Off again

Clare,

I'm glad that you didn't end up in the ER…
that's never a good thing.

I think the question about your 8 year old self was valid and it helped me to see that I no longer feel that way about myself. When we started this blog, I believe that I was fighting those self-inflicted images of myself. Now, I know that I did no wrong. I know that those who hurt  or used me did so from a wounded place. I know that human beings do not intentionally hurt each other, so we were less than human at that point. It was a good exercise. I appreciate your courage in asking the question.

My youngest has agreed to go to Arizona. We discussed it yesterday afternoon and he agreed that it would be preferable to traditional drug and alcohol programs. By last evening he was actually excited about the adventure of being out in the desert for so long. He was imagining himself killing snakes, roasting and eating them…even making a headband from their skin. I hope he finds his "heart at peace" early on before he tries to kill animals. My heart is more peaceful and settled knowing that I won't have to lie to him or coerce him to go. We fly on Thursday. Another weekend in Arizona. Husband is excited to return to some of the places we've enjoyed. I am tired and want to just enjoy the beauty. Husband wants to rush through the orientation activities, but I've cautioned him that we are going for very different reasons this time and that we need to take the time to understand why we are there with the youngest. It is a dis-service to expect that we will have the same experience or hear exactly the same messages.

I am back in a holding pattern professionally because of all of this. The schools will not allow him to physically attend because of the substance violation. So, once he returns, he will be doing virtual school (cyber) for the remainder of the year. If he stays clean, then he can return next fall. So, I have to figure out how to juggle work and monitoring his school work, keeping him from being too bored and looking for trouble, all of that. Every time I believe that I can step forward professionally- I get sucked back home. I'm still trying to understand this dynamic- what is the purpose of it? What am I being prepared for?

I have to run some errands before work. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie