We are not expendable.

I had not thought about Champ for years.  I used to climb in the doghouse with him and cuddle when we first got him.  He lived out back in a fenced kennel.  We never walked him.  Then when we moved to base, he just ran free. He was never allowed in the house. Our family was terrible with taking care of pets.  I think when we moved away from F-burg, we just left our two old tom-cats there.  I can't remember anything else about them.  And I think my heart broke just a little more when I learned that Dad asked our then brother-in-law to shoot the little dog they had had for so many years.  Our parents never had the dog neutered and were annoyed because he kept running away when the neighborhood girls went into heat.  I think maybe that sense that we were all dispensable when annoying or too much work has been an underlying fear in my life. One of my themes with environmental activism and social activism, also, is: We are not expendable.

I am interested in the book you have just started.  Keep sharing, please.

I don't have many mirrors at home.  There are the two in the bathrooms, and a narrow full length one in the spare bedroom.  If I want to look at myself, I have to go out of my way.  And,  I rarely look at myself.  Here, there are many mirrors.  At the same time I have been reading the chapter about body image.  The lack of mirrors may indicate a lack of self reflection.  And this could be a chicken or the egg situation - do I not know what I look like because I never see myself, or do I never bother to see myself because I don't know what I look like, or that I have a presence?

I read the words in the book praising all body types, sharing the strength of old women, luscious body types, tall, thin, etc.as opposed to our cultural images of the maiden, only - mothers and crones are invisible and of little value. Logically, I agree that all body types are beautiful.  If we are here, and we can feel, it's good...hmmmm...maybe my lack of feeling ties to all of this.  I am learning more and more that logic and intellect are not enough to be human and humane.  Not for any kind of learning.  We are wired for experiential learning. We have to feel, to have an associated emotional breakthrough or explosion of some sort to truly learn something.

So anyway, I have been looking at myself a lot.  I rock the baby in front of a mirror so she can see herself.  I see the planes on my face - both the maiden and the crone.  The maiden is disappearing into the crone.  I change clothes and there is another mirror.  I se my legs for the first time.  At first I didn't want to see, but now it doesn't bother me.  They are becoming mine.  I feel them more as I climb hills around here.  The mirrors are making me think more.  Again, I wonder how much that is an external reflection stimulating internal reflection.

Rereading and thinking about Champie.  We never seemed to know he was alive.  He was just a possession. Dogs are incredibly social, and we isolated him.  We thought daily food and water was enough.  For some reason this feeling is pouring through me...I mean, I know.  I treat my dogs like members of the family, or members of the pack.  Poor Champ and his short, lonely life.  I know he ran away a lot when we moved to town.  Imagine that - we do not allow an untrained dog in the house and expect it to stay in the yard and be obedient.  So he went to the farm.  What did Dad do with all those animals he took to the farm?

Time for work...Love you...have a smiley day!!