SuperMom, thanks for showing up...
I have read that experiment before and it broke my heart...and it did again reading it on your post.
I do feel as if we were confused and broken as children and in turn gave up.
Why do we (humans) break the spirit that is divinely given?
Why do we feel that we can improve upon a spirit that is created in the image of the Divine?
Who are we to be so important?
I think that I woke up to this very issue several years ago...
and that started this amazingly difficult transformation and healing.
I was rereading my journal this morning and read over and over again how living a life of pretense and always giving myself to others was killing me.
I could see the subtle openings that allowed me to gain the courage to say "enough".
God, what a journey...
allowing myself to feel the overwhelming sadness that encompassed my soul...
to drive the separation of my family...
to experience relationships that taught me much about love...
overburdening myself to keep from thinking...
realizing that the demons that I was fighting were in the past...
and really could not hurt me today...
swallowing my pride and asking for another chance at marriage...
swallowing my pride and asking for help from a therapist...
accepting a diagnosis of depression and actually taking medication...
gathering the courage to publicly disclose my/our abuse...
dismantling all of the family secrets that I remembered and releasing their hold on my spirit...
publicly sharing memories and feelings with you on this blog...
allowing myself to grieve and cry...
breaking the strings that tied me down...
reconnecting with you, my sister...
and, most importantly, reconnecting with the part(s) of myself, hidden away for safe keeping in order to survive the years of abuse and neglect. This one is still a work in progress.
I do believe that we manifest different roles, simultaneously...but sometimes one, more than another.
But, when we are in throes of chaos, we revert to the one that works best for us.
We can't truly compartmentalize ourselves...fortunately we are much too complex to do that...
but, when our spirits are broken we also cannot move fluently from one role to another...
we do compartmentalize our feelings and react in a way that we have been conditioned to...
what has given us the best outcome in the past.
It's the chameleon response...
rather than just always being visible...in all of our true colors.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
No comments:
Post a Comment