trying to be kind...really, really

Hi Maggie,

Have you ever seen Jane Elliott's work on blue eyes and brown eyes?  She was inspired by Martin Luther King, Jr.  She did an experiment with elementary aged kids. You should read up on her, if you haven't. Some of her work would apply to what you are doing.

I have been thinking about kindness.  I said that I wanted to be kind to Dad, to family.  Then I remembered, and I may have shared this...I had a huge aloe plant in the window.  The older cat kept climbing in it to bask and nap, smashing part of the plant. I put rocks on the soil.  I put plastic forks in the soil. Then my friend said, move the plant over and put a blanket there.  I looked at him and said, "And I think I am a pacifist..."

The two oldest dogs in residence here like to sleep on my bed. After the drought, we got days of rain, then the temperature went way up.  There were ticks everywhere. I got so paranoid that I closed my door and would not let the girls in. The next morning, when I walked out of my room, I stepped in a pee-puddle.  I immediately assumed it was a retaliatory pee.  But my closest friend said, maybe they were waiting, just waiting outside, then the older, incontinent dog just lost it.

She is kinder than I am.

I read an article today about dealing with difficult people.  Some of the advice given was:  view the situation through their lens. Ask yourself, what are they feeling?  What is my responsibility in this?

And:  remember that insecurity prompts people to behave badly.

So when I am a a big party, I feel overwhelmed and like I want to retreat. I get quiet. Maybe Papa gets bristly.  I think he truly believes he is funny when he is insulting.  Maybe he is using humor to cope with the stress.

What is my responsibility?  I realize I am being judgmental. I am holding him to a Daddy standard he has never met and will never be able to meet.  And when he is not that, I am dismissive like his Dad...see he just failed again.

So how do we break this multigenerational  cycle?

Mom included request for prayers for my youngest in the family letter. So they got my note. I wondered what would happen next, remembered my commitment to kindness, and sent Mom a short note thanking her for praying and asking for prayers.

So she called me this afternoon to ask about my daughter and to say they noted she looked pinched, and a little off.  Not an apology, but I am not being cut out of the family for the next five years.

Our family is making some progress I believe!

My headset is not working, which is making work a pain...and tomorrow a manager is going to listen to me...which means the headset is going to be a bigger deal.

Ah, life...


Love and hugs from Clare

I am holding your youngest in the Light. May his warrior emerge and courage shine forth from him. And may he learn a valuable lesson.

alas…I like that word

Clare,

I'm sitting in my kitchen gumming pumpkin bread…
trying to not bite the inside of my mouth…
it's numb.
I broke a molar eating caramel corn yesterday…
I thought I'd picked out all of the unpopped kernels…
but alas…
So I visited my dentist and now...
I have a new half a molar.

My youngest is spinning right now…
he was enjoying freedom while we were distracted by the young man…
but, he got into a few situations that have him bordering on trouble.
I cannot go into all of the details at this time…
but he's dealing with some serious shit and has to walk through the heat he's created.
He wants to switch schools…
we said no.
He wants us to make it all disappear…
we said no.
We said, "we will be by your side, helping you to deal with consequences, but you need to stay put and  walk through this time."
I'll keep you posted.
Sometimes I believe he is educating me on many important life lessons.

I'm teaching about acculturation, assimilation, white privilege, bias, etc. tonight…
I have an activity to demonstrate white privilege…
and a video about forced acculturation of indigenous american children at the Carlisle School.
It should be an interesting class.

I am trying to hear the phrase, "They're doing the best they can, under the circumstances."when I am dealing with difficult people. Papa D is a difficult person. He has such a tough exterior that he believes that is the best survival tactic.
I believe he insults us…
or at least never praises us…
to toughen us up for the world. I really think he believes he is helping us to cope.
Perhaps his words to your daughter were meant to cause separation…
separation means less grieving when he dies.
I don't want to suppose what his words were meant to do…
but he is scared to the bone…
he's coping by being an ass hole…
like my young man- he is using what has worked best for him in the past.
Survival instincts are strong and ingrained…
bear witness to his journey without buying into his ways.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

from desert to home

Hi Maggie,

We saw the zombie photos on social media. My oldest granddaughter was very impressed by your husband's zombie make up.  Very well done!  Glad to know the run was such a success.

Thank you so much for pointing out that Dad just doesn't know how to connect. It pulled me a few degrees away from believing he enjoys hurting people's feelings.  I want to be kind, and you pulled me to a kinder place.

I appreciate it very much!

It is hard to get past the in-your-face mean remarks.  I am not sure how long it will take my daughter to get to that point. I remember earlier this year it took me about three days to find a sweet memory about Dad.  Once we get to that point, it gets easier to find it...but at first it is like wandering, lost in the desert, trying to find a way home.

I have not had any response to my note.  I kind of expect not to get a response.  I think I just have to see how way opens and see if Dad talks to me.

My best friend invited me to brunch today.  We were very European, and spent about two hours, leisurely making our way through a delicious brunch.  Then she came here for tea, and we talked for another two hours.

It feels so good to connect.  It was such a gift on a dreary day to focus completely on someone I care about, and to listen to what she is going through, and to share reflections from last weekend, and from other aspects of my life.

