my Reiki healer she told me that my heart chakra was a series of doors that all slammed shut and locked when she tried to enter. She has to pry the doors open, one by one. After almost a year of Reiki, she is still opening those doors. The confusing thing is that Dad was standing guard outside the first door. It was his spirit from a previously shared life, but it was still him. Why would he, who has hurt me through several lives together be standing guard? Is he afraid on my being hurt from things coming from the outside? Is he afraid the secrets will escape if he's not there? I am not sure of the answer, but the second resonates with me more.
I'm not a good secret keeper…
I've told my story…
people know my shame…
and they still love and accept me…
and so, shame is no more.
I am reminded of a book by St Theresa of Avila about the Castles- rooms that make up her soul and her progression from one to another along the spiritual journey. Carolyn Myss has written Entering the Castle to make it more accessible. If I get to S#4's birthday I will bring you the books. They would be a good tool for you to explore this.
I got a note from Arizona this morning, my son completed the orientation portion of his journey, has joined the band of boys, received a trail name, and remarked "This has been the best week of my life!"
What an amazing spirit. I pray that he gather the lessons that the still small voice in his heart and mother nature have to teach him. I cannot imaging the force for good that he will become if he learns to channel all of that energy for positive things. I wrote a letter to my older son about continuing to live in the Anasazi way now that he's returned to the "matrix". He is tired and sick right now. But, he's eating Dunkin and McDonalds, not sleeping enough, not exercising. I gently pointed out that sugar, fat, caffeine and salt are incredible addictive and that exercise, water and sleep are life giving. There is a ceremony called a blanket stepping at Anasazi. You have an old and new blanket. Standing on the old blanket you lay down anything you want to move away from. It can be physical- like sugar- or spiritual/emotional- like my need to protect my family from consequences so that the family is not brought under scrutiny and shamed. Once you've laid those things down you step to the new blanket and declare the tools you will pick up to help you to successfully walk forward. I am committed to no sugar while my youngest is in Arizona- that's what I left behind on the old blanket. I also left behind my need to protect- because, in reality, it was never about them- it was about my image. I picked up courage to be visible despite the drug issues that are prevalent in my life right now. I guess I'm opening myself to vulnerability.
Love and Light sister,
Maggie
Yes, your heart has stored all of those memories. When I first saw my Reiki healer she told me that my heart chakra was a series of doors that all slammed shut and locked when she tried to enter. She has to pry the doors open, one by one. After almost a year of Reiki, she is still opening those doors. The confusing thing is that Dad was standing guard outside the first door. It was his spirit from a previously shared life, but it was still him. Why would he, who has hurt me through several lives together be standing guard? Is he afraid on my being hurt from things coming from the outside? Is he afraid the secrets will escape if he's not there? I am not sure of the answer, but the second resonates with me more.
I'm not a good secret keeper…
I've told my story…
people know my shame…
and they still love and accept me…
and so, shame is no more.
I am reminded of a book by St Theresa of Avila about the Castles- rooms that make up her soul and her progression from one to another along the spiritual journey. Carolyn Myss has written Entering the Castle to make it more accessible. If I get to S#4's birthday I will bring you the books. They would be a good tool for you to explore this.
I got a note from Arizona this morning, my son completed the orientation portion of his journey, has joined the band of boys, received a trail name, and remarked "This has been the best week of my life!"
What an amazing spirit. I pray that he gather the lessons that the still small voice in his heart and mother nature have to teach him. I cannot imaging the force for good that he will become if he learns to channel all of that energy for positive things. I wrote a letter to my older son about continuing to live in the Anasazi way now that he's returned to the "matrix". He is tired and sick right now. But, he's eating Dunkin and McDonalds, not sleeping enough, not exercising. I gently pointed out that sugar, fat, caffeine and salt are incredible addictive and that exercise, water and sleep are life giving. There is a ceremony called a blanket stepping at Anasazi. You have an old and new blanket. Standing on the old blanket you lay down anything you want to move away from. It can be physical- like sugar- or spiritual/emotional- like my need to protect my family from consequences so that the family is not brought under scrutiny and shamed. Once you've laid those things down you step to the new blanket and declare the tools you will pick up to help you to successfully walk forward. I am committed to no sugar while my youngest is in Arizona- that's what I left behind on the old blanket. I also left behind my need to protect- because, in reality, it was never about them- it was about my image. I picked up courage to be visible despite the drug issues that are prevalent in my life right now. I guess I'm opening myself to vulnerability.
