The art of destruction

So I am solo this weekend...I can only bounce things off myself.
I was rereading the first posts and am amazed how far we've come on this journey.

Initially, in April, I was full of fear and trepidation...
What will people think of me?
Even in an anonymous forum the fear was very real. I recall how uncomfortably painful it was to write the stories and images that were deep in my memory. I remember how small and isolated I felt.

I was reading about the dreams that spoke so strongly to what my brain wouldn't allow...dreams that repeated themselves until I woke up and understood or at least remembered enough to ruminate on the meaning. It is funny...those dreams that were so prevalent have stopped for now.

I am currently in a resting place. I am experiencing the calm before the next storm. The pain has subsided. The shame has been beaten down. I am no longer afraid to tell my story. I am no longer afraid for others to see me as I am...like me or not. I aspire to be authentic and vulnerable...and to thrive. I have always hated the terms victim and survivor...it connotes that part of me remains locked into the past. I choose to be a "thriver".

Synchronicity is a beacon through this journey. I have opened the right book at the most opportune time, spoken to just the right person to gain insight, been blessed to have a wonderful therapist who said..."I've known you for over 10 years...you are depressed, what's going on?" just when I was about to explode.

I picked up a book this week by Rob Bell, Drops Like Stars...A Few Thoughts on Creativity and Suffering. I was using the book to support a journal in order to write in it. Something made me open it and the words spoke directly to my inner core. I have read this book before and was not moved...but I am different now.
It is broken into 6 sections all entitled The Art of... Disruption, Honesty, Ache, Solidarity, Elimination and Failure.

The Art of Disruption talks about thinking outside of the box...but with a twist...Why is there a box anyway? There is a story told of a man in Poland who comes home to find that all of his family are dead. He had lost all that he loved and was distraught. This tragedy turned out to be a deep, lifelong journey of communion with God. There was a price...there were tears and pain. As humans we suffer, we can either curl up and die (figuratively) or we can allow it to lead us to new realities and possibilities. "We are forced to imagine a new future because the one we were planning on is gone".
Imagination is the birthplace of creativity...it is vulnerable because it is setting out on a new path...but it is essential for a whole hearted life. That man in Poland was Pope John Paul II.

So in my own life story I have practiced the Art of Destruction....
or I would prefer to call it deconstruction.
I have made choices that others disagreed with...
I listened to my Heart's voice and trusted it...
little by little I gained strength and confidence for the deconstruction that is occurring in my life now...
the deconstruction of a family steeped in intergenerational abuse, addiction, self harm and mental health diseases.
I call it deconstruction because, hopefully all of the pieces will be reconstructed in the end...
creating an honest, caring, cohesive family where illusion has been.
I imagine that to be possible.
I expect and understand that the probability of that is minimal...but I imagine it to be.
My life can no longer be what it had been for the past 40+ years.

Blessings,
Maggie