We all need each other, and we forget.

Wear pjs to dinner, and order wine.  I hope you can relax and enjoy time with your husband, connecting a little.  You two have been through a lot...

I had three grandkids overnight.  We carved jack-o-lanterns.  I like the traditions that define a year.

End of a longish, but nice, weekend...

Love and hugs from Clare

glass of wine and PJs

Clare,

I am at the end of a very demanding week…
no time to think, reflect, pause, be quiet.
Today I organized a 5K Zombie run…
it was more successful than we anticipated…
leaving me with a few more things to do on Monday.

Daughter #2 was a zombie (husband and the youngest were too)…
she stayed and helped me make snack for Meeting tomorrow…
I love cooking and hanging out with her.
She avoided home when the young man was here…
so it is nice to have her coming back again.

I still have to prepare my lecture for Monday evening…
and husband made dinner reservations.
Sometimes I wan to hide in my room and not come out.

Life's demands do not end…
that is a blessing…
I have to take time to slow and breathe.

My reflections on last weekend…
I enjoyed being surrounded by family. After I wrote my letter many did not speak to me…
I appreciate that they have made peace with those feelings…
or maybe rewritten it.
I had a conversation with Papa…
he told me all about his consultations, procedures, and plans.
He told me that he has "fired" several of his doctors because things were not as he wanted it to be…
they kept him waiting, told him something he didn't like…
It's his way of controlling what he can control…
making it less scary.
I felt like he has a good handle on his choices…
I'm not sure anyone can anticipate the pain and stress that's to come.

He doesn't know how to talk to young people. He doesn't know how to talk to us. He tries to connect. He fails when he tries. But, he is trying. I agree that he does not take time to know people…
too demanding…
too much effort.
I hope that your daughter can conjure up another memory of Papa to hold on to….
for her sake.

I am off to dinner…
because husband thinks I need a break…
I need a glass of wine and PJs.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Mother Tiger

I have been waiting for you...and hoping everything is all right.

I am in the aftermath...

Dad patted my youngest's belly and told her it was too bad she never lost her baby fat.  He told her she looked 10 years older than she is.

He is going to die and these are the words that will remain.

He said her boyfriend looks like a fat B#1.

Mother Tiger emerged.  I sent him a card to arrive on his actual birthday and I included a note.  The last time I wrote them a letter, he refused to speak to me for five years.

If that happens again, it is over between us.  There will never be another chance.

But you know, I have been talked to like that for all of my life.  I have been convinced that I deserve it. But not my child.  Not my brave and wonderful baby.

I sent them a letter with no opening address -No Dear Dad and Mom.  I just said I wanted to give them the update on my youngest. 

I said - she did lose her baby fat.  She was doing great.  But then after work one night, she slipped and dislocated her kneecap.  The kneecap began to dislocate regularly, so she went to an orthopedist who did an MRI and found a birth defect in the formation of her knee.  They did an experimental surgery. 

I didn't tell them that the surgery was not completely successful, and she has been having problems on and off for the past almost two years.

But I did tell them she slipped this summer and damaged the donor tendon.  Now the kneecap is loose again. She is on pain killers much of the time, as well as muscle relaxants.  This has been hard on her, and on her appearance.

I told them that it kills me that she is in pain.  But she is in pain almost continuously.

I hate that my child is in pain. I hate it.

I told them that she will have a reparative surgery on November 4, and I asked them to pray for her.

I told them that she is enrolled to go back to school, she works full time, and she takes great care of her child.

She is someone to be proud of.

I also mentioned that if he bothered to get to know David, he would have found a shy, gentle, generous, warm-hearted, kind and funny man.  So much more than fat.

I ended by saying kindness matters, and that is what I want for this family.  I told them I love them both so much...

My daughter's attitude was - I took time off from work for this...

She say she has no heart. I say he has a broken heart from what his dad and brothers did to him.  I say he does not want any of us close to him. He can not stand the pain of vulnerability.

So we made it. We have happy pictures.

I was actually pretty relaxed and okay.  If I had a car I would have left about two hours before we did.  I was tired, and drifting off.

What are your reflections?

Love and hugs from Clare

in the web

Hi Maggie,

I was working with flower essences years ago and pansy explained the concept of balance.  To be balanced, one must constantly adjust...a little forward, a little back...sometimes almost a topple forward followed by an equal topple back. Less graceful. But, said pansy, when one stands still...that is death.

So I agree with you...

You're coughing too? Maybe we can perform a coughing cantata, a duet with harmony, this weekend.  I am not sure what sets me off. Pretty much anything!

I love the idea of a mama/baby classroom.  I think it is perfect. That is exactly the bonding young moms need. Too often the solution is - 6 weeks old, institutionalize that baby, you have had enough time.  Something I read earlier this week reminded me when we are humane, we leave puppies and kittens with their mamas until at least eight weeks.  It is shocking that we are not so humane with our infants, our precious babies.  We mutely obey corporate orders, and mourn and die inside.

I'm glad you have reconnected with your young man.  He needs to know relationships change, boundaries must be respected, but love goes on.  This may be the most important lesson you can teach him.  Maybe his is the lesson you were called to teach him. Maybe this is the way it was supposed to work out...

