Fear of flying?

We are off schedule...so I will jump in on a thought that I had about your last post.

I remember Dad spewing forth negative rants about our lack of worth, getting out of his house when we were 18, and so on.
The one that I remember most clearly though started after we moved in 1979, when it was just the "four little girls" at home.
He looked me in the eye and said, "If I didn't have you I'd be done by now."
Well the smart assed retort in my head was "you never even started" but of course I silently soaked that up, believing that I/we had indeed ruined his life and any chance of happiness or fulfillment.
I was talking about this with a wise friend several years ago and she countered with, "maybe he meant his life would be over without the four of you"...
well, of course, that was and is ridiculous to my level of understanding.

I wonder how many of his words were true and delivered with intention and how many were just a painful reflex from his own "domestication"?
Did he know better?
Did he ever attempt or even consider changing the abusiveness?
I feel great compassion for him, despite his lack of parenting skills (intentional understatement).
I believe that he tried to better than was done for and to him.
But he wielded such authority that no one was able to challenge his abusive nature and show him that it really didn't have to be that way. we all escaped, at 18, as ordered.
He didn't let anyone in, close enough to make a difference...I am picturing a little kid swinging a big stick.
He still keeps us at a distance...visits can last no more than 24 hours...and they are one meal after another...keeping busy so that there is no real conversation....then an early bedtime...
Maybe we (collectively) failed to help him recognize that there is another way...gentle...loving...respectful...kindness.

Several summers ago, after his surgery, I sat with him, for hours in his hospital room. He was anxious about being stuck in the hospital...for the second time in a month...but his conversation was more relaxed. He actually sincerely thanked me for being there...of course because I was a help to Mom... and told me that he loved me. It was a big moment in my life. He and Mom were surprised that their kids were willing to drop their home responsibilities and sit with them...why?
Why, because they wouldn't do the same for us?
The reason really doesn't matter...
the bottom line is that they devalue themselves more than they devalue each of us...
so, in a twisted way they love us more than they love themselves...
and that's what parents do.

It is interesting that when I mentioned his jumping from heights you thought suicide...
my interpretation of that was him jumping off and flying...
maybe he had similar flight dreams and was/is too afraid to see if he can fly.

I love you...
Blessings,
Maggie