So I had a very crazy dream last night. It seemed to last forever, and I can't quite decide what issue I am working on. I was in the farmhouse, where we lived when my children were young. I was sleeping, and woke up in the dark because one of my students was in bed with me. One of my little kids was there too. I was talking to my student and asked him to wait a minute, I needed to get a notebook so I could note grammar mistakes. When I came back, he was taking off his white union suit. I asked what he was doing, and he said as long as we were here...So I proceeded to talk about all my past work and none of it included sex. He sort of disappeared and I was looking for notebooks. I couldn't find any, then when I would find one with a little bit of room, it would disappear. I went downstairs and Mom was decorating the ugliest Christmas tree I had ever seen. And she had moved furniture to make room for the tree, so I could not find my computer or my office. Every time I checked the clock it was 15 minutes later and I was missing more and more work. I was becoming increasingly irate and frightened for my job. Then, the library lady came in and told me that when I stepped on the potato peeler at the library, my heel damaged their floors. I found my tiny computer, dropped it, broke it and bent it up. When I woke up I was very upset, very emotional.
This is great…I'll never figure out what it means, but it's brilliant.
Do you remember the christmas tree that Mom and Dad placed in the doorway and decorated it differently on both sides? That was an ugly Christmas tree! I can't believe they did that- I guess it was a good solution, but ugly.
I went to see my reiki healer yesterday…
she gold me that I need "a good cry and a good orgasm"- I cannot believe I am writing that, but it's a direct quote…
she said that both would get my energy flowing again.
I watched A Fault in Our Stars this afternoon and cried multiple times…
I do feel lighter…
not addressing the other solution on line.
I bought a book called Seeking Silence: Exploring and Practicing the Spirituality of Silence-
It has a disc of guided meditations…
so, I will take your advice and listen to those.
I had to send a copy of my son's immunization records today so that he can enroll himself in school. He will be 18 in 2 days. I am so sad that he is not here. I am so sad that he was not present for the past year. I will never get that opportunity to live with him again really. That makes me cry. I love that boy/man so much. Despite all of the struggles I truly love him. And today I am realizing that he is now a visitor- hopefully frequent- but he no longer resides here. This will always be his home, but much like the girls they've grown and moved on. I don't think I've realized how much I miss them all until now. It's funny, I'm not lonely, I just feel like I want a "do-over". I want one more week with him as if he never left or got mixed up in drugs or distanced himself. I think I squandered the opportunity to really be his mom. He was the one who didn't need me fussing over him. He was the independent, cool one that always had friends and things to do. The others were all more needy and demanding of my time. And now he's gone and I'll never have that opportunity again. I can still love and support him, but from a distance. I hope he's learned the lessons I tried to teach. Love, respect, helping others…
I realize it is time for him to fly. He told me that eagles fly high but never lose sight of the ground because they have such incredible eyesight- I trust that he has insight. That will be enough to guide him in life. Sorry for being so sad.
I will order Pronoia and read it- it sounds like what I need at this time.
I spoke with the health food store owner/naturopathic doctor who advised Silymarin and Flor-Essence while I'm on Tamoxifen. The Flor-Essence was studied by Johns Hopkins and found to be cancer preventive as well as detoxifying. it has burdock root, slippery elm bark, red clover, sheep sorrel, turkish rhubarb root, blessed thistle, kelp, and watercress. I'm going to read the studies before I start it. I did buy the Silymarin (Milk Thistle). What do you think?
Love and Light to you and your family,
Maggie
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