I hope your youngest is okay.  What is happening?

 I am more than at ease with Papa's decision. I am feeling a glimmer of respect for him. Perhaps this is where the Light breaks in and transformation takes place...I am still transcribing notes from last weekend...Quakerspeak pervades my brain!!

It is hard to tell the mood of the writer sometime, so I will admit I am giggling...

I am the problem child? And S#3 is the one who can handle me? She was charged with making sure I attended this weekend?

I started calling S#3 regularly after her suicide attempt.  And we started spending more and more time together. We have become close friends. She makes me laugh.  I think that was the natural result of doing the work of reaching out regularly, even if I didn't have much to say.

I am getting teary now...

 Then with this blog...I have been touching in with you almost daily for years. Even when I am blank mess.  I have been faithful to our Light. I have been showing up. And now you are part of the grain of my daily life. I miss you on days you are not here.

And I have been playing on-line Scrabble with S#5 for months - maybe a year or more.  With every play, we send each other a message.  I am in touch with her.  I can feel her quickly.

Before, I always had the sense that it didn't matter if I were there or not - at family gatherings. If I were there, I made it into the photos for posterity. But if I wasn't - who cared. No one was going to miss me. It was all a sham anyway. I didn't talk to any of you for months or even years, then had to show up with my plastic smile and pretend we all knew and cared for each other. Mostly I just wanted to go to my corner, or to go home.

But now I have three sisters.  I have three loving heart connections. I have a place.

I don't think Dad would care if I were there or not. He still doesn't like me very much. Mom would care, but only enough to make me feel guilty.

But I have sisters. I finally have sisters. I am part of the web in a way I have never been part before.

Part of me dreads the reunion. But part of me is calm and expectant.

I love you so much. Thanks for being here with me for all these years.  I appreciate you so much.

Love and hugs and a few tears from Clare

status quo is illusion

Clare,
Transitions are challenging…
but all of life is a transition…
status quo is an illusion.
I prefer to recognize that life is flowing and I'm trying to stay on top of the surf…
sometimes I'm doggy paddling…
sometimes I'm hanging 10.
It's just in the moment when it's so difficult I want to stay STOP…
just let me breathe…
let me think.
I am still coughing after a month.
I cough now if I eat something acidic, go into the cold, or laugh.
I could take steroids and be done…
but I hate taking steroids.
This to shall pass.

At work I am beginning to develop a few projects that I see as important.
This is good. I am pulling together 4 people to discuss a classroom for new moms still in high school…
moms and babies together…
working at their own rhythm and pace…
the flexibility of a cyber instruction…
with both academic support and the support of a "grand mom" to support and encourage breastfeeding, bonding, responding to baby. Creating those vital attachments and finishing their education…
empowering both this generation and the next.
I'm working on this seminar for trauma survivors outside of work…
but I think it will spill over into work eventually.

I am excited to be finding my voice on a county wide level.
I'm offering continuing education credit discussions/lectures for social workers this fall/early winter.
I like having the support of colleagues and peers on a wider level.

I spoke with the young man yesterday. He finally had the courage to call. He is living with a disabled man and his wife. They have 5 foster kids. The dad is relatively uninvolved. The mom gives food clothing, shelter, and bed, and hygiene opportunities. She tells them when to be home for dinner and then again when to be home for the evening. He told me he spends most of his time roaming the streets of the small town he lives in. He got what he thought he wanted…
freedom to roam…
minimal rules…
someone to care for him, not care about him.
I'm not sure if my bias leads me to hear a sense of missing the caring we gave to him. I want to believe that…
but it may just be my wishful thinking.
I told him we still care about him, want the best for him, and are willing to help him.
I clearly told him that we love him, but could not tolerate the way he treated me/us.
I hope he heard that.
He is going to play school basketball- the team has no cuts to the roster- so I told him we'd come to watch him play. I know that will mean a lot to him. I encouraged him to call us, and his grandmother, and his brother. He hasn't talked to anyone since the move.
I apologized for the way the transition happened…
having the caseworker pick him up from school.
I explained our fear that he would run away and endanger himself if he knew ahead.
He admitted he expected it after being caught with the new cell phone. I asked him if he knew that was a "deal breaker" if he bought it- and got caught with it- as a way to push us to remove him from our home. He thinks that's probably true…
although not totally sure.
We talked about a lot of small things. He seemed to want to prolong the conversation…
but wasn't sure what else to say.
I asked him to call again soon. Suggested maybe we can have him here for the holidays if he wants to visit. He seems open to those ideas. It may be ok.

My youngest is home again- he has missed 1 -2 days each week for the past 3 weeks. Headache, fatigue, cough, congestion, body/joint aches. His labs last week showed severe allergies. I had to pick him up last night because he was so dizzy and his head hurt so much he couldn't drive. He wasn't high or drunk. I'm a little worried.

I am also at ease with Papa's decision to live with the cancer. He will need to be seen by a palliative care physician to make sure he remains comfortable throughout this stage of his journey. I will talk with S#5 about this when I see her. I look forward to seeing you this week.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie