in the middle of the night

Good very early morning,

I tried to set my schedule so that I could work a few morning hours.  But I was confused about the time difference, and as a result, I started work at 1:00 am.  It's now almost 4:00 am and I have a break.  I don't think I have pulled an all-nighter since college...except when babies were teething.  I feel exceptionally dumb today!!

I have been reading the chapters about the Ugly Duckling in Women Who Run with Wolves, so your mention of this was timely.  I never considered that this story is as much about poor mothering as it is about being different.  I have long felt that I was the Alien Seed in our family.  And Mom has noted, many times,  "We just don't know where we got you."  Usually I was doing something weird, something very un-Delana!  As proud as I have always been of my refusal to conform, it was lonely on the outside.  And having Mom point it out made it a little lonelier.  We weren't mothered as well as possible, which left us with insufficient mothering skills.  It's been a twisted lot to think about.

Dad's words were mean.  He was discharging his pain by causing pain in you.  After witnessing the ways his parents spoke about and to each other, even in the presence of the rest of us, I have an idea of the hatred and resentment his parents, his father especially,  expressed toward him.  The best way to let go of the pressure of being resented was for him to make you feel unwelcomed and unloved.  Your friend may try to stretch, to find the silver in there, but we know it was mean.  And it never entered my mind that Dad would envision flying.  The statement you remembered was suicidal.  I can't fit it with his personality any other way.

Since I don't have a car, and I can't take leave from work I didn't go and help when Dad was in the hospital.  I never imagined that he would welcome me anyway.  I know I make him uncomfortable.  Thank you for sharing the little vignette that showed his vulnerability.  I do understand that they devalue themselves.  That was an interesting reinterpretation.  They have always held the power, so I never saw that.  I don't quite follow that they love us more than they love themselves. You lost me!   I sort of think we are all floundering, trying to discern if there is any love anywhere...

One question has lingered...B#4 wrote an account of Dad trying to walk out of the hospital at some point during that time.  It was unauthorized and he had to be physically stopped.  Mom brushed that off as a joke.  Did it happen or not?  I believed it did, based on family patterns!

They do know that none of their children visit willingly.  I do know that Mom tries to find ways to reach out to us, and is grateful when we call.  I wonder if they remember the words they said, and realize we are simply being obedient.  We are out of their house and not expecting them to take any responsibility for us or our children.

I have been digging into the book you gave me.  The latest chapter has been on body image, on loving and accepting ourselves no matter what we look like.  I have been having the impression of angelic beings hiding behind human eyes, despite outward appearances lately.  I have been wondering what I look like.  One line in the book said that when parents are violent, the child's spirit moves away from the body.  That is my experience of hovering near my body.  And it leaves me wondering where my children are.  I know they are not okay, and it's because of my parenting mistakes, as well as their father's.  But with transparency and humility, I will strive to correct the damage I have done.

I am exhausted, and I have two more hours to go...Gonna walk a bit to prepare.

I love you!!