Love and Light sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
cleaning heart
"that place you don't even think of
cleaning out. That closet stuffed with savage mementos."
-Louise Erdrich, describing the heart in Advice to Myself
Every once in awhile a quote grabs me and won't let me go. This one has been with me all day. I keep saying that I think we are getting ready to move into our heart chakras, to live in faith, to trust the flow. But I never thought about cleaning it out, like cleaning house.
Is my heart the place where I have stored all the unkind words I have heard and I have said? Is this the place I treasure the pain that I have caused, refusing to release it and forgive myself - even though the recipients of my unkindness have forgiven and moved on. I set here, fondling the sore spots, picking, picking, picking - refusing to let myself heal.
I still think I am bad. I still have the voice in my head. But maybe it is really in my heart.
So how do I clean out my heart? Tonight I will try to visualize my heart as a room, and see what I have stored here. I will rearrange a little bit and see what is hidden behind furniture, shoved in a closet or under the chair.
Tomorrow is another eclipse. I feel excited foreboding. Eclipses always bring a revelation, a gift...another step. Usually, it is not comfortable.
I'm exhausted. Tomorrow!
Love and hugs and such,
Clare
Monday, October 6, 2014
socialized
Hello!
I'm glad you made it home safe and sound. I was also wondering if your youngest had even an inkling about what is about to hit him. I have had so many arrogant moments where I thought I knew what was happening. I have found that the Creator uses those moments to teach...to TEACH. I hope your son opens his heart and learns.
When you talked about the balance between isolation and exposure - it's not only for the kids, but also for the caretaking parent...
I don't understand this need, this push, to socialize kids. I heard it the whole time I was homeschooling - what about their socialization??? That was their dad's major stated objection to taking them out of the school. Institutionally socialized kids are obedient. They ask permission to go to the bathroom. They are not allowed to take care of their bodily needs without permission. They only socialize with kids their own ages. Adults are so busy, they don't intervene as long as kids are quiet. I was appalled by what I saw in the public schools when I subbed. The kids are vicious with the way they speak to each other. And the adults are so inured, it sounds normal.
My kids learned to interact with people of all ages. Homeschooled kids are simply not age bigots. Isolating a child with same-aged peers is not human or humane socialization. Play groups are great, but over 40 hours a week in a day care, in the institution is not healthy for the toddler psyche.
It breaks my heart...all the kids who are forced to go, all the parents who feel they have no choice...What are we losing as we hand our children to the institutions at such an early age?...that might be the most important question of all.
When I told S#3 you were in Arizona again, it was factual, followed by sympathy. But as I told her, I realized I did not have your permission to share this with the family.
Baby's crying...back tomorrow!!
Love from Clare
I'm glad you made it home safe and sound. I was also wondering if your youngest had even an inkling about what is about to hit him. I have had so many arrogant moments where I thought I knew what was happening. I have found that the Creator uses those moments to teach...to TEACH. I hope your son opens his heart and learns.
When you talked about the balance between isolation and exposure - it's not only for the kids, but also for the caretaking parent...
I don't understand this need, this push, to socialize kids. I heard it the whole time I was homeschooling - what about their socialization??? That was their dad's major stated objection to taking them out of the school. Institutionally socialized kids are obedient. They ask permission to go to the bathroom. They are not allowed to take care of their bodily needs without permission. They only socialize with kids their own ages. Adults are so busy, they don't intervene as long as kids are quiet. I was appalled by what I saw in the public schools when I subbed. The kids are vicious with the way they speak to each other. And the adults are so inured, it sounds normal.
My kids learned to interact with people of all ages. Homeschooled kids are simply not age bigots. Isolating a child with same-aged peers is not human or humane socialization. Play groups are great, but over 40 hours a week in a day care, in the institution is not healthy for the toddler psyche.
It breaks my heart...all the kids who are forced to go, all the parents who feel they have no choice...What are we losing as we hand our children to the institutions at such an early age?...that might be the most important question of all.
When I told S#3 you were in Arizona again, it was factual, followed by sympathy. But as I told her, I realized I did not have your permission to share this with the family.
