A sense of honor

Clare,

That captures it…
A sense of honor…
Yes...
He needs to find the honorable path on this journey.

He wants the easy way…
last evening we had a long, honest discussion about his habits…
he likes the sense of relief and relaxation that he gets from pot.
I explained that all of that is accessible if he trains his mind and body…
but he thinks that is too much work…
he doesn't understand why he should put in the work when he can get a cheap high.
He has such incredible potential…
I want that for him…
to reach his full potential…
Arizona will help him to sort his feelings out.

What would my 8 year old self say about my life now?
"You deserve this"
That sounds really harsh…
I cannot believe that I wrote that, but it is honest.

When I was 8, I was in the throes of abuse and molestation at the hands of my "family".
I was made to believe that I was no better than an object to be used when they wanted…
and treated worse than a dog when they weren't horney…
or a reminder of how powerful they were.
Sorry, this question is bringing out the worst in me.
I don't remember being 8,
third grade…
I remember understanding long division really quickly and helping the other kids to understand it…
but I don't remember anything specific from home.
I think that's the first or second year we lived at palm and forge. When we moved there I hoped the abuse would stop…
but it didn't…
others were introduced as perpetrators- "here's my sister, give her a shot"
God what horrible memories.
Yes, my 8 year old self had no sense of value, so she would say, "you deserve to struggle"
with cancer
with drugs
with defiance
with marital problems
with sugar

My 8 year old self would not understand joy and gratitude.
She would be embarrassed by any attention and feel ashamed if she was noticed for anything-…
unless it happened at school, then she would secretly love being noticed.
That was my safe place.
But it wasn't everyone's safe place…
in 5th grade a friend was molested by her bus driver- guess who she told?
She told me, did she have a sense that I could understand that kind of betrayal?

Over my lifetime, too many women have confided their abuse to me…
I've often wondered if I exude a message that I understand and am safe to tell…
It's worse now that I'm doing therapy…
I am overwhelmed by the number of people who came in and disclose sexual molestation…
it's a societal cancer.
It kills the spirit of the victims…
or paralyzes it for a period of time…
then something stirs within and starts to demand attention…
"this needs to be healed" it cries out…
and we run
we numb
we distract
we forget
And yet it keeps poking at us- subconsciously
in dreams
in conversations
synchronicity opens the way to healing.

Being violated destroys our vulnerability…
recovering that…
recovering our energy that was surrendered at the time(s) of abuse…
takes time and hard work…
but it is the only way to integrity.
Integrity is my goal…
wholeness of mind, body and spirit.
Shalom.

My 8 year old self was a shell of a girl.
My true spirit was hidden far away where it couldn't be touched.
I will never have those years…
that's one of the casualties of abuse…
I lost a portion of my life because it wasn't safe to be present.
I am making up for that time now…
being present to my own history…
being present to others in their present pain and suffering…
trying to make sense of it all.
People really want very little from others…
only to be seen and heard by the other…
and yet we look past them, don't hear their words…
what are we doing in this lifetime?
Where is our sense of honor…
individual and societal?

This is damned depressing…
but honest.
Love and Light,
Maggie