Did you know I am terrified of heights? It may be because I fell off a sliding board at age 2 and broke my collar bone...according to the story. I really can't remember. But I know my body remembers! Yesterday we went up into the mountains and hiked. We were climbing big rocks around the waterfalls at the beginning of a river. Between the mountains and the eons of erosion, there are some heart-stopping drops. My adrenaline was flowing all afternoon. It sort of heightens the feeling of being alive, although I can understand the potential of becoming an adrenaline junkie!
My son was actually making fun of me, and recalling a family trip to Niagara Falls when he was about 11. He imitated me: Stay back from the edge! And I remember being so much calmer when we took the elevator to the bottom and explored the river below the falls. As far as I was concerned, we were still experiencing the falls.
Later last evening my daughter-in-law and I sat down and got caught in a deep conversation about dysfunctional families. It is so hard to be transparent, but I am trying. And believe me, stripping oneself just releases another adrenaline rush!!! I talked a little about family history and the results of living in violence and alcoholism. We compared fears and nightmares and coping mechanisms. It was a Me too moment, to some extent. And we both wondered what it would be like to belong to a functional family!
But, to some extent, we are becoming functional, or perhaps we are becoming comparatively functional considering where we started! Our work here is affecting the family, I think...even if it's just because we can see more clearly.
I have been reading Women Who Run With Wolves, and really thinking about the dual nature of women, and more particularly of myself. The author proposes that we each have the woman self, and the inner criatura. I think this is the wild woman, who I am still trying to know. I am so used to being nice that I still can't quite define my inner-wild woman. Yesterday I made jokes about respecting my inner coward, who does not want to stand on the ledge of an overlook, no matter how awesome! My daughter-in-law says that is wisdom, respecting the body's wishes. I need to find some way to feel/see/experience my inner wildling. I am still caught in the image of a wild woman as party girl, and I know that is wrong.
I am also trying to understand the duality within me. I think I remember reading two basic questions in the book - ask What do you want? and What does your deeper self desire? How much have I squashed my thoughts and desires, in order to survive? I don't know if I have any idea what I want. Sometimes, I wander around my house, saying, "I want something, but I don't know what it is..." If I am unable to identify my basic needs, how can I hope to uncover my deeper needs? And by uncovering my deeper needs, recognize the Wild Woman.
God, I really miss you. This is so much more exhilerating when you are here to respond to or to respond. Soloing is not much fun!
Safe trip home little sister!
C.
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