Baby's crying...back tomorrow!!
Love from Clare
I'm back
Clare,
I'm back, minus one son for 7 weeks. I miss him, but not the chaos. I am going to keep this quick because I have to leave for a vet appointment in 5 minutes, but I wanted to acknowledge your presence and thank you for it.
No, you weren't gossiping, unless you were being mean spirited with your words. I cannot imagine you or S#3 being anything but empathetic, as you've both struggled through teen years. I appreciate the surrounding me with love attitude that you both have. I am still so unclear about what happened and why my son has been called to the southwest…but the universe has a plan and I have delivered him. His shadow and the founder of the program both met my son and then later commented to me that he believes he is there on a vacation- he has no idea what's about to happen to him. I understand completely, because our first time through I had no idea how profoundly life changing it would be…and I am grateful.
Last night we wrote a Seeds of Greatness letter to our son. It was so much fun to replace the hurt of the past weeks with memories that made us laugh and appreciate his spirit. It's a wonderful exercise to begin the process.
What do we do to these kids by socializing them so early? It is a question that should be looked at. There is a fine balance between isolation, enough and exposed to the world.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I'm back, minus one son for 7 weeks. I miss him, but not the chaos. I am going to keep this quick because I have to leave for a vet appointment in 5 minutes, but I wanted to acknowledge your presence and thank you for it.
No, you weren't gossiping, unless you were being mean spirited with your words. I cannot imagine you or S#3 being anything but empathetic, as you've both struggled through teen years. I appreciate the surrounding me with love attitude that you both have. I am still so unclear about what happened and why my son has been called to the southwest…but the universe has a plan and I have delivered him. His shadow and the founder of the program both met my son and then later commented to me that he believes he is there on a vacation- he has no idea what's about to happen to him. I understand completely, because our first time through I had no idea how profoundly life changing it would be…and I am grateful.
Last night we wrote a Seeds of Greatness letter to our son. It was so much fun to replace the hurt of the past weeks with memories that made us laugh and appreciate his spirit. It's a wonderful exercise to begin the process.
What do we do to these kids by socializing them so early? It is a question that should be looked at. There is a fine balance between isolation, enough and exposed to the world.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, October 5, 2014
it begins now
We had a family birthday brunch. My middle child is now 30. Thirty is so young, but being the mother of a 30-year-old - that doesn't feel so young.
Everyone was here for a few hours, except my oldest son and my youngest daughter - who had to work. My youngest son seemed a little depressed. He was complaining about all the holidays that are about to hit, and commenting that he hates it. I know I often just survive the holidays. I wonder if my attitude has wrecked the holidays for them, or if the holidays are inherently full of suffering...
My middle child hates being the center of attention, but he survived in good spirits today.
I have begun the tradition of giving them their baby books on the 30th birthdays. But another part of my gift was to have the kids overnight, so he could sleep in. I also had the babe. As I was trying to get the two older kids down, the baby woke up and started crying. I went to soothe her back to sleep, and I could hear the other two tussling. Then I heard a crack and a scream. My little boy fell off the sleeper sofa and banged his head on the concrete floor. So I grabbed the baby and ran,put her on the couch with her cousin,while I checked the boy, who was howling. Just like the good old days, minus two kids. These moments give my nostalgia a reality check.
The sibs were really fighting a lot this weekend. This is new. It is unusual. I noticed my grandson is more aggressive. He was in a day care that turned out to be less than great last year. There was another child, I think maybe with Asperger's, who was aggressive toward my grandson, and as far as I can tell, no one defended him. Now he's in a new day care. He didn't say much about it.
My heart goes out to these little people who get put in places that don;t suit them, where they are not happy, and they get no say. But my boy was grabbing things from his sister, from his cousin. He elbowed his sister to get something before she could. I have never seen this before, And I wonder wo is doing it to him.
I worry. I will wait for my time alone with him, and pray for wisdom. I know the damage and the behavior we may see when he is a teen starts now...And so, I pray for wisdom. And may I be vulnerable and present with him.
Hope all is going well in the wild west.
I send love...
Clare
Everyone was here for a few hours, except my oldest son and my youngest daughter - who had to work. My youngest son seemed a little depressed. He was complaining about all the holidays that are about to hit, and commenting that he hates it. I know I often just survive the holidays. I wonder if my attitude has wrecked the holidays for them, or if the holidays are inherently full of suffering...
My middle child hates being the center of attention, but he survived in good spirits today.
I have begun the tradition of giving them their baby books on the 30th birthdays. But another part of my gift was to have the kids overnight, so he could sleep in. I also had the babe. As I was trying to get the two older kids down, the baby woke up and started crying. I went to soothe her back to sleep, and I could hear the other two tussling. Then I heard a crack and a scream. My little boy fell off the sleeper sofa and banged his head on the concrete floor. So I grabbed the baby and ran,put her on the couch with her cousin,while I checked the boy, who was howling. Just like the good old days, minus two kids. These moments give my nostalgia a reality check.
The sibs were really fighting a lot this weekend. This is new. It is unusual. I noticed my grandson is more aggressive. He was in a day care that turned out to be less than great last year. There was another child, I think maybe with Asperger's, who was aggressive toward my grandson, and as far as I can tell, no one defended him. Now he's in a new day care. He didn't say much about it.
My heart goes out to these little people who get put in places that don;t suit them, where they are not happy, and they get no say. But my boy was grabbing things from his sister, from his cousin. He elbowed his sister to get something before she could. I have never seen this before, And I wonder wo is doing it to him.
I worry. I will wait for my time alone with him, and pray for wisdom. I know the damage and the behavior we may see when he is a teen starts now...And so, I pray for wisdom. And may I be vulnerable and present with him.
Hope all is going well in the wild west.
I send love...
Clare
Thursday, October 2, 2014
gossip?
I talked to S#3 for awhile today, and she mentioned that she was going to call you tonight. I told her you were on your way to Arizona. I filled her in on what is going on with your youngest. Then I wondered if I was gossiping. I try really hard not to gossip, and it didn't feel like gossip. I hope you don't mind.
Just a thought - Do you perhaps feel like family is disposable, because you were treated as if you were disposable as a child? You were abuse and tormented, ignored, not protected or listened to. None of us seemed to have much value to the family. Is that why we walk away with a sigh of relief and come back as infrequently as possible? How can we learn connection and attachment when we spend our childhood wondering if we have any value whatsoever. And if we have no idea what it means to be attached, how can we model this for our children.
I know I had a bad attitude toward my in-laws. I tried to see them as little as possible- family pattern, and one that I shared with my ex. I felt judged, and like the judgement was not in my favor. I was tolerated, because it would not have been nice to treat me like they wish they could. I know I'm being a tad dramatic, and that we all came to a place of truly loving each other - but in the beginning it triggered my family-trained defenses.
Your kids, my kids,the cousins also treat our family the way they do because B#1 was downright nasty. All of the kids knew he did not like them and did not want to deal with them. And they didn't call Dad Grumpy for nothing. He earned that name fair and square with his behavior toward us all. So don't take this all on yourself. You were/are just part of a bigger pattern.
My high school self was just trying to quietly hide, survive the process and get the hell out of Dodge!
So - family gatherings...are you going to be at S#4's birthday party? She told her daughters that there had not better be any old pictures of her...So S#3 and I were talking about getting one - because I have lots of old family pictures - and maybe Warholing it. Besides, the pictures we take now are old pictures, the pictures from way back when are young pictures. And, we'll be in public - she won't hit us!
Travel safely, my sister,
With love from Clare
Just a thought - Do you perhaps feel like family is disposable, because you were treated as if you were disposable as a child? You were abuse and tormented, ignored, not protected or listened to. None of us seemed to have much value to the family. Is that why we walk away with a sigh of relief and come back as infrequently as possible? How can we learn connection and attachment when we spend our childhood wondering if we have any value whatsoever. And if we have no idea what it means to be attached, how can we model this for our children.
I know I had a bad attitude toward my in-laws. I tried to see them as little as possible- family pattern, and one that I shared with my ex. I felt judged, and like the judgement was not in my favor. I was tolerated, because it would not have been nice to treat me like they wish they could. I know I'm being a tad dramatic, and that we all came to a place of truly loving each other - but in the beginning it triggered my family-trained defenses.
Your kids, my kids,the cousins also treat our family the way they do because B#1 was downright nasty. All of the kids knew he did not like them and did not want to deal with them. And they didn't call Dad Grumpy for nothing. He earned that name fair and square with his behavior toward us all. So don't take this all on yourself. You were/are just part of a bigger pattern.
My high school self was just trying to quietly hide, survive the process and get the hell out of Dodge!
So - family gatherings...are you going to be at S#4's birthday party? She told her daughters that there had not better be any old pictures of her...So S#3 and I were talking about getting one - because I have lots of old family pictures - and maybe Warholing it. Besides, the pictures we take now are old pictures, the pictures from way back when are young pictures. And, we'll be in public - she won't hit us!
Travel safely, my sister,
With love from Clare
We're off...
Clare,
I am getting ready to leave, but am waiting for husband to arrive home. We will be on the road soon after.
I saw clients today…
each one reminding me that I am not alone in my struggles…
nor in my responses to those struggles.
I am grateful for the opportunity to continue to re-evaluate my parenting and relationship with this child. I do feel that much will be excavated on both sides. I think that my high school self was trying to be so perfect, that it's hard for her to understand breaking the rules- intentional defiance.
Husband is home.
We are off again.
I wrote a brief email last night to the parents. Explaining that I had come to understand that my kids feel as if family is disposable because that is how I've taught them by example. I pick and choose, and bitch when there's a family function…no wonder they act the same way towards our family.
I like the image of the wheel- an intact circle. Thanks.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am getting ready to leave, but am waiting for husband to arrive home. We will be on the road soon after.
I saw clients today…
each one reminding me that I am not alone in my struggles…
nor in my responses to those struggles.
I am grateful for the opportunity to continue to re-evaluate my parenting and relationship with this child. I do feel that much will be excavated on both sides. I think that my high school self was trying to be so perfect, that it's hard for her to understand breaking the rules- intentional defiance.
Husband is home.
We are off again.
I wrote a brief email last night to the parents. Explaining that I had come to understand that my kids feel as if family is disposable because that is how I've taught them by example. I pick and choose, and bitch when there's a family function…no wonder they act the same way towards our family.
I like the image of the wheel- an intact circle. Thanks.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
different lessons
Hi Mags,
I think you will learn something new this time.You are a different mother with this child. This mother-son bond has different lessons. The lessons are just muddied when we have four extra people dancing in the swamp...and we have relationships with each. Maybe that's part of the lesson of being in a really big family.
I think maybe you are also exploring a relationship between parts of yourself. You had to hide so much of you, maybe your sons are pulling these parts out of hiding and introducing them to you, making you more whole, more complete. Do you think your teenage self, at the same age as each of these young men, resounds with them? Is that part of you emerging maybe? Or maybe the mom part we missed...just thoughts.
Is dealing with boy-problems helping you connect with your husband? Is he connecting with your sons? I see a circle, or maybe a web. Sometimes at night I see my family as a circle, with each of my children as a cog. And sometimes when I hold you and yours in the Light, I see you all as another wheel with cogs, and I see us propelling each other, yet moving together.
I found a photo of the two of us together. I was 18, you were13. We were holding a cat - do you remember Scamper? I sat and studies us for quite a while....
I think you do have a valid leading to talk to Dad, but I think way will open when it is time. You have to trust, but stay aware of the opening. For me the problem is often lack of courage - and so I wait for a better time...You may have to get through this next set of therapy with your youngest before you are ready to bring your thoughts, your memories, your understandings to Dad. Trust the process, trust the way.
I like letters. I like to be able to consider and reconsider my words and the message I am truly conveying. I like to give the person I am writing to the same gift. But don't be disappointed if you don't get what you hope for. The last time you tried, Mom responded with the letter saying she was a horrible person, and she didn't blame us if we all hated her.
My ex used this technique. It was effective for years. I would try to talk to him about a problem and he would start in on what a terrible husband he was, and I would stop to tell him that I loved him and he was a good husband, and what I needed to say never got said. One day he started and I stopped, looked at him, and said something to the effect of - When you're ready to stop feeling sorry for yourself, I need to talk. He never used that technique gain. I don't think it was a conscious use, but it was effective!
I hope you have a moment to check in before you leave. If not, I wish you safe journeys. I will be here, waiting for your news.
I do love you...
Clare
I think you will learn something new this time.You are a different mother with this child. This mother-son bond has different lessons. The lessons are just muddied when we have four extra people dancing in the swamp...and we have relationships with each. Maybe that's part of the lesson of being in a really big family.
I think maybe you are also exploring a relationship between parts of yourself. You had to hide so much of you, maybe your sons are pulling these parts out of hiding and introducing them to you, making you more whole, more complete. Do you think your teenage self, at the same age as each of these young men, resounds with them? Is that part of you emerging maybe? Or maybe the mom part we missed...just thoughts.
Is dealing with boy-problems helping you connect with your husband? Is he connecting with your sons? I see a circle, or maybe a web. Sometimes at night I see my family as a circle, with each of my children as a cog. And sometimes when I hold you and yours in the Light, I see you all as another wheel with cogs, and I see us propelling each other, yet moving together.
I found a photo of the two of us together. I was 18, you were13. We were holding a cat - do you remember Scamper? I sat and studies us for quite a while....
I think you do have a valid leading to talk to Dad, but I think way will open when it is time. You have to trust, but stay aware of the opening. For me the problem is often lack of courage - and so I wait for a better time...You may have to get through this next set of therapy with your youngest before you are ready to bring your thoughts, your memories, your understandings to Dad. Trust the process, trust the way.
I like letters. I like to be able to consider and reconsider my words and the message I am truly conveying. I like to give the person I am writing to the same gift. But don't be disappointed if you don't get what you hope for. The last time you tried, Mom responded with the letter saying she was a horrible person, and she didn't blame us if we all hated her.
My ex used this technique. It was effective for years. I would try to talk to him about a problem and he would start in on what a terrible husband he was, and I would stop to tell him that I loved him and he was a good husband, and what I needed to say never got said. One day he started and I stopped, looked at him, and said something to the effect of - When you're ready to stop feeling sorry for yourself, I need to talk. He never used that technique gain. I don't think it was a conscious use, but it was effective!
I hope you have a moment to check in before you leave. If not, I wish you safe journeys. I will be here, waiting for your news.
I do love you...
Clare
Lessons to be learned
Clare,
I do believe that there are still lessons to be learned at Anasazi.
As I was speaking with the school officials the word Anasazi came to the front of my mind.
Taking my son there was the next step in this journey.
I've been trying to figure out what his seeds of greatness are- we will be asked to identify these this week.
I've also been trying got discern the underlying issues that are taking us to Arizona.
Is it the defiance? Is it his lack of connection with us? Is it his temper and lack of control when that's stimulated? The lack of respect for fellow humans? The drug use is a symptom of underlying issues.
He is so complex…the issues are multifaceted…and the solutions will be also.
I learned so much about myself and my relationships the first round at Anasazi…
I cannot wait to see what I discover this time around.
One issue that is glaring at me is that I've never created an opportunity to have a conversation with Dad. I've wanted to…but have only seen him once since then…and it was in a crowded room.
I feel as if I should at least address some of this before I go back for round 2. Perhaps I will write them a letter…at least start the conversation. Is that cowardly?
I am flying tomorrow. I'll try to check in tomorrow morning, but if I don't post I will be back Sunday.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I do believe that there are still lessons to be learned at Anasazi.
As I was speaking with the school officials the word Anasazi came to the front of my mind.
Taking my son there was the next step in this journey.
I've been trying to figure out what his seeds of greatness are- we will be asked to identify these this week.
I've also been trying got discern the underlying issues that are taking us to Arizona.
Is it the defiance? Is it his lack of connection with us? Is it his temper and lack of control when that's stimulated? The lack of respect for fellow humans? The drug use is a symptom of underlying issues.
He is so complex…the issues are multifaceted…and the solutions will be also.
I learned so much about myself and my relationships the first round at Anasazi…
I cannot wait to see what I discover this time around.
One issue that is glaring at me is that I've never created an opportunity to have a conversation with Dad. I've wanted to…but have only seen him once since then…and it was in a crowded room.
I feel as if I should at least address some of this before I go back for round 2. Perhaps I will write them a letter…at least start the conversation. Is that cowardly?
I am flying tomorrow. I'll try to check in tomorrow morning, but if I don't post I will be back Sunday.
Love and Light,
Maggie
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